Back to Basics - SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Despite our greatest efforts, sometimes love can walk right out of our lives just as quickly and unexpectedly as it walked in. Feelings of self-blame, loneliness, guilt and clever ideas start to manifest on possible ways to get them back start to grow more and more out of control. I know what it’s like to want someone that doesn’t want you. This can be the same person you heard tell you 20 times a day that they loved you and couldn’t go on without you. I was someone who wanted to believe those words. I took words to heart because I would often think how someone that said they loved me let me could ever let me go.

 

 

 

The truth has always been the same. We are who we are. We were created to change our minds despite our words. Timing is everything. For example, if someone said they love…what they are saying is that they love you now. Regardless, it’s the truth if it is in the present tense. The heartache comes when today you are telling yourself that they loved you once…they must love you now. My two cents worth is that true love never dies, but it can change intensities. There are many levels of love. Let’s be honest, despite someone breaking up, divorcing or just not happy in the current relationship, you are still you. You have NO control over their thoughts and feelings. This is a tough thought to swallow because we want to assume we are ‘different’. We put these things in our heads because ‘they’ told us at one time that they have never met anyone like you before.

 

 

 

I was so guilty of hanging onto every word my ex said years ago but I was only looking for ANY possible trail of hope I could find. Have you ever received a text message or a voicemail after a breakup and asked yourself “what do they mean by that” or possibly “why did they call or text”? The truth is you have no idea. You don’t understand their motivation behind it but you can easily turn your thoughts around and assume they are contacting you because they want you back or can’t stop thinking of you. This, sadly, is a false assumption. Regardless of how you feel or how long the relationship lasted, just because you feel a certain way about them DOES NOT mean they feel the same about you.

 

 

 

People have the right to change their mind and hearts. It hurts to hear but it is the truth. Why would someone want to leave me and move to someone else? We can be the best lover, mate, friend and confidant in the world yet STILL be rejected. Have you ever blamed yourself for everything that transpired? Why take the blame for something that might not of had anything to do with you? I have never understood why people choose willingly to carry a load that isn’t theirs in the first place.

 

 

 

I believe the answer is that since we usually do NOT get an honest answer from our ex’s if we were the one dumped, we choose to assume our own and blame ourselves. This is ridiculous if you know you were perfectly fine while in the relationship. If you purposely treated your ex with disrespect and lies, then this does not refer to you. Those that want a reason rarely get the truth. There are those that are genuine that will tell you exactly why but typically not in time to save an otherwise damaged relationship.

 

 

 

When our hearts hurt, we hurt all over. We have a lack of interest in everyday activities. Getting out of bed can be a chore if we let it. Depression can seep into any small crack in our hearts like water if we let it. I can speak from experience because it would have been too easy for me to let it drown my spirits but I refused to give in. My defense was that I was completely honest with myself. I chose NOT to let the “what if’s” get to me. In the beginning, I made excuses for my ex. I cannot tell a lie but as I started the process of letting go, I understood there was nothing I could do to change HER mind. I may have had thought of trying but I never gave in. If she wanted to come back, I wanted her to come back because of who I was rather than a planned attack. Why would someone want to come back into a relationship if the relationship was STILL broken? How foolish is that! There are so many people that contact me in hopes of getting “the answers” to getting their ex back. The truth is, I can’t help you. Every person’s stories are unique. I cannot give you a magic formula for getting someone back because there isn’t one.

 

 

 

Love is not based on the amount time, looks or anything superficial. It’s based on two people genuinely caring about one another and demonstrating that love and mutual respect for one another consistently. I wanted answers from my ex but I didn’t get what I had hoped. I mostly received excuses why I could not be heard or seen and learned that she was already seeing someone else. It hurt but I was determined to BE ME.

 

 

 

Rejection is NEVER easy. Ever been fired from a good job? Ever been told you were not experienced enough? Have you ever applied for a scholarship and were turned down because you didn’t meet the required credentials? Now, take that type of let down, multiply it times 1000 and throw your heart into the mix. Now, it’s personal. Words cannot describe how your heart feels when it is broken. The part of you that you allowed to be the OTHER half of your heart is gone and it’s hard to breathe. Obsessive thoughts consume you and memories you have not thought about for weeks, months or possibly years start to surface only to make your heart seem to grow smaller and smaller leaving you isolated and feeling worthless. My advice to you is to do your best not to put your self-worth into someone else’s pocket. It’s called SELF worth just like the word SELF-esteem. It begins with you.

 

 

 

Why on earth would you allow your inner core to be torn out by someone who was with you once but since they chose to leave, you are relying on them to make YOU happy? What kind of nonsense is that? We can miss our ex’s love and affection, yet we can’t allow ourselves to give our self-worth away if they choose to leave.

 

 

One of the major problems I have heard many deal with is the lack of motivation after a breakup. The sense of self-worth is almost non-existent. This is understandably so but when the weeks turn into months and the months into years, there is definitely a bigger issue underneath the surface. Some believe that after a breakup that what is the point of even trying again when it will only end in possible heartbreak again. This is the hurt surfacing and nothing else. We all want to be loved but we tend to get more hurt when we force ourselves to believe that we cannot be in love again once left. Why do we over romanticize what we once had and refuse to look for something better? I had a horrible time when my ex left me. In the beginning, I would make the common mistakes of pleading and making promises I thought would make her love me again but I was swept up in the moment. When we choose to forget everything in order to be loved by someone else, we are seeking approval from someone in order to FEEL loved. When that person walks away…the person that relied on the other will be left starving for attention, love and even affection. It’s the same as someone always feeding you..if they disappear…where or how do you eat? You have to do it yourself. That’s the rub.

 

 

Blaming never solves problems. In my opinion, it only makes matters worse. What positive thing can come from blaming or rehashing bad times, memories or behavior? I choose to be positive. Ask anyone who they think is sexier, and it’s someone who has their act together and is confident. The more you think or talk about your ex and trying to “figure out what went wrong” is a waste in my opinion. Let me expand on that a second. If you need answers, then by all means try to get them but DON’T force them. If you can’t get answers then chalk it up for a learning experience. The more you hang onto unresolved relationship answers, the more you will STAY in the past. Who wants to go backwards? I don’t. The best revenge anyone ever needs is to be happy with who you are. Don’t put unnecessary value in someone who walked right out on you. Don’t waste valuable time and effort into trying to convince yourself they will be back. If they come back, it’s because they WANTED TO not because you did, said, bought a gift or any other superficial act of kindness. You have to give off the vibe of “I am the best gift anyone could have”. Sounds a bit conceded but this is not my meaning.

 

Ex’s tend to communicate because of mostly a few simple reasons:

1. They genuinely miss you

2. They miss the feeling of being loved

3. The grass is not always greener

4. The relationship they are currently in is NOT what they expected ( they are NOT you)

5. They were just dumped or used.

6. Ex sex

 

We can all be guilty of wanting to be held, kissed or loved just ONE MORE TIME from our ex’s. We have this idea in our heads that NO ONE knows us better than they do. I agree to a certain extent but we can’t assume someone else can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to bash or put our ex’s in a negative light. This is not my intension. My thought process is not to be swept away by days that are already behind you. We cannot change the past but we can change ourselves, our circumstances and the way others see us. I have heard so many people say they lost weigh possibly exercised more when their ex left. I am all for being in shape but my question is why? Did you do it for you? Did you do it for them? Looks are superficial when it comes to love. Looks are part of the attraction process which could inevitably lead to a date and possibly a relationship but my argument is if your ex knows how you are as a person, why would something on the outside matter as much? Looks fade, bodies can get a little soft but the love is STILL there. It’s what’s on the inside that counts mostly. Do looks matter? Sure but merely for sex appeal. Remember, beauty is the eye of the beholder.

 

 

 

What a lot of people do not realize is that walking away with your head held high from a relationship can be difficult but it is not impossible. I actually did this in FRONT of my ex years ago, yet I was a weak and crushed man when I arrived home. I am human. My ego was shot. My whole sense of self was gone because she wanted to leave. She was attractive and fun. All the memories came rushing out and so did the tears but I am here to tell you…I am not ashamed of any of it. If we don’t learn from our own mistakes (or others) how do we learn? If someone doesn’t want you anymore, do your part of grieving and learn from it but DON’T LET IT GET YOU DOWN. Life is for living..not regretting. If you are JUST going thru a breakup, do your best to take the focus off your ex and put it on yourself. This is NOT a selfish act because you were you BEFORE the relationship and you still are. Pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. It is NOT up to someone else to put YOU back together so quit wasting your time. The I achieved feeling better was simple, I wrote. I began pouring my heart out with pen to pad. I would write everything down from how I felt to things I wanted to tell my ex no matter how loving or hash. It allowed me to say anything and everything I wanted in the privacy of my own home which allowed me NOT to make anymore foolish mistakes such as trying to call my ex or text. When you pour your heart out to yourself (yes, I know this sounds crazy) you can re-read what you felt and why. This allows you to see your progress and encourages you to face who you are instead of holding it inside. No one read your thoughts but you. However, if you do get back together with your ex, I DO NOT RECOMMEND letting them read your notes. These are your inner most thoughts and should be protected. They serve to better you, not them. You have been warned.

 

 

 

 

So many ask me about the No Contact rule and how I used it. Just because I did it a certain way doesn’t mean it will work for you. Those who are new to the No Contact rule, do not misinterpret its main goal. The goal is to get YOU back, NOT your ex. How is this achieved? Simple, you do not communicate with your ex whatsoever so you can start to put your focus 100% back on you. We all have habits with our ex’s. Certain days we went to dinner or a certain activity such as meeting after work for drinks or possibly dinner. We refer to this as routine. Using the No Contact rule is NOT easy, at least at first. You have to break the habits you once had in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. Do things only for you. Your ex is out of the picture. Why on earth would you pop in to the same pub you and your ex attended and see them possibly happy as could be with someone new? You must allow yourself to get though the tough times. If you choose to be bull-headed and go anyway because “I was here first” then you choose to be right over being sensible. Why cause a scene? Why would you want to possibly let your ex look at you in a NEGATIVE light? “That is my stalker ex over there….the one that keeps staring over here.” OUCH! Are you kidding?! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you believe an idea in your head or heart is a good idea such as:

 

 

"I miss her so much, I should probably just go over there and tell her I love her”

 

 

You better think with your head and not your heart. DO NOT EVER set yourself up to be hurt. You were JUST rejected by your ex, why on earth would you want to see them again RIGHT after a breakup. Isn’t it obvious that they broke up with you for a reason? Let the dust settle. Why allow yourself to be seen as someone who just doesn’t get it? Do your best to stay away from all forms of communication with your ex for now. Why? Because if you cannot answer the simple question of “what good can come from it” if they call or leave a voicemail, then you need more time. Many times people end up arguing and saying hurtful things out of the pain the breakup has caused rather than letting the dust settle.

 

**Remember, you cannot take back hurtful words but you can prevent them. **

 

The main focus after a break is you. We must all learn to take a step back without holding on to someone that has already let go if us. Different people, different circumstances and different time can affect the outcome of everything we do but it’s how we play our current hand that matters. THINK before you act. Sounds pretty basic but when the heart is involved, it can get pretty scary. Do what is right. Be the better person. Just because you gave your best to someone yet they still left doesn’t mean you are worthless. It means they didn’t have the courage or the need to stay. Try not to take it so personal. Do what you can to let go of their excuses why they can’t do something. Life is short my friends. It is to be lived, learned and loved. Treat others the way YOU like to be treated and never settle for less than you deserve.

 

 

 

 

Peace and love,

 

SuperDave71

[TSandullo]

Oh yeah! Sd71 returns! Thanks, gr8 post. Ts

[brandnewday47]

Fantastic post, SuperDave! Already a gem..

[Silent_Whisper]

That was a great encouraging read dave. Thanks mate. Was something fresh I really needed

[charity]

THIS IS THE KICK IN THE BUTT I'VE NEEDED. THAN YOU!

 

its been about my 10 months since my break up. i have done my best to heal but have found myself still rehashing it all in my head over and over again. i cannot even say i regret the break up due the massive self awarness it has brought to me. i'm a better person now, wiser, nicer, calmer.

 

 

 

BUT....

there is this hatred in me, this bitterness with him that i'm trying to shake off but until now i haven't. we have children so we have LC which is so hard. but you are right. he had a right to move on. he had a right to find happiness and not stay in our unhappy incompatible relationship.

 

is it good that he doesnt put much effort into finding a job-no! or that he doesn't help me support the children-no! or even emotionally support me-no!

but you know what? i knew how he was when we got together, i knew he wasnt a stable working man, i knew he was flamboyant and fickle. so its time for me to take responsability for MY CHOICE. i chose him as he was, and now i'm angry cause he won't be someone different???my bad.

 

i think its time now to accept him as he truly is and LET HIM GO. i am on my own in this so i'd better be the best i can be for myself and for my children.

[ElleB]

wahay!! SuperDave returns! I love it. Such sense. I swear your posts, your strength, your focus has made this break up a million times easier. I'm at 5 weeks and feel stronger than I ever thought I could. Thank you SuperDave x

[Hobbes]

Appreciated that very much Dave, makes a hell of a lot of sense after 11 months of mostly NC. I would have read that very differently at the start - everything I did was NC but I was building myself for the day she would come back (fitness etc everything she did in life) and she didn't. So once I realised she wasn't coming back, really REALLY realised it, I started to focus on me but for me only, not me for her, not me in her eyes, what I thought she would want me to become but I went back to basics.. like your title suggests, back to me. It's the only way. Still in a slump though, but I am just being lazy in a very humid summer/heatwave.

 

Hats off to you Dave, post resonated with me. I think it's really cool that you still come back here from time to time and make posts like this, helps a lot of people, even the non freshly dumped.

[incaangelique]

SuperDave is an amazing human being.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you all... I really appreciate your words of encouragement.

 

 

 

-Your Friend

 

 

SuperDave71

[abigheart]

Thanks SuperDave...I've always appreciated (and bookmarked!) your posts.

 

This was exactly what I needed to read tonight. 4 months post break up, 2+ months NC, I've been able to maintain NC and hold off on any urges to contact my ex, but the self-blame and regrets are still pooling. But as you made note, I have to realize I have no control over my ex and decision, and I just don't know for certain if I really did drive my ex away or not.

 

It's time to look out for me now. Or just keep trying until I finally get it.

[beautifulangel]

Quote -Just because you gave your best to someone yet they still left doesn’t mean you are worthless. It means they didn’t have the courage or the need to stay. Try not to take it so personal. Do what you can to let go of their excuses why they can’t do something. Life is short my friends. It is to be lived, learned and loved. Treat others the way YOU like to be treated and never settle for less than you deserve- Unquote

 

I totally agree with you my brother from another mother. I was in love with my ex of two years. A single mother of ten. Did every possible thing for her, to the extent that I could have left my breath without giving it a thought. Yet Madam choose someone else over me... And the reasons she gave me were all vague, i am a very mature pratical guy and a one who doesn't believ in any sort of conflicts... yet she left me for another guy.

 

She had hooked up with him, before she broke off with me. Though we didn't fight and since she told me that I would never stop her this time as previously also she had wanted to get out of the relationship... Whatever the reasons she must have had. She never communicated it with me, I wish she could have talked to me for i would have worked to fix them up. Bur guess she was missing something in our relationship inspite of the fact that I LOVED HER so much, which she knew. She used to say, "I don't want to change you" etc... And one day it came on to me... "its not you, it's me" as i was willing to let go of her she lied to me in the beginning and didn't tell me about her new man. She wanted me to have a 'nice' girl for myself. Probably a result of her guilty felings for cheating on and dumping an honest man I guess. Since than I am 'NO CONTACT' and though there are pangs and attacks of a strong desire where I end up thinking about her etc. But I won't, I have almost over it, but t was TRUE LOVE on my part... YOU can imagine the feelings... I wish to heal, I will be strong, I am Strong. Her leaving me will NOT let me go down. And so should others who are in a similar situation... BE STRONG, BE YOURSELF. IT's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

 

As they say when they break up "IT'S NOT US, BUT THEM. HOW TRUE"

[FrostPanther425]

Thank you SuperDave. I am new to this forum, relatively and your words have already helped a great deal. I am on the first day of NC and it is really difficult, but reading your words makes things a little easier. I thank you for everything you have done, and hope you will continue to write inspiring posts like this.

[SuperDave71]

You are welcome.

 

-SuperDave71

[resilient7]

If only i had read this priceless advice 2 years ago!why now!..I was about to walk away with my head up the day she dumped me but something inside me snapped and thought if i SHOW her how much i love her i might get her back.well,ended staying 5 months trying everything in the "how to lose her for good" manual and now i have to live with this all my life.

funny thing is i knew it was wrong because she never completely got over her ex,but i could not control myself thinking that by writing her singing to her*cringe* i would have her back.

 

have not been seeing anyone for 2 years and dont plan to anytime soon.however really great post dave.

[bwhite00]

That's a really wonderful article, thank you so much.

[dreamygirl]

This is a wonderful post. After almost 4 months of no contact and thinking of my ex every day, I'm finally starting to let go and concentrate on myself. I have to put myself first. This article is inspiring.

[SuperDave71]

Dreamygirl,

 

 

Keep doing what your doing. Always move forward and learn from your past. I wish you the best.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Carus]

Brilliant! Yeh, I wish I had that info 12 months ago....well I kinda did but wasnt strong enough to stick to it!

 

But anyway....Bump!

 

 

[TSandullo]

Ah! Refreshing read...every time.

 

Thanks again SD71. Have a great weekend.

 

TS

[paulod]

A brilliant read SD, so inspiring! you are a legend and a man of wisdom my friend. Wish I had this to hand 6 months ago when I was on my knees begging for a second chance.

Am so glad those real dark days are behind me.

 

Laters

 

Paul

[TSandullo]

Pretty down today.

 

Missing my ex and her daughter a lot.

 

Still need time to heal. This is a great read once again, I keep coming back for clarity and peace.

 

Bump!

 

Happy healing friends and have a great weekend.

 

TS

[Morning]

Great post, very inspirational.

[Snowy]

Great post. Bump!

[TasmineFr]

It was great reading ur post , Dave ! Thank u for the wise thoughts!

[Staple]

I have to say this post is amazing. It's crazy how I guess we all go through the same thing.