My bf is still married..

[judy1111]

I've been going out with him for half a year.. He and his wife share 3 kids.. When I met him, he has already attempted to get a divorce with his wife for a woman that he was going to marry after the separation with his wife.. but he and his ex-fiancee did not work out well so the divorce between him and his wife was not finalized.. The initial reason for he and his wife's separation was due to the fact that his wife was not willing to re-locate.. Now his wife has moved here and stays together with him and the kids..

 

He has told me repeatedly that he wants to have a future with me and want to get a divorce..

 

What I can understand from my bf is that they are no longer attracted or in love with each other.. they stay together for kids sake and his wife is financially dependent on him.. and of course, they are close friends now.. She is relunctant to go through the divorce due to fear of losing her rights to the kids and finances.. In public, very little friends know that their marriage is in trouble and most ppl think that they are still happily married..

 

My questions are, should I give him the ultimatum and have him to state the time he needs for the divorce? Or should I just break it and move on? I do love this man a lot..

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you deserve better than a partner who is with someone else.

 

If he wanted to break up with his wife, he would have. She's safe to him.

[doiiiieeezie]

There is always more to the story that he is not telling you.

 

Having said that , I would break it off until he decides to get a divorce. The fact that they are living together and are "close friends" should be two red flags for you. The main red flag and stop sign is that he is still married and making excuses. At the end of the day if they do work things out you will be the one who is left out in the cold. If they don't, well at least you two can restart off with a clean slate and know that you are not the other woman.

[smurfy1988]

true if he wants to be with you he would simply break it off and be with you.

[sweety74]

I agree - give yourself a bit more self worth than this. At the moment he has the safety and happiness of a wife and family at home, with you on the side - he's having his cake and eating it too!!!! If he was serious about you he wouldn't be making excuses as to why he won't leave his wife. Find someone who wants to make themself available to you straight away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So, he had a fiancée before you...again while still married to his wife. So you are #2 (or maybe even #3 or #4) on the list of women he said he wanted to marry even though he was already married! If he truly wanted to get divorced he would...the ending with his last supposed "fiancée would not have stopped him from getting a divorce. I am not buying his stories. He is a married man who is a serial cheater..and like most serial cheaters they never leave the spouse, they just lie to their mistresses that they are planning on getting a divorce or that they can't get a divorce because of the kids or because their wife doesn't want one. Time for you to walk out of this man's life. Guaranteed, after you walk out of his life he will soon find another mistress. Of course people think he is happily married...he has got an image to show to the world...an image different from the slimeball he really is behind closed doors.

[agent1607307371]

What I can understand from my bf is that they are no longer attracted or in love with each other.. they stay together for kids sake and his wife is financially dependent on him.. and of course, they are close friends now.. She is relunctant to go through the divorce due to fear of losing her rights to the kids and finances.. In public, very little friends know that their marriage is in trouble and most ppl think that they are still happily married..

 

Read those bolded bits and pretend a friend of yours has just told you that about her new bf. I think your response to that would be what my response you is. He has no intention of leaving her and you are his bit on the side.

 

Can you call him at home?

Have you met his kids?

Does his wife know about you?

 

Basically, you've been had.

[judy1111]

Thank you for all the advice.. his wife does know about me.. I was suppose to break up with him last night but he couldn't make it to my apartment.. he called me at home and told me that he wants to take me on holiday next month.. Anyway he is coming by tonight, seriously confused if I should tell him about the break up or ultimatum tonight..

[SpottiOtti]

Judy,

 

Don't give him an ultimatum unless you are completely committed to following through with your threat.

 

I have to say that the parts Agent bolded above are pretty standard lines married men give as to why they haven't divorced yet. If he really wanted a divorce in the first place, he would have filed, even after he and the last fiancee (!!!) broke up. The fact that his wife moved closer, is living with him, etc. makes it seem as though she believes they are trying to work things out. How do you know she knows about you?

[sweetpea03]

Thank you for all the advice.. his wife does know about me.. I was suppose to break up with him last night but he couldn't make it to my apartment.. he called me at home and told me that he wants to take me on holiday next month.. Anyway he is coming by tonight, seriously confused if I should tell him about the break up or ultimatum tonight..

 

He's married.. Think of this situation in reverse, you as the wife. You are still the other woman here, even if he wants a divorce. He obviously hasn't divorced his wife yet, and he hasn't done that for a reason. I think you deserve a whole lot better than the situation you have put yourself in. Don't give him an ultimatum, just leave him. The statistics of you and him working out are very low anyways. Save yourself the trouble and walk away now.

[RougeKali823]

He's lying. I have been there and I can tell you that when a man wants something to happen he will make sure it does. My bf was still legally married unbeknowst to me and I learned from her that they were in fact broken up. However, I can tell you that in MOST cases like this the man is lying. This is why I spoke with the woman because she is a victim no matter what he says and he is likely lying given the situation with his last financee. Apparently he is in love with the idea of being in love but very unwilling to commit. Please guard your heart.

[agent1607307371]

Thank you for all the advice.. his wife does know about me.. I was suppose to break up with him last night but he couldn't make it to my apartment.. he called me at home and told me that he wants to take me on holiday next month.. Anyway he is coming by tonight, seriously confused if I should tell him about the break up or ultimatum tonight..

 

Have you met her? Spoken to her?

 

I would break up with him asap. Don't give ultimatums you aren't prepared to follow through on, they just create more situations where you end up backing down and losing face.

[miie]

This guy doesn't sound too right. He and his wife wern't working out so he met someone else and got engaged to them, while still married, but for some reason it fell through. Why didn't he finalise his divorce? Instead he went back to his wife. Then he met you. If he truly wanted a divorce, he would have pushed it. I think you might be waiting a long time. He's trying to have both at the moment. And if his friends still think he and his wife are happily married - not good. Why is he trying to fool them all? Are you sure the wife knows about you?

 

Also, if his wife is financially dependent on him now - do you really see that changing if they divorce? Probably not, she'll get most of his pay check probably. His kid's will come first, then her and then you.

 

Look at it this way, if a friend was telling you this about a guy they were seeing, would it sound all above board!? I think the holiday idea is something to keep you there and stringing you a long.

[arcadefire]

He sounds like a piece. I've read those excuses at least a thousand times on these boards! Check out the infidelity section and you will read the same situations you are in right now. Leave him, find someone who will be yours 100%, not just leftovers.

[judy1111]

I have never spoken to her.. But we have met in social events and she did have some reactions when she saw me.. And my bf was around me and showed affections while she was around (though not sure if she have seen it).. Its true.. If a friend of mine tell me the same thing as what i am sharing here, I will have the same opnions like all of you.. but when feelings is involved, that is the difficult part..

 

Anyway, I also wish to share with all of you that I have been trying to arrange for a meet up with him to talk about the possible future we may have before breaking up.. but he couldn't make it for both nights although he said that he would and then give excuses after excuses.. So I have decided to send him a break up msg on facebook (how lame is that?).. perhaps I should go to the breaking up section and seek advice on how to get over a breakup now..

 

It hurts.. I thought we have something different..

[Cognitive_Canine]

Honestly, he's treated you badly. So, facebook isn't lame.

 

He is avoiding you because he knows you are trying to break up with him. He's very manipulative and controlling.

[abitbroken]

I think that if you meet he is going to try to tell you what you want to hear to make you string along. If you are at a party with a lot of people and he came up and gave you a hug, it still may not have been an indication to his wife that you were together.

 

BTW, a man seldom seperates or divorces his family because the wife is reluctant to move. It sounds more like he moved first for a job or to get established and the rest of the family followed, or followed after the school year or whatever. That's not a "seperation" per se. And he just used her absence as a story backer to tell you that they were seperated=divorcing when in fact they are not. It could be possible there was no other fiance and he told you that to show you he had other women before while he was married.

 

Also, if lets say he does leave her - well- how can you be sure when you are together that he doesn't have a 2nd on the side like he is doing to his wife. He has no moral issues against it.

 

When you think about wanting to be with him like he is some prize, think about the faces of those children, and their mother or father having to tell them that their dad is leaving.

 

I would save additional heartache and cut him off. You can just never respond again to him or you can tell him "were over" and then break off contact. Its your choice.

[russ978]

I have never spoken to her.. But we have met in social events and she did have some reactions when she saw me.. And my bf was around me and showed affections while she was around (though not sure if she have seen it).. Its true.. If a friend of mine tell me the same thing as what i am sharing here, I will have the same opnions like all of you.. but when feelings is involved, that is the difficult part..

 

Define affection....put his arm around you? "Ohh sweetie, she is having a really hard time and has been crying all the time, I'm just trying to cheer her up' OR was he choosing you for the slow dances instead of her?

 

It is likely that he is still married, doesn't plan on EVER leaving his wife. You can use the 'emotions' card and still be in the same sad relationship 2 years from now talking about maybe making the decision then...but you'd be better off doing it now.

 

Ultimatum, time, 'leave her or we're done.'

[judy1111]

Yes, he did treat me badly.. He stopped staying over after 2 months seeing each other.. always rushing off to somewhere..

 

To be honest I have no concrete evidence that his wife knows about me.. Whatever I thought it was was told by him.. but I am pretty certain that he had an ex-fiancee after his wife because I've seen the msges that she sent to him even until now.. and all the photos they have taken together during the that they were together..

 

Well from what i gathered from him, his wife was not a poor and an innocent woman who is being cheated on.. She too cheated on him with his good friend and had a child with that man.. I'm quite certain about this because this child looks quite different from the other 2.. their marriage is already broken way before he met me.. Can such a broken marriage like this be restored?

[russ978]

Not when there is another woman (you) in the picture. And again, everything he told you about his 'horrible wife who doesn't appreciate me and eats babies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner'....was said by him...and he had a vested interest to lie so he could sleep with you. And he is likely talking about the 'other child' which is likely his child...do you really want to be with a man who so readily denies a relationship with his children just to get into the pants of some other woman who readily believes his lies?

 

It isn't your place to judge if the marriage can be fixed and to 'save him'...it is your place to stop meddling in other people's marriages as the other woman just because you 'feel connected' to him. You deserve so much better than that.

[Cognitive_Canine]

He is lying to the woman he vowed to love forever. He could very easily be lying to you.

 

Even if things do work out and he ends up with you, he could very easily just cheat on you with another women. He's done it before, he's doing it now, he can do it again. Ten years from now, you could be his wife and he could be having the conversations he's having with you at a restaurant down town with another woman.

[mellymel]

I am sorry, however I am fairly blunt:

Men who lie (to the g/f) to cheat on their spouses are especially heinous. Woman who fall for this garbage need to grow a back bone and stop allowing themselves to believe the lies.