CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Ok - so I'm getting married... woo hoo!!!!! My family and his family know that we are planning on getting married. BUT - I'm 40 and don't want to be a financial burden on my parents. YES... my dad would pay for a wedding but I think he is close to retirement and he still has two kids to get through college so I just couldn't bring myself to ask. So I feel that even though this is my first wedding (and only one!) I think I should be financially responsible. My groom to be is divorced (together we have 3 kids total) and has walked away with a lot of debt just to get out of a bad marriage... she wanted to keep the house then refused to pay the mortgage... wouldn't move out and let him take over the house and simply without telling him abandoned it... ugh!) This wasn't the only bill she rung up and left him holding... Not complaining though BUT we haven't the money for the beach wedding I always wanted and I refuse to borrow money we don't have... our lives together and taking care of our kids is top priority!!! So I've been compromising... he insists on a diamond and I've been getting him to see its not the size of the stone that determines his worth to me... I mean of course we could wait another year to get married BUT I don't want to... we have 3 kids together and I just feel that they would feel more settled as a family if we were married rather than just cohabitating.... So we are planning to elope in the fall AND TELL NO ONE.... UGHHHHHHH.... it was my idea... I thought if we started asking my parents then his parents, then the kids... we'd rack up such a huge bill.... So our plan was to have a nice private outdoor wedding (of course I'll have a dress and he will a tux)... enjoy a weekend honeymoon and text everyone on the way home that we got hitched!!! I'm totally ok with it.... BUT I have to pick out a dress this week in order to have it ready and altered for our date... AND I'm doing it all alone.... sigh... I totally suck at keeping secrets... I had to get it out there and tell someone... HEY I'm GETTING MARRIED!!!!! ~thanks! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Congrats on the marriage. Eloping is not a bad thing, esp if you want to save money. But, let him get you a diamond, you deserve it. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Congrats on the marriage. Eloping is not a bad thing, esp if you want to save money. But, let him get you a diamond, you deserve it. Thanks! I've been wondering if maybe we could do it a bit backwards?? Get married with a simple band and on our 1yr anniversary... I get my diamond? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Thanks! I've been wondering if maybe we could do it a bit backwards?? Get married with a simple band and on our 1yr anniversary... I get my diamond? You could do that. Are you worried he can't afford the diamond right now? Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Do you also mean that you will be telling your parents after the event? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Do you also mean that you will be telling your parents after the event? Yes... a total secret from everyone.... The hard part is dress shopping alone... No BFFs to tell me what they like and don't like.... Link to comment
sidehop Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Congratulations!!! It's good that you are being realistic, since money problems cause unneeded stress and blamed for one of the top reasons why couples argue. He can always upgrade the stones on anniversaries and special occasions but of course I guess it's up to him too as you are his special woman Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 I am not sure how old the three children are, but they might be very hurt if the two of you suddenly come back married. I think eloping is fine if there are not children involved but if this is going to be a blended family I really think they should be kept in the loop. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 You could do that. Are you worried he can't afford the diamond right now? Well we have been living together for 5months now and I know our fiances... and I just don't want to see us stretched just so I can have a $5000 ring. Its not just us... we aren't 20 and starting out... we are 40 and have kids and big mortgage... I see getting married more important than the ring and of course being a guy he doesn't feel right getting married without getting me the ring... Link to comment
DN Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 on getting married. However, let me advise thinking through the secret elopement. If anyone, especially parents and children, are going to be hurt by you doing this, then that hurt will never go away even though they may not say anything and they may smile and congratulate you. So be very certain that you know the potential fall-out of this decision and can live with it without it affecting your happiness. PM me if you want to know more. Link to comment
bruinsy81 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 I think you should continue to cohabitate considering your financial situation .. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 I am not sure how old the three children are, but they might be very hurt if the two of you suddenly come back married. I think eloping is fine if there are not children involved but if this is going to be a blended family I really think they should be kept in the loop. The kids know we are going to get married.... My ideal wedding was for us to fly to San Diego and have a beach wedding just the two of us and our three kids... But I started doing the math... we didn't have an extra $12500 I can't ask my dad to help - pride and well he feels the same with his parents. They have their own needs. ALSO - the kicker is his ex will take off with the kids and not let them come... its happened before it will happen again... it happened twice in the last 12 months. Trying to plan a wedding and involve the kids when there is an unpredictable ex who is emotionally unstable is a bad mix. I don't want to see my fiance all worked up calling the sheriff again when its supposed to be a happy day for us.... So this is a compromise all the way around but the alternative is to wait to get married another year... which if it were just the two of us then no biggie... but we live together and I just feel the kids will feel less stress if we are married (their mom is making them miserable by telling them how horrible we are... sad I know... she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him happy either.) His kids love it here and really like me alot. I think my son will be a bit sad but in all honesty after the discussion we had the other day he just really wants a step dad (his dad isn't the best to be counted on) and keeps asking when we are getting married. I'll be sad that our kids aren't there but when we look at the big picture its the only way we can make it work.... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 I agree with dn. I know that my mother would be so hurt if I did this. I'm sure your parents want to see you get married. Honestly, I don't see the huge rush. The children will feel stable as long as the relationship is stable. In your situation I think I would rather wait and save the money so that I could have the wedding that I wanted, after all you only do it once. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 on getting married. However, let me advise thinking through the secret elopement. If anyone, especially parents and children, are going to be hurt by you doing this, then that hurt will never go away even though they may not say anything and they may smile and congratulate you. So be very certain that you know the potential fall-out of this decision and can live with it without it affecting your happiness. PM me if you want to know more. Thanks.... the only worry I have is my dad... I'm his only daughter... I don't want to hurt him... Originally we have told everyone we are getting married... and I asked my dad if it was okay if we got married alone in San Deigo... but we just couldn't find away to afford that. My dad asked if he could come... and I kind of said it was just going to be us... and then he said whatever I wanted he was fine with... still you hate to break your fathers heart... so that is the one kicker I'm dealing with... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Another idea is to let everyon you will elope and then have a post-wedding "potluck" for your family. Link to comment
DN Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 still you hate to break your fathers heart... so that is the one kicker I'm dealing with... Chances are that 'kicker' will be one that he will carry to his grave and one that you will never forget. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 I think you should continue to cohabitate considering your financial situation .. Well when you have two second graders and a fourth grader you want to set a good strong family background... Also - not that this is a reason to get married.... BUT his kids are in a bad place right now and we think we will need to go back to court for full custody and in the midwest its going to look a whole lot better if we are married NOT living together. I love and adore his kids as they are wonderful but their mother doesn't get them up for school or feels its fine for them to be 3hr late on a regular basis... his son is failing... and may have to repeat the same grade again next year. I love this man and he is a great father and a great provider and I see his kids need more stability... it won't happen if we aren't married.... Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Chances are that 'kicker' will be one that he will carry to his grave and one that you will never forget. This is the only part I've struggled with... I mean I've had a serious long term relationship that resulted in a child but we never married and eventually that relationship went south... I've always been a very independent woman and have always lived on my own. Years ago my dad even made a comment about how I will probably not ever marry. Seemed kind of weird that my dad gave up on me in a way but honestly I've never tied my happiness to a man. I've been heartbroken and seriously so but have always maintained my own independence and existence - successful career and owning my own multiple homes. My dad had the big wedding with my brother but I know fathers and daughters are different. I'm going to have to sleep on this... Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Another idea is to let everyon you will elope and then have a post-wedding "potluck" for your family. Oh I'm all for a party later... That was the plan when I wanted to go to San Diego... we would have a party a month later... Link to comment
bruinsy81 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Don't place his kids needs above your own.The guy you are with obviously has some issues with his ex.Are you sure that's the kind of situation that you want to be in? I would be very hesitant about marrying at this time.He needs to sort those issues out.I don't see how getting married is going to slolve all your problems. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Thanks... this has given me a lot to think about... I will talk to my fiance again - he of course wants whatever makes me happy! DN - I may PM tomorrow when I think more about this. My father is the only one I've been worried about... I know his parents will be happy with whatever... they already married him off once! LOL! I know they like me alot and they really want us married... they had been hinting at it long before his divorce was even final! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Having read that you are his only daughter and he clearly wants to be there to see it, then he should be there. He deserves to be there. Link to comment
Brittney2008 Posted May 18, 2010 Share Posted May 18, 2010 Is there any way you could get married where you live versus traveling to San Diego? That will save a ton of money on airfare/hotels. Congratulations! Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Don't place his kids needs above your own.The guy you are with obviously has some issues with his ex.Are you sure that's the kind of situation that you want to be in? I would be very hesitant about marrying at this time.He needs to sort those issues out.I don't see how getting married is going to slolve all your problems. Yes - he feels the same... he doesn't want his kids to be the reason I marry him... and they are not. I know all his issues with his ex... I've had to experience them first hand unfortunately. While we were just dating she showed up at my house late at night on Friday night without having ever talked to me before or calling ahead of time tried to say it was a friendly visit but when I explained to her that it was late and I had plans she threatened both myself and my son - she knew before coming over that her ex wasn't there as she had called him and threatened him all day that she was coming over with her kids so his mother took the kids from her but she showed up anyway... weird... Then as that was my only contact with her she filed a protective order against me.... ??? and then dropped it only to get a protective order again my 8yr old a few weeks later... I had to hire an attorney to protect my son. Then she started emailing me through facebook - horrible things and I just ignored her which I guess just made her angrier... Having lived through my own horrible ex I can relate and help him deal with the emotional blow out that goes with it. I've seen my fiance heartbroken to see his A/B kids turn into C/D kids. They've shown up at my house looking like zoombies from lack of sleep and my fiance has cried knowing they went to bed hungry sometimes. So its not about the kids... we are getting married anyway but if getting married this year means he has a better chance of improving their lives how can we not do that? Getting married isn't about the size of rock but the commitment you give to each other. And its a package deal... he gets me and my special needs child and I get him with a couple of kids who are a bit broken at the moment... I can give up my dream beach wedding if it means builder a brighter future with our kids. I hope that makes sense? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted May 18, 2010 Author Share Posted May 18, 2010 Is there any way you could get married where you live versus traveling to San Diego? That will save a ton of money on airfare/hotels. Congratulations! Yes - that is what we are doing... we can elope and have a lovely outdoor back drop with everything included.. honeymoon and all for around $1200... and it will be very nice! Link to comment
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