Something I've noticed about people and love

[Double J]

I've noticed that several friends of mine (particularly those that are females) cannot seem to bear the thought of being single for too long. One of my closest male friends literally hooks up with any girl he meets who seems decent looking and available. I have a female friend who almost went bonkers looking for a boyfriend, and she ended up getting back with the first boyfriend she ever had. Also, this other female friend I know apparently got so lonely that she started calling me her "husband" and also began thinking of some random guy who used to like her in high school, but whom she never felt the same for.

 

It seems like many people just aren't happy with themselves, and this is a problem, because you have to love yourself first. I understand everyone wants to have a special someone (I do myself), but I don't mind carrying about my business without the presense of a partner in my life. I'm confident that the right girl for me is out there, and well, as I keep meeting people, I can narrow down my options. I think other people who are a little desperate should try having this mindset.

 

What do you guys think?

[PAdreamer]

Double J, you hit it on the head! That is EXACTLY why people do these things. They are so uncomfortable with themselves and they feel that they need someone to show romantic interest in them to prove that they're not total losers. Having been there in my life, I feel sad for those people. Most of them are really amazing but they just don't have any confidence in themselves! I wish they could see themselves the way that people around them do.

[Double J]

How can you have a successful relationship if you don't truly confide in yourself? It's just not going to work. In most cases, I think people that emotionally depend on others just end up getting hurt in an unfulfilling relationship. The truth of the matter is that people who do have self-confidence also want a partner who exudes that same quality. I have a friend who tells me that she's sad because she feels the need to emotionally rely on somebody, and she can't find anyone who wants to volunteer. Who WOULD? That's just crazy. I don't mind helping someone and giving them advice, but being a counselor on a daily basis? No way. People need to love themselves and then others will learn to love them.

[Lily04]

I agree; I also think it has to do with low self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend until this summer, and never really thought about it much..I was always too busy with schoolwork & other things to really let it get to me. And I was never really interested in anyone anyways. I think when you like someone genuinely you'll know, and it's no use pushing yourself to like people you don't, just to have someone. It's not worth it..and for the people who feel like it is, they're probably too insecure to realize that they should look for people who are compatible with them. There are people out there, it just takes time. But now that I'm dating & see how fun it is, I can understand better those people that have difficulty being single..I've never really understood why it was so heartwrenching before.

[AMON]

I agree with all - however, one often finds that a person's opinion about themself can change as they grow older and depending on what experiences they have had during that time. One can be self-confident at 20 but lose confidence at 35 due to bad relationships or failing at work etc. It's all about the timing as well as the people that enter your life at that particular point. You will no doubt always get what you need in the end.

The golden rule: You cannot love unless you love yourself!

[shes2smart]

If you can't stand your own company, how do you expect anyone else to?

 

It is so much easier to find outside distractions (relationships with others) than to work on oneself. However, learning to love and accept onself makes us more able to love and accept others. Learning that we don't need others to get our needs met means we are more likely to get them met.

 

If I go into a relationship knowing that I don't NEED someone, it puts a lot less pressure and expectation on any potential mate.

 

The popular idea about relationships is 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. I believe many of the problems in relationships can be traced back to this basic assumption. In this scenario, you've got two "half people" looking to the other to complete each other. Since neither of them are complete unto themselves, you're already set up for problems.

 

Instead I like the idea that a romantic/soulmate relationship looks more like this: 1 + 1 = 1 + 1 + 1. Where you start with 2 "whole" people who each love and respect themselves, enjoy their own company, and know/trust that they are capable to taking care of themselves and their needs on their own...You put those 2 "whole" people together and they still retain their individual identities, but there is an added dimension when they are together. The sum is greater than the parts.

 

If you look outside yourself to fix something within yourself, it's probably not going to work. Even in therapy, the shrink is only a guide--the client is the one who does the work. If the client doesn't do the work, all the therapy in the world isn't going to result in that person's life improving one bit.

 

The ONLY thing I can change in this world is what's going on in my own skin...but if I can change that, I can accomplish anything.

 

~s2s

[frail]

Yup, you've got to be happy with yourself before you get into a relationship. Because if you get into a relationship without finding a way to be happy on your own, then it puts a strain on that relationship. It's like having one person be all the reason of your happiness and existence. Everytime my former bf and i got into a disagreement, he would call me aterwards afraid i slit my wrists or something. And i could understand that it was baggage on his shoulders that any little negative thing could cause me to get really depressed. I admit that was one thing i did wrong with that relationship. It took the break-up for me to learn to be happy with myself on my own. Luckly i didn't have to blame myself for the break-up. In the end, he turned out to be the jerk.

[mahlina]

I COMPLETELY agree with your post. I don't understand why some people do that either. That's how people get mixed up in the wrong situation, and get hurt. If love's meant to happen, then it will. There's no point in rushing it. Besides, I think that being single is nice, because I'd rather be happy with by myself, rather than being miserable with someone else. But if Mister Right comes along, then great. I just think that some people aren't picky enough with who they want as their boyfriends or girlfriends. I have a friend who's like that, and their relationship isn't too great. It's as if people like to hold onto this 'image' of someone who they think, can fill in a void for their emotions. It won't happen. They should be happy with themselves first, before they can truly be happy with someone else. Nice Post. -Mahlina

[Double J]

I agree Mahlina. I have this friend who likes me. She hasn't told me, but I could just TELL - her actions convey it. The thing is that although I love her personality because she's so sweet and caring, I am not physically attracted to her at all. But I won't get with her just because she likes me. It's better to be patient for someone who has a little of everything. Don't just go for the first thing that comes your way.

[titan1]

You enter this world alone and you leave this world alone...

 

Milds well get used to being alone while living..................

 

 

The tale of the 3-Alones..

[HappyFunnyFoo]

I know several people that are like that, and this applies in varying degrees. I was one of those people, then I realised after my first short relationship that the reason it occurred was because of not just my partner and luck but the strength, talent, and positive emotion inside of me. This aspect of the relationship strengthened me. I truly believe that the healthiest form of love does come from people who have positive views of themselves.

 

-HappyFunnyFoo

[jaiva]

I was one of those people who couldn't be without a significant other. I would sometimes get another one when I knew that the first relationship was about to end. I ended all of my relationships for this one guy who ended up getting me into a lot of trouble. Once I broke up with him I decided that I needed to find the true me so I was single for about a year and I learned a lot about me. I got help from one of my male friends and now he and I are happy together. He has made me a very happy person and I love him dearly and I also love myself.

 

Just thought I'd share my story.

 

Jaiva

[Celadon]

I wish there were more happy single people in the world, so we could show everyone that it's okay to be who you are, all by yourself. You don't need an appendage (gf/bf, lol) in order to "be someone."

 

Unfortunately, for those of us who are or have been insecure about our attractiveness and worth, getting into a relationship can be one of the worst things to do. Ya know? Instead of building ourselves up based on who we are and what we like and what we value, we let our esteem rest in the hands of someone else. I've been there and it hasn't been a pretty sight.

 

But anyway, I consider it a blessing to be at a point in life where I'm understanding better how to live at peace with myself and my situations. Crises still come my way, but they don't last as long as they used to, because I feel more secure to handle them.

[Kaylum]

I believe that low self-esteem is at the root of all bad or abusive relationships, and I know plenty of people who either keep after a man or woman who clearly isn't interested or else let someone walk all over them physically and/or emotionally just so they can say they have someone. No one with any self-respect would put up with that. Although it's not easy to maintain a good self image, especially as I get older, I like myself enough not to fall into that trap. So yeah, I agree that it's very, very important to at least like yourself before you can have a close and loving (but not obsessive or co-dependent) relationship with someone else

[AMON]

Can I ask - do those who have low self-esteem always have co-dependant / obsessive realtionships? Furthermore, is co-dependancy/obsessiveness ALWAYS the result of low self-esteem or are there other reasons as well?

[wlfpack81]

I Besides, I think that being single is nice, because I'd rather be happy with by myself, rather than being miserable with someone else.

 

-Mahlina

 

Beign single sucks if you don't get any benefits (i.e. dating around, casual sex). So I'm not happy. I freaking bet you if you were in my shoes you would find being single unhappy. It's easy for you to saying being single is nice since you have b/f and have in the past but if you were like me and never had anyone (a g/f in my case) dates, romantic phone calls, kisses etc. then life would be miserable.

[Double J]

wlfpack, hang in there bud. Being single is as big a problem as you make it. It's all in the mind. If you don't think about it so much and focus on other things, it's almost as if your mind flushes it out. Of course, you'll think of finding a girl and what not sparingly, but don't make it an issue. Have fun, enjoy life... Everyone gets their opportunity sooner or later, just don't sweat it.

[Roffler]

Do realize that some people just badly want to be with someone. It's not a confidence thing, it's just a time thing. I get bored quite easily, yet whenever I've been with any of the girlfriends I've had (my current one or any of the past), it didn't matter what we were doing (including literally nothing) time flew by as we were together. Some people want that to the point of needing it. A significant other is something to do (not always sexually) in and of itself. Sure it's great to go out with your boys (or girls, gender dependent), but the best memories in life will be the ones you share with that special someone, even if the relationship does not last forever. Perhaps people are forcing memories, but whatever it is that they are doing, I say let them be. Unless someone is getting hurt through these actions, to each his (or her) own. [/b]

[Cassie]

I have a friend who craves constant attention from guys. She is an enormous flirt and keeps the 'nice' guys on the sidelines so she always has an option open if her other love interests fall through. It is a bit fascinating to watch her in action. I am a very quiet, reserved shy girl and the most annoying thing is, my friend is always trying to hook me up with guys I have absolutely no interest in! I'm fine with being single, and I wish she could be as well. She tells me all of the time how needy of attention she is, and I find it kind of pathetic.

[mahlina]

I know what you mean Cassie. I remember running into girls like that waay back in high school. It was sad because they tried so hard to impress. I felt like saying, "Oh come on! That's how you get yourself into more trouble. Don't try to knock yourself over dead over some guy. The right person will come a long when you least expect it. Otherwise, you're just running into people who know that you're desperate, and will take advantage of that. Life is not a show. It's not about playing games, or putting up an 'act'. It's not about being showy and winning attention. It's about being you, being true. So sit back and relax." Go figure. They ended up getting pregnant at a young age. Now they have children whose fathers aren't even around. thereforeeee, it would've been great if they didn't rush into things. At least they could've saved themselves for people who truly cared, instead of rushing into 'the heat of the moment.' I feel sorry for their kids for not having their fathers around much. But hey, that's just a sad part of life unfortunately.

 

That's why the best decisions are made when they are not haste decisions. thereforeeee, I'd rather be choosy, be single, and in the position that I am in, instead of being with 'just anyone.' Granted, some people may always want a relatioship. I have a friend who's like that. She's dying to meet the 'Mr. Right.' I know that she's sad about never ever having her first love. Because of her weight problem, she has trouble running into guys who truly are interested in her. But I tell her that deep down inside, she is a beautiful person. If a person can't love her for who she is inside, then trying to be 'someone else' to win attention won't work. Who she is: is someone beautiful inside and out. If someone can't accept her because of her weight problem, then it's their loss, because she's an angel in my eyes. And she really does have a face of an angel. I'm glad that even though she's truly wanting to meet Mr. Right, then at least she's not willing to throw herself at these men at any given opportunity. I respect people like her, and I truly hope that she will find her true love someday... Mahlina

[diverp]

One thing I have noticed from dating a couple of people who have had a serious dependency on sig-others in the past is that they can get to the point of feeling content to be alone. However, it is almost like they go to the opposite extreme sometimes and act as if they need nobody. I have dated two women who were like this and it was very difficult. Actually, I am still dating the second one. She suffers from depression and had a very clingy relationship with her husband who left her. She was devastated and ended up almost retreating. What I mean is that it really has taken a long time for her to open up and let me into her life (she still really doesn't do it very easily). I really think she is deep down terrified of being vulnerable. I guess what I am getting at is that some people tend to see only black or white in this issue, never the grey. It can become all extremes. It takes a while to earn that trust and a lot of patience.

[madhornet]

I've just read through this topic and the various responses and a lot of good points have been brought up.

 

Before I went to Uni I was very shy and inhibited with only one real friend. After I'd been away from home for 3 years at Uni I gradually became more confident and made more friends which opened things up for me making more friends when I got back. At no stage was I ever desperate for a girlfriend but I went out socialising fairly regularly and relaxed and had fun.

 

My point is that all that time despite chatting to girls and not coming accross desperate for a girlfriend or anything, nothing ever happened in terms of any form of short or long term girlfriend/relationship. If a girl had shown some interest then I would have got to know them but I still can't figure out why it didn't ever happen in those 3 years at Uni (with a ratio of 8 females to every male - really quite worrying for me now thinking about it). Anyway now I'm nearly 28 and keen on finding someone to be with, nothing really seems to be happening when I'm making a bit of effort (without going overboard) to meet more women and get to know them, mainly through friends. My longest relationship (if you can call it that) was a mere 1 1/2 weeks.

 

It bemuses me that when I'm being my usual self and am relaxed and having fun women just aren't interested in me, then when I try and make some form of an effort to find a girlfriend this also results in nothing. Is this just bad luck or am I going about things the wrong way? As Roffler mentioned in his post about a week ago, for some people it is a time thing not a confidence thing, especially like me when you've had virtually zero experience of having a girlfriend or even dated a few women in the past.

 

It seems that if you haven't had some form of a long term relationship certainly by my age then that sends women running a mile once you tell them, as though you've got some disease that repels women. Is this actually true or can this be taken as not necessarily a negative attribute by women?

 

I know this had covered a lot of different points but I really do begin to wonder whether there is a potential girlfriend out there who will like me for who I am.