A closure letter

[Islandia]

I think it might be the time of year affecting me, but I have decided to break NC after six months and send this letter to her. I know that I have healed enough to not expect a reply, but I felt that there were many words unspoken between us, and I wanted to make sure I said them and sent them to her whether or not she responds. I feel like this will give me the closure I need to really move on. If I do send it I will very likely re-write portions and proofread a bit more - this was just my initial thoughts and I wanted to get it out on paper to really let go of it. Any thoughts on whether this is a momentary weakness, and something I will regret sending or will it actually help me?

 

My original thread is here for those who need to know sordid details:

 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

Dear Sarah,

 

The last words that passed between us should not be ones of sorrow, apology and regret. I could not muster the courage to write you back in the last six months because I did not want this last letter to you to involve any negative emotions, and only now has my heart recovered enough for me to do so. We had such grand dreams and utopian visions for the future, and I want to remind you to always keep those aspirations alive as I have done, even if those goals will be realized with someone else.

 

In the past nine months, I have learned more about myself and about our relationship than I did in the two years that we were engaged to be married. At first, I thought that just returning to you all your remaining possessions without a word would be the most appropriate end to our relationship, but upon further introspection, I realized that with so many words unspoken between us with that abrupt apology, the only fitting denouement would require that I pour out all the emotions and thoughts I had kept bottled inside since that moment.

 

When you first told me that you needed to “find yourself,” I did not realize that meant finding yourself in someone else’s arms. I spent the first three months after our break up thinking of all the mistakes I made in the relationship, and wondering whether I had pushed you away with all our plans for the wedding, and wanting to finally set a firm date for it. I thought that you were just confused and needed some time to sort out your feelings and would surely return to me if I improved myself and continued to be an anchor and support in your life. I knew how hard losing your job was on your psyche, and the depression that you suffered would naturally be something that I helped you overcome by nurturing our bond. I believed every word you told me because I had always respected and trusted you implicitly. When you told me that you needed time to yourself, and that you did not have feelings for Manny, I accepted your lie at face value.

 

Only after I accidently stumbled upon the evidence that you were dating Manny, and having the time of your life did I really re-evaluate the entirety of our relationship and stop blaming myself for its demise. The fabric of my being and the core that held all my most cherished beliefs about us was irrevocably shattered that day. I found myself peering deeply into the mirror and not recognizing the stranger who was staring back at me. I knew that I had lost myself in the relationship, just as you had and I was not impressed with the decrepit wretch staring unblinkingly at me in the mirror.

 

I was finally able to accept that while I was not perfect in the relationship, no matter how much I aspired to be, I was also not at fault for its demise. I realized that for quite some time, I had tied all my happiness to being with you and making you happy. Any signs of moodiness or discomfort from you, I either attributed to that time of month, or your general malaise at losing your job. When we first started dating, you were so open and honest with me about all the intimate details in your life, and when we lost that openness and honesty, we lost the relationship. Someone who is happy in her relationship would not spend the entire night out drinking with one of her male friends without bothering to tell me. But I trusted you completely and ignored that blatant sign that our relationship had irreparably ended. There were many other events which I blithely ignored because I trusted and respected you, and in retrospect, I should have at least taken notice.

 

I have no regrets about giving you that trust. When I love someone, I do so whole heartedly and completely. But I did have an epiphany that day; I realized that I was not responsible for your behavior or your loss of feelings. I stopped blaming myself for everything and apportioned to you the fair share of the guilt that the break up brought about. You made a choice to lie and betray me, and by accepting responsibility for your decision, I was hurting only myself, and I was also insinuating that you were not capable of making your own decisions. That is the moment that I let go.

 

In the past six months, I have made tremendous strides towards becoming a better person. I started running again- something I had given up in order to spend more time with you. At first I did it only for the endorphin rush and to get thoughts of you out of my mind. But the more I ran, the more I discovered the benefits for myself, for its own sake – not to try to get you back. I enjoyed running so much that I ended up running another marathon…26.2 miles of freedom never felt so good.

 

I also started climbing again, another hobby I sacrificed for the sake of our love. Again I think I started doing it for selfish motives - only to get thoughts of you out of my head. And again, I fooled even myself. As I became more and more fit, I aspired for higher goals, and I ended up climbing Mt. Rainier at the end of the summer (well most of it!), one of my long time goals in life.

 

Finally, I returned to my most fickle mistress… Argentine Tango. She was angry at first and would have nothing to do with me, but I won her over with my roguish charm, gentle embrace, and promise to never desert her for the girl of the moment. As of my birthday in February, I will have danced Tango on four continents…and in the process resolved to never give up on a dance I am so passionate about… even for a woman I am passionate about.

 

I will be spending my birthday in Australia as part of a month long trip there to dance, scuba dive in the Great Barrier reef, watch surfers attacked by sharks, and I suppose do some work as well. I would never have had the courage to travel like this while we were together, so this impetus to see what the world has to offer definitely also resulted from this break up.

 

Something very strange happened this past month… in traveling, dancing, running, climbing, and just living… I happened to look in the mirror once more, and I was shocked to recognize someone I thought was lost forever. I saw myself as I was at the beginning of our relationship. I had lost the 40 lbs. that home baked cookies, cheesecake, and sugary snacks had put on my frame. That gut that I was so horrified by had disappeared, replaced by the same washboard abs I had when we met. I exuded the same quiet confidence and intelligent sparkle in my eye that first caught your attention. And most importantly, I saw a handsome young man who was attracting the attention and admiration of quite a few ladies. In short, I found myself, and I opened my heart to love once more. I could not have done this without you breaking up with me, and I am loathe to think what would have happened had we stayed together and gotten married. So I want to thank you for helping me on this voyage of self discovery, no matter how difficult the travel has been.

 

It seems rather astounding that all the momentos of our time together can fit into one tiny box. Perhaps that is indeed all we can really take away from our relationship – the memories and the small reminders that we once loved each other unconditionally. I am returning these to you by mail for two reasons. I did not feel right keeping something that was given to you by your grandmother and has sentimental value so I return Snowy to you none the worse for wear other than a light coat of dust gathered while marauding around my bedroom. I also wanted to sever the last link that binds us, and I think that by holding on to these things, and not asking for the return of the money I loaned you, I felt that there was always going to be one more meeting where we could finally tell each other the unvarnished truth about the reasons for the break up. Only after my months of introspection did I admit to myself that you had no intention of ever seeing me again, so I am sparing you the necessity of a final meeting by mailing these trinkets. Although I consider myself a generous person, even I cannot be so magnaminous as to allow money meant for our wedding to go towards a wedding in which I will not partake. You can mail me a cheque and that will close this chapter of our lives. I will consider all debts between us to be paid, and all obligations to be discharged.

 

In addition, know that I would never seek to retaliate for the break up by word or by deed. I have not and will not mention your recent affinity for marijuana to your parents or friends, nor indeed have I spoken to anyone (including my parents) about the less than forthright manner in which our break up occurred. No cross words shall ever pass my lips in regards to your lies and betrayal to those that we know, and your dignity and image will continue to be untarnished. I have also deleted all the pictures of you of the risqué nature, so do not worry that these things will embarrass you in any manner. I hope that no matter what happens, you will remember that I acted honorably in all our dealings and that as a gentleman, before, during, and after our love affair, I have treated you with the utmost respect and civility.

 

I shall leave it to your conscience when or if you decide to contact me again. In the interim, know that despite everything that happened, I still think of you fondly, and our relationship will be one that I treasure for all the days of my life. However disingenuous the sentiment you expressed that you needed to “find yourself,” I fervently hope that you do indeed achieve that goal. May you rediscover the beautiful, kind, gentle, caring woman whom I once loved. May you reaffirm your inner peace, and recover the confident, intrepid, ambitious, generous, sincere, joyous, innocent soul you possessed when we met. May you enjoy all the blessings and happiness that you so richly deserve. May you find the career path that fulfills your dreams and live a wonderful and meaningful life.

 

Love,

 

Stephen

[Yaz]

DO NOT SEND.

 

It isn't very becoming of an ex, sorry. Especially the bit at the bottom about her contacting you. Also, it's too long. I could give you a better critique, but I really don't think there's a point. You should not send this to her. Other people may disagree.

 

No contact for life.

[Green Frost]

YAZ is right! Too long! Can you make it more short & concise & more straight to the point? If you can't do that then don't send it at all...

[Yaz]

It's best just to say something like this:

 

Hi Ex, It's been a while since we last spoke. I just wanted to say there are no hard feelings, and I wish you all the best. Take care, Islandia

 

IF you say anything at all. I'm still advocating NC.

 

I just don't think this letter will be received in the way you intend it. If I received a letter like this, I'd get angry, not read it, or think poorly of you. I'm sorry, but I'm just being honest. Others' may have better ideas than me. And probably more experience.

 

Just my tips: if you do send a letter, do make it short. Do not mention how you feel or how she may feel about the break-up. Do not say 'love' anywhere. Do not say you've moved on or got over her (if you have, you wouldn't be writing. Also it sounds a little bit jaded).

[kampuniform]

-This isn’t a ‘closure’ letter, it’s an ‘introduction to the new me after six months’ letter.

-Having scanned your ENA history, this woman doesn’t deserve a bag of your sputum, let alone your consideration.

-All of the mementos of your union should have been carted to the curb the moment you discovered her deceit, and you should have used ‘Snowy’ to sop-up all the spills and nastiness that lingers around your toilet ages ago.

As an aside, my ex’s love letters were neatly stacked by my toilet. Not the tidiest method, but they did the trick for about a week.

-Do not contact this slattern.

-With each day that dawns, you have reason to give thanks; she is no longer in your life.

-Spill your guts to us. We love you.

[Yaz]

Right on, Kamp

[pbsurf]

please under no circumstances send this letter...

 

I was in a very long term relationship - 7 years dating plus 10 of marriage - three young children -, my wife left me for our best friend.. I wrote many letters, and never sent one. I keep them on my computer to remind me how I felt when I wrote them, but I knew instinctively that it was therapy for me, and that she would not have understood anything that I was trying to explain in a letter.

 

You need to move on. You will be better off for it. Have fun in Australia.

[Yaz]

Here's an idea: keep the letter and read it again in a few months. You'll be glad you didn't send it.

[Rose Melody]

Defininitely send it!!! You have nothing to loose, only she would see what a wonderful man she lost.

Letter is perfect in every detail, warm and touching but without despair or sadness... Perfect closure letter, gave me chills down my spine.

So, if it'll make you feel better, send it without hesitation. It's not like you're asking something out of your ex-relationship, just giving a closure that she couldn't give. So, it's more than OK to send it.

 

Btw, you're a really great guy.

[JazzTheme]

Keep writing as much as you need to, and find someone to talk to, but don't send her letters.

[VSurfer]

this is a very touching letter, tears me up....however, i dont think she deserves such a beautiful letter.

[Rose Melody]

I don't think the point is in what she deserves or not.. The point is that the author of the topic finally lets it of his chest and feels better. If contacting her with such mail will fill that purpose, then that's the thing he should do.

[Yaz]

Write it, don't send it.

[punk76]

I read the first paragraph and that is all I will read.

 

Don't do it.

[Islandia]

I was very hasty in writing and posting this letter before, so I wanted to clarify one thing before I went to bed. I am not trying for a reconciliation and really have no wish for one. Whatever she did is now in the past, and I did not want the last communication between us to be vindictive, mean-spirited or sad, and unfortunately it was all three of those things. The day I found out about her and the other guy, I was not in the right frame of mind, and as I re-read the short email I wrote to her, I knew that although it was not angry, it certainly had undertones of sadness and hurt. Her response was equally filled with regret, remorse and shame, and not something I wanted to be saddled with for the rest of my life.

 

I hope that it does not sound like I am bragging or trying to re-introduce myself to her after all this time to try to spark her interest again. If that had been my intent, I would have probably mentioned how well my business is doing - almost two million in sales this year (a natural consequence of all this free time from the break up is that I worked harder and longer hours than I ever have before) or the fact that I just bought a new house overlooking a river and golf course.

 

My main motivation for doing this is because I have started dating again, and two times now the lady has wanted to get more serious... and I balked. Both of them were amazing women - smart, attractive, great careers - pretty much perfect on paper, but I realized that the closer we got, the more I pulled back. I believe that I was subconsciously comparing them to my ex and thinking, well I can't get serious because what if she comes back? After all, I still have her stuff here and we said we would have to meet to exchange it. Also she owes me a significant amount of money and her pride would never allow her to renege on that debt. I feel like if I am able to send her this letter and get rid of her things, that there will be no more possible reason for her to ever contact me, and I can commit to loving someone else with no reservations. I have not had a difficult time keeping no contact this long, I just want to finish all fiduciary matters between us so I can live my life with someone new.

[Yaz]

Then do it. But don't send that letter.

[Islandia]

Hi Yaz,

 

Thank you for the insight. Is there a reason that you would get angry with a letter like this? I thought of sending a very short note, but that seemed to me to be pointless because then I would still be in this same position. You will notice I never said I had moved on or gotten over her - although that of course is implied. I am at a point where I am pretty happy being single and going out with friends and prospective romantic partners. I would just like to get to that next point where I am able to commit to a serious relationship again, and I thought that the longer letter would do that for me.

[Islandia]

-This isn’t a ‘closure’ letter, it’s an ‘introduction to the new me after six months’ letter.

-Having scanned your ENA history, this woman doesn’t deserve a bag of your sputum, let alone your consideration.

-All of the mementos of your union should have been carted to the curb the moment you discovered her deceit, and you should have used ‘Snowy’ to sop-up all the spills and nastiness that lingers around your toilet ages ago.

As an aside, my ex’s love letters were neatly stacked by my toilet. Not the tidiest method, but they did the trick for about a week.

-Do not contact this slattern.

-With each day that dawns, you have reason to give thanks; she is no longer in your life.

-Spill your guts to us. We love you.

 

Hi kampuniform,

 

Although I was seriously hurt by her lies, I have not quite reached the point of cynicism where I would treat her with any discourtesy. We shared three good years together, and the actions of the last few months cannot and should not undo our entire past history. I do in fact give thanks that she is no longer in my life. I feel like there are quite a few achievements that I have only accomplished with the fear of failure removed from the equation. Once I had experienced the ultimate heartbreak and failure of my relationship, every other setback seemed minor in comparison. I am going to hold off on sending this letter for now - I feel a bit differently today than I did yesterday, but I still think that I will send her things back to her - mostly clean I guess you are right - maybe this letter has too much of an introduction to the new me feel, and that is not the impression I want to give.

[Islandia]

please under no circumstances send this letter...

 

I was in a very long term relationship - 7 years dating plus 10 of marriage - three young children -, my wife left me for our best friend.. I wrote many letters, and never sent one. I keep them on my computer to remind me how I felt when I wrote them, but I knew instinctively that it was therapy for me, and that she would not have understood anything that I was trying to explain in a letter.

 

You need to move on. You will be better off for it. Have fun in Australia.

 

Thank you pbsurf,

 

I am going to hold on to this letter for now. I don't want to be dishonest, but I feel like I have moved on. The only thing that really "holds me back" as it were is this thought that because we have outstanding business to resolve, she is going to be in touch with me again. I was hoping this letter would pre-emptively end any chance of that and allow me to commit to a serious relationship with someone else.

[Islandia]

Defininitely send it!!! You have nothing to loose, only she would see what a wonderful man she lost.

Letter is perfect in every detail, warm and touching but without despair or sadness... Perfect closure letter, gave me chills down my spine.

So, if it'll make you feel better, send it without hesitation. It's not like you're asking something out of your ex-relationship, just giving a closure that she couldn't give. So, it's more than OK to send it.

 

Btw, you're a really great guy.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words Rose Melody,

 

Just when I think that I should not send it, I am touched to hear that there is another side to the opinions on this board. I think I originally wrote that letter and posted it because the anonymity this forum provides allowed me to put that up there without having to vet it with my friends where word of this might get back to her. In addition, I was sort of hoping to be talked out of sending it because I know the general sentiment on these boards - no contact no matter the circumstances. I needed that slap in the face to slow me down enough at least to re-write portions of the letter before sending it.

 

However, sometimes I feel like having one blanket "rule" for every scenario does not cover situations where there really are unresolved issues, be they emotional, verbal, or financial. And in this case, I am really hoping that by resolving all the issues, I can sever all future ties with my ex.

[Islandia]

this is a very touching letter, tears me up....however, i dont think she deserves such a beautiful letter.

 

Hi VSurfer,

 

I am realistic enough to realize that she probably does not deserve anything from me at this point. However, I wrote the letter for myself - not for her. I deserve to be happy and free of the remaining strings she has tied to my heart, and I hope that writing to her will let me unwind those gossamer strands that still hold me back.

[JazzTheme]

Isn't gossamer a fine silk? I think you won't have any trouble breaking through this "web" all on your own.

[anonymous12]

My fiance broke up with me 2 months ago out of the blue. Before we actually ended things we took a break for a week this is when I started writing him an email.

 

Everyday I would say "I'll send it" but something inside me told me not to and I'm really glad I didn't. Everyday I'd add things to the email until it became 7 pages long ! When I read it now I see how much my feelings and thoughts have changed throughout the 2 months.

 

I know you are hurt and you want to show her that you're doing fine without her, but trust me you will gain nothing out of it other than regret.

 

We assume people handle things the same we do; that they are caring and considerate like us. Truth is people are different and while this might seem like a good idea to you, maybe to someone; like her it's not.

 

So, I suggest that you keep writing what you feel because it will make you feel better, but don't send it atleast not now.

[coolchick64]

I have to agree with the other posters, esp. Yaz and Kampuniform. Don't do it. I agree with everything they've already said to you, but I'd like to add one more thing to the list. Closure is an illusion. If you send this, then a month from now you'll realize you had new insights or didn't say everything you wanted to say. There's no perfect parting letter. If your goal is to be mentally/emotionally free of her so you can date other people, then decide right now that you won't have her back no matter what she says or does. There's your closure. It's the only thing you can control!

 

I'm so happy for you that you've made the most of this difficult situation and achieved so much personally. Revel in that! But focus on your own life and future with new women. Your ex has nothing to offer you. Telling her these things won't make you feel better. Chances are she'll have her own story about what happened and she won't like yours. If you get a response at all, it'll probably aggravate you. If everything you've written is true and you just want to start your life over, then do it without commenting on it. She doesn't need to know. She doesn't matter anymore.

[tha16thletter]

Man, I've been going back and forth about this as I've read this letter and reactions. On one hand, I agree that the whole notion of "closure" is not a real one. It's kind of a vicious cycle. It just keeps going until you actively decide to stop it. And it keeps changing, too. The only closure we can really have is internal- when WE decide it's "case closed".

 

But on the other hand, you sound like you are pretty far away from this woman, mentally and emotionally. In my mind, it sounds like you have nothing to lose, either way. I'd probably tone it back a bit, but if you want to send a letter with her items, do it. Why the hell not? If that's what it takes for YOU to have that finality, and you truly don't care how/if she'll react, then go for it. *shrugs* At this point, if it doesn't matter, just do it.

 

BUT... does it really not matter? If you don't immediately, instinctively, and wholeheartedly think "of course not", then maybe I'd reconsider your approach.

 

P.S Congrats on all the success, man. Live it up!

 

-P