He's never in the mood for sex anymore

[sweetsparkle]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We used to have great sex until last September, when we moved in together. Now, it's always me who initiates and often times, I feel very rejected. We've talked about it countless of times and I feel bad for nagging him about whether or not he still finds me attractive and desires me. He assures me that he does and he even explains that our sex life isn't like how it used to be because we've been with each other for 24/7 ever since September without any break. He says that we're so used to each other and sex is less exciting. We're still having sex once a week but it's me who initiates. I sometimes wonder if we would have sex at all if I left it alone.

 

So, my question is: is it normal for a couple's sex life to take a nosedive after being with each other for 2 years, especially after being with each other 24/7 (we both work from home)? also, i know he watches porn when i'm not around, so why isn't he interested in having sex with me? and, how can i make things better between us - make him start desiring me more and initiating sex?

 

For those in 2+ years relationship, how often are you having sex?

 

Thanks alot for your advise!

[bri]

Read "Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle!!!!

[lemons]

well, compare this, it's like a new toy. you love that new toy right away, but that new toy looses it's novelty.

 

It's also possible that he *has* cheated on you, dont freak up but mabye their's sometihng else on his mind, or a secret fantasy perhaps

[Gilgamesh]

This is psychological, when you were separate, he was the hunter, he felt like he was in control, still not "tied down" once you moved in together, this all changed, there is no challenge, he feels he lost his "freedom" and manhood in a way. its not logical, but many guys get that way.

 

to spice things up, you need to go out on dates, have sex away from the house, tell him to meet you at some Motel somewhere, or find a secluded lake and make love in the water, make it a challenge for him, its all about the chase.

 

Stop the routine, of sex on certain days, go a week without nothing, then, get down in the kitchen during the day, by surprise, throw him off guard. don't be demanding, or pressure him, remember he feels he lost control, so its a tricky thing, you want to initiate things in a way where he thinks he is the one starting things up.

 

I don't think he is cheating on you, but i do believe he may be feeling trapped, that doesn't mean he don't love you, just that he feels he lost something.

 

you may need to go to counseling together if things don't change.

 

Understand that he himself is probably worried about why he is like this, and that because he knows something is wrong it makes matters worse.

which then causes "performance anxiety" so don't be too hard on him.

[sweetsparkle]

so it's that serious? i thought it was because we were together all the time, thereforeeee sex takes a place in the backseat....so your replies makes me start to think and wonder. so you don't think this is normal in most relationships? this is my first serious one, so please advise further. what is normal sex between couples?

[Scout]

Actually, I think the problem is that you are together way too much. 24/7 would get on my nerves too, no matter how much I cared about a person. It sounds like you've maybe lost a little bit of personal identity by being in your house with your boyfriend all the time. Do yourself a favor and develop some interests and activities on your own that take you out of the house more - so that you can become interesting to yourself and your boyfriend again.

[JonnyG]

It is common to not have as much sex later in a relationship. Soemone gave a good example of getting a new toy as a kid, he/she losses interest after time.

 

Think of ways to spice up your sex life like gilgamesh suggested. And try to spend sometime apart so u start to appreciate each other more when u are around each other.

[Derek]

Doh, working together 24/7 ....

 

He might be as interested in your body as the furniture, like a brown leather chair, no matter how buff and tight it is.

 

The hunter without prey is a pathetic creature indeed.

 

Part of it is his problem, he should rediscover you and ease off on the p0rn.

 

 

 

[sweetsparkle]

thanks everyone for their response and advise. i do realize that being together all the time can put a strain on any relationship. it's just we're both in a foreign country, we moved here in january, and we haven't really made any friends. all we have is each other so it makes it even more difficult.

 

but i know i should start venturing out more, maybe even finding a job outside. thinking of even taking a mini vacation by myself to thailand. i really want things to get better.....i'm ultimately scared by the fact that he is getting bored and tired of me.

 

one more question - is it normal for him to watch porn everytime i leave the home, but not interested in sex later on with me? he says watching porn is different than having sex with me and that variety is always good for a relationship. i was never bothered by this porn issue before but now that our sex life is in a rut, i'm beginning to focus on it more....

[Gilgamesh]

Millions upon millions of men and women watch porn, and if anything they have great sex lives together.

 

If I see porn, I just get frustrated because I just want to be with my girl right now he he.

 

Is the porn effecting him in a negative way? could be, it could also be tied in with what i said earlier, the variety, the freedom, the hunt, the spontaneity off it.

 

Ask him if there is some stuff he would like to try on you, Toys, home videos, role playing.

 

Role playing is fun, you can dress up different and he can "pick you up" at a bar, as if your a stranger, you pretend to be two different people that don't know each other. its a game its fun, and in a way its similar to that porn he watches. gives him the sense he is in control and on the hunt.

 

Yes it is normal for sex to slow down, I am one for quality over quantity and 2-3 Times a week was about avg. in my 4 year relationship. but one thing always sticks out, and thats when I took her too a Hotel, "like a date"

in a 24 hour period we made love at least 10 times, anywhere and everywhere we could, while people were watching the show at night, we walked to the poolside benches and in the shadows gave her oral sex, she was afraid we would get caught but was so very exciting, she had 3 orgasms right there! I bought a Viagra, because i wanted a marathon, and guess what? I didn't need it, I was a stud without it.

 

So yes, getting out of the routine, changing the settings, doing things you normally wouldn't, its all good.