A closure letter

[WockaWocka]

I was sort of hoping to be talked out of sending it because I know the general sentiment on these boards - no contact no matter the circumstances. I needed that slap in the face to slow me down enough at least to re-write portions of the letter before sending it.

 

However, sometimes I feel like having one blanket "rule" for every scenario does not cover situations where there really are unresolved issues, be they emotional, verbal, or financial. And in this case, I am really hoping that by resolving all the issues, I can sever all future ties with my ex.

 

I don't think that anyone who advocates No Contact thinks that all the issues are resolved; often it's precisely the opposite. People mostly advocate it because additional contact won't resolve anything and will just cause the dumpee further pain.

 

And you might feel better if you sent the letter, but would it really resolve your issues? I bet writing it helped a lot. You've reframed how things ended and have rediscovered some newfound joys. But the stuff about washboard abs and interest from other women makes it seem (to me) like you're trying to make her jealous. And I think the "woe is me, I sacrificed so much and acted so honorably" narrative that permeates the letter will just make her defensive and angry (not that she deserves to be, but anger and blame are often a defensive reaction). You stating how sanctimonious you were is only going to antagonize her. The best (and least fulfilling!) kind of sanctimony is the quiet unstated kind.

 

Given the apparently substantial sum of money she owes you, I would advocate against sending her such an emotion-laden letter. Save the emotional processing for you, for us, and for your friends.

 

Right now your letter says that you're still hurt but recovering, that you still feel wronged, that you're moving on with your life, that you want your money back, that you have some dirt on her and aren't going to use it, and that you wish her all the best.

 

If I were you I'd aim to simply say hello, sorry it's been a while -- you needed time to process, you're in the midst of moving on with your life, you're returning her things, and you'd like your money back because you're sure that she also wants to put all of this behind her and wipe the slate clean. And you wish her all the best. That's the approach I'd take.

 

Good luck and congrats on finding yourself again after such a nightmare!

[Islandia]

Thank you for the summation WockaWocka. It's good to see a condensed version of what I am writing to know that it may have been a bit too emotional and unfocused. I definitely did not want to give the impression that I was trying to make her jealous and I've removed those sentences from my letter. I'm still on the fence about sending it at the moment. I had decided that just writing the letter was enough for me, but now I am wavering once more.

 

The woman I am currently dating originally asked me to write this letter because I rashly told her that I was not completely over my last relationship, and I think that she was trying to give me a friendly nudge in that direction. That request really stirred up this entire emotional roller coaster so I agreed to write to my ex. Now I am in a bit of a predicament because on the one hand, I want to respect my ex's privacy, and on the other I want to honor my commitment to try to move on with this letter. I am sure I will spend the weekend thinking this over some more. Perhaps it is also time for me to ask my friends to weigh in as this has now become more of a mess than I had intended.

[Islandia]

BUT... does it really not matter? If you don't immediately, instinctively, and wholeheartedly think "of course not", then maybe I'd reconsider your approach.

-P

 

Clearly I am overthinking this. I can't honestly say that it does not really matter or I would not be thinking about this so much. Maybe that is my answer.

[Rally]

I say you should just send it.

 

After you send it theres nothing else you can say to her. Although you might feel like crap hours after sending it, you'll know that you said everything you wanted to say.

[johnm3]

many parts of the letter come off as superficial and arrogant; almost flaunting not having her in your life anymore

 

definitely rewrite!

[iwannarun]

many parts of the letter come off as superficial and arrogant; almost flaunting not having her in your life anymore

 

definitely rewrite!

 

I agree. It sounds emotional, even though you say you don't want it to. I also agree with another poster. Write a letter, tell her you're returning her things & you'd like your money, and that you're moving on. There's really no need for talking about the relationship or about the accomplishments in your life now. She's not a part of it anymore, and I doubt she would care very much to hear about them (I know I wouldn't).

[Islandia]

Oh I wanted to clarify one more thing. Many parts of the letter come accross as arrogant because I am an arrogant SOB. Pride can be a virtue as well as a vice and in many cases, it is pride that drives people to achievement and greatness. Part of regaining my identity was finding that right mix of confidence without reaching the point of vanity and pride without reaching the point of hubris. That is the person she fell in love with and that is the person I wanted to become again. I am actually glad to see that some measure of that came accross in my letter. This letter is not meant to foster a reconciliation, and I want her to fully comprehend that I hold her responsible for her actions. Probably not the best way to get my money back, but then again this was never about the money.

 

I think at this point I need to mull over this decision on my own and do what I feel is right. Thanks to everyone for the insights.