I want her to love me so I won't admit she doesn't

[abitbroken]

So I didn't let her walk all over me. I don't let her see how much she gets to me, I only share that here. All she knows is that I haven't initiated contact with her for 2 weeks, and when I have talked to her I haven't said anything nice.

 

You ARE letting her know how she gets to you by responding to her. And there is a difference between not talking in a complimentary way to her, and being rude - which just makes someone who is off kilter want to push back more.

 

The "tough love" that you are talking about is still 'attention' and to some people, any attention is positive attention. It reads like you are making come backs or digs at her or have an "answer" for everything.

 

Telling someone that their cell phone must be checked, etc or that you must check someone's calls, messages, and texts or emails (any or all of the above) is not "tough love". It is very controlling and to some it would be considered abusive so please discontinue it. I don't know why you seem to be trying to educate her or hold her accountable for anything she does unless you want to be with her - you said yourself she doesn't change. what you see is what you get.

 

Seriously, if she dates bums and you are different, and you are making her show you her phone or taking it from her to inspect it and are making digs about her, then she might be mesmerized because you are mimicking the sort of controlling and guy she likes or at least echos of the behavior.

 

"Tough love" is NOT what you are doing. "Tough love" is not rude or mean or cruel. "tough love" is dropping a child off at a rehab place for their own good instead of giving in to their "i will change" while they snort another line in your bathroom and "i don't want to go". "Tough love" is to cut off someone from financial support because they continue to blow it on skateboards and never have any money for rent so that they'll learn - sink or swim. Tough love is not coddling someone, but it is not being mean, abusive, or rude. A parent who employs tough love does not berate their child, or speak to them in a derogatory manner. They just state the facts.

 

So, I am not saying to be sweet to her - just simply don't respond.

[Gullible]

You ARE letting her know how she gets to you by responding to her. And there is a difference between not talking in a complimentary way to her, and being rude - which just makes someone who is off kilter want to push back more.

 

The "tough love" that you are talking about is still 'attention' and to some people, any attention is positive attention. It reads like you are making come backs or digs at her or have an "answer" for everything.

 

 

That's why I prefer not to talk with her at all, which isn't possible because she calls me at work. Besides, it's not rude to tell the truth, or to bluntly remind someone of the facts when she's trying to manipulate me. If she tells me she loves me, and I tell her that having sex with other men doesn't seem like love to me, then I don't see that as rude. Maybe I'm passive-aggressive, but I honestly think I'm too nice to her rather than too rude.

 

The first time around, before the first breakup, I trusted her. When she told me something, I believed it. I didn't snoop in her stuff and I didn't say mean things. After I broke up with her, I remained polite and said live and let live.

 

It was when she called me back, told me she loved me, she missed me, she wanted me - that was when I had a few objections. That was when I felt it appropriate to ask her how she could love me while she was sleeping with someone else. That was when I happened to ask how I could take her back when she hadn't even broken up with her other boyfriend. That was when I looked in her phone, with her permission, and showed her that she texted the same sweet "I miss yous" that same day to the other guy. She wanted to know why I wouldn't take her back, so I obliged her with that very good reason.

 

Later, when I did take her back, I checked the history on her computer. Not to see what she had been doing when she wasn't with me, but to see what she was STILL doing. She was on 4 different dating sites, with such information as "My retirement plan is to marry smart LOL". I think that's need-to-know information for someone like me that she said she wanted to marry. And since she didn't willingly tell me what I needed to know, then I'm glad I got it in other ways.

 

 

 

Telling someone that their cell phone must be checked, etc or that you must check someone's calls, messages, and texts or emails (any or all of the above) is not "tough love". It is very controlling and to some it would be considered abusive so please discontinue it.

 

Aww, it's abusive to catch her lying about whose penis was in her mouth last night, when she wants to kiss me on the mouth. I'm so mean. I should just kiss her and ignore any odd taste that might be there.

 

Is it abusive to give drug tests to addicts? Just believe them, "trust" them? If they don't want to take the tests, they don't have to. They just can't stay in rehab. She didn't have to let me look in her phone, but I didn't have to take her back either.

 

Is it controlling for her to think she can sleep with other people and then come back to me whenever she wants? Is it abusive for her to take advantage of me because I care about her? To take the best I could give her from my heart and mind, break it in half, and stab me with the jagged edges?

 

 

 

 

I don't know why you seem to be trying to educate her or hold her accountable for anything she does unless you want to be with her

 

When I was with her, I cared what she did. I wanted to make it work, so I let her know what it was going to take to make it work. She begged me to take her back, and I didn't want to. But she wanted to be with me, so I agreed to it under certain conditions. Honesty, faithfulness, accountability. I looked in her phone because she lied constantly, and I wanted to know if I was getting honesty, faithfulness, and accountability. I wasn't getting those things, so I broke up with her. Then I didn't look in her phone anymore.

 

 

 

Seriously, if she dates bums and you are different, and you are making her show you her phone or taking it from her to inspect it and are making digs about her, then she might be mesmerized because you are mimicking the sort of controlling and guy she likes or at least echos of the behavior.

 

 

I never tried to control her or make her act a certain way. It wasn't me saying "Act this way." I was saying "Act how you want, but I'm not going to be with you if you act that way." She's the one who tried to make me accept things against my wishes. She tried to make me stay with a cheater when I didn't want to - she tried to control me through deception. It didn't work, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about seeing through her lies.

 

She said she wanted to be with me, and I let her know what it would take. When she chose to mess around, I didn't tell her to stop. I just told her to get out of my house. I haven't tried to influence her actions after the breakup. For instance, if she wanted no contact then I wouldn't be calling her, like she's doing to me.

 

The only thing I ever tried to make her do, that she didn't want to do, was tell the truth.

[Ms Darcy]

What am I even talking about.

 

I don't know what you are talking about either.

 

If you want to find someone you can marry, you need to cut her out of your life, start working out again, improve your self-esteem and move on.

[I 3 Olives]

tehehehehehe you had me going there with your proposal to her! I actually laughed out loud reading it and copped some weird looks from the people in this room.

 

You responded to my own thread, and what you wrote hit a chord. It compelled me to read your story.

 

Your stuck in a moment.

 

I like exciting rollercoasters, but after 3 or 4 rides its the same thing, its no longer scary or exciting or special or new.....

 

I don't know if I can breakthrough to you like you broke through to me. But I have been in your shoes before, the constant back and forth, each time feeling more degrading than the next.

 

And I do know that it does eventually stop. I know you have to deal with this person at work which is harder, I don't know the situation or if you can arrange someone else to deal with her.

 

However soon enough something is just going to CLICK and your going to walk away from all of this. Trust me on that

[Gullible]

I felt certain that I had walked away from it the last time, but I must not have gotten rid of all my feelings for her because I took her back that time. And so, even though I've been going over all the details in this thread, in no way do I intend or hope or want to ever take her back again. I'm just posting here to sort out my own thoughts and listen to outside perspectives from helpful folks like you.

 

A couple of weeks ago she called at work and said "I need some things, if there's anyone who wants to talk to me (tee hee)." So I said "Hold please" and transferred her to someone else.

 

But I work at a small business, there are only a couple of other people around to take her orders. Yesterday after her call was transferred to me, I asked the guy who sent me the call if he could just tell her I'm not there from now on. He said "You should show her that you're man enough to talk to her whenever you want."

 

So my mission is to be wise beyond my years, reach down and find some kind of transcendent maturity that allows me to deal with the situation in a better way. Be a buddhist monk who separates himself from the attachments and desires of this world. Become an ancient Greek stoic, forgoing all emotions in order to spare myself the bad emotions.

 

Unless there is another way to take her phone calls without making a fool of myself?

 

I think I almost had a breakthrough recently, when I started to think of her as a completely hostile and malevolent presence in my life. When I began to accept that she was my enemy, someone who has only been trying to harm me, then it was easy to stop caring about what she said or what she thinks. But I worry that it's unhealthy and delusional to dismiss someone as "all bad". I don't think she's completely evil, but I do think she is a negative influence on my life, and most of what she has to offer me is trouble.

[Gullible]

I've just had some olives myself. These were stuffed with almonds and they were exquisite.

 

But, as much as I enjoy olives, I wouldn't say that I love them. I save that word for special occasions. Maybe if the olives were poisonous and made me feel like I was going to die, then I would say I loved them.

 

lol

[I 3 Olives]

Give me a jar of any olives and a fork and I need nothing else!!

 

Never tried ones with almonds though...hmmmm

 

Do you really think your Gullible?

 

When she calls your work and you have to deal with her I want you think .......What would Yoda do?

 

Perhaps she's not bad all the way through, but the enemy angle works for me. She's certainly far from friend material. Friends don't treat you the way she has, let alone a girlfriend. I was convinced that my back-forth ex was a narcissist. Turns out he was just a * * * * . But dealing with him like he was this evil being actually helped. Realised it was all about him, not about me. That had to changed.

I laugh at him now. He still wants me. Its all cute. But it'll never happen.

[Paulhasitall]

Hey guys, I just broke up with her again. Thanks for the support.

 

You will be back with her.

[Gullible]

Thanks for the support!

[Gullible]

Do you really think your Gullible?

 

I don't know. She never actually fooled me by what she said or did. I allowed myself to believe that maybe things could work with her, but that was just me fooling me.

 

 

 

When she calls your work and you have to deal with her I want you think .......What would Yoda do?

 

Yoda would say, "Size matters not, when you're dealing with something that can swallow an entire X-Wing." Referring, of course, to the swamp in Dagobah where Luke's ship got stuck.

 

 

 

Perhaps she's not bad all the way through, but the enemy angle works for me. She's certainly far from friend material. Friends don't treat you the way she has, let alone a girlfriend. I was convinced that my back-forth ex was a narcissist. Turns out he was just a * * * * . But dealing with him like he was this evil being actually helped. Realised it was all about him, not about me. That had to changed.

I laugh at him now. He still wants me. Its all cute. But it'll never happen.

 

 

She called me again yesterday at work. I started to say something mean to her, but I stopped myself and just wrapped it up. I'm doing better, but I still have some improvements to make. Hopefully I'll continue to move forward until I get to a point where she doesn't rile me up anymore.

 

 

 

Give me a jar of any olives and a fork and I need nothing else!!

 

Never tried ones with almonds though...hmmmm

 

You have to find them fresh, not in a jar or can. But they still have the X cut into one side, which is from the machine that pits them.

 

One time I saw a muffaletta sandwich on the food channel and I tried to make it at home because I couldn't find anywhere to buy one. I combined black olives, green olives, and kalamata olives, with diced pickled onions (I thought they would taste bad but they were sweet) and italian gardiniera vegetable mixture, and probably some other ingredients I can't remember, and then I mixed it all up and poured olive oil all over it, and then put it on a big sandwich roll of crusty bread that soaks up the juices, with some ham. It was messy, but good.

[Gullible]

A made a sandwich for the ex too (we were together at the time), we shared a passion for olives.

 

She texted me yesterday while I was out with friends. I argued with her over text for a while but then I had several hours of carefree fun until the wee hours of the morning, and I met a potential new girlfriend as well.

 

Then, as if by divine intervention, my phone glitched and erased all my text messages. It's one of these new phones that stores each person's texts as a "conversation", so I had over 600 texts to and from the ex, going back to january, and sometimes I would read them like a narrative. But now they're gone, pictures and all! I've had this phone for 6 months and nothing like it has ever happened. I was given a chance to start over, with a cell phone as pure and innocent as freshly fallen snow.

 

But today, as if to prove to God that I am a sinner and ungrateful for the blessings I have received, I argued with her over text message again. Did I ruin my clean slate, or is it just a minor backslide? She left me a voicemail saying that her little boy asked about me. I texted her to tell the kid whatever she told him about the last 5 guys she shacked up with, which was simply my plain and honest advice. But then, I realized that I shouldn't let her anger me. I allowed myself to feel at peace, and to let go of my frustrations. Well, first we argued over text for a while, but then after that I totally let it go and now I'm over it.

[I 3 Olives]

Making me huuuuuuuuuungrryyyyyyyyy........

 

Oh! and WOO HOO to the potential new girlfriend

 

Hahaha I'm glad your quirkiness and sense of humor is still intact.

 

Its a minor backslide.

I think if you can keep all contact to phone/text your doing pretty ok. A lot of people will tell you to go hard NC immediately......I'd love to meet one person who has been able to simply, and coldly cut someone out like that.

 

I don't like how she uses her kid in this way....Has she tried to come and see you? Try not to let that happen. If she tries to rile you up think of Yoda!! Think 'Not if anything to say about it, I have!'