He is ALWAYS right no matter what

[Oasis_Fan]

I am so upset and frusterated right now.

 

I have been with my boyfriend, the love of my life, now for two and a half years. Every time we have any kind of argument -big or small, he always has to be right in the end. Or else the argument just won't end. I love him so much but it's starting to really bother me. Sometimes I wonder if everything is really my fault and if there is something wrong with me, and I should feel lucky that he even puts up with my bull. But later when the argument is over and I look back on everything, I realize that I was right too, just as much as he was.

 

I do have some issues of my own. I have anxiety problems and I can be really insecure. Sometimes I can be really negative and ridiculous -but I know this and I am trying to change and be a better person so I don't put him through any unecessary drama. But does he ever look at his own flaws? No. Instead he waits for my apology after an argument, even though he can also be clearly wrong. It's like he refuses to see my point of view.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been through this? Is it really my fault? I'm so confused.

[LAYAAN]

I have gone on dates with someone like this guy.

I am not good at handling such personalities in a love relationship. If I can't talk to the guy, if he doesn't "get" my point, if I'm afraid of even expressing my opinions because he might bash them, there is no possibility of feelings of love and romance with that guy for me. I move on.

I call such people "bully". Marriage is about trust, respect, understanding, caring, and at times backing off and asking yourself "what is important in the long run?". If winning every tiny argument is important for someone then they can do that with someone else, not me.

Since you have been with this guy for a long time, I would suggest that you note down your recollection of at least 3 such incidences, recent ones. Sit down and talk to him. I have realized that you have to argue with such people very cautiously or they are ready to turn tables on you before you know it.

[Oasis_Fan]

I have gone on dates with someone like this guy.

I am not good at handling such personalities in a love relationship. If I can't talk to the guy, if he doesn't "get" my point, if I'm afraid of even expressing my opinions because he might bash them, there is no possibility of feelings of love and romance with that guy for me. I move on.

I call such people "bully". Marriage is about trust, respect, understanding, caring, and at times backing off and asking yourself "what is important in the long run?". If winning every tiny argument is important for someone then they can do that with someone else, not me.

 

Yeah it's just really difficult. For instance, today we had an argument and I asked him if he ever punched anyone before? (just making conversation) He said, "I don't know." I said, "What? How do you not know? That is such a lie..." Then I went on and on about how we should never lie to each other, even if you think the other person will be upset, just tell them the truth and let them get over it because it's better then lying.

 

Anyway it was stupid, I know, but we fought about it anyway. Just one of those dumb, pointless fights. Anyways, he yelled at me and I yelled at him about how he never listens, etc.

 

In the end, I admitted that I was yelling and I was sorry for that. Did he? No. (But he did) I was sorry for being a b****, but was he? Oh no. He was 'right' and of course I was wrong. As always.

 

Also, he still says that he don't remember ever getting into a fight. I think that's just weird. But anyway, not the point. That wasn't really the fight. The fight was really about lying and how he is always right and how he never sees my point of view, etc...Sorry for rambling. But yeah, I feel so confused right now.

[LillyLooWho]

Well you have to be careful when you say to someone "you're a liar" because that is a really provocative thing to say. In other words, you provoked him into defending himself and then you got into a fight. If you could learn how to express yourself without accusing him, you would have fewer fights.

 

However, neither of you is always right or always wrong. Life doesn't work that way. Some people have a really hard time apologizing or saying that they were wrong. It sounds like your BF is like that. I don't think you will have any luck changing him though so you will either need to accept this part of him or leave him. If you work on yourself though, not provoking him to get defensive, he might learn, by association, to be less aggressive.

[DN]

I think that if this is typical of your fights then you aren't really standing on solid ground here in making your complaint.

[Oasis_Fan]

Well you have to be careful when you say to someone "you're a liar" because that is a really provocative thing to say. In other words, you provoked him into defending himself and then you got into a fight. If you could learn how to express yourself without accusing him, you would have fewer fights.

 

However, neither of you is always right or always wrong. Life doesn't work that way. Some people have a really hard time apologizing or saying that they were wrong. It sounds like your BF is like that. I don't think you will have any luck changing him though so you will either need to accept this part of him or leave him. If you work on yourself though, not provoking him to get defensive, he might learn, by association, to be less aggressive.

 

Yes I agree with that. That was a bad way for me to express myself and I did provoke him. But I also recall times when I did not provoke him. For example, I could have said, "That doesn't seem right" or "Really? How could you not remember something like that?" And he would still get so defensive and I get so upset over that. But I do admit that I lose my temper easily with this and I have trouble letting things go. But like I said, I am learning and I am trying to be a better person. But the fact that he refuses to see his own faults makes me not want to change and be better at all. It just makes me more frusterated.

 

I can turn every shade of red with the frustration of trying to make him see that he's like this. But no way he will not have it. Why is he so stubborn? It runs in his family but there must be a way to deal with this. This is ridiculous.

[Oasis_Fan]

I think that if this is typical of your fights then you aren't really standing on solid ground here in making your complaint.

 

It was just one of those really lame fights. Seriously, I was being juvenile and so was he. One of those days, you know?

 

But I mean for absolutely every argument that we have. Lame or not lame. He will always be right in the end and I am always the one apologizing for keeping the peace. It makes me think, "Do I need therapy? Am I a basket-case? Is it all my fault?"

 

I may have some anxiety issues, but when I look back, no it's not always my fault. Sometimes. But not always.

[livelarge]

Here's my take on things. Anybody who makes you doubt your sanity, is not good for you, whatever the reasons. I'm not going to argue the point about him always being right or if you were right in that last fight. The fact that you doubt your self is a sign of something very wrong. He's not validating you or your feelings.

[Bismark776]

Have you considered talking to him about this issue? Maybe it'll end the same way but you ought to try. You could say something like, "whenever we argue you always make me feel like I'm always wrong and you're always right. Maybe when we argue it doesn't always have to be about who's right but just about discussing something that bothers us." And then continue from there and see where it goes. At the end of the day if he can't discuss things and work them out amicably but only fights you for his own protection then he's not ready for a serious relationship in my opinion.

[OneEskimO]

For starters you are not crazy!

 

I have a "friend" who acts exactly like this except it's not just with arguments, its on any conversation we ever tried to have. They always had to be right and know it all and I, of course, knew nothing.

 

We are not really "Friends" anymore because of that. I no longer engage in conversations with any point with that person anymore because I know how it will end.

 

You could try talking to your boyfriend but I think you know where that will end up. With you being wrong (even though you're not). In a relationship communication is key. This is not a healthy relationship that you are in and you may want to rethink continuing being in it.

[catfeeder]

[...] I did provoke him. But I also recall times when I did not provoke him. For example, I could have said, "That doesn't seem right" or "Really? How could you not remember something like that?" And he would still get so defensive and I get so upset over that.

 

One reasonable response might be, "Okay, well if you remember something and want to tell me, you can let me know."

 

If someone were to ask me out of the blue if I've ever hit someone over the course of my lifetime, I'd need to think about that. How literal is such a question? I'm sure I probably have--but I don't remember exactly who and when. I think one time involved a Tonka truck and a sandbox. I'm sure there were others... and if not knowing would prompt someone to turn smug and badger me in such an accusatory way, I'd wonder what I'm doing conversing with such an impatient and manipulative and self-entitled person in the first place.

 

If you're going to stoke a fire so irresponsibly, then it makes zero sense to be surprised when it burns you.

 

But I do admit that I lose my temper easily with this and I have trouble letting things go. But like I said, I am learning and I am trying to be a better person. But the fact that he refuses to see his own faults makes me not want to change and be better at all. It just makes me more frusterated.

 

I can turn every shade of red with the frustration of trying to make him see that he's like this. But no way he will not have it. Why is he so stubborn? It runs in his family but there must be a way to deal with this. This is ridiculous.

 

Stop trying to control BF and address your own reasons for provoking him. When you stop doing that, it will likely cut down on the number of incidents that end up accomplishing nothing more than leaving you feeling lousy and out of 'control'. I'd work on adopting self-control, instead. When you can look back over time and see that you've successfully been able to do that, then you can decide whether BF's responses to your new behavior have developed to your liking. Until then, you're operating on assumptions.

 

If you press 'A' a lot and 'B' always pops up--and you hate 'B', then stop pressing 'A'.

[Oasis_Fan]

Here's my take on things. Anybody who makes you doubt your sanity, is not good for you, whatever the reasons. I'm not going to argue the point about him always being right or if you were right in that last fight. The fact that you doubt your self is a sign of something very wrong. He's not validating you or your feelings.

 

Yes he makes me doubt my sanity, absolutely. I do have some issues, and I always admit them and I always say I'm sorry for them. I have some mild OCD and anxiety but I know I have that problem and I try my best to control it. When I know thats the problem, I tell him I'm sorry.

 

But he always throws that in my face. When we are having an argument (which usually starts off by me telling him that he hurt my feelings and I want to talk about it or something. It always turns into an argument because he don't want to hear it) he always says, "are you PMSing? Is it your OCD?" It's like I can never be justified. I'm not 'allowed' to feel these feelings. It's so not fair. I know in the end, when I'm being ridiculous and I apologize. But I'm allowed to have normal feelings too....

[Oasis_Fan]

Have you considered talking to him about this issue? Maybe it'll end the same way but you ought to try. You could say something like, "whenever we argue you always make me feel like I'm always wrong and you're always right. Maybe when we argue it doesn't always have to be about who's right but just about discussing something that bothers us." And then continue from there and see where it goes. At the end of the day if he can't discuss things and work them out amicably but only fights you for his own protection then he's not ready for a serious relationship in my opinion.

 

Yeah, I have tried that already. I told him how I feel and how I always end up apologizing but I don't feel 100% wrong and he never apologizes on his behalf. I told him that he's always right and I feel like I'm always wrong. Actually, he walked in when I was just finished writing this thread. I never hide anything from him so I just let him read it while I was reading it. But he still doesn't get it. Maybe I'm trying to hard to make him get it. Maybe I should leave him alone and wait until he realizes on his own. Although, I don't think he will change. I'm so frusterated. I'm pretty sure this runs in his family....

 

I can't discuss anything that bothers me. Even if I tell him beforehand that I only want to talk, it's like he don't want to hear it and I shouldn't feel that way. It starts an argument right away.

[Oasis_Fan]

For starters you are not crazy!

 

I have a "friend" who acts exactly like this except it's not just with arguments, its on any conversation we ever tried to have. They always had to be right and know it all and I, of course, knew nothing.

 

We are not really "Friends" anymore because of that. I no longer engage in conversations with any point with that person anymore because I know how it will end.

 

You could try talking to your boyfriend but I think you know where that will end up. With you being wrong (even though you're not). In a relationship communication is key. This is not a healthy relationship that you are in and you may want to rethink continuing being in it.

 

I know, he's just so stubborn! It's hard to get my head around how someone could act this way. Sometimes I just can't believe how he is acting and I can't believe how he managed to turn something around and make it all my fault. Really, it's an art. *rolls eyes*

 

I need to stop forcing him to try and see how stubborn he's being. It's not working and I am exhausting myself. I guess I should just hope for the best and hopefully he will see it on his own.

 

I actually just sent him a text saying "im sorry im such a b**** please forgive me." I feel so wrong all the time. I just want to say I'm sorry just to end the argument. I do mean it to some degree, but he wasn't so great either but I will never hear that apology.

[Oasis_Fan]

Well actually, I asked him if he ever punched anyone in the face before and if he ever got into a real fight. Not in his childhood, like a real fight. But he said, "I don't know." I just hate when he answers like that when it's so obviously a lie. But I know, it's ridiculous and I've let it go and apologized already. Everyone says/asks stupid childish things sometimes.

 

I agree with that. Actually, I was thinking about that this morning. I'm going to try and stop asking stupid questions and over-reacting and see how it goes. Maybe that will give him a chance to see how stubborn he can be. Plus, it will help me work on myself too, if I can relax more and be more laid back -I can really see what a easy going person I can be. Great advice, I thought about this earlier.

[blemished]

Oasis- do you realize you have done the exact same thing over the course of this thread that you stated was a problem in the beginning of the thread? (by now the "problem" and "fault" has become yours strictly, in your words)

 

Do you realize that a loving partner should be AS concerned, if not more concerned, for your happiness and emotional well-being as are you? This means that if you have an issue to work on, your partner should be understanding and supportive, not accusatory.

 

Do you realize that when someone loves you, they accept you for who you are? In other words, if your partner truly loves you, he loves the WHOLE you- not just the version without your anxiety or OCD. He accepts these things as being part of you, and is willing to support you as you work on the things about you that you CHOOSE to work on. (Unless you lied and told him in the beginning that the anxiety & OCD were non-issues.)

 

Lastly, the key to a good relationship comes down to communication- and communication calls for good listening. It does not sound like this guy listens to you at all. It sounds likely that he will not listen to you without a separation period or couples counseling. Good luck. And remember you ARE worth happiness and someone who wants to listen to you and is mature enough and secure enough to admit "being wrong" sometimes.

[PhilliesFan001]

That isn't right. Have you tried couples counseling?

[Oasis_Fan]

I know. I'm kind of torn here because I have these anxiety problems and sometimes I can't tell if I'm acting ridiculous or not until after we have an argument or something. But since, we haven't been arguing at all because I just give up right away.

 

Sometimes I look back at an argument and I can't believe how stupid I was acting, etc because of my obsessive thoughts and my panic attacks. But now I just don't know if I'm acting normal or not so I'm backing down. I kinda wish I had a third person to watch us and tell me what's going on haha. I also have depersonalization/detachment so I don't always know what's going on. I feel like such a loser....My issues make me feel like I'm always wrong even if I'm not.

 

We've never had couples counselling but I am trying to get to the doctor to get something for anxiety.