Kinda ashamed I am single

[aprilflowers]

My ex remarried, boyfriends move on. It's hard, confusing work dating! But I am still going home alone at night, and eating dinner alone at 10 pm and all that stuff. People say be patient, stop worrying. A therapist told me (scary!) I may never find someone, and that's life. I feel inadequate cuz I don't have a wedding ring. Is this nuts - or common?

[SadMan]

When did your ex remarried? Is this a recent thing? It could be things like that could trigger why is he happy and I am not. I think it is very common. I am pretty much on the same boat. I am sure many people are experiencing the same thing. Are you in a rush to get marry? What is your age if you dont mind me asking?

[FathomFear]

I'll be 31 this year and I have yet go on a date. It's all relativele, really. The natural tendency is to look at our own situation and assume it's the worst it can possible be. But in reality it's not.

 

What has stopped you from moving on since breaking up with your ex?

[pinkelephant]

yea, it's pretty nuts in my opinion but it's also pretty common. i don't understand girls who don't feel complete without a ring. you're your own person or you need to grow into your own person. there's nothing you can't do without a guy.

[agatha]

it's completely nuts if all that bothers you is the ring - keep talking to your therapist.

 

on the other hand, I feel you. all my friends are engaged/married/on a ltr, 2 pregnant, I'm the only single w/o kids girl at work! I miss the companionship eventually, a bed warmer, someone worth cooking for and shoulder to cry on - it really gets to me sometimes, but I also got pretty clear in my mind what I need from a relationship and where do I want my career to go.

 

I believe that if you take good care of yourself, things will fall in place at the right moment = )

[Pkittie]

Aprilflowers, you got company my dear. I am sailing in the same boat as you except that I'm struggling right now to get a job as well. And I'm 35...I keep telling myself that God has a plan for each one of us...Better days ahead, don't lose hope.

[sunday2010]

I'm 36 and panicking lost my realtionship of 3 years and 10 months ist devastating.

 

don't lose hope 31 isn't that old try 36 and then you'll really be worried

[NightLily]

I'll be 31 this year and I have yet go on a date.

 

This surprises me as I have liked a number of your posts here.

 

April-I don't know how old you are but your feelings are perfectly normal. It is hard when you no longer live with a family or flat mates and you spend your evenings alone. It highlights that you don't have a boyfriend or fiance so you think you need that to fill the hole. Perhaps focus on getting out more or making friends and that will add some happiness to your life but maybe even bring you to your future boyfriend

 

It is never too late and you are never too old to fall in love.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You shouldn't be ashamed that you are single...sure lots of people are married..but how many of them are actually happy in their marriage. Wait a few years and those same attached people might end up being single again. There is nothing wrong with being single except for society's pressure to be part of a couple...one of the reasons why there are so many marriages of convenience. You need to learn to find joy in doing things solo.

[BriarRose]

My ex remarried, boyfriends move on. It's hard, confusing work dating! But I am still going home alone at night, and eating dinner alone at 10 pm and all that stuff. People say be patient, stop worrying. A therapist told me (scary!) I may never find someone, and that's life. I feel inadequate cuz I don't have a wedding ring. Is this nuts - or common?

 

 

Sweetie, while being single can be lonely and frustrating, it most certainly is nothing to be ashamed of. And I don't know about that therapist - seems like kind of a negative thing he/she said to you. Most people do find someone. Not everyone, but most people.

[FathomFear]

This surprises me as I have liked a number of your posts here.

 

Gay + small town + not overly attractive = really, really bad combination. Doesn't really matter what else you have going in your favour.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Gay + small town + not overly attractive = really, really bad combination. Doesn't really matter what else you have going in your favour.

 

I usually like your advices too. You should move to a big city if you can.

[aprilflowers]

Thank you for your wisdom, folks. I think we can sometimes have the biggest battles with ourselves, particularly when it boils down to the simple fact we are lonely in a chaotic culture that emphasizes couplehood but DENIES the old fashioend ways to attain it.

 

I am slowly learning to recognize when I am beating up on myself, or if I don't appreciate what I have. But I sure don't like those "alone" moments. Maybe it's like crate training a dog??? I'll get used to it??

 

Still, there are old girl friends who just seemed to sail into happy and fulfilling married life with all those photos that make us single folks feel melancholy. Or hopeless. My ex husband remarried years ago to a much younger girl; they've struggled but they are still married and now have 2 kids

 

I think maybe the remedy lies, as you have suggested, in reaching out to a wide range of people. Not easy, I'm not good at it. But I'll try.

[Leftright]

Maybe you need to start helping other people. It helps when you are feeling down. Gives you a broader perspective on life, and that good feeling that you've made a difference. Try volunteering. That's better than moping around.

 

-Leftright

[Philos]

My ex remarried, boyfriends move on. It's hard, confusing work dating! But I am still going home alone at night, and eating dinner alone at 10 pm and all that stuff. People say be patient, stop worrying. A therapist told me (scary!) I may never find someone, and that's life. I feel inadequate cuz I don't have a wedding ring. Is this nuts - or common?

 

Not everyone finds that 'one'. Some people have and lost the 'one' earlier in their life.

 

Tough.

[BriarRose]

Your loneliness feels like a double whammy knowing your ex is happily married. But in a few years, he may be divorced and you may be the one happily married. Change is constant.

[Jeremy21]

Gay + small town + not overly attractive = really, really bad combination. Doesn't really matter what else you have going in your favour.

 

If it helps anything (and this may be off-base, but it's my general impression), it might actually be a bit easier for you to still find a relationship at 31 as a gay man than as a straight one. A straight guy, the older he gets, starts to be judged rather harshly if he hasn't been in a relationship yet, and it's more difficult to find someone accepting of such an anomaly (even though it seems to be much more common than is acknowledged). On the other hand, the gay community is continually full of people just becoming aware or accepting of their own sexuality, so it's relatively common for people to not enter their first relationship until relatively late in life. I'm straight, so again, take what I say with a pretty large grain of salt, but that's just my impression. I would say though that it would probably help to get out of your small town if you can.

 

To the original poster: you're not alone, although I would probably de-emphasize the "ring" part of it if possible. The important thing is finding a relationship and general lifestyle that suits you, not so much matching up with the exact current experiences of your exes and peers. Them being married, having kids, etc doesn't inherently make them happier than you, whether you're single or in a loving relationship that doesn't happen to involve a ring (yet or ever). But I know what you mean. I hate to say this, but some small part of me was almost glad when my sister's recent (short) relationship didn't quite last, if only because it meant that I'm no longer the only single person I know.

[BriarRose]

Aprilflowers, are you doing okay?