I am a hypocrite, but I learned something

[Nappyloxs]

ENA:

 

I admit I posted about NC and writing a letter to the ex.

 

I posted about being strong enough to not write ex., but then I ended up sending ex. my letter I wrote.

 

I will admit I am a hypocrite and no one should listen to my advice.

 

I can sit here and try to explain why I sent, but honestly, I sent it because I wanted her to feel my pain, for her to miss me, for her to respond in some sort of way.

 

But after sending I felt different. I felt disappointed and proud. I know I shouldn't have sent it, but I still did.

 

Now I realize that I am weak. That I don't truly love myself. That I am co-dependent on her. That how could she or any woman love me when I don't even love or respect myself.

 

I do all these things thinking that I am moving forward and one mistake somewhat sets me back.

 

ENA: I am going to become strong. I have to love and respect myself first. I can't say, suggest, advice one thing and then do the opposite.

 

Yes, I love the girl. I love my previous exes before her. But I got over them. I have to remember I can get over her. I actually feel better in my life without her as I am working out, I am finding out my "real" flaws as a person. Not the flaws, she saw. I am working on actually become a better man.

 

I was weak for a moment. No matter what my excuse was, no matter what I said in that letter. I allowed her to have the power and I was weak and did not love or respect myself when I sent it.

 

Mistakes happen. I take full responsibility for it. I have found some good in my mistake.

 

This healing process really takes some soul searching, some making mistakes, some accomplishing greater things. I screwed up. I apologize not to her, but to you all.

 

I know what I shouldn't do and then I go and do it in moments of weakness, no matter how much I try to avoid doing it.

 

I must be stronger. I must love myself more than that. I must respect myself more than that. I must move on and let her go. No more grieving. No more sadness. No more letting myself down.

[hidden_kitten]

Great post. We all make mistakes to learn from them and I think that you're shifting to a more objective viewpoint.

 

I caved really badly the past couple of days, selfishly expecting my ex to answer the phone to me. It changes nothing whether he did or not, but it's out of my system now.

 

I'm going to use this as pep talk for myself also:

 

I must be stronger. I must love myself more than that. I must respect myself more than that. I must move on and let [him] go. No more grieving. No more sadness. No more letting myself down.

[littlegirlblue]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just learn from how it made you feel doing it and try your best to not do it again.

 

I know how disappointed you must feel. I broke NC on saturday night when i was drunk and ended up more confused and hurt than ever as he is still playing games with me. I always find if i make a stupid mistake like that something inside me makes me deliberately get stronger so i don't do the same again?

 

Stay stong x

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks for the remarks.

[bwhite00]

Co-dependency is a very very tricky thing to get over. The thing is most people don't realize they're in co-dependent relationships or even know what the term means.

 

I was and probably am still co-dependent on my ex and on Day 3 NC. It feels great not to deal with her drama!

 

When and if she contacts me though I don't really know if I'd reply or not or how I'd act. Knowing her and her love of validation and need for drama after a couple weeks I'll probably receive a drunken 'i love you text' or a 'fine I see you don't love me anymore' type message.

 

In the past I'd reply 'i love you too' but now? It's a game to her. She's so twisted though that response or no response she'll react in some immature way. NC is good for the soul if only I can keep it up.

[Nappyloxs]

bwhite00

 

Co-dependency is tricky. I am just realizing I was co-dependent.

 

During the relationship I thought I was independent, but now I see that I wasn't at all.

 

I see that I validated myself through her. She put me down a lot, always criticized, told me that she deserved better, that a "boyfriend does" this or that.

 

I thought I was independent when I would end up arguing with her over all the above. What I did not realize is really how much it affected me.

 

Since the breakup, I definitely do feel more self-worth. A little more empowered.

 

Its been a month since some has told me I am "not good enough." By no means, am I cured from my co-dependency. But knowing that I have the problem and attempting to actively address it, is a step forward in the right direction.

 

Two books I am trying to read are

 

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover (I think that is the name)

 

and afterwards I will be reading Co-Dependency No More (available as an ebook from libraries).

 

I also enrolled in a men's therapy group to get my b@lls back.

[Eddie37]

Ah, quit beating yourself up. A breakup is a very treacherous road to travel. If you didn't slip and fall every now and then, you wouldn't be human. The important part is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is an end to the road...it's just up ahead.

[sonicfan287]

I know the feeling...

 

My ex and I still hung out for a few weeks after the breakup before I finally said it was too painful for me to do it, and that we need a longer break from each other. I was alone one day and really bored, and even tried getting out of the house to get my mind off it but I couldnt help it and I texted her and asked to hang out and she said she was busy that night (doing god knows what) and that we could hang out tomorrow (which ended up being our last time hanging out and it was about a month ago). I was so dissapointed that I caved and asked her to hang out though.

 

I also wrote a letter and assuming I was going to see her again (which I still may someday) I was going to give it to her. It was kind of an "I accept the breakup and thanks for the memories" kind of letter and when I was writing it, it made all the sense in the world to give it to her or even mail it to her but then I realized, this relationship didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. There was no point and is still no point in giving her that letter. She knows how I feel about our time together and she has whatever opinion she has of it, so why do I continuously feel like I need validation and need her to say that it meant something to her? Whether it did or not, it's over and I cant seem to accept it. I still want to send her my letter somehow, its been about a week and I havent heard from her at all. So much for her staying in touch but I havent been either so I guess I have no room to talk. I understand your pain and it doesn't make you weak to need someone. It's just how you feel when you care, and it sucks when someone doesn't appreciate it.

[Nappyloxs]

I don't disagree with you eddie or sonic.

 

I am not beating myself over the letter. I actually feel much better after sending it. I got my "closure."

 

I do care for her and it is only natural to feel for her still.

 

I was asked a question the other day.

 

"What would I do if she called me today"

 

My answer was I would answer and see what she had to say. But why??? A normal self-loving guy wouldn't. I admit that.

 

Here is a brief background of my relationship:

 

- 3 years on and off

- 1.5 years living together when she all of a sudden decided to up and move out

- 6 month still talking and dating but living apart

- 6 months she moved back in, I was having financial difficulties at the time and she was putting my down even more by calling me broke and a failure. She did not want to chip in more than 50%

- A major breakup fight last august. She called me a failure I kicked her out. Bad bad day.

 

Skipping to this year.

 

- back together but living apart.

-She always want me to fix her place right then and now. Afterwards, no thank you and always I did something wrong.

-one night we went out dancing, she got drunk. While dancing with her on the dance floor she left me to dance (grind) with another guy. When I confronted her about she acted like it was no big deal because she was drunk.

- I was constantly told I am not good enough, I am not rich enough, I am not handy enough, I am not what she wants.

-There was a month period, I think April, where she dumped me every week. She dumped me when she didn't get her way. I would always take her back.

 

I could go on and on, but I hope you understand why I feel weak for caring for someone who only ridiculed me and never appreciated me or the relationship.

[Eddie37]

From what you've described, you're so much better off without her. You would never have been good enough for her. Sending that letter wasn't closure, you'll get closure when you've moved on. Sending that letter was a weak man reaching out to the woman he loves. But whatever. Keep on truckin'.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Eddie.

 

The "closure" letter was me being sarcastic. Didn't come accross right. I admit I am weak and in love with a woman who isn't worth it.

[Carus]

Mistakes happen. I take full responsibility for it. I have found some good in my mistake.

Mistake or Learning Curve?....You choose

I am finding out my "real" flaws as a person. Not the flaws, she saw. I am working on actually become a better man.

Brilliant...!

 

And finally, is there anyone in here who can put they're hand up and say that stuck to NC from Day 1 and never broke even once...?

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[Nappyloxs]

Mistake or Learning Curve?....You choose

 

Brilliant...!

 

And finally, is there anyone in here who can put they're hand up and say that stuck to NC from Day 1 and never broke even once...?

 

Ever Forward

K2*

 

Thanks. One thing I have really become conscious about is that I must rewire my mind.

 

Yea, I think we all have broken it, except my ex!!

[Carus]

Yea, I think we all have broken it, except my ex!!

Once again you are not alone *sigh*

[bwhite00]

Yeah bro the 'failure' moniker she bestowed on you was completely unjust, rude and downright mean.

 

My ex didn't call me names but she certainly made me feel as though she did.

The worst was after we broke up, stayed apart a couple months, dated a month only to have her bail on me. But she didn't do it politely and that's what bothered me; she made sure to respond to any sincere, heartfelt message I sent her with wonderful responses like 'whatever' or 'we won't work'. Even though it HAD been working for the past month and 1.5 years prior to that (for the most part).

 

Straight lunacy. I kept my cool, didn't stoop to her level, didn't call her insane like her mother etc. Just enacted NC. Day 4 now.

 

Do the same.

 

It sucks but hey it helps.

 

I would rather have her say 'I'm going to see someone else' as a reason to take another break than to reply with 'whatever' when I try to tell her how I feel, you know?

 

Some people never grow up.

[bwhite00]

Oh and the lunacy of my previous relationship is: we only fight via text. Weird but true.

 

She has very seldom treated me badly in person. Granted we had our moments but for the most part were very cordial to each other even when arguing.

 

Something about the impersonal nature of technology makes people say stupid things that they can never take back. I'm guilty of it too.

[Nappyloxs]

BW

 

My ex treated me horrible. I can say that when looking back. She said so much crap to me that was just disrespectful.

 

She use to tell me I wasn't good enough. One time when I picked her up from a girls night out, she said that she should have gone to the "afterparty" with her girls. She was actually apologetic the next day, because I flipped and refused to speak to her.

 

The last round together, she got drunk and straight up left me on the dance floor to dance with another guy! That should have ended it right there.

 

Another time at one of my friends house, some random stranger walked into the party, she starts checking out his tattoos on his biceps. But what she was really doing was checking him out and trying to flirt.

 

UGH!!!!! Thinking about it just pisses me off and makes me feel more like a fool for loving someone like that.

 

Of course, she caught me checking out other woman here and there, but I would never ever approach them whether I was with her or not. (while being in relationship).