HELP! He wants to "be together" one last time....

[sweety74]

Hi, my saga continues...

 

For those who haven't seen my myriad of posts, have been married for 9 years in the relationship for 12, started like a fairy tale, then little outbursts from my husband, ones that I could work past to start with but they started getting worse, wev'e had three major arguements this year, mainly spurred by money problems and other outside stresses, the last one got out of hand ending in us both giving each other a shake, and him almost throwing me accross the room when he got fright when I grabbed him and shook him to show him what it was like when he did it to me.

 

Wev'e realised wev'e reached a point of no return (Im for counselling for both of us and anger management for him, but he doesn't want to know about it - wants to move away to sort himself out and also thinks a move to the city where his brother is will mean more money and the type of lifestyle he has always wanted - we've lived on the bones of our butts for the last 5-6 years, his brother and friends all have nice homes, flash vehicles, and great jobs paying really good hourly rates)

 

Wev'e been living in the same house for a month since the incident, have had several talks about what went wrong, how we are feeling and what will happen from here on in. We haven't held back, wev'e been completely honest and I feel we have cleared the air, thanked each other for the time we have had together, apologised for the things we have done to hurt each other, and let each other know where we stand. I know, that he is going to move out, he is not going to change his mind. He knows that I have accepted that.

 

We both still love each other - but we are in love with the person we first met, and both feel the other person has become someone we don't much care for. We both think the split has to happen, we both want to part as friends, we both think things could change down the track, i.e some time apart might be all we need, but we are both prepared for the possibility that one or the other might find someone else or might prefer to be alone. We don't know what will happen.

 

I have made sure to keep my distance emotionally and physically to enable me to move on. He has struggled with still wanting to hold me, kiss me, be near me, and of course sleep with me. He still wants that closeness. I got angry with him and told him not to be so insulting, and told him it wasn't going to happen. On a day like this, I would give him a hug, but no more.

(We had a really bad day when we had to tell our 5 year old we were splitting up, we both cried, and naturally, went to each other for comfort, and held each other and cried).

 

I understood how he felt that he sometimes needed to hold me when he was feeling upset about what was happening. After 12 years, you would naturally go to your partner for comfort. But still, the sex thing? He says its more than just wanting to get his rocks off, he wants to be close to me one last time before we part.... I kind of get that, I'm not dumb enough to think it will change things, I see it for what it is, one last chance to be intimate with each other before we go our separate ways.

 

We don't hate each other, we both still find each other attractive, he hasn't been unfaithful, we've been getting on well while still living together, and he even arranged to have a special dinner for the family tonight as it would be our last weekend together as a family (his son from another relationship is leaving to go back to his mothers tonight)

 

It would be nice to be together one last time, but Im worried about what damage it could do to us moving on - I told him I need to leave this relationship with my dignity intact, and that I don't want to end up being angry at him if being intimate one last time brings out the wrong kind of feelings.

 

He has been saying and doing a lot of nice things - maybe just to get his way, he can tend to know how to work his way around me so I have to be careful Im not being manipulated and used.

 

My first thought - he doesn't want to put the effort in to save the marriage, he would rather move away, he is the one that caused the fight, we are no longer married as such, so he doesn't really have the right to those priveleges.

 

However, we are both still attracted to one another, and if we both see one last night together for what it is, just a goodbye, not a step towards reconciliation, then is their any harm? Am I being totally stupid here????

 

Would you do it in this situation?

[ImGrowing]

Red Flag, he's using you for sex.

 

If you want to leave with dignity, don't allow him use you "one last time." He's basically saying you're only good for "one last time," Do you think you're not good enough for "forever?"

[SemperRogue]

I wouldn't. He declined ownership and that activity belongs to the man that accepts you and all that comes with you. Tell him that. Unless of course you don't think its a big deal.

 

Sounds like once he finds the grass isn't greener and things get rough with his siblings he'll come back. Maybe not right away but probably during the next major holiday. I bet on Christmas. Not to give you hope, just reading his actions according to you.

[sweety74]

Thanks - my head and my impulses are completely at war with this one

 

Wev'e been co-habitating quite nicely over the past month, to the point wev'e forgotten about all the arguements, the break up, the tears wev'e shed, the heartache thats just around the corner when he moves out, we've been laughing, joking, complimenting each other on our appearance, and I guess, starting to feel close again. He has given me a pat on the backside a few times as I've walked past him, we sat on the couch today and he grabbed my foot and put in up on his lap and started massaging my foot... its just weird.

 

I was cleaning out the linen cupboard, he came up and asked for a hug, which I gave, as we were having a great day, both in a good mood, he'd just been up on top of the house painting the roof and I told him he deserved a hug after that scary experience. Then we moved on to talking about what linen he wanted packed away for when he moves!!! Its just bizarre!!!!

 

Tonight when we went to get dinner he said it would be nice if we could all drive out together to pick it up, so we did that. All four of us getting in the car and going for a drive to get dinner.

 

Im growing, i agree with you somewhat - being female, its easy for me to think, oh, poor guy, he needs to have some closure, get rid of those residual emotions by getting close and intimate..... I need to think like the male brain, and realise he might just be saying and doing all the right things to get a leg over while he still can!!! I don't think he only wants it one last time, he's been hoping I might crawl into his bed every night since we had the fight (yeah right, buddy!!!) I admit, hes a well built guy, and I am finding it hard not to want to spend one more night with him too, I think it would bring complete closure for both of us, but, then again, could open a whole other can of worms!

 

It would either help or hinder us in moving on.

[SemperRogue]

I had something similiar, the X and I were very amicable during the breakup and even had sex. I was in complete denial of the breakup, just thought she'd see the light and come back. It wasn't until she was gone that it started to hurt, compound that with her attitude. No more friend, she was cold and hard. Geez. It hurt so damn bad that I was exercising for hours just to be able to sleep. To each their own but good luck with your break. I hope its clean and friendly.

[sweety74]

Thanks - sorry about your break up I hope that you are having better times now. I guess every break up is different and we're lucky if we can stay friendly throughout, I know some break ups can be pretty ugly.

Ive made the mistake in the past of sleeping with an ex to hope it would get them to stay, this time I actually do want him to go, It needs to happen, we would be miserable if we got back together and did not make any changes - this happened last time, we couldn't bear to go through with the split, got back together, but then the same old problems came up on both sides. So definitely a break or break up is needed. So Im under no illusions that having sex will change anything, but may make the break up less amicable, I don't know how I would feel afterwards. Best scenario - satisfied and completely freed of any need to try and hold on - worst scenario, USED and angry.....

[Ms Darcy]

You'd feel used and angry. One day he's orgasming in you and the next he's moving out. Don't do it - literally.

[sweety74]

Thanks Ms Darcy, Thank god, common sense prevailed and I have gone back to keeping to myself and only speaking with him when necessary. I told him that I had decided against it - he said "oh, your'e breaking my heart!" He made me feel guilty about not wanting to sleep with him - you know, with him having such a hard time dealing with all these emotions and feelings he still has for me, even though he doesn't like me as a person anymore and feels we have "run our course"

 

We talked again and I asked him what he was hoping to gain out of sleeping together before he leaves - closure? He said he wants to have closeness for a memory that he can hold on to, to think about good times together not bad. What a load of C**P!!! Im glad I said no! We talked further and I said that the past couple of weeks it would have been easy just to slip back into our old life and carry on as though nothing had happened. To which he replied "no, we ARE breaking up - we are breaking up"

 

To top that off the house is not finished or ready to put on the market, so I guess I will need to learn to paint. Our child is starting to misbehave already due to the changes, and I don't know how I will manage financially once he is gone and I have to pay the mortgage by myself until the house sells.

 

Looks like Im the sucker here so don't need to add last minute booty call to the list of things Ive already agreed to that I shouldn't have!!!!

 

God me can be such insensitive jerks during a breakup!!! and he wonders why Ive gone all cold!!!

 

Thats my rant anyway, thanks for the comments and support everyone