Why does it hurt worse when you find out the truth later?

[Islandia]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading on this forum for a while after my breakup with my ex-girlfriend 3 months ago, but never really had the courage to post since my breakup seemed so mundane and boring compared to most. We were together for three years, engaged for 1 and a half, and getting ready for a wedding this fall (I'm 30 and she is 25). Life seemed almost idyllic, and our relationship could not have been happier or more secure even in February of this year (affection and the little things that you do when you are happy in a relationship were clearly evident during the holidays).

 

Then all of a sudden, a few changes in her life really completely devastated her and our relationship suffered as a result. She was fired from her job, and at first seemed to take it really hard and spiraled into a depressive mood. She also started hanging out with some new friends that she had met at work, and one guy in particular even staying out overnight during an Olympics party. Even though I felt wary of this at the time, I have always trusted her, and didn't want to think badly of her or that incident when she told me that she was just tired and fell asleep.

 

Things really started trending more and more negatively after this, culminating in our long planned vacation to visit my parents ending in a very uncomfortable few days. After getting back, we had the talk, where she basically, while crying the whole time, told me that she wanted to break up, but didn't want to lose me forever. I asked why she couldn't really come up with a reason. So I asked her if it was because she wanted to see other people (and specifically mentioned this other guy that she had been hanging out with). She adamantly refuted that and said that he was too good of a friend for her to have romantic feelings towards. Finally she decided that she had been in a relationship for so long, that she didn't really know herself and wanted to "find herself" for a while, by being single. Although I was not very happy with this reason, I accepted it and wished her the best. I did not want to shackle her to a relationship that she was clearly not happy in, and we parted in a civil manner, and promised to keep in contact.

 

I initially attributed this breakup to her depression and wanting time to really rediscover herself, so I didn't go no contact. Instead I would speak to her every two weeks, to see how she was doing and let her know what I was up to. This continued for about about a month before I decided to tell her that she was not really making any effort to stay in touch, and I didn't want to continue to intrude. She responded back almost immediately and told me that she didn't want to lose me forever, and that we would be in touch, so I let it go at that and continued this low contact for the next while. Although I was a wreck the day we broke up, I realized pretty quickly that I needed to heal and that she needed time to herself to grow up. I really started to heal and was feeling quite good about the direction of my life, and my state of health (I started going back to the gym religiously as I had let myself go a bit in the relationship and am now back to my pre-relationship weight). Things were looking up for me and although I would have liked to reconcile, I was not really expecting to nor really planning on it, but I guess I did hold out some hope.

 

Fast forward to 3 months later, I happened upon some pictures her friends posted of her with that other guy that was "too good of a friend." I will spare the sordid details, but those pictures were like a stab in the back for me. The pain that I felt upon seeing that is pretty much indescribable. I immediately shot her and email and just asked her why she couldn't tell me the truth, and she replied back that she wanted to tell me, but that she thought she was doing what was best for me by not letting me know that she was seeing someone else and she was sorry basically that I had to find out that way. Obviously at that point, there was nothing more to be said that would be productive so I just once more wished her the best and hoped she found what she was missing.

 

Unfortunately this revelation shattered my entire image of her, one in which I always trusted and respected her decisions and opinions. I had started healing, based on a certain interpretation of the events surrounding our breakup that has now been totally upended. She betrayed me, and the pain from that is worse than any pain from the break up itself. Strangely, I don't feel angry with her, but really upset about being so dense. (Now that other guy, I'm completely pissed at - he knew she was engaged to be married and intentionally broke up our relationship because he had a crush on her). I just want to know if I can ever trust again after something like this. I'm pretty sure this new rebound or whatever the heck you want to call it is not going to last as that guy definitely seems sleazy and of questionable moral character, but that thought is not much comfort to me now that I've been so disillusioned.

 

Thanks for reading that huge monologue and really I think that I just want to know why I feel worse today than I did when we first broke up. This will also hold me accountable for no contact from this point forward, as I just can't think of any possible reason for me to speak to her again.

[guynextdoor]

Shouldve stuck with your gut instinct my friend. I'm sorry you had to find out the hard way instead of hearing it from her. Stick with NC and stay focus on yourself. Give it time to heal..

[faithful14]

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

 

She should have been honest with you but she didn't.

 

In a way, as heartbreaking as it is, at least you didn't marry the woman. She seems to think it's okay to be dishonest and hop from one relationship to another. That's not right. Be glad she is not your problem anymore.

 

Who knows, she could do the same thing to this guy that she is with.

[bwhite00]

Brother that is brutal and I truly feel your pain. You've approached the split from a very noble angle and for that you deserve praise. Keep working on improving your life and after ADEQUATE time I promise your pain will subside.

 

Do yourself a favor and keep your head up because from the sound of it she is going to lose a great person in her life. Also don't torture yourself by looking at her online profile.

[FootofGod]

Might as well assume the worst about your ex but don't act on it. That way, you're probably going to get better new than you expect, but you won't act a fool in light of it.

 

My ex, also, lied to me so much and broke my trust. She is the LAST person in the world I could see any of this coming from. That's the hard thing is she was really so honest and trustworthy that I don't know how I could trust again. You just have to put yourself out there. Even the most trustworthy person in the world can change and make the wrong decisions at a whim. There are no guarantees. You just have to grow thick skin and know you may always be forsaken and find strength in yourself. Be the only person in the world who will not forsake you, because you're the only one you can truly say won't.

[baxxter]

You sounds like a really, really nice guy, and it's a huge shame this girl made you into a bitter guy who will not trust, for now anyway.

 

Please, and I mean, please, do not hold it against your next girl. Your ex betrayed you, and you did not cause her to do this, she clearly went for some lust (and I assure you she will come crawling back) and threw away the good thing. This girl is messed up, and you WILL be thankful one day that you did not marry her. So please do not stop being who you are, and keep being the genuine guy when you meet someone new.

 

Good luck x

[MalibuOne]

You asked why it feels worse now than when you initially broke up. Do you think you could be upset with yourself for "not seeing what was going on" when the signs were there? Feeling foolish and naive for trusting? So now, instead of just sadness for having suffered a loss, you also have to face the question of "how could I possibly have been so blind?". Because if you are, don't. I feel that way too and posters here have made me realize that it's human to want to believe the best about someone you cared deeply for.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[itsallgrand]

Your anger needs to be directed to where it belongs. Her.

 

It's not the other guy who did it. It's not you. It's her.

 

I think before you can heal, you'll have to face up to that anger that she is actually the cause of - no one else.

 

Maybe you find it easier to be pissed at yourself and the other guy, bc that way you can hold on to the idea of her being as you saw her before and hopes of getting back with her.

 

But I think your anger is really misdirected right now. It's only naturally to be pissed off at her after she betrayed you. How can you deal with it if you don't let yourself feel it the way it really is?

 

tc.

[Tangz]

Oh man this sounds exactly like my story with the same timing and everything!

 

Long relationship, break up. She gave me her word that this other guy she 'had tiny feelings for' nothing was going on. I stay in light contact (like you).

I work on myself and things start to look up early on (like you). I accept the break up, I am happy that we are friends and we haven't both quite moved on yet (obviously want her back though) and just happy there is no one else involved. I work out, I become a better person. I idolise her for being good to me post break up.

However I decide that I just want to move on now. I have a feeling she is just wanting to keep me around as we dont exactly hang out and its not good that I hang onto hope and want her back when she just wants me but doesn't want to be with me. I dont want her to have her cake and eat it. I tell her this, she tells me she doesn;t want to loose me, she cant understand why we cant be friends blah blah.

 

I learn two nights ago that she was actually having sex with this guy not long after the break up even though she PROMISED she wouldn't hurt me or move on in that way so quick after the break. She also denied many times that this was happening and reassured they are "just friends". Infact at FIRST she denied she even had feelings for him and I ended up reading her emails to find out she did have feelings - it was after that she denied anything else would happen so it was just lies after lies. She didn't want to tell me because she knew I would be upset.

 

Instantly she is knocked of her pedastill and my image of her as near perfect is shattered (like you). I go back to feeling like crap after such good progress had been made. I cant believe she hurt me, I was convinced she would never do this to me and convinced that she still loved me enough that she wouldn't get involved with a guy like that so early - i dont know what hurts more her being able to do that and move on so quickly or her lieing about it and not telling me.

 

I am hoping to get the final laugh though as this guy has gone back to his home country (and she said he was kind of a * * * * in the end) and she is now house sitting and alone by herself for the first time in her life. She also doesn't want to loose me and has been confused about me and her lately. This is the perfect timing to pull the rug out from under her.

 

Anyway the important thing is that you have closure that this woman isn't as you thought her to be and you should now be filled with the strength AND REASON to move on.

 

Not meaning to hi jack your thread I just wanted to share my similar story.

[Islandia]

Thank you everyone for the great responses so far. Just writing all that down has already helped me come to terms with it, and I'm realizing now that whether I had found out initially or now, I would still be suffering this sense of betrayal. I guess it is better that I did find out instead of being married to her and then having this happen.

 

I will also try to respond to some of the specific questions when I can clear my head a bit. I'm still somewhat in shock after all this unfolded this past weekend, so it is difficult to articulate everything well.

[sunday2010]

all the best/I have an inkling that my ex cheated on me but i'm not sure.he hooked up .....pretty quickly with some girl that I knew about or of and I just have a feeling thats why he dumped me besides other issues.they usually don't dump you unless they have somebody else.

 

I have no respect for him at all now.

[Tangz]

Never trust your ex!

[bluberry]

just found out yesterday that my ex got together with the girl he cheated on with when he was with me 3 weeks after the break up. We were dating for 6years and when i found out he cheated in feb, i still took him back only to be dumped for that girl.

 

i really do feel you pain. i was getting along fine and better until i found out he lied (he broke it up saying there's nobody etc etc). It's like a stab in your heart the betrayal. like everything was a lie.

 

i hope you feel better.

[rigguy]

Hi Islandia, could have written this same exact story myself, word for word. It is mind boggling lengths dumpers will go to mask their true intensions in pursuit of alleviating their guilt. It is unfortunate they can't see past their own comfort. After a considerable time investment everyone is entitled to a straight forward explanation in my opinion. After a while, I found comfort in idea that I am glad I am no longer dating a lier. Although your better judgment was clouded by her lies, your initial instincts were spot on. Hope you get passed it soon, cheer up, Riggy

[Islandia]

It's amazing what even one day does to change my perspective. I had refused to be angry with her yesterday; we never really fought in our relationship, and perhaps in some ways I was always a bit too accommodating of her wants and needs. After reading all these posts, I realize that there is no way I can not at least assign some blame to her actions.

 

I do think a lot of my pain does have to do with thinking that I could not possibly have been so blind, and that if I had confronted her more forcefully earlier, things may have been worked out. That is the part that I can't quite let go of yet - I already know that I do not want this woman back in my life, just re-evaluating the last few conversations we had, I can see how she was building an entire foundation of lies that she then had to cover up with more lies in order to continue to paint a certain picture to me. And yet at the same time, I feel like if I had just done something sooner, I could have avoided all this.

 

On the bright side, now I can move forward one way or another. And my time and money are finally my own again. Anyone interested in buying a slightly used 2 carat ideal cut diamond engagement ring?

[Tangz]

Hey mate. Be angry at her.

 

I was the same, on Monday I got a bit angry then calmed down and kinda told her it was okay (but told her she has to prove to me that she deserves to be in my life). It was her just saying the right stuff to me and her not thinking what she has done is so selfish so I was feeling like I was in the wrong about being angry at her, well newsflash SHE is the wrong and I HAVE THE RIGHT to be angry. I spoke to my friends (who are her friends also so its not bias) and they all agree that I have the right to be angry, what she did was wrong and I should cease friendship.

 

She is not perfect and you deserve better so be angry at them or you will forgive them too soon and develop the perfect image of her again.

[Psychomagnet]

Never trust your ex!

=PROTIP!

 

to answer the headline: finding out the truth later adds in feelings of betrayal, hopefully making you ANGRY enough to next her and start the healing....but obviously I didn't need to tell you that thank god!

 

"On the bright side, now I can move forward one way or another. And my time and money are finally my own again."

 

again WTG!!!

[MalibuOne]

Islandia, this way madness lies. If you start what if-ing yourself and condemning yourself for "being blind" you'll make yourself crazy. Because arguably, even if you had known then what you know now, the outcome may very well have been the same. I'm maybe not a good one to advise, since I alternate between rage and despair at this point, but in my more lucid moments I know that reconstructing the past with a different set of facts just makes for sleepless nights, tears and frustration.

 

Yes, she did wrong. Knowing that now won't change it. Knowing that you don't want her back makes dwelling on it superfluous. Cut yourself some slack. We are always so much harder on ourselves than we deserve.

[Takotsubo]

We are always so much harder on ourselves than we deserve.

 

Totally. I feel you on this, OP. I had the same thing happen to me. The people did you a service to show you what you should do if you are ever in this moment : be honest and tell the truth. You're going to be okay.

[LousySpy]

Condolences from here too, Islandia. Really sorry you were betrayed and as awful as it feels right now, please try to realise that you probably dodged a bullet in the long run. However long it takes, hopefully you eventually come to terms with the fact that you were likely spared considerably worse than if you had gone on to marry.

 

I'm in a similar position where I was given similar reasons for breaking up but my gut knew the truth. Heck, I even caught her in the act (though not physically) and she still tried to alleviate her guilt by associating that instance as mere coincidence for her wanting to break up. It's one thing trying to let someone down gently to avoid hurting their feelings, but it's another where they blatantly lie when you actually ask them for the truth. Sadly, that's when she became a different person to me. Always trust your gut.

 

Take care man. There's so many people out there that won't do the same to you.

[sunday2010]

yeah if things don't tally up theres a reason for it.When we're in that moment fo the breakup we can' see straight.I knew there was more a a story behind my breakup and I didn't need a tarot reader to tell me it but they did anyway!!!! LOL

[bluberry]

yeah if things don't tally up theres a reason for it.When we're in that moment fo the breakup we can' see straight.I knew there was more a a story behind my breakup and I didn't need a tarot reader to tell me it but they did anyway!!!! LOL

 

a tarot card reader told you he cheateD?

[sunday2010]

a tarot card reader told you he cheateD?

 

Yup she did the tarot cards heard my story and said Yes there is betrayal in the cards.I'm not joking and 5 weeks later i found out he was hooked uip with some girl I had suspicions on, the traot card reader said that I would find out and I did.this girl I had run into on the streets where they worked and would of seen each other quite abit,this girl he hooked up with asked me earlier this year how I was going living in the new country town and all and i said it was hard and I hadn't found work, she piped up oh I will call your BF if i hear of anything.WEll why did she have his number??I didn't think he knew her that well. I was shocked she said that to me and I got a bit worried but had forgotten it all as troubles kept brewing... and sure enough that little pang of worry I felt was right on the ball.

 

Don't ever ignore your gut feelings people... you'll pay in the end.

[ElleB]

Wow I'm so sorry you had to find out this way.... But I do believe, you were meant to find out... you were healing but in a different way prior to this knowledge, and because you held her in such high esteem that's maybe why you progressed so quickly. Though ultimately the healing was flawed... Now you KNOW the truth you can begin to heal again safely knowing what an idiot she is and how you deserve better. All the things you tell yourself at the beginning to help comfort yourself and move on "I deserve better", "It's better I found out now than 5 years down the line", or "things happen for a reason" .. now you know for sure that all of that is true.

 

When you think of her you can attach to it this heartwrenching but solid knowledge of her downfall, and use it to propel you onwards and upwards.

 

Don't beat yourself up either for letting yourself believe someone you loved. It is a good quality, just misplaced in this instance.

 

Be strong and transform this negative horrible experience into something that will better you in the long run Good luck!

[Islandia]

Today is our 3 year anniversary... I remember the day, the hour, the very moment three years ago when I asked you to be my girlfriend and you said yes. We were walking along the road near the Toronto airport, slowly making our way back to the hotel after a wonderful dinner date. I knew then that all I ever wanted was to be with you. I will always cherish that memory, even knowing that you are no longer the perfect angel that I remember. Time and knowledge can not taint that one perfect moment we shared, and for that I wish you all happiness.