Doing the Right Thing?

[boswelc]

I just do not understand. She called this past Sunday and again on Tuesday without leaving a message. Then she called late last night which awakened me from a deep sleep and without realizing it was her I picked up. We had a nice conversation which lasted about 15 minutes. She tells me she got promoted to office manager making 84K a year, which btw she is a medical assistant with an income of ~32K. Yes, she inquired about the office manager position a couple years ago within her same company, but she was not qualified. I also find it intriguing that the salary she stated had to be more than mine by ~2K because she knows what I make. Nevertheless, I said that is awesome. She then stated she was joking about the whole promotion thing of course. I think she just wanted to see my response (jealousy, anger, envy). I gave her nothing but indifference. She asked what I have been up to, and I said I have been pretty busy with work and other things. Wow - she really wanted to know more about being busy about other things. She proceeded to ask if I was seeing someone. I responded with "no, not currently, why?" She just said never mind. I ended the conversation with I need to get some sleep and take care. I just wanted to share this with ya all because once you really do start moving on with your life you definitely come accross as indifferent because it is not fake or forced. All those e-books say thirty days is the magic number to focus on yourself, get your life in balance, and remove the power the dumper has over you. That is BS and I can attest to that. It has taken me almost six months to reach the point I am now. Any thoughts and feedback is more than welcomed. It is always interesting to receive others' perspective.

[Ms Darcy]

Same feedback as Bishop and DN. You are wasting your time with this one.

[boswelc]

I should have listened to all the advice from you all. She contacted me Monday night during the football game and we chatted for a bit. Then she text me in a very flirtatious manner and asked if I wanted to get together for coffee. I responded sure and I will let you know later in the week to agree on a time and place. So I text her Thursday evening. Her response, "I am over you!!!! I've moved on!! Don't ever call me, text me, or contact me ever again." My response, "Great. What the hell is your issue? One minute you are friendly asking me to get together for coffee then you are calling me at work basically lashing out at me to this. Quite frankly, I don't give a damn anymore. You need professional help. Figure out what you want, just don't drag me along with you. Goodbye." Her response, "you are an a**hole."

 

I just couldn't believe it. That was the final straw for me. She is crazy. I have been moving on with my life for the past few months, talking to a few different women, and even have a date planned for next week, so this latest episode isn't that difficult to handle.

 

My advice to those of you out there who are going through a similar situation. Run as fast as you can because if you don't be prepared for one hell of a roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. Her erratic behavior has definitely pushed me away, but I can thank her for that because she did me a favor.

[Oneironaut]

Honestly, she sounds bipolar or borderline. Sane, rational people just don't do that kind of garbage.

 

I don't normally make proclamations on these forums, because I think every situation is different and we only get half the story, but this woman is just plain trouble, and it will most likely not get any better. I hope you stay away from her, for YOUR sake. :sad:

[boswelc]

Yeah, I need to stay away from her. Crazy though, so I ran into her this afternoon from a fair distance in the grocery store parking lot. She was walking out with her mother as I was driving by to park. It is a small town. Not sure if she saw me; doesn't matter. Obviously, I did not make a point to say hello. I feel somewhat relieved because she looks absolutely horrible. She has put on a lot a weight (my guess probably fifty pounds) from the last time I saw her almost five months ago. I barely recognized her, but it was her. A huge part of me feels very sad for her because I never want to see another person, especially a woman you loved and spent over five years of your life with just let themselves go for both health reasons and self-confidence. Ultimately, her appearance probably explains a significance portion of erratic behavior and her reluctance to meet up. From my perspective she is very unhappy with herself and life. It is very unfortunate, but it is not my problem any longer. I just thought I would share.

[Ms Darcy]

Obviously, I did not make a point to say hello. I feel somewhat relieved because she looks absolutely horrible. She has put on a lot a weight (my guess probably fifty pounds) from the last time I saw her almost five months ago. I barely recognized her, but it was her.

 

I think you have a good point here. That might explain a lot of her erratic behavior. Are you wanting to get back with her?

[boswelc]

No, I have no interest in getting back with her. She has always come accross in the past few months like everything was just wonderful in her life without me. Apparently, that is not true, and I obviously knew better. Despite the pain she has caused, I really do feel bad for her because we used to jog together, eat healthy, hike, and even backpack. It is sad. When you truly love someone you desire to see them grow, move forward, and build a happier life even if it means without you. Sure, I was relieved at first as some of the anger, bitterness, and resentment took over, but I have always found it difficult to allow others' misfortunes, shortcomings, and even unhappiness to consume me. I really do wish her the best as she tries to find her own identity and happiness. In all honestly, this whole thing has been a blessing because her identity was me for the duration of our relationship. I feel as though she never really knew herself and I believe the struggle continues. I will keep her in my prayers.

[boswelc]

It has been a while since I last updated this thread, but I have an update. We had a a very lengthy conversation ~2hours back in mid-December. I sent her a couple funny texts a week later and one on Christmas Eve wishing her and her family a very Merry Christmas. Never received a response to any of them. The other day she called me to say hello. The conversation only lasted about six minutes with me ending the discussion. Unfortunately, her inability to discuss anything of importance prompted some repressed feelings. I wrote a text message basically saying I am tired of the childish and immature behavior, and I not her friend and a man who is available when she is feeling lonely and bored. I wrote she should not contact me again unless she has something significant to say. I actually never intended to send the text, but it was just a way for me to capture my feelings. A couple nights later I was reading the text and inadvertently sent it. Wow - she responded by saying get over yourself. Sorry for calling to say hello. God forbid. I did not respond. Then last night she actually sent me this long winded text message basically conveying she wants to get close to me again, but reminds herself of some of the ugliness in the relationship and is afraid of going down that path again. She brought up a lot about the past and how things could be different. In all honestly, I think she was being sincere and real for the first time in several months. Maybe she was trying to expose her feelings. Her words explain her behavior and perhaps the constant pushing and pulling away. I believe she is confused, scared, and trying to sort out her emotions. Not sure if I should continue to ignore her or attempt to reach out. She apparently wants to talk about our struggles of the past relationship. What to do?

[DN]

Talk to her. Once. See if things can be resolved but if not then stay away.

[boswelc]

I agree with you. If things cannot be resolved, it is time to move on. The ball is in her court. I will give her a call probably later today. At this point I really do not have any expectations.

[boswelc]

I called last weekend and left her a voice message. I basically told her that I understand she is scared and reluctant to get into a relationship again. I suggested we get together in the next few weeks to get some of the issues out on the table. I said that I am open to the idea of starting over very very slowly by getting to know eachother again and having fun and I do not want to jump back into a full fledged relationship right away. I wished her well and said I will talk to you soon.

 

I didn't want to place too much pressure on her by making any demands or giving ultimatums. So, it is up to her. Haven't heard anything from her thus far. It is my guess she is still trying to process everything. It is her move to make, and I am really trying not to have any expectations and am prepared for any unfavorable response.

[boswelc]

One more thing. It is her 31st birthday next Thursday. If I don't hear from her by then, I am not sure if I should send her a card or a text wishing her a happy birthday?

[boswelc]

I just wanted to post an update and reflect on my experiences of the past year since the breakup occurred. So, I did send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. She responded with a thank you. She called me a couple days later then again on Valentine’s Day. These conversations included a lot of discussions about what happened and the reasons for the breakup. I attentively listened and also expressed some of my concerns. She said, when she talks to her Mom, she tells her Mom we could of had something beautiful because we are both smart, successful, and have a lot of the same goals and interests in life. I responded, “we still can, but it is going take some hard work on both our parts.” I was planning to take my dog for a short hike in a couple weekends and invited her along. She agreed.

 

After the conversations we continued to exchange texts which consisted of some serious, flirtatious, and humorous dialogue over the course of the next several days. It was starting to look promising. Was it too good to be true? So as our planned outdoor hiking date neared, I texted her asking what time she would like to meet up. She tells me sorry, it is not going to happen she will be looking at houses that weekend (She told me earlier she was approved for a loan), and will be getting together were her father whom she hadn’t seen or talked to in years. I told her that it’s not a big deal, and I understand you have a lot of things going on right now.

 

So, fast forward a couple days to March 1st. She called late in the afternoon to say hello, but I missed her call. I sent her a text later that night, telling her I saw that you called and I hope you are having a good week thus far. Goodnight Shelley (I always joked around with her by spelling her name Shelley instead Shelly). A couple minutes later I received a response, “FYI. Her name is spelled Shelly. There is no E retard. Leave her alone. About to file a police report, seriously.”

 

Now you can imagine I didn’t sleep very well that night. I was completely stunned and perplexed why this was sent and why she would refer to herself in the third person. Did she send the text, or was her sister behind it? Her sister is a very vindictive, cold-hearted, selfish girl and has a history of meddling in our affairs. I sent my ex a copy of the text I received the following day asking for an explanation. I never received a response to this day, and I am certain I did nothing to warrant filing a police report.

 

Obviously, it was time for me to completely move on with my life and have been in NC ever since. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The things I have learned throughout this entire process:

 

1.) If your ex is confused about their feelings and emotions, which is often the case after a breakup, let them be. You cannot resolve their insecurities and/or doubts. Only they can.

2.) The sooner you cut off all contact with them the better. Focus on yourself.

3.) If contact is reestablished, be very weary of their intentions. Do not get too excited, remain calm, cool, and collect. Let them chase you.

4.) Nonchalance is really your friend.

5.) Do not be their security blanket.

6.) Do not rely on your emotions, but let your common sense take control. This is difficult to do at times.

7.) Try to identify patterns of behavior objectively (For instance in my case, come here, now go away).

8.) I you are trying to reconcile with an angry and emotionally unstable ex, please run away as fast you can. The roller coaster ride is hell.

 

Ultimately, the entire experience has been a painful one. Nonetheless, it certainly fostered personal growth and gave me a better understanding of relationships and the kind of woman I am looking for.

 

Wish you all the best!

[Slimpee]

Wow bos...quite the story!

 

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good plan. My guess is that in a matter of months or years you will look back on this time as a time of tremendous growth in your life.

 

Good luck, my friend!

[boswelc]

So, I received the news that a lot of us dread hearing. Apparently, my ex is engaged to a guy she has only been dating for a few months. At first my heart sank, but then I realized she must be pretty desperate to get married. I am not sure how well you really know someone after a such a short period of time. Anyhow, I was still holding onto to a glimmer of hope we could possibly reconsile, but I think this is the complete closure I needed. It's unfortunate because I do not believe she has dealt with any of her issues, lack of communication, immaturity, and anger. Case in point, she called me up in mid-September and went on one of her usual rants, attacking me and saying all kinds of hurtful things. I just listened. It was honestly quite ammusing. She once again made a complete a** of herself. She reiterated several times how happy she was. Of course when someone has to make a pointed effort to reiterate several times they are happy, chances are they probably are not. Not my problem any longer. It definitely feels good to wash my hands clean of her. I will attest you do not get over someone overnight, it is a process and it takes times, and when you finally reach that point you are at peace. This chapter in my life is closed. Good luck to all of you who are still grieving. It does get easier. In time your ex will only be a distant memory.

[winniethepooh]

Thanks for updating. I find it useful to read some of these stories that pop up from beginning to end.

 

I will attest you do not get over someone overnight, it is a process and it takes times, and when you finally reach that point you are at peace. This chapter in my life is closed. Good luck to all of you who are still grieving. It does get easier. In time your ex will only be a distant memory.

Yes, even when you know you're doing the right thing, and you know that you're better off without someone, the feelings and belief that that's true can take a while to catch up to that knowledge eh

 

Good luck with the next chapters in your life