No. Just no. NOO. (email from old cyber bf)

[Fudgie]

Need someone to calm me down. GAHH freaking out!

 

I got an email today just now from an old boyfriend I had online. We broke up 6 years ago. He was 18 years my senior (when I was below the age of consent), and was in the UK. He was my first love. It took me YEARS to get over our breakup and subsequent crap.

 

I made a thread about it here: (long)

 

I don't get it. We said "goodbye" a long time ago. We went our separate ways. I am with someone else and am happy but still, when I think about S and what happened, I feel sad a bit. Even writing that long thread I posted made me cry a little. It's not that I want to go back to him, I don't...it's just that I remember the pain and it's something that I never want to relive.

 

He emailed me. It's written in a sarcastic tone. he's asking a lot of questions about what I'm up to, says that he's still thinking about me, but he was really sarcastic about things, like how i obviously was "too good for him" and that he had always loved me more than I had loved him (SO NOT FREAKING TRUE). It was romantic and hurtful at the same time. I don't know how to take this. I saw his name on the "from" address and my heart fell into my stomach and out my butt.

 

Well crap WHY COULDN'T HE JUST TAKE THAT WE SAID GOODBYE AND HE CAN LEAVE ME ALONE. Why must he spoil it now? what the hell does he want?

 

I feel so many emotions right now that I can't deal. I feel sweaty and scared for some reason. i feel invaded. I feel childish. I feel like I'm being manipulated but at the same time, I feel tinges of fondness.

 

Why am I scared? I know for sure that he's a sociopath. If you read my thread, you'll understand why.

(and thre are bad things about him that I didn't mention in my previous thread so if you want to know more, pls ask)

But despite all that, I can't change the fact that he was my first love, there will always be a tiny piece of my heart for him, and that without him, I would not have discovered my true potential as a person.

 

Is is possible to love, fear, and hate someone at the same time? All these emotions are coming back. I don't know what to say.

 

I feel so sick.

[waveseer]

He's jerking with you. Delete it immediately. Then do whatever you normally do to clear your head. Block his email or change yours.

[Fudgie]

My heart is racing. I haven't deleted it yet. I closed my inbox and turned OFF my Blackberry so I don't have to deal with anything right now. I don't even want to see the subject line. Right now I'm just staying here on ENA. It's sooo late here so I can't go for a walk, which is what I usually do. I could call my boyfriend which always makes me feel better but he's sleeping right and now he's been ill so I don't want to make him feel worse.

 

why is he causing me so much pain? I don't understand why he would do this to me.

[waveseer]

He has nothing better to do. You need to get rid of it right now. Then call a friend.

[Fudgie]

I just tried calling my best male friend. he is the ONLY friend who knows about S because I never told any of my friends about S and this whole thing just sucks. His phone is off because he turns it off when he's sleeping. im alone right now. I can't talk to ANYONE but him about this. well except for the boyfriend but he's asleep.

 

sorry if this is TMI but I'm starting to get IBS symptoms I'm so upset. I never get IBS symptoms unless I have a personal traumatic event and i guess this counts as one. I cna't think straight.

[waveseer]

Stay here on ena, but delete the email. You will feel better sooner if you do. Go do it and come back and tell me you did it.

[Fudgie]

I need to delete it from 2 places: one on my webmail (gmail) and the other on my Blackberry.

 

I will report back once I delete at least one of them. My BB is off and I know that once I turn it on again, that stupid little subject line with a PET NAME in it is going to come into site. oh god.

[waveseer]

Delete them both, seriously, you need to take control back.

[Fudgie]

I deleted the PC email and I cleaned out my trash can in the inbox too so there's NO going back

 

Waiting for the Blackberry to turn on.

 

I feel so shaky still but I feel so stupid for letting him get to me. I can't believe it's been this long. I pushed him out of my life and got on with it and am so happy but yet here I am. GAHHHH

[waveseer]

You are two thirds of the way there. Is there a secondary storage location on your blackberry?

[Fudgie]

No there's not. Once you delete an email, it's gone for good.

[waveseer]

Excellent, is it gone yet?

[Fudgie]

It is now...

 

god I feel terrible. I need my boyfriend right now.

[waveseer]

This man is once again out of your life. When you feel better you can take steps to make sure it stays that way. You knew him in the past. You don't know him now and he doesn't know you. If you met him today for the first time he wouldn't interest you at all. You've outgrown him and you've found someone you like better.

[KH26]

I agree that he probably has nothing better to do. I remember reading your thread before and it's been a while since you've heard from him hasn't it? Just keep thinking you're happy with your boyfriend now (you seem very happy from what I've read!) and this guy obviously isn't moving on and isn't as happy as you are or he wouldn't feel the need to contact you right now. Leave him in the past.

 

Well done for deleting the emails! I hope you're OK.

[Fudgie]

I think i said good bye to this guy in...September? yeah that's it.

 

What's weird is that I thought of him recently. See, my best male friend and I get into these crazy talks. We were talking about sociopaths one day. I have a couple "friends" who are sociopaths and I talked about how I dated one years ago (not S, someone else).

 

My male friend mentioned S. There were things about S that I don't like to talk about but I think that show he was a sociopath. my friend mentioned this. I got the shivers and said "lets talk about something else."

 

It gives me the absolute CREEPS to know that my first love didn't have a moral compass. I wonder what that says about me. I have often wondered how that will affect future relationships. I even wonder how much he knows about me, what he may do if he ever found me. I know that he is angry at me for one reason or another.

 

I am VERY, VERY happy with my current boyfriend. I don't want anything to jeopardize that. S can't ruin my happiness and productivity and I won't let him.

 

I know that S met some russian bombshell in Russia. I don't know if they got together or not. I wish he would just run off to Russia with her so maybe he won't contact me.

[ibu]

All these emotions are coming back. I don't know what to say.

 

I feel so sick.

 

Don't e-mail him back. Don't reply to his questions. Ban his e-mail address if you must, so you don't get his mails anymore in the first place.

 

If he doesn't hear from you, I'm hoping he'll back off and just cut his losses and leave you alone.

[Fudgie]

Yeah his emails were deleted. I didn't reply either. when I got it I freaked out, and came on here. I would have called my bf but he's sleeping.

 

See, the thing is, (this is what I don't get), he emailed me back in September, wanting to get back together, I guess. I didn't tell him I was with anyone but I said that i was happy and studying, blah blah blah. He said "well you seem like you don't need me anymore". I just told him I was happy but I felt that we needed to go our separate ways. He wrote me a long, beautiful email goodbye. I wrote one in return. that was IT. I have not heard from him til now.

 

The thing that really makes me angry (and I didn't mention this in the beginning of the thread) is that he claimed that he was in "hospice". Again. Oh BS! He KNOWS I am a hospice worker. He has pulled that "I am in hospice and I'm DYING" crap 3x on me already. It pulls at my heartstrings and he knows it.

[SheBrokeMe]

Add him to your junkmail list.

 

You know what this is. Its some ass hat down on his luck trying to use you/bring you down with him. Take it for a grain of salt and ignore it!

[WockaWocka]

Add him to your junkmail list.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. Use the "filters" in gmail so that any future emails from him will skip the inbox and get automatically deleted. You don't need this toxic guy in your life.

[Fudgie]

I woke this morning and NO more emails. Whew.

 

I set up a filter so I won't even see them. I should have done this ages ago, but I didn't think he'd email me again so I didn't.

 

Is it normal to have such a reaction to an ex? I wish I could just be like "he's scum" and brush him off...I feel like he is but I still get so emotional.

[waveseer]

Sometimes people affect us in inexplicable ways. Recognizing when we need to take additional measures to protect ourselves is the key.

[Fudgie]

Well it took me a while but I set up the filter. I set it up so if he emails me again, it will go RIGHT into the trash and get deleted so even if I look for it, i won't see it because it will get deleted right away.

[Miss Firecracker]

Is is possible to love, fear, and hate someone at the same time?

 

Absolutely, all perfectly normal feelings about an old love.

[Fudgie]

Absolutely, all perfectly normal feelings about an old love.

 

Really? Wow I feel a bit better.

 

I am trying to get to the point where I have little to no emotion at all when I think about him. It's getting better but not there yet.

 

He was a very twisted person and I was very young, vulnerable and things just happened. I just...ugh, I don't know.