Remembering that being alone is preferable to being in a demoralizing relationship.

[waveseer]

I cannot stress enough how important it is to remember (for those to whom this applies) that being in a demoralizing relationship is so disturbing, disruptive, and detrimental to us that being alone is preferable by a really wide margin. Whenever I get wistful for the good parts I really need to remember how devastated I felt not only after the relationship ended, but also leading up to it's demise. This was much, much easier done in the early months directly following the breakup and I find it much more difficult the longer it's been. This is for anyone who needs to remember or discuss the reality of their former situation.

[Edmund Exley]

Are you speaking of relationships in general, or ones that have failed?

[waveseer]

Are you speaking of relationships in general, or ones that have failed?

 

I originally intended this to be for ended relationships, but now that you mention it I believe it would apply to a current relationship just as well. I sure wish I had reached out for support before some of the latter damage was done.

[turnera]

Amen. Me, too.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hi Waveseer,

 

I am having exactly the same problem as you right now. The longer its going on the harder it seems to be getting and I just can't understand why. But yes, it is harder to remember the longer it has been.

[waveseer]

Amen. Me, too.

 

Hi Waveseer,

 

I am having exactly the same problem as you right now. The longer its going on the harder it seems to be getting and I just can't understand why. But yes, it is harder to remember the longer it has been.

 

This seems like a fairly common phenomenon, even when I do remember I can't help but thinking time would make things better the next time. I say the next time because I have already tried again with the same result! Either I am a glutton for punishment or I am loony or both! lol

[ksh1255]

I reached out for support through this forum months before my marriage ended. I received really great advice, in fact some said no matter what I did nothing was going to work, because my wife had some really deep issues. They were right all along. Along the path I have became this person that I don't even recognize....slowly I am trying to rebuild myself from the pieces left shattered over the last 6 months of our marriage, and the betraying ending to it. Best wishes to all of you going through this.

[waveseer]

I reached out for support through this forum months before my marriage ended. I received really great advice, in fact some said no matter what I did nothing was going to work, because my wife had some really deep issues. They were right all along. Along the path I have became this person that I don't even recognize....slowly I am trying to rebuild myself from the pieces left shattered over the last 6 months of our marriage, and the betraying ending to it. Best wishes to all of you going through this.

 

Thank you, and be patient with yourself. I've been healing for a long time, half of it with the help of ena. I feel the ability to laugh at myself returning and I'm hoping that these stray thoughts are simply that. I am feeling mostly put back together these days.

[itsallgrand]

Do you know my last ex never once, in all those years, celebrated Christmas with me. I never got a present for Christmas from him, but worse to me, he wasn't there and told me it was bc it wasn't important to him. Xmas. It didn't matter that he knew how important it was to me. And that really hurt. Year after year, it was the same. I found a way to stuff those feelings. Oh, I remember well!

 

Of all the crap he threw at me over the years, that still sticks in my mind fiercely. It's a mini parcel of what he offered me. Love you, when it's good for me. Not there, when something else is more important to me than what is important to you. In short, he didn't cherish me. It really is that simple. The actions told the tale.

 

Would I ever put up with that again. Hell no. Not for all the warm embraces on winter mornings in the world. There is a hollowness, and it clouds the mind to possibilities - it is too easy to get used to something as normal, when in fact, it doesn't make you happy, it just gives you what you need some of the time, and the rest of the time...I felt wanting and wrong.

 

I was so mad all the time. I treated myself the way he treated me. Now that my own vision of my self has changed, I see these things differently. And I can give more too. I feel secure, and safe, and warm, more often than not. Things don't shake me like they used to.

 

When I get brutally honest, I put up with it bc I didn't want him to ask more of me either. Well, you get what you give and what you will accept.

 

But I do remember well. Other people treating me well these days sure as hell helps too. What a friggin contrast.

[waveseer]

It does help to remember specific ways in which we were mistreated. I agree that we put up with it while hanging on to the good moments. Maybe the memory problem is just a continuation of the mental twisting I did during the relationship every time I accepted unacceptable behavior. It simply became a habit.

[pumpkinmoon]

How long has it been for you Waveseer? It's been two months for me and as it's getting worse, I can't seem to see a way out at the moment.

 

That all make a lot of sense Itsallgrand! It was the same for me. I put up with basically complete nothingness from him, just hoping that things would change or get better.

[pumpkinmoon]

It does help to remember specific ways in which we were mistreated. I agree that we put up with it while hanging on to the good moments. Maybe the memory problem is just a continuation of the mental twisting I did during the relationship every time I accepted unacceptable behavior. It simply became a habit.

 

Same here too. The more bad treatment I recieved, the more normal it seemed. Then everytime something else happened I just rationalised it and in a way it became easier to deal with. But over time it really took its toll and chipped away at me until I was just a wreck full of anxiety and sadness.

[journeynow]

being in a demoralizing relationship is so disturbing, disruptive, and detrimental to us that being alone is preferable by a really wide margin.

 

Agreed. I might not define the alternative as "being alone", at least not at this stage (for me) because I feel connected to so many more people and have a growing understanding and appreciation of myself. It doesn't feel as alone as during the initial break, and it feels like a bigger experience without the relationship.

Whenever I get wistful for the good parts I really need to remember how devastated I felt not only after the relationship ended, but also leading up to it's demise. This was much, much easier done in the early months directly following the breakup and I find it much more difficult the longer it's been.

My experience is a bit different, perhaps because we have remained friends and have intermittent contact. When I'm alone I might slip into missing the good things, or what we might have been, or remembering the painful parts leading to the split, and I find it all painful. When we're in contact, or meet in person, it helps me stay in the present and be aware of "what is" and how each of us is now, and that feels pretty ok.

[waveseer]

How long has it been for you Waveseer? It's been two months for me and as it's getting worse, I can't seem to see a way out at the moment.

 

It's been a few years for me, but bear in mind I've been healing from more than one relationship (including childhood abuse) and I've discovered and overcome quite a few personal conditions along the way. I'm now feeling that most of the time I'm mostly recovered, so hang in there, I promise it gets better.

[pumpkinmoon]

It's been a few years for me, but bear in mind I've been healing from more than one relationship (including childhood abuse) and I've discovered and overcome quite a few personal conditions along the way. I'm now feeling that most of the time I'm mostly recovered, so hang in there, I promise it gets better.

 

It seems like you have come a really long way and you should be proud of that

[EFromm33]

You're so right about this, waveseer, and it's good to remind ourselves of it sometimes. I still miss him a lot sometimes (after 3 months) but then I try to remind myself of how miserable I was and how miserable he still is. I've noticed I'm a lot healthier since the end of the relationship - I used to get frequent terrible headaches and had really bad insomina, but it's all gone now.

 

There is a hollowness, and it clouds the mind to possibilities - it is too easy to get used to something as normal, when in fact, it doesn't make you happy, it just gives you what you need some of the time, and the rest of the time...I felt wanting and wrong.

QUOTE]

 

This is very nicely put - it perfectly describes the way things were for me, too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you. I see so many people in bad relationships and they just suck it up and waste their life.

[bwhite00]

Just like alcoholics romanticize their drinking days, people who are now out of co-dependent relationships fantasize about the good times in a bad relationship while failing to look clearly at the big picture.

 

I'm guilty of it too. I used to lay at home two months post break-up thinking of all the good times. What I did to overcome this was write down the negative aspects of my ex girlfriend every day. And I'd add to that list every day - and as the healing characteristics of NC came into effect, coupled with me concentrating solely on the bad aspects of my ex, I slowly began to feel like things turned out exactly like they needed to for me to be happy.

[SurfThyme]

Waveseer, I remember 2 years ago we were feeling the same - having spent a lifetime almost with men who didn't deserve either of us. You called us the "queens of denial." I've been able to move on since then, although it was never easy.

 

I never regretted leaving my xH but it took a long time to stop blaming myself for having stayed in that abusive R for so long. I also had to deal with a lot of trauma from my childhood after the divorce which added more stress and complicated my healing.

 

What helped me the most was not to fantasize about how great my life had been or think of the good memories as you seem to be doing. Hell, if I am honest with myself, there were no good memories from my marriage. Everything about my marriage had been a lie and deceitful. That's what I got for having married a narcissist. Try to forget the past and look to your future. There is no way that your life has come to a stop because of your previous Rs.

 

Keep strong - you will get over it - you will never forget, ever - but it won't hinder your future anymore.

[lvsthebeach]

isallgrand....thank you for writing that. I was just thinking today about all the things he didn't do. For instance, for our 10 year anniversary, I got nothing. Not a card, nothing. I bought him a card and 3 CD's that he wanted. We agreed not to do a lot b/c of financial reasons but damn, not even a card? It wasn't important to him. Holidays were never important. I had to alway write down specifically what I want and where he should go to get it! He got what he gave, nothing. And I just gave up as well. Not anymore, not going through that again. This site has helped me so!

[Hell_On_Heels]

Great thread.

 

I'm another one with the holiday complaint. Oh, our first Christmas was awesome. He proposed that day, we cooked together and snuggled a lot, it snowed and we waltzed in it, took a stroll to see the Christmas lights - perfect!

 

The next holidays, after the wedding, were a drag. I felt like he did everything he could to ruin them for me. Sadly, he ruined them for his teenaged son, too.

 

He wouldn't or couldn't be supportive of anything I accomplished. He wouldn't compliment me to save his soul. Mostly, he reserved the best parts of him for everyone but me (and his son).

 

I forgot everything bad and painful as soon as he asked for a divorce. I don't know how long it will take for me to deal with that - it scares me, and I guess is partly why I wonder if I AM mentally ill at times. (I'm getting the clearer picture on that, though, thanks to you guys here.)

 

I prefer to remember the bad. When I am triggered by something and wishing we were still happily together, I remember the horrible things he did, and I am able to push thoughts of him aside. My youngest son is also helping with that. My youngest stayed with us for 3 months last summer, and is the only family member who really knows the ex to any degree. Anyway, he reminds me of things, and soemtimes gets mad on my behalf out of nowhere. It looks like I'm not the only one healing up from this.

[lvsthebeach]

HOH, yea the compliment thing happened in my marriage as well. I cannot recall a time where he told me that I was beautiful or that I looked pretty. I would ask him if he liked what I was wearing or did I look nice and his answer would be you always look nice. But he would never come out and say it. There is something really wrong about that.

I have to make myself remember the things that hurt me and not the things that were good. The hurtful things are the reason for the divorce and those are huge. 1 year ago is when "she" came into our lives. Of course, I did not know this at the time. That is what I need to remember.

[turnera]

My H tried the 'I don't do compulsory gifts like birthdays and Christmas' on me the first year we were married. He didn't give me a gift on my birthday in June, cos he just wanted to give me gifts when he 'felt' like it, not when he had to. So when his birthday rolled around in December, I ignored it. Boy was he pissed! I just shrugged and said 'you don't believe in gift giving, so I assumed that meant you didn't want one, either.'

 

He almost never missed a birthday after that.

[Hell_On_Heels]

LOL, turnera.

 

I was thinking about this today, and tearing up a bit over it. He has told everyone that I am bipolar. He didn't tell me this until 2 months after the breakup. He had told me he thought I had hormone problems while we were married, but since I had this checked twice in a year and the answer was no, I guess he latched on to something else.

 

But here's the kicker ~ he has convinced himself I am mentally ill. His solution was to leave me. He did not try to take me to a doctor. He did not offer to be my support and friend through it. He just left, and then told me 2 months afterwards that this was one of his reasons.

 

What if I'd had cancer? What if I'd been in a car wreck and lost a leg? He'd have left me then, too...and that hurts so much. It also sets me free. I hold those vows to be sacred. He doesn't even remember them (he said that a lot while we were married).

 

If nothing else, the fact that he's the kind of man who would leave me when he thinks I am sick is enough to make me want to throw up. I don't even want to talk to him, ever.

[justbrowsing]

For me, we first started seeing each other around the time of my birthday and since we really didn't know each other, I had said it wasn't a big deal. The next 2 years after, he never acknowledged it because of what I said originally. NEVER rec'd a greeting.

 

It's hard changing a thought process. I buried it thinking it wasn't a big deal. But it really is. It hurt me (and still does) so much. It's your one and only special day of the year. Mine is coming up this November and I'm going to enjoy it without holding my breath because I know all the people who really matter will greet me.