One Last Cry - SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

“It can’t be over” you keep telling yourself over and over trying to convince your heart that the person you shared so many years with is gone. It’s amazing how fast the human heart can not only be broken but shattered into a million little pieces. The day was like every other day but something….something was just different in their tone. Why did they pick today? Do they not understand how much I have tried to make this work? I know the last couple of months have been difficult but I have done what I could to try and make them happy. I made sacrifices for them I wouldn’t ordinarily do for anyone, let alone someone I loved. If they only gave me a little more time, I know I could convince them to stay.

 

 

So it begins…

 

 

No matter who you are… your race, beliefs or nationality, we share one very common bond and that is love. We all want to be loved, valued and respected. My question to you is at what price are we willing to give up the core of who we are in order to be loved? In my personal experience, I used to put my personal needs aside in order to fulfill someone else’s needs. I use to believe that putting my own selfish needs on the backburner was the ultimate sacrifice in showing the one that mattered most to me how much I did love them. I took great efforts to go out of my way in order to please my partner. I am not referring to gift giving or random act of kindness. I am referring to being at their beckon call. For those that don’t know me, I am a pleaser by nature and it makes me feel really good when I see others happy, especially if I was able to contribute. I don; know why I am the way I am but it’s true.

 

 

 

Some would say this ability is a gift, depending on the situation it can be or it can be a curse. It really depends on how it is used. I am here to share with you my experiences with past breakups in order to help you understand my way of thinking and how I was able to deal with all the different feelings I had during the breakup, soon after, long after and today. My life experiences are no different than your own. I am not a therapist. I am a single guy that writes in order to pass my knowledge, thoughts and opinions to you in hopes of making you, the reader, happy if not happier in your current situation. Everyone’s situation is different. No one can tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. What they can do is offer heart-felt advice based on what they would possibly do while putting themselves in your shoes. For those who have been inspired by my writings, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate everyone’s opinions as well as feedback. You are appreciated and I hope this post can inspire you to not only help yourself, but pass what you’ve learned to others in need.

 

 

Let’s begin…

 

 

When someone leaves you, your heart is hollow. The emptiness in your chest “hurts”. When I use the word hurt I am not referring to physical pain. Emotional pain can be quite devastating if you let it consume you. Everyone takes the time to grieve and lick their wounds so to speak. No matter how much you talk about your situation, only time will allow you to heal. The key is to use your time wisely. So many people have asked me advice over the years. I have said over and over again that no matter what your situation is or how long you were together, if the other person doesn’t want you, they plain and simple do not want to be a part of your life anymore. Let that thought sink in a moment. I know it’s hard to accept. I never said the truth would be easy. I choose to be a realist rather than fill your head with false hopes that your ex will magically return to you. This has been true to many loving couples but until this happens, I will choose to base my advice on what you should do for YOU and not what you should do for your ex.

 

 

 

You are all you’ve got. You were single BEFORE you met your ex. To be brutally honest, you can leave thoughts of “we were perfect for each other” at the door. I have no doubt that in your season(s) (Time together) you WERE perfect. What I never understood years ago, is that seasons change. Let me explain a little bit more clearly. We know each year we have four seasons: winter, spring, summer and fall. A season is a season right? Not necessarily. To go a little deeper…was last year’s spring exactly like this past spring? No. Though it was the same season, the season itself changed…maybe slightly but it was not the same. People can be the same way. The time you had together may have been some of the best years of your life but you can ONLY say that looking back and comparing it to your present. No one knows the future. We can hope for the best and our lives are what WE make it. For example: If we choose to stay broken by a breakup and wallow in self-pity, you will stay there. Your hopes that were always in your heart are now all but forgotten because your ex walked out on you. I know what it’s like to lose your pride, your self-worth and personal self-esteem. I’ve been there. If you re-read the following sentence, you will notice a little word that says “lose”. Let’s look at the definition of the word lose for a moment:

 

Lose: to miss from one's possession or from a customary or supposed place

to suffer deprivation of part with especially in an unforeseen or accidental manner

to suffer loss through the death or removal of or final separation from (a person) b to fail to keep control of or allegiance of

 

 

THIS is the very thing YOU have the power to change. No matter where you are or who you are, you have the ability to not stay lost. You can find not only what it was you lost, but gain back the power, the knowledge and the ability to be better than you were before. How do you do it? Simple, you take back the power you gave your ex. When my breakup occurred many years ago, my thoughts and feeling were consumed with thoughts of my ex. I had millions of unanswered questions I wanted answers to. I was hurt, broken, resentful and downright sad. I loved her and if I was unable to show her how much I did love her, then she would STOP loving me. (or so I thought) The truth was, she fell out of love with me months ago. I just didn’t want to accept the truth. Time or experience didn’t matter. The cold truth was she just wasn’t in love with me anymore. Talk about a reality check. I choose to look at what I call the “root”. The definition plain and simple is the core of the issue. THIS IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THING TO FACE after a breakup. To put all the feelings, emotions and questions aside for a moment can be overwhelming at first, but you have to look at your root in order to come to terms with your break.

 

 

The time you have after a break is yours; not your ex’s. Our thoughts can be consumed on ways of getting them back but your focus is in the wrong place. You need to first get YOU back. Common sense says that if they walked away from you and you try to follow, it makes you look:

1. Needy

2. Desperate

3. Crazy

 

 

How are the following words positive? They all have a negative connotation. Who wants to feel more negative than they already are? Why beat yourself up when someone possibly just gave you the beating of your life emotionally? You have to come to terms with your current reality. If someone just left you, then you are now single. You have to face facts that you do not control what your ex is doing, thinking, or feeling. The way I have often put it, you can’t make someone love you but you SURE can do something to make them LOVE YOU LESS or NOT AT ALL. A good analogy is “The harder you try to hold onto something, the more you will either break it, injure it or allow it to slip right through your fingers.” Why hold onto something that just let you go? I know the heart wants what it can’t have. I know it took your years to find someone that loved you the way they did. I know it hurts but you have to face facts. If they just left you, you have to find YOU again in the present. You are not worthless. You are NOT a piece of trash. You may FEEL that way but the truth is, they just couldn’t love you enough to stay.

 

 

 

Stand on your own two feet. Straighten your backbone and tell yourself you will not be lost for long. I say grieve. We should all grieve over things we’ve lost that were personal to us but the key in grieving is to not STAY. Allow yourself the time to sort through your feelings and try to pick up the pieces that was once your heart. It takes time so don’t rush it. The more you tell yourself “how much longer am I going to feel this way” will only draw it out much longer. Why? Because you are giving a conscious thought over TRYING to feel better. For example: When you are having a long day at work, the more you want to go home, the slower the time goes by. Make sense? Stay busy and put forth a good effort to find who you were. If you need to get out of the house, find things that will occupy your mind. Do whatever it takes to learn from your experience. No one says it’s easy but with any talent, you must first practice in order to get better. Years ago, I allowed thoughts of my ex to occupy the little space in my head but in all reality, she didn’t deserve it. Why would I think about someone that in all reality wasn’t thinking of me…or maybe NOT in the same way? Ex’s are not our enemies. They are people just like you and I. If they found someone else to replace you…so be it. There is no one else just like you on the planet. You are unique in your own right. You love, feel and do things just as others do but no one loves, thinks and does things just like you. No matter how you are feeling right now, you will feel better. It’s up to you and how you choose to use your time in order to feel better.

 

 

 

If Mr. or Ms. Right just slipped out the door, let them walk. You can’t control them. You can only control you. Sure it hurts but you can get through this. Do not allow yourself to be broken long. To feel sorry for yourself is normal for a short while but realize tomorrow is a new day. Make the best of the short time you have on this earth. Are you seriously going to allow someone to rock your boat that you can’t continue your life journey? Are you kidding me? Throw them off your boat and sail on. You can do anything you want because you are you. Don’t let anyone make you feel unloved. Have enough self love and confidence that you can suffice with or without your ex. The best revenge anyone can have is to live, love and experience your life to the fullest. Take advantage of all the magical and positive things the world has to offer. If you need to, grab that favorite CD, sing like there’s no tomorrow. Make sure you play that air guitar better than Jimi Hendrix ever could.

 

 

 

Warning: Be careful. When you find YOU again…you might just be sexier, smarter and more confident that you have ever been. I will not only pray for you and your happiness. I pray that someone out there who may be currently broken find someone just like you to live and love.

 

 

 

Someone once told me that though we may be a thousand miles away…our love has no distance.

 

Lift your head up and stand tall my friend. Someone loves you. Someone will always love you. You are not alone. I am here with you 100% of the way.

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[tryintosurvive]

Thank you for posting that. Very inspiring!

[bwhite00]

This article is absolutely awesome. I had been in NC for 4 days and I broke it - stupidly. And in essence continued to beat myself up emotionally. Day 2 NC and hopefully I learned from the past as I don't want to seem desperate, needy or crazy.

[activegal]

thank u very much... that was motivating for me to get over my ex.. he broke with me just 20 days back,giving me the lamest excuse ever. i broke the NC today by calling him and asking him how he was, and did he ever think about me??? and blah blah..

He just answered for watever i asked and said he was moving to another city for his job in another two days, i asked him to come and see one last time before he leaves.. he said he will try.. i feel so much hurt because it was him who came to me,wooed me wen i tried to move away from him in the beginning... now all of a sudden he is treatin me like this...i m trying to be strong... but at times i just try to break down.

[maddyfaye]

Thanks for taking the time to post this Superdave. You just helped and cheered up a lot of people today

[HPZOOM]

Great post!!. Should be made as the intro for newcomers.

 

Awesome all way around!

[summersweet]

Thanks SuperDave. I'm in tears but it's okay. Your words are spot on but unfortunately my chest is still hurting from the void. I'm hanging in but I haven't pushed him off my boat yet. Soon, I hope. He left me emotionally but physically we're in the same house. I'm packing now so maybe once we're out of sight...out of mind. I've never lived alone before. I really hate what he did.

 

I will come and read your post for inspiration. Thanks Dave.

[SuperDave71]

Summer,

 

 

You are not alone. I am here cheering you on 100%. Let go of your fear so you can learn to grow and become the extraordinary woman you were always created to be.

 

 

I wish you love and happiness. I am here if you need me.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[bwhite00]

It helps me personally to find things I'm grateful for daily and concentrating on those things rather than what I 'want' or how I 'wished things were'.

 

By concentrating on what I have and am lucky to have, it makes me realize with poignant clarity exactly how blessed I truly am - girlfriend or no girlfriend. I really can't ask for much more than what I have. God bless you all.

[maddyfaye]

My problem was that I didn't appreciate what I had until it was gone. It's just so hard to let go of a 14 year marriage. She almost died a couple of times ( once almost drowning in Cabo) yet I would have mourned for years had that happened. So weird that I am not supposed to after a much smaller amount of time. The one person in this world you thought would never turn on you but I guess I got complacent with the thought she would never leave. Youy just know how they would feel if the same thing happened to them but they get to pretend that they can't understand. I stillhave my best friend and when it's all over I guess you realize that they won't likely change their " feelings" and throw you away.

[HPZOOM]

I swear this thread is the best.

[MayJane]

This thread came at the right time I've been feeling so bad & so ill thinking so much all the time. I think with Christmas coming up it's making things worse. So Dave I thank you for this post and I hope it will make me try move my thoughts onto me rather than him X

[gallop30]

I swear this thread is the best.

 

the very best,excellent

 

SD,there is something so calm in the way you write.

how did you get to this point? were you always like this ?

 

i guess accepting your fears and deal with the pain it's way better than fooling ourselves to think otherwise. we save ourselves a lot of time and effort

[SuperDave71]

thank you gallop

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[askltk]

Got agree - this something almost therapeutic in the way you write.

 

I've read it a couple of times now - and it of course makes sense. It's just difficult (but thats the point). It's even harder when the Ex really doesn't want to let go off all the positive things you once did. I, like you by the sounds of things, would rather give than receive - and do get pleasure out of making others happy. Sadly - this "quality" is course, as in reality it who want's a partner who is at there beck n call?

 

Quality post.

[ILostHim]

I loved this.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you ILostHim. I appreciate it.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[MarnDark]

Thanks for this. For no particular reason today has been such an incredibly hard day for me to get through. It's 3 weeks post BU, I felt like I was getting better but today has brought me down so much and I was so close to breaking NC. Right now, I just feel so alone. I've gotten absolutely no work done. The feelings of breaking down are creeping up again. I know that at any moment she is so close to where I am, I keep wondering what she is doing. I cannot cry again though, I'm tired of it. Without a doubt the hardest weeks of my life.

[Rhinog]

Thanks, an inspiring post

[intotheself]

Thanks for this. For no particular reason today has been such an incredibly hard day for me to get through. It's 3 weeks post BU, I felt like I was getting better but today has brought me down so much and I was so close to breaking NC. Right now, I just feel so alone. I've gotten absolutely no work done. The feelings of breaking down are creeping up again. I know that at any moment she is so close to where I am, I keep wondering what she is doing. I cannot cry again though, I'm tired of it. Without a doubt the hardest weeks of my life.

 

I feel the same way. But in a year the feelings will be much less painful. In two years it will be much much less....Time is on our side. With each day, it gets better. I know this thing for sure.

[soreheart]

It was so nice to find this post right when I needed someone to remind me that I'm

the best thing that could happen to me

 

Thanks for taking the time to write something so useful and inspiring...

[SuperDave71]

You're welcome Soreheart.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Day88]

Dave, what a post!

 

I was doing really well but it's been 2 months now (4.5 yr relationship) since the break up and I feel like it's getting worse.

 

But this post is nothing but great advice and hope. Cheers buddy.

[SuperDave71]

Day,

 

Keep your chin up and believe in you!!

 

 

Thank you for the kind words my friend

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[texas8486]

Do they not understand how much I have tried to make this work? I know the last couple of months have been difficult but I have done what I could to try and make them happy. I made sacrifices for them I wouldn’t ordinarily do for anyone, let alone someone I loved.

 

at what price are we willing to give up the core of who we are in order to be loved? In my personal experience, I used to put my personal needs aside in order to fulfill someone else’s needs. I use to believe that putting my own selfish needs on the backburner was the ultimate sacrifice in showing the one that mattered most to me how much I did love them. I took great efforts to go out of my way in order to please my partner. These rang very true!

 

SuperDave, thank you for all of your amazing posts. I am recently dealing with my own breakup at about a month in, and just now found this forum, but have been going through your threads, I'm glad I'm not alone in thought process or struggles and you are inspiring.

 

I struggle at times because I miss the good times, but definitely the bad outweigh them by a lot at this point. So it's not easy to lose someone, especially as you said, feeling like you'd give heart and soul to make them happy and put your own needs on the backburner. My realization came (and led me to break up with her) when I saw that she wasn't the person I fell in love with anymore. I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, she'd say the words but her actions showed otherwise. It's late and I might be rambling, but I felt like I had to put those words down. When I realized the relationship was not a priority for her, where my feelings and thoughts weren't given consideration, where her selfishness was and is still clouding her reason and vision, I had to move on. We took a short break (when I hit my aha moment), but I decided I couldn't stick around in limbo with my heart on the line and her coming back when she "felt" ready to work on us. I'd say other than keeping NC, the hardest part was going to get my deposit on her engagement ring back. Had planned on next May. But hey I'm glad I saw these signs of selfishness and her inconsiderate nature now and not after marriage with kids, mortgage and bills right?

 

Keep up the good work, still working on reading more of your posts as it helps to hear someone elses words in my head, instead of the inner dialogue all the time!