Dating a man with a kids(s)?

[shelly3]

I have been dating a man with one biological daughter. He had the child with a woman who had a son as a result of a rape. He dated his daughter's mother and lived with her until his daughter was 6 months old, but then moved out and has not dated her since. They dated a total of about 2 years. During this time, he allowed her son to call him "Dad." My boyfriend treats this boy as if he were his son.

 

The problem is I am very uncomfortable dating a man with a child. (For reference, he is 35 and I am 34). I do not have any children and want to have a child with my boyfriend once we marry. I want my child to be his only child. I feel that having another child will not be special to my boyfriend, despite the fact that he tells he otherwise. He says that his relationship with his ex was terrible. He accidentally got her pregnant. He says that a pregnancy with me would be special because he never made a child and had a child out of love as opposed to obligation to do the right thing with his ex.

 

I feel embarrassed to say this, but I also do not like the ex's son calling him Dad. I am trying hard to deal with the daughter being in his life, but I do not want to deal with a child that is not his biological child and he never even married the ex to make him an adoptive child of any type.

 

I guess my question is, for those who have dated or married men with children, how do you deal with the jealousy that he has already done everything child related with the ex? How do you also deal with a kid that is not his calling him father, when he is not the father. Also, how do you deal with feelings of not wanting your boyfriend to be around his kids and wanting him to be with you all the time v. not wanting your boyfriend to ever abandon his kids. These are conflicting feelings that cause a lot of strife in our relationship. I love him more than anything and just wish it could be just us, not us and a daughter and a son who is not really even a son.

 

I appreciate any advice because this is eating me up inside. I want to work through my feelings, just need help on how to look at this situation in a positive light when all I see is negativity.

[IGlareOften]

First of all, this is an extremely selfish post. You knew, from the beginning probably, that this man has a child. She did not ask to be conceive, nor did she ask to have her parents separate. However, you DID choose to stay with him even though he has a kid. Honestly, you just either need to accept that he has children, or leave. But, to "deal" with such feelings, is crap. He, his daughter and his non-bio son deserve better.

 

Also, I grew up without a father. It was awful. I would have given anything to have a dad in my life. In the case of the son, he does not have a father because he is the product of a rape. For you to feel uncomfortable about that is selfish. He gets the chance to have a father in his life, and that's amazing. Not many kids get that. This man is a GOOD man for a.) staying in his daughter's life and b.0 being the father to someone who doesn't have one.

 

You need to suck it up, honey. For real.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you have to learn how to deal with it then perhaps this is not the man for you. It is okay to not want to deal with someone else's children...but that means you would need to let go of him as well....because they are a package deal. If you are always going to feel some resentment towards those children then those children will not be very happy in your presence. There is no magical method to help you accept those children and not feel resentment. You feel what you feel and not everyone can be like your bf who accepted and loves a child who is not his biological child. If you don't feel any warmth for these children then perhaps you never will...but that means this relationship is not for you..the man may be great but his lifestyle and your lifestyle do not mesh.

[livinginsbi]

yeah.. I agree.. you are being very selfish. Maybe it would be best for you to move on and find someone that is more to your expectations.

[DN]

It would say a lot about his character as a human being if he were to reduce or sever contact with his children - and that boy is, for all intents and purposes, his child.

 

I understand your wish to be the only mother of his children and yours - but that cannot happen. So you must make a decision now to either leave him or support him as he parents his children along with any you might have with him. Because any other course of action would be entirely wrong.

 

I suspect you already know this otherwise you would not feel so conflicted and felt the need to post about this. Your conscience is working here and you would do well to listen to it.

 

By the way - a parent does not divide his love between his children and that as more come along each gets less. The capacity for loving children is infinitely expandable.

[luminousone]

Hi Shelley,

 

Your bf sounds like a good, good man. He knows that his daughter is his responsibility, and he has also taken on the role of father to a poor young man whose circumstances were no fault of his own. Parenting is not always a biological role -- it is a parenting relationship with those children in our lives who need that kind of figure.

 

Your bf knows that, and loves both as his own.

 

When we have biological children, it does not lessen our love for the older ones. We just add persons we love as they come into our lives. And love is not limited -- it is infinite!

 

Now, if you and your bf do decide to get married, you must make a choice to take the whole package, and love those kids as well and love your bf for taking responsibility. If you truly cannot do that, then it is best for you to walk away.

 

No judgment on you -- if you know that you would not be able to do that, then I applaud you for being honest with yourself and therefore with your bf.

 

He will not walk away from his kids just for you. The fact is -- he has the children in his life, and you must decide whether you can accept the situation as it is, or not.

 

And then, if you get past that hump, you must then realize that if you two have a child together, then he will love them all the same! Of course, it will be your first and very special child. And it would be his first planned child, and a first child with you. Believe him if he says that would be a special occasion for him! But he will still love the others -- he cannot throw that relationship away just because a new one comes along...

 

Please do be honest with yourself about whether you can handle the ready made family. Because if you marry him and then you cannot, then some children's lives could be really messed up. These children deserve to be surrounded by people who will love them unconditionally...

 

Can you be that person?

 

I would suggest family counseling with your bf before you both finalize your decision...

[FathomFear]

Well, at least you acknowledge that the feelings are selfish. That's a head-start at least. I think you need to focus on being empathetic towards the children. Children deserve parents. This love is in now way "competing" with you. I'd say that you need to keep reminding yourself of this over and over again until it sticks.

[anu1560]

The thought of even depriving a guy from loving his biological daughter and son whom he is close to and depriving the daughter and son there dad is disgusting. Just think what if someone tries to do that to your kid. How will your kid grow up? How will your kid feel like? These kids have done nothing wrong. Why they should be punished for your whims and fancies? If you fancy your bf to be father of only your child, find someone else. He already has two commitments and he seems to be pretty happy doing it. Don't break the bond and the family he has. It is a family still. You seems like the home breaker. The only thing is you are not having affair with the guys wife, but you are trying to deprive those kids something they deserve. As if the kids already don't have enough problems and as if the kids are not going to have enough of there complications. And you have to make it just more difficult. Sorry to say, but thats really selfish.

 

Not sure how your bf will react if he comes to know about your real feelings about his kids. I am sure he will be elated out of happiness.

[luminousone]

Let us just suppose that you do get married and have children with your husband. God forbid, but let's say you died suddenly and your husband is left with raising your kids.

 

What would you then wish for your kids, if, after time, your husband decides to get remarried. Wouldn't you want for your children to be around someone who loves them unconditionally?

 

Just something for you to think about...

[KittyBoo]

I did marry a man with children even though I was uncomfortable with the situation and it ended up causing pain for everyone involved.

 

I am telling you from experience..... considering how you feel, you would be best to end the relationship because you are going into this with resentment and it will only get worse. You will get hurt, he will get hurt, the existing children will get hurt and any future children will also be hurt.

 

Unless you lovingly accept his children as a part of him as well as a part of your life together, no good can come from marrying this man.

[luminousone]

You will get hurt, he will get hurt, the existing children will get hurt and any future children will also be hurt.

 

Unless you lovingly accept his children as a part of him as well as a part of your life together, no good can come from marrying this man.

 

Kittyboo has a good point: If you reject the step children, your own biological child will be messed up too! I know this because it happened in my family -- different circumstances, but in the end the result was the same. My sister was loved and my brother and I were essentially ignored. Eventually my brother and I worked through the issues, but my sister now has a mental illness. It was terribly hard for her to be treated so differently, and she suffered from guilt and sadness and depression from the circumstances.

 

Kids are very perceptive. They know when something is amiss...

[Capricorn3]

This is a package deal and both children are part of it. You cannot simply choose to accept the daughter and discard the son. Wow. If you have to learn to "deal" with it, then I don't think this man, or his family, is the right thing for you. You either fully accept the entire package, or you don't. You can't split it up to fit just the way you like it to. Life doesn't work that way.

 

I think it's probably best that you find a single guy who doesn't have any "attachments".

[Fudgie]

For the good of the children and yourself, don't marry this man.

 

Children need good parents in their lives...both moms and dads. Don't take away their dad just for your own needs. He should be there for THEM first, not you.

 

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. This is why I wouldn't date a guy with kids - I wouldn't be comfortable either! But you can't be going in there NOT liking the fact that he has kids and want him to turn them away for you! Not going to happen and it shouldn't happen.