Contact from ex, 2 years after breakup.

[sadcomposer]

We have had only 3 contacts in the last 2 years. One was back in november 09, see this thread for details.

 

 

 

The other two contacts were emails in dec 2009 and march 2010 where she says she referred some customers to me. I never got a call from either customers.

 

Now last week she wrote me an email to ask about a recipe I make and that she used to love. She goes on to tell me how she is doing with her life. The last time we wrote in Nov 09, she told me she did not want contact with me because she did not want to compromise her relationship. I complied.

 

But now I wonder why she writes to me for a recipe you can find by the thousands on the internet. Her email is full of inuendos about how nice it was when we were together. Nothing direct, very subtle. Could be just friendly.

 

So I wrote her back with the recipe. I added a PS saying. "I must admit I am surprised that you are writing to me, I thought you did not want to compromise your relationship?"

 

She answered back thanking me about the recipe and telling me more about her life. Then she said that there was no more relationship to compromise, she left the guy 4 months ago.

 

So I answered back. "Ok, the pleasure is mine for the recipe, bon appétit!" and let it go fom there.

 

I was hoping she would write again and try to open the door a bit wider, because I want her to make the first move, but it's been over a week now and I have not heard from her.

 

Any suggestions?

[dancingcolors]

Forget it. Sounds like she will only hurt you again. Selfish.

[sadcomposer]

Well, if she does not write again, I will know you are right. Thanks Dancingcolors

[the_dawn]

Hi composer,

 

could be many things, she might've had enough time to notice the loss, she might be feeling lonely, she might be looking for a friend, looking for that connection you both had or she might've been looking for that recipe, simple as that. It is hard to guess really.

 

Would you be interested in getting back together? have you moved on?

 

the_dawn

[sadcomposer]

Well, sure I would like to get back together, I don't want friendship. I am moved on at 90%, but I still love her. I hate games, but I know she will not just come out and say let's meet and talk, I made a mistake. I just don't know how to approach this without knowing her intentions. I have a feeling she will write again, I guess I will go from there. I am not going out on a limb, the initiative has to come from her.

[Ms Darcy]

Although I don't normally advocate this (and would only suggest this if you would be ok if she didn't want a relationship), I might just ask her for a casual lunch.

 

If she doesn't move it forward from there, I would leave it alone.

[sadcomposer]

I won't ask her out until she tells me her intentions. If all she wants is friendship, I'm not interested.

[Brownstone322]

I won't ask her out until she tells me her intentions. If all she wants is friendship, I'm not interested.

I seriously doubt she's just gonna "tell you her intentions." People don't generally do that (and for obvious reasons).

 

If she contacts you some more, maybe you should suggest lunch (or maybe she'll take that initiative). But she's probably not gonna show you her cards up front, as it were. Why would she (or anyone) do that?

 

Point is, even if she does show renewed interest in you, you're probably gonna have to take some risks.

[dreamygirl]

I think that she is testing you out to see if you are still interested in a relationship. From your reply, she might think that you are not. From your post, I don't think that she is looking for friendship but you never know. She won't tell you exactly what she wants unless you spend some time together or give her some encouragment. She may be afraid of rejection.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Brownstone and dreamy girl. I realize that she might be afraid of rejection, just like I am. I know that my reply was kinda short and not very friendly. The reason is that this is what she wrote to me word for word.

 

"There is no more relationship to compromise, I left the guy 4 months ago. But that would not of kept me from asking you for the recipe."

 

That made me feel like all she wants is the stupid recipe. I don't know what to do now. Even if I was to make another contact, I don't know what to say.

[jimmajam]

Well she is definitely up to something, but it's hard to say what until she gives you more clues. I don't think you contact someone after 2 years at random for a recipe, lol. Don't get you hopes up though, maybe she still cares about you, maybe she's feeling lonely and wants to get in touch with something familiar. I think you're doing right and letting her come to you, but like others said don't be afraid to ask her to lunch or something if she contacts you again. She has to have a motive one way or the other and there is really only one way to find out what it is - interact.

[juxa]

we could be a little more distinctive about where she is in her own head. I would shed my own theory only based on what you have said in this thread... So here goes.

 

She's your ex and you have history. She thinks she knows you and believes she has a right to you in some form. You have shown that is the case by just handing over what she wants. She feels that she can send another email of any variety and get a likely response from you. from her language she sounds confident and in a subtle way is testing the water. What you must remember is you are ex's and you are both vulnerable to eachother because you both know eachother very well... People generally speaking don't like to feel like they could be leaving themselves open to emotional attack.. whether that be just in their head or actually true often doesn't matter. I would not call her or message her with intentions to try and rebuild something until she shows intentions of wanting the same. Unless you are happy for her to be aloof with her real intentions and play the guessing game I would hold back and have some pride in yourself because it really sounds like she doesn't respect you enough.

 

Did she ask how you were and what you were up to?

did she actually show a sincere interest in your well being?

 

I do believe that unless that person has made a real effort to shift their attitude into a gear where they can forgive and forget and respect you enough to leave you alone or actually want to have something more im afraid it's little more than an act of self indulgence.

 

I would continue to live your life and not respond to emails unless they actually have solid direction in their context.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Jimmajam, interaction is where it's at. Just not sure I want it or not.

[sadcomposer]

Juxa, are you psychic or very wise? I cannot count how many times you have hit the nail in your post. I wished you had written this before I wrote to her again, thanks very much, all is not lost.

 

Comp

[MalibuOne]

I seriously doubt she's just gonna "tell you her intentions." People don't generally do that (and for obvious reasons).

 

If she contacts you some more, maybe you should suggest lunch (or maybe she'll take that initiative). But she's probably not gonna show you her cards up front, as it were. Why would she (or anyone) do that?

 

Point is, even if she does show renewed interest in you, you're probably gonna have to take some risks.

 

You know your ex and her personality better than anyone here, obviously, but when I read what you wrote, I see her writing you in March (around the time her relationship ended?) and then again now for something she could easily have gotten elsewhere. She is thinking about you and wanted some contact, is what I took away from that.

 

If I were her and got the casual response you gave, I wouldn't write back and say, "hey, I'm wondering if you want to rekindle?" I'd feel rejected and think, "nope, he sure didn't want to hear from me" and move on. But that's just me, you know her best, so go with your gut feeling.

[sadcomposer]

Ok I replied this morning, just could not help myself. Here is what I wrote, it's a translation because we communicate in another language.

 

Hi "Ex",

 

Was the recipe a success? I hope so. Maybe you thought that my last message was curt and distant. I did not quite know how to respond, you really took me by surprise. I have gone through a lot of sadness and now protect my heart like never before.

 

Yes, it's very warm here as well, I get all sweaty just walking around the shop, with air conditioning!!!

 

A very nice summer to you as well, take care.

 

Me,

[sadcomposer]

She wrote back, within an hour, here is the translation.

 

Hi "ex",

 

Just got back from rollerblading 25 kilometers!! It's really nice out and I am sweating too!!! I really appreciate my iPod when rollerblading!! ( I gave her the iPod and programmed it for her)

 

I did not find you distant. To be honest, I did not ask myself any questions. If you knew how much I have simplified my life now. I leave other people to resolve their own demons, and I preoccupy myself only with mine, that I get in order now quickly! Life is short and I now focus on the pleasures that life offers me today.

 

So, about the famous recipe, my friend has postponed her party, so I have not tried it yet. I hope to serve it to my parents as well when they come to visit 2 weeks from now.

 

I am leaving for "generic town name" to walk with my brother.

 

Take care,

 

Say Hi to ( names three of my siblings, my parents and everybody else)

 

Ex

[sadcomposer]

Juxa, I read, and reread your post and everything is right there no? You're helping me, thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

The way I read your email, you were way too open and semi-apologetic/self-conscious about your response. The way I read her response, it was somewhat dismissive, like "Hey, I didn't read your email as curt. But then again, I don't care about your issues so I wouldn't let it bother me."

 

Not a very good sign, I think. I would stop contacting this one.

[sadcomposer]

Yeah, well, now moderators delete posts before I can read them. I never lodged a complaint? Never even saw those posts?

 

Anyways Ms Darcy and Juxa, thanks.

 

I believe that I might have opened up too much too soon, but you know, if one mistake on my part will decide wether we should be together or not, we should not be. I think all of this has helped, I can now see her, and relationships, more clearly.

 

If you want to have a good long lasting relationship, you have to let go of your basic instinctual selfishness. Not all the time, just enough to make it work.

 

I believe it's not that difficult, you just need two willing persons.

 

She will write again, let's hope I can stay serene. I'm getting there, and it's cool!

 

I might actually move to the healing forum!!! (nah, not yet)

[Ms Darcy]

I believe that I might have opened up too much too soon, but you know, if one mistake on my part will decide wether we should be together or not, we should not be.

 

I completely agree. Her email response to you really rubbed me the wrong way and was not very open for communication with you.

[rapunzel]

Yes, it sounds like she was out for a little ego boost by communicating with you, to see what kind of a response she would get. And sorry to say this, but I also agree that you were too honest and made yourself too vulnerable with your email to her. If there is one thing I've learned from this forum (and in fact, there are many things) it is that (especially if you are the dumpee) honesty is not always the best policy after a breakup, nor is wearing your heart on your sleeve. And I have to agree with Ms. Darcy that her email response to you was not encouraging.

 

Here would be an example of an alternate type response to her request for the recipe (sent after a week or so from the day you received it):

 

"Hey ex,

 

Nice to hear from you! You know, it's been a while since I've used that recipe and I can't seem to find it. If I locate it, I'll certainly send it along to you. Hope you are well!

 

Cheers,

XXXXX"

 

The great thing about email is that it's very easy to disguise your feelings whereas in person, it is quite difficult. This is why NC is so important because if you are faced with your ex in person frequently (as I am, for work) it is a constant challenge to "act as if". By admitting to her in the email that she still had power over you emotionally, you continued to place yourself at her feet. Unfortunately, this amount of honesty does not make a dumpee attractive - just the opposite. You don't have to readily acquiese when your ex suddenly reappears after 2 years and give her what she wants. She can get the recipe herself! But you can do it in a friendly upbeat way. Just some food for thought if she contacts you again.

[dreamygirl]

I agree with rapunzel, the initial email needs to be impersonal as hers was too in the beginning. Don't give her the power back too early if she initiates contact and keep her guessing.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Ms Darcy, Rapunzel and dreamygirl, I appreciate your input.

 

Well, I'm not going to worry about it. Actually, overall, her email is not that bad. I think maybe my translation is not accurate, it's hard to convey the tone. Anyways, I'm going back to NC. I am almost sure that she will write again. I'll deal with it then, but follow your suggestions as well. Thanks again.

[mentee]

Hi SadComposer,

Looks like you're handling this interaction well .. I haven't read your other threads but have you tried dating other women during the last 2 years? How did that go?