So I told my parents...

[4ever2gether]

guys, so here is the update on my weekend in telling my parents I was moving out.I decided I would tell them on Friday. My mom came home from work, and she asked what was wrong with me. Obviously she noticed I had something to tell them. So I told her I was waiting for my dad so I can talk to both of them and let them know my plans. She said plans for what? I told her that I planned to move out and I would like to let them know. She said ok. And you can just tell on my mom’s face she was so pissed off. I told her I didn’t want her mad at me, and that I needed her as a friend. She said no you already have picked your friends have found who you want to spend your time with you don’t need me. So of course I started crying because I wasn’t expecting her to get so rude. I asked if I would still be welcomed and she couldn’t give me an answer. So I told her that I didn’t understand why if any of my cousins moved out of their home and if they needed to come back and they had nowhere to go she always welcomes them. All she could say is that “I have issues.” I ended up walking out because I got so angry. I have not seen her since Friday. I will be talking to my dad and letting him know I will be moving out this Friday. I am under so much stress. I have been depressed all weekend. Ugh I just needed to vent… any words of comfort?

[meteorstrike]

Why are they so angry that you're moving out?

[hers]

My advice is not to let what your mom says get to you so much. What she says isn't true. You don't have issues if you want to be independent and free. You are an adult and you need to be an adult. Don't let her get to you. How do you think your dad will take it?

 

And trust me, if your mom came on a board to say "my daughter wants to move out. She's 20-some-odd years old. I think she has issues", she'd be told to let her daughter go and be an adult. There's nothing wrong with what you want to do.

[Kinkz]

I think you were expecting something like this to happen and now it has. I think your mom need some time to get use the idea of you moving out, let her be for now and don't get too emotional, because it will make you weaker and more stressed out. Maybe you can ask your dad to find out whats up with your mom? If he can talk to her, it may make it easier for the two of you to talk properly before you do move out.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Your parents are being ridiculous. Do you come from a culture where people live with their parents until married?

 

Unless you are, your parents have unhealthy and controlling expectations of adult children relationships.

 

In my opinion, 25 is pretty old to still be living with your parents. You need to stay confident with your decision. Your mother is trying to emotionally manipulate you with guilt and fear. Guilt is a useless emotion. Those who feel guilt often should not and the guilty rarely feel remorse.

[sidehop]

Your parents can't protect you forever nor should they expect you to stay. You're an adult, not 12.

[Shortpants]

Oh 4ever, I'm so sorry your mom has to be like that! Not fair to you at all! I know it's hard but I would just forge ahead with your plans and try to not let her bring you down. You do not have "issues" for wanting to move out! It is a rite of passage that ALL children come to eventually, and for your mother to tell you that is total bunk. Let the downer things she says slide off like water off a duck's back, she will get over it eventually but now is the time for you to move on and focus on YOUR life and gaining your idependance. Good for you for taking that first step and telling them, you deserve a big pat on the back for that one as I know how worried you were! Take care and stay strong!

[DN]

Stick to your decision.

 

But if you want her to treat you as an adult doing things like crying won't accomplish that. Crying because parents are upset with you is something children do. Adults deal with it as adult to adult. So don't cry.

 

Instead, reassure your mother that you are moving out of their house not out of their lives. You will still visit them frequently, talk on the phone a couple of times a week and they will be invited to your home (the last is important, don't say they are welcome to stop by any time).

[4ever2gether]

Thank you for all your guys comments. I am going to talk to my dad today let him know I will be moving out this Friday. I don’t know how he will take it but I will just have to deal with it. I don’t know what is so difficult of just wanting to move out. I cried because I got so angry that my mom wouldn’t sit to understand me. Even when I told her on Friday that I would still like to come around and hang out and talk to her on the phone she said I would need to “make an appointment” for that if I need to see them. I can’t just show up. And for holidays if the time is right then I can come over if not then I could forget about being welcomed. I do come from a culture that expects your kids to live with their parents until they are married. But that’s just so damn old fashion. I told her she needs to stop being like her mom. She didn’t really like it. But it’s the truth. She doesn’t get along with her mom because of their issues. So I told her that just the way her mom shut her out of her life and shut the door when she would try to visit her hurt her, she doesn’t need to do the same to me. That she would try to change that cycle. And she said I had issues.

[DN]

OK - look you went in expecting her to be upset and got angry because she did. Don't do that, it won't serve you.

 

The trick to dealing with parents as an adult is to tell them about a decision as an adult. You aren't asking for permission even an implied permission.

 

As to her saying all that stuff about holidays and so on. Call her bluff because it almost certainly is a bluff. Just say calmly "Well, that's up to you, Mom. Let me know if you change your mind."

[FathomFear]

4ever, do you have any plans of breaking the news to your parents that you're a lesbian? And that your "roommate" is actually your partner? If I were a betting person, I'd put money on that having something to do with their reaction. It's very likely that your parents know more than you think, and their reaction is muddled because of the mixture of feelings they have towards the situation. I would say that it's difficult to have an open and honest relationship with your parents when you're hiding a large part of yourself to them. As a gay man I know this from experience...

[4ever2gether]

FathomFear- I think you are right. My mom kind of implied that she knew "something was going on" and I said mom what do you want me to tell you? and she said nothing because if I wanted to know I would be questioning you. I don't plan to tell them. I don't think I can. I am struggling enough with just moving out period. Know what I mean?

[Cognitive_Canine]

OK - look you went in expecting her to be upset and got angry because she did. Don't do that, it won't serve you.

 

The trick to dealing with parents as an adult is to tell them about a decision as an adult. You aren't asking for permission even an implied permission.

 

As to her saying all that stuff about holidays and so on. Call her bluff because it almost certainly is a bluff. Just say calmly "Well, that's up to you, Mom. Let me know if you change your mind."

 

I agree.

 

This approach helped me with my controlling mother. I simply stopped behaving like things were up to her.

 

I told her what I was doing calmly yet assertively. I stopped asking for permission when issues didn't concern her. If she got upset (which she always did), I just told her frankly that was that and I was sorry she was taking it that way. It was her issue, not mine, and I let her know that.

 

OP, I didn't know you were a lesbian. I feel for you and how rough a situation this is for you. But, bottom line, your parents are overbearing. They will continue to view you as a child no matter what age you reach. The only person who can make them see what an adult you are is you by behaving like one. And adults are not emotionally bullied by parents. Stay strong and good luck.

[4ever2gether]

Thanks guys. I will keep you posted once I tell my parents. lets see what takes place.

[FathomFear]

FathomFear- I think you are right. My mom kind of implied that she knew "something was going on" and I said mom what do you want me to tell you? and she said nothing because if I wanted to know I would be questioning you. I don't plan to tell them. I don't think I can. I am struggling enough with just moving out period. Know what I mean?

 

I understand. I would just keep those factors in mind when you gauge their reactions to your moving out. They are likely not going to be "normal" reactions, given that they probably know (as parents usually do) that you're in a relationship with the woman. It creates an environment where everyone needs to walk on glass and everyone knows but can't speak about it.

[4ever2gether]

So the update.... I have talked to my dad. things went a lot better then I expected. I am moving Friday. I am very excited! thank you for all your guys advice!

[sidehop]

That's great to hear Good luck!

[Shortpants]

Good for you 4ever! So glad to hear it went better than expected. Here's hoping Friday comes quickly!

[turnera]

Good to hear.

 

Just remember that, she did tell you what was wrong. She said she 'had issues.' That means, to me, that she has some sort of personal investment in you that you don't understand. It's very personal to her; you may never know what it was. But it is about HER. Could be anything, from you leaving makes her have to accept that she's getting old, to her not having a good relationship with your father and she's afraid to not have you there as a buffer, to her not having a friend and she was coping by telling herself that you were her friend. You just don't know.

 

But you DO know...it's not about YOU.

 

Some day, after you've gotten older and worked your life out, you two may be able to talk about it. For now, just accept the relationship you've been given and don't try to make more out of it than it is.

 

Good luck!