Strange messages from ex

[SadAndy]

hi folks. Well its been 4 months now and i am finally starting to move on. I've got a new house, new car and a new girl.

 

I am still devestated by what has gone on but accept that the person i loved is not the person that is now my ex.

 

What my latest question is, i keep getting texts from the ex about genuine things such as arrangements for my little girl etc but they always have 'hi, how are you' and in them etc. I have made it clear that we will be civil but never friends and yet she still keeps doing it.

I have not 'reacted' just answered politely and firmly but i am getting a text at least every 2 days.

 

The texts also ask about if my house purchase has gone through this week or last, what car am i getting even down to wishing me well with my new girlfriend.

I normally don't answer them as my business is no longer hers and i have no interest in whether she wishes my new relationship well or not!

 

I'm guessing that she is once again just being selfish and this 'niceness' is purely a conscience easing process but i thought i would ask you good people for your views.

 

One of her texts last week even stated 'i really hope we can get on'. After everything she's done she must be on another planet but just doesn't see it!

[mca1975]

She is feeling upset that you have managed to move on successfully.

 

I doubt that it is guilt.

 

I am guessing that she misses you sometimes and perhaps she hasn't moved on as much as you, or has a new partner....

[SadAndy]

interesting point!

 

That is exactly the 'niggling' thought in my head.

 

The other thing she keeps chucking in every so often is how sorry she is and how if she could change the last 5 years she would etc.

 

If i ignore one of her texts about, for example, the new house. She will send another one about something equally irrelevant a couple of hours later.

 

The most bizarre aspect is that she keeps saying things that leave her wide open to a 'nasty but true' reply (i've sent a couple) which always triggers a nice/apologetic reply. As strange as this sounds its almost as if she wants to be 'told off'!

 

bizarre isn't it?

[annie24]

i think she is just trying to be civil, I wouldn't read too much into what she is saying.

[matador1972]

Possibly just trying to keep you on a string, im sure her young guy dosent offer the emotional support you used to provide her.

 

Just be careful though, 4 months out of a 14 year relationship isnt long to be getting seriously involved, i hurt a girl i went out with after about 4 months, and i felt terrible about it, fortunately, she realised i didnt do it on purpose and we managed to become friends, but still, its not a long time.

[brownowl90]

i get exactly the same mate, every couple of days to tell me about our son then something irrelevant and meaningless. im not at your stage yet, i cant bite my tongue and let her know exactly what i think of her, i know i shouldnt but as far as im concerened she is a decietful, selfish liar and i dont want to be her friend, im a great dad and dont need a relationship with her to continue being so, he is 1 year old, maybe when he is older i will have to be civil but at the minute i dont, she even rings to say my son wants to talk to me * * * ??? hes only just one, he cant say a word. think it is just a control thing and wanting a sign from you that what they did is now ok, well sorry the fact that i only see my son every 2 weeks and another man is bringing him up is not ok, the fact she loved me and wanted to marry me one day then just left the next is not ok, you get tret like you treat people!!

[SadAndy]

That is scarily similar. She has of course got the 'new man' or rather 'boy' and i think that she genuinely thinks that I will 'calm dowm' enough to see what she did as ok. She will be waiting a long time!

 

Seeing my little girl once a week whilst the 'boy' helps with bringing her up is something I will never forgive.

 

The one other thing I forgot to add about the messages are that she often sends them at strange times, like 2330hrs at night.

It feels as though she doesn't want new 'boy' to see them and yet she could send them whilst in the bathroom etc throughout the day if that were the case.

[brownowl90]

yep again similiar, she will send them at times he is at work, if i try to talk to her in the evenings then suddenly she isnt available?? she still says he wasnt the reason she left but he did come on the scene few months before she left, was always around in the 4 months after break up as a friend like a brother! then when she decided it wasnt going to work with us he was suddenly the new boyfriend, ive led her to believe a girl i am friends with is my new love interest and she then says she wants to check out this girl who is 33 year old mum of one but its ok for her to have a 25 year old irresponsible man around my son!

[brownowl90]

 

 

read my story mate, think weve gone through similiar things! toughest 5 months of my life!

[anu1560]

 

The one other thing I forgot to add about the messages are that she often sends them at strange times, like 2330hrs at night.

It feels as though she doesn't want new 'boy' to see them and yet she could send them whilst in the bathroom etc throughout the day if that were the case.

 

I think this is over the limits of being civil. You need to set the limits with her if you have no plans to have her in your life. And she has her boy anyway. Being civil for me is to say a nice hi and ask politely whats going on in your life 'if you bump into each other'. Nit writing text all the time. Thats my limit of being civil. So you have to set your limit and let her know it.

[SadAndy]

your idea of being civil is exactly the same as mine. I HAVE told her, repeatedly. One went along the lines of 'once again, I will be civil but NEVER friends'.

 

Cant make it much clearer than that! And my polite but blunt replies should also set the tone but don't seem to be working either!

[waveseer]

your idea of being civil is exactly the same as mine. I HAVE told her, repeatedly. One went along the lines of 'once again, I will be civil but NEVER friends'.

 

Cant make it much clearer than that! And my polite but blunt replies should also set the tone but don't seem to be working either!

 

If you don't want to be friends simply notify her and then ignore her (forever). There is no reason to play games.

[Etoile]

Just my opinion but I think partly she is trying to be friendly with you because she is curious about your new life and also, unfortunately, because it eases her conscience. For the latter reason, she interprets you moving on as (a) the way she treated you wasn't so bad and (b) you have forgiven her.

 

I can understand how her texts must annoy you but I wouldn't send any nasty texts back. I wouldn't reply to her questions either though! Just remain civil whilst maintaining a distance (a sort of indifference towards her) so whilst she realises that you are moving on this doesn't mean that you have forgotten how she treated you or that how she treated you was in any way acceptable.

[No1]

Hey there. I read your other posts. 13yrs of being together and its only been 4months and she did wrong you by being with your other best mate..etc.. So right now she can be feeling a little left out of your life. As much as she didnt like the past 6yrs of the life together. You are the only thing she really knows. So she could feel a huge part of emptiness in her. She did bring this upon herself, but still. She probably has no identity, and in no way know herself. And its only been 4 months.

If you are moving on and she is not. Im sure she feels a little bit of "what about me?" And since she doesnt know what to do. Her contacting you is a way of comforting herself into thinking everything is going to be alright. As long as you are in her life, together or not, she will always be okay. So the texts are more for her and not for you. She does have a love for you. She will always love you, and have a special place in her heart. But she doesnt have the identity to move forward and she is still looking for herself. Until then, she will lean on you to make sure that you are there still. Its like when you walk around your house in the dark, you reach out for a wall or a light switch to make sure you are okay. She is doing that now. She is reaching out to make sure she will be okay

[brownowl90]

think what hurts the most is i really believed her when she told me she loved me, she meant it no doubt, she then changed within a day of going out with her sister and i knew she didnt anymore, that quick??? her reason for leavin were she said i didnt listen to her anymore, that i didnt show her i loved her anymore, looking back maybe i didnt, but i just couldnt grasp that this happy, bright girl had changed so much, the times i didnt listen were eg. i wud pick up my daughter come home and she would be sulking because id met my ex, i would then withdraw from the conversation because i felt she was being unreasonable, she would then begin an argument to which i would reply that i had to see my ex and was there for the minimum time possible and she should get over it! eg. she didnt like living in my exs house and being so far away from her friends n family, i understood this and put the house up for sale and bought her a car to give her transport to visit friends n family, which she very rarely did??? i gave up going out with my friends and football which i love, she then near the end told me to go play football on a sunday morning, everytime i did she would ring me 10mins after i left the house and fall out with me on purpose???? i dont see what i could have done different! she now texts and talks to me about our son as though nothing has happened, as though i should just accept and understand her decision, i dont, so i reply with anger, she replies i dont love u and want to be with you so why should i, so i get more angry telling her she didnt understand we were just having a tough few months, we should have stuck together and go through it that she owed me more and shes a liar and a selfish cheat(anger i regret it after) she then calls me evil and says i make her ill with the things i say and she cant look after her son, that im wrong for feeling like that and i should just accept her decision, but its based on her thinking its more important to be going out drinking with her friends and new man rather than building a stable family for our son.

[SadAndy]

Well good people. I have the answer!

 

I decided to come straight out and ask her why she was so bothered about whether I hate her or not.

 

Her reply was basically that SHE didn't want me to hate her. So there you have it, it was to make HER feel better no doubt about the severity of what she'd done and to somehow make it less serious. There is also a major element about HER conscience.

 

The earlier reply about her being isolated even though she has her new 'boy' really hit home and I think is 100% spot on! It mentions about me still being in her life being important to her and it is true.

 

I informed her today that I do hate her for what she has done (was the hardest thing i have ever said!) so we will see from here what happens.

 

I said to her that i cannot understand why she is so bothered what i think of her now when she did what she did and made it clear that I meant very little. The reply was more apologies about turning the clock back if she could etc etc!

 

So it was all about HER, as everything else has been, all along.

[No1]

Its the basic theme of what I said, she did things to make her feel good. She is probably very lost without you but doesnt want to be without you. But it was about her and not about you.