Insecure

[blackcat21]

Ok.. so me and my ex had a fairly friendly breakup, he did it, wanted to remain friends saying he didn't feel anything for me anymore.. that things weren't working.. he left room of a (slight might I add) possibility that we could get back together in the future, only if it so happens that it works out that way, after we are friends again. I tried several times to get him back directly, by talking and everything I could do... didn't work.. he was keeping his distance. Haven't spoken to him since a little over a month now, wondering if I should send him an email saying hi and asking how he is doing? Maybe even saying I miss him? I would keep it all short and casual.. but I'm just worried.. my friend tells me I should wait for him to make contact with me, so that that way, I have the power, and not him... but I dunno.. I would love to be with him again but I don't know.. I don't know what dropping him a casual email would or wouldn't do.. if it would benefit that or not.. or what.. I'm confused and missing him

[danimal77]

Your friend who is giving you advice, is she single? What kind of advice is that? You take him back on your terms, so that you can have the power?

 

It's not about power. You just said in your other post that you wanted your ex (I'm assuming it's another ex) back, he didn't come and then 2 months later he wanted to come back, but you didn't want him.

 

Do you know what you want? I realize a lot of this is a game, but you want him back because you love him. BTW, my ex told me what your ex told you and I'm creeping on a month with NC too and I have several things in mind to do as well, seeing that this isn't the first time we've brokwn up after all.

 

BTW, how old are you anyways? Just curious.

[Hannibal]

Just wait until he makes contact.

I would seriously question if you want to be friends with him anyways.

 

Then again I've turned bitter to situations like these so maybe my advice isnt the best to take.

[rusty_boi]

what i would say is make inital contact saying hi havent spoken to you in a while what you been up to try get a bot of a friendship going again and work off that because if that happeneds the worst thing you can get is a friend which everyone could do with more of

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I'll be direct, okay?

 

In my opinion it's okay to send an email or text message every now and then.

 

It's a way of staying in contact. However, you must not expect anything from it. A guy will respond to an invitation for fun and lightness.

 

If the message sounds like: "there are issues we should discuss. I miss you..." This will be a turn off for him.

 

Why? right now, he does not want any emotional load. He does not want to digest stuff. He wants space and freedom.

 

You can contact him lightly... "Party Saturday?" or something like that but expect nothing from it.

 

The real trick is to have the choice. Right now, you are still invested in him. He is not invested in you. You are semi committed to him. He is 100% non committed to you. You simply give too much. You get back nothing. As long as there is this disbalance, he will run away: He'll feel you needy and demanding.

 

The best strategy is to get your full power back and invest in other guys, date lightly, flirt, no need to jump into something steady. This is what makes you attractive. You radiate pleasure for life and freedom. This is what any guy would respond to. Anything else feels like hang ups and is a turn off.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[cassiana]

When my ex dumped me he said he might regret it. This suggested that there was still interest. It was either intentionally or unintentionally manipulative. The dumpee, who retains feelings can grab on to this but they shouldn't.

My advice to you is this, do not contact him at the moment. A month of no contact isnt enough for either of you. For him because, and i'm not being facetious but I think of a good example from the simpsons. Marge kept nagging homer for being too soft on Bart so one time they send him to bed without supper. Bart is in bed thinking ,aybe they mean it this time, maybe I should straighten up and fly right. Then just as he is thinking this homer sneaks in with a pizza. When Homer leaves Bart laughs, suckers!

If your ex has feelings for you a month isn't enough to realise that and to fear that he may have pushed you too far and has lost you. By putting up with all this and coming back for more you are undervalueing yourself and he will do likewise.

Also a month is too short a time for you. If you tallk to him now your feelings will leak out no matter how much you resolve to be cool. At this stage love is like a poker game, you can't show your hand too soon. You need now to go out and occupy your mind. Try new things and date a bit also. You will seem more attractive to him because others will value you and then he will wonder if he let a good thing go.

The ideal situation is that he would contact you and then be friendly but aloof.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I agree with Vital 100% present, I suggest you go back and print out his post and keep it fresh in your mind. I think if you do that and read it everyday, it will help you heal faster.

 

Good Luck

 

Kuhl

 

8) 8)

[sweetione]

Okay, I'm alittle confused...are we to do NC or are we to occasionally leave little happy messages so that we stay in contact?

[danimal77]

Cassiana,

 

I like your points, but you cannot judge the healing power of time. For some, one month may be too shot a time and for others, one month may be too long. Cassiana, the last time my ex broke it off with me, I kept contact for the first week and then had NC for only 12 days and then it took me another month to make her trust me again and lower her defenses enough to feel comfortable.

 

I like your Simpson's example, and you are right in pointing that out, because our ex's have come, as sad as this is, to expect us to fall apart, just as soon as they leave and they expect us to run after them immediately and in some cases, non stop for a duration of time, as some of us may have done on occasion, which we also realize, does end up pushing them further away.

 

A lot can be accomplished within a month and besides, the longer you do wait, the more of a chance your ex has met someone else and has really moved on and then you are creating more difficult obstacles for yourself. They are not impossible to overcome, but in a sense, you want your ex to wonder enough about your absense and be kept in the dark, long enough, but not too long.

 

BTW, I saw that Simpson's episode and Homer came up with Bart's dinner, but Cassiana, what if Homer came up and Bart was expecting him to have his dinner with him, but he didn't. Wouldn't this have thrown off Bart? Yes, very much. You can go back in a month later, but don't be the person they are expecting to see come back. That's the mystery and it does work. I know.

 

Sweetione,

 

NC is NC. There is no way around it. Sending him little emails and stuff of that nature are you showing an interest in him that may be misconstrued. Remember, when you feel the time is right and you are confident enough in yourself and your abilities to remain aloof and indiffiferent are your first few initial contacts, go for it. It can be done, but if you are still being your loving self when sending him those emails and having those phone calls, NOTHING will be accomplished. Well, maybe something and that being, a prolongation of your time apart from him.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[sweetione]

Danimal,

 

What exactly am i suppose to say or do then? I do think that i need to give him space now. I am not sure how long...i was thinking maybe sept. since his birthday is then...but i don't know. How would you procede???

[blackcat21]

Danimal-

Yes that was a different ex. Yes I DO know what I want. The ex (the one I am speaking about, my second ex) is a great person.. I loved him when we were friends and when we were going out.. the other guy was a horrible person, but thats another story. Not sure why you're asking.. but I'm 21. My friend's single now.. only b/c she just broke off with a year long relationship.. I trust her advice, because at least she is smart enough not to wind up in bad or deadend relationships like I have in the past. I know love isn't about games but sadly guess what I have realized? When it comes to dealing with men, sometimes it has to come to that. I have tried so many times to be direct and he just won't hear of it.. besides the reason why he broke it off, I think, is because he got scared off of the relationship and things of that nature.. well he did the whole "its not mean to be" thing and.. he just couldn't get close to me in the relationship.. he was scared for some reason. I was pushing and it only pushed him further away. This is why I was saying in my other post it is harder to win back a guy than it is a girl- because guys seem to usually want space.. don't want to feel like they're pushed into things, etc. The problem I'm thinking of is how can I give someone I love space without completely giving up any chances of being with him again? Or someone else coming along and going out with him? So what can I do? He himself has told me he wanted space, so I had no choice but to stop and give it to him. Believe me I was trying very hard to talk and show him I cared and all it did was annoy him, crowd him, and probably make him lose respect for me. We haven't talked since May 21.. when school ended.. now school is out for the summer and neither of us have talked to the other.. I was just wondering if a friendly little email would be well received or would it hurt what I want.. to be with him.. to get close to him even if it is just as friends for now (that is how we started out..) although ideally I want to be with him romantically again.. I mean he has said he likes me very much as a person and wants to be friends.. but that he doesn't have feelings like that for me anymore. Anyway I was just wondering if a quick messege saying hi whats up hows the summer going.. would be good or bad.. things like that..

[danimal77]

Either call him, or go and visit him. Do not email him whatever you do and when you do make contact, make no mention about feelings at all to him.

 

What makes you sure that if and when he wants to come back, you may not want him back either. You mentioned how you wanted your other ex back for 2 months, but finally when he wanted to come back, like this new ex may want to eventually, that you may not want him back either.

 

Sometimes people just want what they can't have and when they finally get it, they no longer want it, because it's all about the catch and the challenge of which that imposes.

 

Anyways, I've asked myself this very same question, so don't worry. I have come to the realization that I do truly love her, but what you said about you feeling like the relationship with your other ex was a dead end situation. How do you know that your current ex doesn't feel the same way right now?

 

You have to be objective as well, at times that is. Anyways, stick to what you believe in. I won't discourage you, like some others on this board may.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[blackcat21]

I just wanna say thanks to everybody who offered their advice to me on this thread

 

Danimal,

I know for a fact that he feels that way, or else he wouldnt've ended the relationship.

 

The other ex is a long, long story I really don't want to get into it. But I was young and foolish then. Its not even so much that I wanted to be with him in that realtionship when it ended.. as I was just sad over losing a 3+ year long boyfriend, not to mention my first one.

 

My current ex was good for me in everyway.. I know he is someone I would like to be with. I don't want to just go and see him or call him up.. I mean I had been trying too much to do those things between the months of April-May and it got me absolutely nowhere except bring him more distant with me, it really didn't go very well, I assure you! I love him but what good is me continuously trying at doing something that isn't going to work? I just don't know if I should drop a friendly line or so just to let him know I want to say hi.. or just wait for him to come talk to me at some point.. its harder because he was such a good friend to me that now I feel I lost that as well.... but for the past 2 months hes done nothing but show me he didn't care about me.. all attempts at being friendly or anything were received with indifference, which is why I think that I need to wait and hope.. maybe he'll be the one to talk. I have been going out and doing things of course.. but just been wondering if an email would be okay.. I don't know, I guess I was just worried about it or not, I dunno why I expect some kind of magic answer for this.. I just don't know what to do. I really do care about him and love him but whats the best thing to do.. I will see him again in Sept for school.. he said we'd talk then but he said a lot of things.

[danimal77]

Black Cat,

 

When did he officially end it? I'm assuming this was prior to April? You don't want to just call him, or email him. Well, if you want him back, you have to. If there was love on his part, he can't just erase you from his mind, as much as you may think that he is doing.

 

You need to approach him from a different angle.

 

I've discussed this approach in almost all of my posts. To not be redundant, read my posts and you will understand that there are other way, that you may have not considered, or your girlfriend for that matter.

 

These moves may be dangerous, because he may just be seduced by them and then you get him back, but you have to keep it up, with your emotional fulfillment, or else, he will feel denied.

 

Read up and good luck,

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

blackcat,

 

I wouldn't send an e-mail or make any contact until he contacts you. I defnitely wouldn't see him in person because regardless if it's just "harmless" or a friendly move on your part, he will see it as a major effort on your part and that would push him back more and give him that "power" that you were seeking.

 

Give him his space and use it to your advantage as well. I agree with what someone else said, in that one month is not enough time to heal. Think about it, you're emotionally charged, needy, desperate and are not thinking logically. Keep in mind, however, that your ex is going through heavy emotions as well. He may be relieved that he has this space and time to reflect and to be away from you for awhile. Chances are though, he may think about you, he may regret - bottom line is that you both need time to cool off, heal, reflect on what went wrong and how to hone your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses.

 

As far as you waiting too long and risking him meeting someone else, I say let it happen. Why? It's a rebound relationship and you both will more than likely have a few before you truly know what you want.

 

I was in a similar situation as you and I decided not to contact my ex-gf at all. This freaked her out because she had no clue as to where I was or what I was doing or with whom. I, personally think it was that control she lost (going back to your game analogy) that drove her nuts. The idea of me not caring or putting her on the backburner must have made her think "damn, what have I done?" More importantly is that in these 7+ months of breakup and 2 months of absolutely no contact, you begin to find yourself again. For me, it just hit me one day and I felt like I found a part of myself that was dormant for the longest time. I say, if he truly cares and misses you, he will make a move and contact you.

 

If not, then so be it. You'll be a better person for it and will be ready for someone who will truly appreciate you. I know for me, I am tired of games and ploys and coulda woulda shoulda's. I want someone that is going to love me for me, regardless of my flaws and accept me for who I am. Sure that may seem like a hard thing at first, but like they say, good things happen to those who wait.

 

Good luck.

[danimal77]

If he truly loves you and misses you, he may not make a move, sorry. That's wishful thinking though.

 

My friends mother hurt him really bad and he refuses to call her up. It's been a looooong time. Does he love her? Of course he does. He tells me all the time, at first I wouldn't even accept her apology. That would have been too easy. Now that time has passed he tells me, look, I love her, but I am not calling her. She knows where to find me if she is still sorry. He harbors the pain every day of his life, but will not call and like many on this board, neither will she.

 

Forget about control issues and him having it, or you having it. Have control over your actions and be proud of whatever it is you choose to do and if other disapprove, well f^ck them.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

great reply...truth be told. You know what? I am going to be completely honest here, at the risk of sounding like an ass. But this guy, danimal, has gone from sounding very self-centered, unrealistic in his earliest posts-to giving some of the very best advice I am reading on this forum. He has gone from having in my opinion unrealistic hopes and methods to the base truth that we must be accountable, we must do what we need to do, and all the rest will fall into place...I am very impressed...maybe you, danimal, have just been going through the stages of grief and have before my eyes moved into a much healthier stage...looks that way...but I will say this-I questioned his advice and methods in my earliest posts, not that I am an expert on life and love by any means, I am a failure too-but I would advise anyone at this point to listen to what this guy has to say...he has an objective outlook at this point that blends realism and optimism-a great way to look at things. Thanks for your efforts here danimal-and best of luck to everyone on here. I hope we all achieve our dreams, no matter what they may be. Michael

[Mun]

Black cat, why would you want to drop a "friendly" email to a man who as you say " has done nothing but hurt me"?????

Girl you need to think about this again. The man wants his space and he has mistreated you and ignored every other attempt you have made to keep contact with him.

 

You want to reassure him you are still waiting but no one is reassuring you. I think you should put some serious space between you guys until he comes around looking for you. Begging and pleading has not worked and it will not work.

 

Most men are attracted to powerful women. Why? Because it is this type of woman that will call him on his BS and will not stand for mistreatment. Am I right guys?

 

You must believe in yourself and you must be this woman. Only then will he or any other man die to have you.

 

You will have his respect and everyone elses. Isn't that a better deal?

Love

[Belle]

black cat,

 

I agree wholeheartedly with muneca. You yourself have admitted that you can't keep doing things that don't work. I have been in your shoes and sending the friendly email may appease your sense of need to feel in control and that he still cares, but what he needs most now is space and what you need is control over your own destiny. When he gets his space, in about a month he'll go through what's called the brush with death (break up don't make up). You will prolong or quash this possibility by letting him know you're still around and waiting for him. I strongly urge you not to make any contact for another month. You can reassess then. But it's the best thing for both of you. He's already taking you for granted so you need to assert your own independence and move on for the moment. If he changes his mind in the future, great. Maybe you can work it out then. But it isn't going ot happen until he's dealt with at least 2 months of no contact. The more I've spoken with friends who have broken up and made up and gotten back together and gotten married, the formula was 2-3 months of NO CONTACT. The funny thing is that it seemed that in many cases it was the guy who was hard headed and bitchy and didn't want to go back and so when teh girl gave up, 2-3 months down the road here comes the guy, hat in hand asking for another chance. It does happen. Not every time if they don't really love you but at least at that point you'll know and be well on your way to recovery anyway. I don't like the staying friends routine. if he does call you before then, I wouldn't return his call immediately. And keep it light and BRIEF.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

Belle

[danimal77]

Muneca,

 

Sorry, I do not agree with you 100%. He has not mistreated her. She has mistreated herself by continuing to pursue him when he made it clear to her that for the moment he needs his space. She had not been respecting him and in turn, herself.

 

I will stand my ground saying that Black Cat does need to back off for a while. Forget a man needing a strong woman. A man wants a woman to respect him as much as a woman wants the same thing from a man. IT's about equality.

 

Black Cat, YOU MUST do nothing for a while. He will not be expecting this from you and that's good, but more importantly, as a result of you backing off for an indefinite amount of time, you will be able to form a bit of an emotional detachment, that is required to see the situation as it is and come up with more feasible attempts at repairing it, but as I've been told, that time is not now.

 

Let him breathe for a while. You are not a detriment to him, as much as you are to yourself for the time being. Take care of you and be a patient woman who knows what she wants and is prepared to fight for it. Fight when the time is right. For now, fight for you, as he is doing for himself.

 

Peace and good luck,

 

Danimal

 

BTW, Michael, thanks buddy for the compliments. I feel good man. I really do. God Bless.

[blackcat21]

He ended it in very late March but we continued to see each other on a daily basis as it was unavoidable because of the fact that we go to the same school. Anyway I didn't think it'd be appropriate for me to visit him because.. well he lives far anyway and I've never been to his house even when we went out so it doesn't seem right to do something like that. It just doesn't seem right to try and see him right now, I don't think it would be well-received. I guess the best thing to do is just keep with the not talking.. but I just miss him.. in weaker moments I consider writing a "hey hows the summer going?" email but later on regain my senses and think "good thing I didn't do that.." Its certain we will talk in the future just not right now.. we will see each other again once the semester begins. So I know I will at least talk to him again.. but I just was wondering .. what to do. BTW he was very distant in the relationship towards the end, I really didn't do anything wrong, he just has issues with commitment and handling any relationship.. I'm hoping he'll come to his senses.. he has said he needs time to sort things out (not in a way that implies we'd definitely be together again, once he had) so I should respect that, right? I just wasn't sure if a friendly hello is in order or if waiting would be better... hes really a sensitive person who does listen, but I think I wore out his grace period (too much talking and trying to convince him back with me for two straight months!).. so I think the only option is to continue with the no contact that started a month ago.. I guess he needs to think and reconsider on his own.. so confused.

[danimal77]

Black Cat,

 

Fill me into a couple of unanswered questions here.

 

1. How long was the relationship?

2. What the longest you've gone on without making any contact at all?

 

Stick to this and do not contact him. Take it from me, okay? Contact him when you can successully come accross as not being the least needy. Then and only then will be the right time for you.

 

When you get down, during those time, think to the not too distant future, where you will be a stronger and more independent woman, who can appraoch him without raising his suspicisions of your intentions.

 

You want him to be comfortable with you again, so, you have to respect him for now. When you recreate contact, make no mention of feelings. Make the contact a pleasurable think and then the next time, make him feel good and then great and on and on, until you are at a point where he no longer feels the pressure.

 

That's your goal for the future. for the immediate, work on yourself and be happy and stay strong.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[blackcat21]

Danimal-

The relationship was 3 months 3 weeks long.. short, but there was a lot of love and respect. We had known each other longer as friends (okay so I've known him as a friend since last September..), so we knew each other for longer than that, and I thought we had a nice foundation for a relationship.. we had a lot in common and could joke around together, and both respected each other as people.

 

The longest I've gone is now which is a little over a month...

[Mun]

but for the past 2 months hes done nothing but show me he didn't care about me.. all attempts at being friendly or anything were received with indifference,

 

From the way I read the post it looked like he was mistreating her Dan. Any decent man wants a woman who respects herself.

 

Everyone has a different take on things and a different way of behaving after a break up. Do what works best. Black just relax a bit and let him come to you. Don't put yourself out anymore and risk being rejected. You will only get hurt over and over while he tries to figure things out. If you aren't around he can't hurt you. In the long run there will be less to "fix" if he does come back to you.

 

Really try to get on with your life. Let him feel what it really means to be without you. Good luck

[blackcat21]

Thanks muneca I suppose you're right.. I have been relaxing and trying to keep him off of my mind but still miss him from time to time.. I guess it is too soon for me to even drop a simple hello how are you doing email... I guess I should just wait..