Contact from ex, 2 years after breakup.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Mentee,

 

I had a couple of dates, but to be honest I was not much into it, my ex was still too much on my mind. Thanks

[Radeon]

The part that raised the red flag for me was when she told you that she's too busy dealing with her own problems to care about anyone elses.

 

That's an understandable way to deal with life, but usually when you've created someone's problems, or you were part of them, you'd care a little bit. Sounds to me like she's completely justified her actions (hurting you) in her head, and doesn't want to have to accept any responsibility or blame for it. That attitude will never let a relationship flourish.

[sadcomposer]

I agree. If ever she wants me back, the first thing she will have to do is fess up. She can justify her actions, explain herself, I don't have a problem with that, but I need to feel that she is genuiely sorry. Not sure that will happen.

[sadcomposer]

I have not heard from her since. Today is her birthday and I wonder if I should send her a short email wishing her a happy birthday. Any advice?

[Brownstone322]

Today is her birthday and I wonder if I should send her a short email wishing her a happy birthday. Any advice?

Yeah: Don't lift a finger. Don't even think about it.

[jimmajam]

I have not heard from her since. Today is her birthday and I wonder if I should send her a short email wishing her a happy birthday. Any advice?

 

Yeah: Don't lift a finger. Don't even think about it.

 

If you do send a birthday message, keep it as short as possible; It doesn't seem like you were all that pleased with the last contact. "I just realized today was your birthday, so happy birthday! Have a good one." I can understand wanting to send a birthday message to someone even if you are broken up. I did it after 7 months of no contact.

 

If you don't send one, it's kind of like you said earlier - If one "mistake" on my part is going to keep her from feeling for you again or getting back together, we probably shouldn't get back together. When you break up nothing should be expected anymore anyway and it shouldn't be taken personally. It's technically over.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Jimmajam.

 

Brownstone, why not? You are the one who said I should not expect her to come right out. I never responded to her last email, not exactly understanding what she was saying. So by sending a very short email, I am letting her know that if she wants, she can write me more and then take it from there?

[Brownstone322]

Brownstone, why not? You are the one who said I should not expect her to come right out. I never responded to her last email, not exactly understanding what she was saying. So by sending a very short email, I am letting her know that if she wants, she can write me more and then take it from there?

There's a difference between her not revealing her intentions to you (which almost no one would do up front) and you taking the initiative based on a tiny effort from her.

 

Before you initiate any kind of contact, she's gonna have to try a little harder than she has. For all you know her previous contact was just a random pleasantry. If she wants to start something more than that, then the impetus lies with her, not you. Don't do it.

[beautifulangel]

I think she is testing you... I strogly feel that by telling you that she is Single, she is hoping that YOU will take the initiative and propose to her again... MAybe she has too much Pride to bend and say that she wants you. A friendly advice is BE CAREFUL!!! I know you love her and we too would be happy for you to have her, but be very sure what she wants from you... It's very easy for them to send an email after two long years without realizing what she made you go through... Remember the hurt she caused you, play your cards well too... Hoping the best for you pal.

[sadcomposer]

Well, I have all day to think about it. Anyone else's opinion is appreciated. The irony is that she broke up with me exactly 2 years ago the day before her birthday.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Angel. Yeah she did hurt me a lot. But I do think she was trying to open a door, and maybe my responses sent a message that I wanted nothing to do with her. Thanks again.

[beautifulangel]

HI Aagain,

Even I was in a steady relationship with my ex for a little more than two years. Though there were minor issues, really small issues but she still left me for another guy. She was preparing me for the break up, but never told me that she had already had a guy in her life already...And i was always under the impression that now she too has settled in the relationship and we will together live a great life together... But there it went fuss... Madam just went on to another guy... So please be careful...

[beautifulangel]

If you think she was trying to open a door than I suggest you wait for her next contact reply to her saying you are coming to where she stays for some work... tell her that you will be having lunch/coffee at so and so place and since she has asked for the recepie, she can prepare the dish and get some for you as well... Use Humour... to break the ice again and lets see how it goes from there.

[snoopydog]

Say happy birthday. If she doesn't respond then at least you know and won't always be wondering if you should have reached out.

[Cadence44]

"To be honest, I did not ask myself any questions. If you knew how much I have simplified my life now. I leave other people to resolve their own demons, and I preoccupy myself only with mine, that I get in order now quickly! Life is short and I now focus on the pleasures that life offers me today."

 

I wouldn't send birthday wishes to someone who is proud of being self-involved. I'd continue to move on. I don't think you're missing out on much.

[Brownstone322]

"To be honest, I did not ask myself any questions. If you knew how much I have simplified my life now. I leave other people to resolve their own demons, and I preoccupy myself only with mine, that I get in order now quickly! Life is short and I now focus on the pleasures that life offers me today."

 

I wouldn't send birthday wishes to someone who is proud of being self-involved. I'd continue to move on. I don't think you're missing out on much.

I know, right. It's as if she thinks self-absorption is a badge of honor. I'd pass.

[sadcomposer]

Like I wrote earlier in the thread, I have a hard time translating properly. Basically that sentence can be taken two ways. Either it means she is very selfish, or it can also mean that she has simplified her life and can now accept people as they are. Which was a big problem in our relationship.

 

Anyways, I sent her a very short email saying happy birthday.

 

She answered. Here is my attempt at the translation.

 

"Oh!!! Your are so nice "my name"!!! Thanks so much to have thought about it and taking the time to write me!! Very nice of you....

 

I had my party and had tons of compliments about your recipe!!! So a thousand thanks!!! I will be serving it to my parents who are visiting this saturday! It is SO good!

 

Take care,

 

Ex"

 

I answered. It's pleasure! Regards to your parents. Regards

 

Me

 

So, I'm happy with whatever happens, the ball is in her court and I believe the ice is now broken.

[tnmom66]

Well, that sounded warmer and sweeter. But I'd be wary of this one.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey Composer,

 

I remember your story from way back and I just have a couple of thoughts.

 

I think when we want to get back with someone, we can think things like "the ball is in her court." But you've been broken up with her for two years ... there may no longer even be a game. That is enough time to get over someone and to move on. I just want you to consider that.

 

... Especially in light of some of the issues surrounding your breakup. You are an alcoholic. And although you may have been sober since the breakup, you were not sober at the time. This is what you said after she broke up:

 

 

 

You were not in a healthy place back then.

 

Also, recall you said that she had some issues herself.

 

 

 

I said it back then and I'll say it now ... perhaps it was a breakup that needed to happen.

[sadcomposer]

Maybe it was. I'm ok with whatever happens now.

[Cadence44]

Oh wow. That shines a while new light on things. Her statement about leaving alone the demons of other people makes much more sense now.

 

Sadcomposer, how are you doing these days? If I may ask a really personal question - is the alcohol still a problem for you?

[sadcomposer]

Yes, we must keep things in perspective Ms Darcy,

 

I certainly was not in a good place. My gf referred to me as a drug addict and chronic alcoholic. And I SO wanted to please her, that I just agreed with my tongue hanging out. I was a real doormat.

 

For the last 25 years I have played as a pro musician, touring etc.. and I had that lifestyle when she met me. A lot more partying than most people. But I was always responsible. My ex just had never seen that kind of lifestyle. It was fun at first, but she got scared and way insecure.

 

I had joint custody of my daughter, who is now 20 years old. I think my ex was jealous of my relationship with my daughter. My ex is now 47 and has never had children.

 

Well, the famous relapse was a night with a six pack sitting beside a fire in my backyard. (remember I was drinking my six pack once a month, for six months!!! What man would accept those conditions?)

 

Because she was out of town when I went on my "binge", (6 beers by the fire pit, in my own backyard) when I told her she FREAKED out. ( good reason to shut up men, but then again if you have to hide, she is probably not the girl)

 

So yeah, issues on both our sides.

 

So what are you saying, a breakup that needed to happen in order to both grow and accept each other, or a breakup because it just was not meant to be?

 

Cadence44, I'm back to playing music and living my life. My relationship with my daughter and my family is where it's at for me. Yeah I party more now then when I was with ex. But not even close to when she met me. Good thing! Thanks

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, we must keep things in perspective Ms Darcy,

 

So yeah, issues on both our sides.

 

So what are you saying, a breakup that needed to happen in order to both grow and accept each other, or a breakup because it just was not meant to be?

 

That might be a question that's more appropriate for you to answer. Think of it this way:

 

1. She views you as an addict and an alcoholic. (I'm not sure if you agree.)
   
2. You feel like she overreacted to your drinking. You seem to have different levels of comfort with the drinking.
   
3. You feel she was jealous of your relationship with your daughter.
   
4. She is not comfortable with your lifestyle.
   

 

Addiction perceptions, child-relationship, lifestyle differences ... honey these are major differences. At this point, I don't think it matters if either one of you are 'right' per se. You don't seem to see eye-to-eye in life. That's all I'm saying.

[Brownstone322]

That might be a question that's more appropriate for you to answer. Think of it this way:

 

1. She views you as an addict and an alcoholic. (I'm not sure if you agree.)
   
2. You feel like she overreacted to your drinking. You seem to have different levels of comfort with the drinking.
   
3. You feel she was jealous of your relationship with your daughter.
   
4. She is not comfortable with your lifestyle.
   

Addiction perceptions, child-relationship, lifestyle differences ... honey these are major differences. At this point, I don't think it matters if either one of you are 'right' per se. You don't seem to see eye-to-eye in life. That's all I'm saying.

I didn't exercise the due diligence to investigate the back story. People I've known who've endured a relationship with alcoholism would never, ever go back to it, and the more time that passes post-breakup, the more relieved they are that they're away from that quagmire.

[sadcomposer]

I didn't exercise the due diligence to investigate the back story. People I've known who've endured a relationship with alcoholism would never, ever go back to it, and the more time that passes post-breakup, the more relieved they are that they're away from that quagmire.

 

Maybe, so why would she make contact if that is the case? And like I said, enjoying a good beer does not make me an alcoholic. It was all a question of control for her.