Confused and burned out; what next?

[chatelaine]

This is my first post here, so please be gentle. I'd really like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

 

I have been with my significant other for close to three years. To make a long story short -- I thought I was IN love with him, head over heels, that he was going to be my knight in shinning armor - but I was young and naive, and realized I probably made a few mistakes in terms of giving up certain things that were important to me, sacrficing my self respect to smooth over arguments, etc. We would argue, sometimes heatedly and it scared the wits out of me. Then things got better, or returned to normal. Yet something was always missing between us. I ignored it for a long time, then finally spilled my beans. Since being more honest, things have gotten slightly better between us. He's a better listener now, whereas before I could never tell him about my unhappiness without getting some fault of mine shoved in my face in return. I'm grateful for this, it really makes things easer.

 

However, there is still something missing. I think we have more mutual respect for eachother, yet the spark -- the passion, just isn't there. I'm open about wanting to be treated romantically, instead of just like a chum. I'm an attractive person, and I go to great lengths to maintain my looks for him, as well as myself. I want to be treated like I'm HIS woman, not just A woman. Does that make sense? I want him to compliment me for no reason, make love to me more than once a week, plan an evening out for us, buy me some small inexpensive gift that will touch my heart more than any gaudy diamond, take the time to actually ask me about my day when I get home from work, maybe even fix ME dinner for a change, or give me a massage since my job is physical, and his is not ... I know there are men out there who do these things for their girlfriends/wives. I work in a family type environment, and it's absolutely killing me everyday to see the happy couples and their children.

 

Tomorrow we're going on a trip together that I planned, of course. It's supposed to be romantic ... atleast, that's what I've told him. I wrote him a little poem, a cutesy card I made with scrapbooking supplies. It didn't take me even an hour, and I find myself sitting here afraid that he won't do anything for me tomorrow that will make me feel special or loved. I'm afraid that, like always when we go out to dinner, he won't have anything to say, and I'll be carrying the entire conversation. I want to remember good times, and plan ahead. I want to laugh and just be in the moment. Is that too much to ask? I'm terrified he won't hold my hand, or offer me any kind of affection. Sometimes I don't think people even know we're together. When random men hit on me or make some derogatory remark, I get so angry because I want him to defend me. I don't think he ever notices, because normally when this happens, like at the grocery store, or at the mall, he tends to be absent minded, like his body is there but his brain is off God knows where, like a robot going through the motions.

 

So, what I want to know is ... what is the best approach for tomorrow? I'm always cautious to not come off as too criticizing, but I want my feelings to be known. What can I do to open his eyes?

[Snny]

Take this as a grain of salt...

 

It seems that your expectations of him could be high. For example:

When random men hit on me or make some derogatory remark, I get so angry because I want him to defend me.

You're being a bit hard on him. First of all... confronting strangers in public who make nasty remarks could place you and your SO in a dangerous situation. You don't know if they could be looking for trouble and if they are carrying a weapon if a fight breaks out. People who make these comments WANT to get a rise from you and WANT to get into a fight. It's a situation you don't want to put yourselves in unless you are seriously threatened. If they are not threatening you, who cares what they have to say? You're boyfriend is with you and isn't bothered by the comments one bit. He doesn't always have to stick up for you.

 

You want him to be more romantic, but you're putting him on a high pedestal. As long as he is not being posessive, controlling, neglecting, or abusive then he is treating you well. The longer you date, the more and more "comfortable" a person is. The things you expect your SO to do commonly happen in the honey-moon phrase. The romance backs down a bit. This happened to my SO, but it doesn't mean he stopped loving me. Since we both have different schedules, we try to schedule a weekend together.

 

However if you do expect more out of him, speak up. It's a great sign he is listening to you. I suggest before going on the trip, have a casual chat with him and come up with a list on how to spice the trip up together. Some possible ideas could be candles in the room, sprinkle rose petals on the bed, go sight seeing while taking tons of pictures, have dinner alone together, or maybe look at night life events to attend.

 

 

P.S. Can you please make your text bigger next time? I had to copy and paste in Microsoft Word and make it bigger and easier to read.

[chatelaine]

First of all... confronting strangers in public who make nasty remarks could place you and your SO in a dangerous situation. You don't know if they could be looking for trouble and if they are carrying a weapon if a fight breaks out. People who make these comments WANT to get a rise from you and WANT to get into a fight. It's a situation you don't want to put yourselves in unless you are seriously threatened. If they are not threatening you, who cares what they have to say? You're boyfriend is with you and isn't bothered by the comments one bit. He doesn't always have to stick up for you.

 

It's not that I want him to verbally or physically confront someone. Honestly, I would be satisfied if he would just be beside me to actually HEAR, and then tell me to ignore them, that what they said isn't true, or worth my time. Of course, yes, sometimes it would be nice to have a man stand up for my dignity. I don't think that's too much to ask for. If someone was saying hurtful things to a loved one, I wouldn't just ignore it.

 

I know that with familiarity, relationships change. But I also know people who have been married for 20+ years and still have that special connection. I really hope that just because we've known eachother for a few years, we can still make it a little magical between us ... otherwise, what's the point?

[catfeeder]

I'd start off by trying to figure out where I stand first--whether I want to stay with this man or whether I want out. If I want out, it's not necessary to justify my reasons--I'm free to go, and I don't need to assign a villain role to either of us in order to do that.

 

If I want to stay, what kind of qualifiers and conditions am I putting on that statement--and are they reasonable to expect of BF? You've invested a lot in getting clarity about what you want from a lover and what you're not getting from BF. You're not spinning your wheels with generalizations, you're specific. That's useful.

 

None of us can tell you whether the things that are important to you are even possible from BF--but if you want the actual answer, you've really got zero to lose and everything to gain by proposing to BF everything you've written here. Then give him some time with No Contact to mull it over and decide whether he wants to offer those things to you, or not--and he can come up with a list of his own wishes and fears to present same options to you.

 

From there the question becomes, as much as you may love one another, can you negotiate a relationship that will make both of you happy together? I'd consider the question in light of the fact that we never get any time back for do-overs. I'd either opt to throw everything I've got into fixing this thing, or I'd be outta there. No middle ground.

 

In your corner.