What Makes Them Suddenly Turn Mean?

[skynet74]

I was with the most Beautiful girl for 10 years. No kids but Marriage plans had been made. She had an awsome personality. So Kind, caring and considerate. Then this year she became loud, obnoxious, cold hearted and just plain abusive. We broke up in January, Got back together from March to May and now we are apart again.

 

She suffers from depression. She's Age 31, I was her first Boyfriend. Now she's looking for someone new. But even so...... She is proving that she can't even be a friend. The intentional emotional abuse from her is something I had never thought she was capable of. It now appears that she says things that she knows will just hurt me even more. I am nothing short of traumatized by it. Total shock and disbelief that this is the same wonderful woman I was with for so long. What happens in the mind of our Ex's to turn such a gentle loving person into a Monster?

 

 

 

 

John

[if only]

Hi I really feel for you I have been through a similar situation with my ex (we were together for 5 wonderful years)

 

When we broke up it was quite friendly and we were both going to try and stay friends but as soon as he walked out of my house that day he became a complete pig.

 

I think they turn so nasty because of guilt and they feel if they push you away it will be easier for you and them to move on. I think it is also the only way they can deal with the way they are feeling. Its always a really hard thing to do to end a relationship even if it is for the right reasons.

[PunkPyro912]

Theres a numerous amount of reasons as this could have happened. If she suffers depression tahts a logical reason but maybe she has personal things going on and she wants to be alone. She probably says that she wnats a new BF because she wants to make you mad but in reality i think she just needs space. Maybe family things are going on causing her to act like this or maybe lots and lots of stress building up on her. Stress will do alot to a person and all other factors of life can turn a nice caring person into something that theyre not...as you describe it. I just hope it all works out for you in the end.

[skynet74]

Yes I agree that she's under a lot of stress. it has been a very Traumatic year for her. She broke up with me after 10 years. Then this guy she started seeing died from Alchohol Poisoning in her arms. Then a couple months ago her Brother died in a Car crash. So Yes stress she has.

 

However let me also note that she started acting up before all these traumatic events. These people did not pass away until after she broke up with me. Every time we had a break up someone close to her would pass away within weeks. Almost as GOD's way of punishing her for breaking my heart. Strange but true.

 

I do not wish bad on her. I wish her well. But at least things were much more peaceful and stable when we were together. Now she ripped apart both our lives. She is staying in a room at her friends house. Nothing she can really call permanent. I am in an apartment that I can't really afford because I'm now left with all the bills since she moved out. So she is really effecting a lot of lives by what she is doing. Now she has just turned totally irresponsible. Not really paying her bills and just going to clubs and Partying all the time. Her motto is I'll do whatever I want whenever I want. Apparently she was sick of the stable life with me. It got boring for her. But as my friends Dad says....... "That Partying stuff gets Old QUICK." I think he is right. Then she will probably want to come back to me after it's all out of her system. However it's the not knowing part that's killing me. If I could see the future and knew she was coming back in 6 months, then I could deal with this a lot better. As of right now it looks like she's never coming back and that's what scares me.

 

 

 

John

[JT]

Well I have clinical depression so I can speak first hand at what goes on in our heads, especially in relationships.

 

Relationships are very intimate and close with a partner of course.. being male or female. Now, as we both know we have a male and female parents. The way we deal with our parents, and any particular feelings we have towards our parents as a youngster determines how we act towards our partner. Lets figure... the closest person to us since our parents.. is well.. our partner. Any unresolved feelings you have come up and you act them out on that person. If you were depressed as a kid.. that all comes back out.. and you have to learn to resolve it. Your girl sounds like she was depressed most of her life and never got it out with therapy. Well, its natural she's gonna take it all out on her partner.. YOU!!

 

Its not her fault necessarily.. intentional is what it seems to you.. but in her head as a child... thats all she knows. She needs to be aware of this and draw what she's feeling currently into something in her childhood so she can get it out.

 

How much do you know about her childhood experiences? Can you make any similarities between something she's done to you and how she reacted to something in her childhood? I betcha she acted the same way.. she felt the same feelings!

 

Let me give you an example. My mom always abandoned me with feeligns as a youngster.. never could see validity in how I was feeling... plus she left most of the week to go to work in other counties. I had a sense of abandonment from my mother. So, getting into a serious relationship of two years... what do I think?? I think I'm not worthy.. I'm not worth it... so I would test her to see how much she really loved me. I'd push her and do whacked out depressive stuff... just because I was depressed as a child.

 

So, thats where she's coming from. I have read many subjects on this so I know. Its called the 90/10 principle and is the basis for modern day psychology. Everything is 90% past 10% present. I have done so much therapy since breaking up that I've resolved a lot of my issues. I still have a way to go, but I'm confident in knowing I can make it all the way.

 

Let me know if you have any specific questions.

[skynet74]

What you say makes a lot of sense. Her parents are divorced. Her Mom was never really responsible. She would take off for weekends away or go to bars at night. My girlfriend who is the oldest was basically a parent to her siblings because of that. Taking care of them and doing a lot of the things her Mom should have been doing. She basically took over the mother role. My Ex was the caretaker and was very good at it. However when her and I split she actually said she is sick of taking care of others and not doing for herself. So this actually seems like part of what is now going on. She sees it fit to DO DO DO for herself now instead of for others.

 

At Age 16 she went to live with her Dad and two other siblings. Her Dad and her were close (still are). Got along good. He kind of had a drinking problem though, but he was a goofy drunk. Never got violent. Just a little silly. So this atmosphere was actually happier for her then when she was living at her Moms.

 

Today her Dad drinks no more but her Mom remains irresponsible. Boyfriends, drinking and Gambling come first to her Mom. Family comes second. I still know that bothers my Ex to this day. She loves her Mom but I feel she has no respect for who she is and always has been. Her Mom is basically a selfish women who doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself. However this is the type of person my Ex has also become lately. So draw your own conclusions on what that means.

 

Maybe you can help me figure out if this is my fault or just something she was bound to go through anyway. Temporary or permenent. Phase or just who she'll now be forever. I appreciate your help.

 

 

thanks,

 

john

[JT]

As far as it being your fault.. no, its not your fault. This change is something she's going through. She saw how her mother and her father was growing up.. so she knows their behavior and only theirs. Maybe she wanted to become like her mother and she is acting that out towards you. On the other hand, 10 years from 21 to 31 is a long time to be together, and during those years many changes take place. I always said I would'nt know myself well enough until I was 30. Perhaps she is finding out who she is or she is still searching. Perhaps this is a phase in her life. You must let her go through it on her own. Only she can and will change only if she wants it.

 

What kind of bad treatment have you been receiving from her? Why do you think its your fault? IS she blaming you?

[skynet74]

What kind of bad treatment have you been receiving from her? Why do you think its your fault? IS she blaming you?

-------------------

 

Well the bad treatment is her total disregard for my feelings. I have an Anxiety Condition and this break up has put me in major panic mode. She couldn't care less. For 10 years she was always there for me. Not just a girlfriend, but also my ROCK. She would help me through tough times like this and it meant the world to me. Much of my family is no longer around. My parents have passed on and my brother lives 3,000 Miles away and we barely talk. I have one good friend who lives nearby but that's it. In other words I really don't have anybody. Now the one person I did have no longer wants to be there for me. I brought up how when I'm going through tough times I no longer have anyone to turn to. Her response to me was...... That's Not My Problem! Nice isn't it?

 

When she moved out she also left me with the entire rent payment and all the bills as well. Something we had shared together. I brought up this added burden and how it wasn't really fair to leave me hanging like this. Her response was You're An Adult. You'll Figure It Out. Great huh?

 

We also shared a Car too. When she broke up with me She took the car. Her response was You only live a mile from the store. You can walk.

 

Now are you starting to see what I am dealing with here? She tells me that she can no longer be there for me which I understand. But isn't there a nicer way to go about it then the Hell she is putting me through. Can't there be breaking up with Compassion? I never knew that breaking up meant you had to be Giant Jerk too. Obviously I was wrong.

 

She was Never anything like this until January. Now there has been a complete personality change. Yes I am worried for myself, but a piece of me is even more worried for Her.

 

 

 

John

[sweetione]

John,

 

I completely feel for you. When I talked to my ex the last time, I definitely felt a chill/coldness from him. For me, that makes me not want to call him anytime soon. I don't deserve that disrespect. I didn't see that at the time of the call but now in retrospect I can say it. The only thing I know is that we can not figure out what our exes are going through. I have tried to put myself in my exes shoes but I can't. I didn't go through his experiences. I, right now, can only know how to take care of me. How am I going to get through today. How do I make it a day that I don't waste. That is what I have to do for me. Otherwise I live in this constant pain 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I am in pain but I am trying to push past it and make myself stronger. I think that is what you have to do too. You need to either get another roommate or move or figure out something but don't depend on your ex anymore. Not for anything!! She obviously doesn't want to be a part of it. At least not now. If she sees that you are doing fine without her that will make you look more attrative to her. I am not a relationship expert, by any means, but this is how i see it.

[benevolent]

I think the only part of the problem is that we forget that it's a natural tendency of a relationship to see the "sparks" wane over time. So at best I think you are looking at a temporary band aid. After all, even the hottest chicks or guys can become ho-hum after an extended period of time. It's like that old saying about eating the same cereal day after day. The other key point is that it takes two to tango and your ex or soon to be reclaimed love is going to have to do her part to make the relationship work too. In saying that, I have yet to hear anyone say whether they had issues or things they couldn't stand about their ex while they were in a relationship. Since many have been dumped or rejected here, one has to wonder "did you ever take into account all the negatives about your ex?" The current theme seems to be about improving ourselves wihch is great, but what about our ex's? Wasn't it Dr. Phil or someone in the area that said it takes 2 people to cause a relationship to fail? There are exceptions, of course, especially if you were abusive, cheated, or did not have a positive relationship.

 

I think what many guys have a problem doing is being consistent with the whole romance, attraction, sensitivity, etc. part of the relationship. I was kind of the opposite and that made my ex uncomfortable because for the first time in her relationships and former marriage, she told me that she was no longer "the sweetest one, the most romantic one, etc.." My problem with this is that she treated it like a competition and that was getting to her.

 

The other question I have and this for John/Skynet and all of those who noticed a "sudden change in the personality of their ex." Was this change in your ex preceded by her making new female friends or from getting more feedback or "advice" from them? The reason I ask is the following:

 

My ex went through a similar change and it wasn't until she became friends with another woman in her work. From what I understand, they shared similarities, such as being single moms, having a jerk for an ex, history of dating jerks, etc.

 

Anyway, my ex always talked highly of me, our relationship and I kind of sensed jealousy from her friend because my ex finally had something right in our relationship, especially one that involved 2 kids. When my ex would tell her of something nice I had done, her friend would always try to top what I did. There was never a "hey that was really nice..." or other compliment. Initially, I would hear stories of how her friend's bf was possibly cheating on her (in fact I caught him in 'situation" one time). Once her friend started hearing of how good our relationship was, "suddenly" her friend's relationship was just as good or better. Mmm hmmm

 

I would sometimes bring this up with some friends, especially female friends and they immediately reacted. They wanted to know if my ex was complaining about me and while my ex denied it, she did finally say that her and her new friends would always have a b!tch session about their bf's or husbands or whatever. When I mentioned the "jealousy" part, they reacted even more (man, you women crack me up!). They basically told me that this "friend" sounds like she was dropping hints to her [my ex] and was trying to manipulate the whole situation by making me look like a bad guy.

 

I laughed at this and thought they were crazy, but then I started thinking about past conversations I had with my ex and she had said to me that her friend told her that "I was too good for her", "that maybe I deserve someone who is more like me", etc... Some friend she is huh?

 

My females friends have basically said my ex's friend and others were completely jealous of us and swerved the whole situation. I've heard rumors that my ex's friend was upset because I treated my ex and her kids the best way possible. I heard that she was upset over hearing of all the nice things we did and "that made her sick". Again this is purely speculation that some friends have heard through the grapevine. Like many people here, the breakup was a shock to everyone, since the next step and expectaction for us was marriage and kids.

 

Just some food for thought I guess. My female friends swear by their explanation and theory and apparently have been through it or seen it before.

 

I'd love to hear feedback om this one.

[skynet74]

From my experience a Girlfriends friend(s) can ruin a relationship. My Ex would tell her friends about problems she wouldn't even tell me. She would confide in them and of course her friends just made a bad situation even worse. My Ex worked with one woman who started cheating on her husband with a client. Well guess who the next person was that ended up sleeping with the same client? MY EX! Of course you can't blame it all on their friends. Your Girlfriend has to take equal responsibility. But I'll tell you right now that if her friends don't like you, then 9 out of 10 times there is going to be a problem. I told a friend of mine earlier this week that I need to find a girl who has No Friends!

 

 

John

[sweetione]

that is crap!! I am a girl and was happy. I dont' think you should generalize all women in a category.

[skynet74]

Well these are my general Experiences. I've had two long term relationships and it's been the same story. Girlfriend is great until she starts getting advice from friends. Then she starts going out more and more with these same friends. Eventually the only one she continues to see are her friends as I get the boot.

 

I don't mean to generalize. Of course their are women out there who don't do this. I've just yet to find one.

 

 

 

John

[John1]

John,

 

I know exactly how you feel... Now I wasnt with my ex g/f for 10 but we had 4 great years together... 13 months ago we split up as I drunkenly kissed another girl, now I took the breakup badly... i pushed her a lot to get a 2nd chance and she turned very very resistant.. she changed her number , she moved out of her home.. so i cant contact her at all...

I know where she works and i called out there 1 day "just to see if we try again"

its been 13 months since we split.. we used to speak every day 3-4 times.. since we split we have spoken maybe 10 times...

she has turned very cold and distant.. now i know i hurt her , but i never meant to hurt her.. but she still is resistant towards me.. she doesnt want a b/f at the moment.. she says i dont deserve a 2nd chance

this was a girl who 13 months ago wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me... Now I dont see her anymore...

I have given her space now.. she partys a lot with her friends. I think of her every day, its kills me.. i try to move on but its just so hard..

we had 4 great years and 1 isolated mistake by me and its curtains to the relationship.. bye bye.. thanks for all the gifts and money you supplied...

I didnt handle the breakup well.. badly in fact.. i chased her for about 11 months but it only drove her further away..

 

Last night i saw a wedding video that me and my ex attended just 4 weeks before we split up... i could see the way she looked at me the love in her eyes for me..

 

I have written to her telling her Im sorry for everything and that I never meant to hurt her... We spoke 5 weeks ago and she was friendly towards me... had a chat and bit of a laugh.. but she still wont take me back.. she wont hang out for a coffee or anything..

I dont know what to think anymore.. i feel if i meet someone else then my ex will change her mind and want to come back like its some kind of game.. but its not a game....

 

Anyway Skynet / John, i wish you the best of luck in what happens.. hopefully she will see that what she is doing and the way she is treating you is wrong.. i hope my ex realises this too..

 

John

[JT]

Sometimes friends can make you see things you can't. Love is blind so they say. If you get away from the attachment of the one you supposedly "love", your able to see things more objectively. Case with my ex.. I was "blind". Still hurts and sucks but the more I meet other women and see how they react, albeit its different for every one of them.. its more proof that she was NOT the one for me.

[skynet74]

Well I found out my Ex is going on a date tonight. Doesn't make things any easier. However I am a hell of a lot better today than I would of been a few months back. Geeez, she had sex with another guy already so I can't really be bent out of shape with her just going out on a first date.

 

As I see it...... she is searching for someone to replace me. We were together for 10 years. She is going to compare everyone with me. Her challenge will be when things get rough with someone else, Is she just going to take off and hurt them like she hurt me. If she was capable enough to do it to me, then she can do it to ANYBODY. I wish these guys had a warning first. That's information they might like to know.

 

 

 

John

[d346]

yeah, you can't generalize women and their girlfriends like that.

 

My boyfriend's friends told him to "get rid of her" when he mentioned that I was intereted in marriage. All they're interested in is "freedom" and going out drinking -and clearly weren't giving solid advice

 

I pick and choose what I tell my friends. Because honestly only some can be unbiased. That's the only advice worth taking. Unfortunately people can be easily swayed by biased advice.

[RayKay]

My boyfriend's friends told him to "get rid of her" when he mentioned that I was intereted in marriage. All they're interested in is "freedom" and going out drinking -and clearly weren't giving solid advice

 

Why do some guys do stuff like that? When I was still with my ex, I remember one night we had planned a nice evening for the two of us...and he went out for a quick drink after work. When he went to leave, one guy said "Sheesh, I just got married and am not that whipped!". If they had ever even met me they would know that our relationship was NOT like that at all. But I know it caused him to get a bit mad at me as he felt that he could not have fun with his friends...huh? I mean, yes of course he could, I have never tried to restrict his freedom! When someone is insecure as it, I think comments like that do not help and make them second guess everything.

[OceanEyes]

Hiya John,

 

I've read through most of your posts and really feel for you, you're obviously going through something that not only is causing you a great deal of pain, but that you can't seem to understand the reasons for.

 

I've been following your posts for a couple of days, but wanted to wait until I had enough time to really give you a good, thorough reply. Here is the first quote:

 

Her Mom was never really responsible. She would take off for weekends away or go to bars at night. My girlfriend who is the oldest was basically a parent to her siblings because of that. Taking care of them and doing a lot of the things her Mom should have been doing. She basically took over the mother role. My Ex was the caretaker and was very good at it. However when her and I split she actually said she is sick of taking care of others and not doing for herself. So this actually seems like part of what is now going on. She sees it fit to DO DO DO for herself now instead of for others.

 

Contrast with this one:

 

No matter how hard I try it is not good enough right now. She is not open to it right now.

 

I have a theory about what might have happened with your ex, and to be completely honest, I really don't think it's your fault.

 

Take a look at this post specifically, as I think it is probably the most awakening of all of your words:

 

I have an Anxiety Condition and this break up has put me in major panic mode. She couldn't care less. For 10 years she was always there for me. Not just a girlfriend, but also my ROCK. She would help me through tough times like this and it meant the world to me.

 

In addition to being depressed, your girlfriend probably spent her whole life learning to suppress her negative feelings so she could care for and mother other people. You mention that she was "your rock". To me, this means that she was always there for you unconditionally and basically wiped away your tears at any sign of trouble. She did this instinctively because it's what she learned was the only way to be. She was probably never given the chance to develop a sense of self - and most importantly - to BE HEARD by other people, instead of being the one who listened and cared for others. Also, just to add, did you always make it really clear to her how much you appreciated what she did?

 

My guess is that there were always problems within your relationship, but mistakenly, she kept her issues to herself. Why? Because she probably doesn't even think someone will listen to her, understand, care, love, cherish and most of all - respect her feelings and opinions. And why? Because nobody ever did when she was growing up. She's mean now because she's angry with life in general, and she's mistankenly taking out her anger and resentment on you.

 

Young women who do not have a mother who is a positive role model, and who is not nuturing, sensitive and communicative will grow into women who have a lot of difficulties with anger, resentment, and sometimes, communication. My guess is that your ex just didn't ever feel confident or self-assured enough to actually believe that someone would want to hear or understand her pain.

 

I think what happened with you, is that she simply tired of being someone who takes care of others. She's suppressed her negative feelings for so long that now, unhealthily, she's releasing some of that resentment unfairly on you.

 

I know a lot of men tend to think that they are there for their partners, and they're probably right from their perspectives. What a lot of men don't understand, is that a woman isn't looking for solutions to her problems or for a man to tell her this:

 

Life is to short to stay Angry. When I tell her this it seems to make her even more upset. For some reason she wants to Be Angry at me.

 

Why is she so angry? Because as a man, you naturally want to be 'the hero' and provide solutions to her problems. You can't do this because in her, they're just too deep and need healing. When a woman is angry and upset about something, and has been for many years and you say something like, "get over it", it invalidates all of those painful feelings she has and makes her feel unloved, unappreciated, and completely misunderstood. What she needs is for someone to listen to her and undersand her pain and needs for a change. She wants to be loved and nutured, and she's furious that after all these years, she's starting to realize that's what's been missing.

 

It's really not your fault, or hers. She's just let her anger go for too long and needs to heal it, otherwise all of her future relationships will end up the same way. She has a problem communicating her needs, and though I can understand it, I really feel bad that you've had to be the one to feel it.

 

I think if you really see a future with your ex, or if you truly believe that there is still something there with her, to write her a letter. The most important part must be telling her how you:

 

1. Care about her pain and opinions. Make her feel like you really want to hear what she has to say.

 

2. Understand what she's gone through in her life.

 

3. Respect what she has to say, even if you don't agree - there are ways to disagree that won't invalidate her views.

 

4. Devote some serious unconditional time and love to her. Right now isn't the time for requesting things for yourself if you want her back, even though you may have very reasonable and valid needs.

 

5. Validate her feelings and what she says. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything she says - after you've made some progress that can come later with greater and more loving communication - never tell her "you are wrong for feeling that way" - no matter how you say it.

 

6. Reassure her that you will love and care about her more. Women need constant reassurance in relationships, especially because among men, there is less of a need for this. Such is not the case with women.

 

I really hope that you can find some way to reach your ex, because it sounds pretty obvious to me that you still love this woman. That's worth giving it another shot for.