time for husband to leave, how to gently make it happen

[antiwrinkle]

Hi, my marriage is no longer a healthy one to be in. It has caused both of us to be self destructive and it is time to move on. I gave him 20 days after I told him I wanted a divorce, or tried to give him 20 days. That 20 days ended March 18th. I have allowed him to continue living in this house with me since then. We have been living in separate rooms, basically separated but living in the same house. It's time for him to go.

 

I was the one who finally said it's time to end this. Naturally he has injured feelings. He doesn't seem to be looking for a new place. I know he has talked to his friends about it a little and they have offered to help him, but he won't accept. It's not his house so I could technically get someone to remove him from the premises if he won't leave. I don't want to go to those lengths though.

 

Things have a way of turning onto 'it's the wife's fault' street, with not-niceness directed at me. I've been afraid to talk to him about certain things for some time because of the tendency of things to turn negatively at me. We've had some minor instances of that since I dropped this on him. So I'm afraid to bring up the topic of him leaving. He doesn't have much money, he only recently got a job after one year of excuses, and I've already been taken on some short guilt trips when the topic came up before. I am horrible at confrontation.

 

What is a sensitive way to go about this? How can I avoid approaching this in a way that he might feel is confrontational? This is not his house or my house, and if he doesn't have a plan by the time my family comes back next month, they might find a less than kind/sensitive or dignified way (for him) to get him to leave.

 

~antiwrinkle~

[Clarity]

When you "dropped this on him", would have been sudden to him, without much warning, or was this an issue (or collection of issues) that you two identified, tried to work through, and failed?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Whose house is it?

[antiwrinkle]

Weeeeel, we have been having troubles for a while. We've gone back and forth, he's done, then I'm done, but never follow through. It's been like a carousel from hell.

 

The point is, there is typically going to be a shock to the party who did not make the decision, and I acknowledge that.

 

The house belongs to my parents. They live elsewhere most of the year, and I make sure everything is secure here.

 

I don't want to be crueler about this than the situation already is. I'm asking for tips how to be firm without being needlessly cruel. I am constantly tense with him living here.

 

~antiwrinkle~

[jenny_mcs]

Whose house is it?

Yeah, that's what I was wondering too, If it's not your house, why does he have to be the one to leave?

 

And about this happening "gently"- I honestly don't think there are very many "gentle" ways for a marriage to end.

 

ETA saw the OP's clarification. Ignore my thoughts!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It took him a year to find a job after lots of excuses, he doesn't seem to be looking for a new place. It sounds like this is the kind of person who prefers coasting through life trying to get away with as much as he can get away with. You might be left with no other choice than to be cruel.

[antiwrinkle]

I have that whole "good girl" thing going. It's easy for people to walk on me without even noticing. Then when I finally object, it's like the doormat spoke up. When I attempt to be firm, I then come off as too aggressive. I'm done with not speaking up for myself, but I haven't learned to modulate it, so I carry it too far the other way.

 

~antiwrinkle~

[Lucius]

You've already told him you want to get a divorce, and you essentially served him with an eviction notice at the same time. I think most people would be reeling at this point, and I doubt he's an exception. With that in mind, I think it's rather past the point of treading lightly and being "gentle". It's not going to feel gentle to him now matter how you follow that up - so you may as well be as direct (and consistent) as you like.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have that whole "good girl" thing going. It's easy for people to walk on me without even noticing. Then when I finally object, it's like the doormat spoke up. When I attempt to be firm, I then come off as too aggressive. I'm done with not speaking up for myself, but I haven't learned to modulate it, so I carry it too far the other way.

 

~antiwrinkle~

 

I am not so sure it is that you suddenly become too aggressive. I think when people treat someone like a doormat they get astounded when "the doormat speaks up" so they think by ignoring the doormat or fighting back the doormat will shut up and be a doormat again..and that is why often firmness turns into being more aggressive in order to make the other person realize the jig is up and their bad behaviour will no longer be tolerated no matter how much they want to stomp their feet and scream "no fair" like a spoiled child who was finally read the riot act.

[Jeen]

It's going to be "confrontational" what ever you do, it is the "fallout" everyone in a divorce situation have to deal with, you will be the witch for many in this divorce, friends, family no one walks away from a divorce looking like a angel.

 

"The sooner you get it over the sooner your life will get back on track".

[catfeeder]

Since you'll need a lawyer sooner or later, why not make it sooner? Get legal advice on the best way to handle this, and it will help you protect yourself. For instance, in some states filing for a legal separation protects you from any further debt incurred by the spouse.

 

No breakups are gentle. Everyone needs to play 'the bad spouse' during one, so it's pointless to try to avoid that--it will get in your way.

[RedDress]

I would sit him down nicely and ask him. "So when are you getting your own place? What have you done to look for a new place?". I would ask him this today and tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

 

I don't think that you have to be mean/nasty. I do think that you need to be annoying about it. If you only said it once and you've never mentionned it again, I'm sure he doesn't think you are serious.

 

Pain is the biggest catalyst for change. When people are in pain, they will FIND a way to make the pain stop. Time to be a pain.

[Dako]

It's more cruel to leave him in a gray area. He may seek reconciliation or fantasize about alternatives to a clean break. In any case, he's better served by facing the truth.

 

The sooner he's out, the sooner he can start recovering.

[antiwrinkle]

True.

 

Ok, how to deal with the guilt trips? I suppose it's normal in this situation that he does that. "You're mean." "You're selfish." I almost have to laugh sometimes. I am getting myself out of a miserable situation, so if that's selfish...

 

~antiwrinkle~

[Dako]

If he cares, he should want you to be happy or he's the selfish one.

Nobody is owed a relationship.

You aren't his mother.

[catfeeder]

[...] Ok, how to deal with the guilt trips? I suppose it's normal in this situation that he does that. "You're mean." "You're selfish." I almost have to laugh sometimes. I am getting myself out of a miserable situation, so if that's selfish...

 

~antiwrinkle~

 

Just refuse to play. Those comments have worked on you for how long, so why would he suddenly stop using them now? Just stop permitting them to work!

 

Name calling isn't sticks and stones, you've got bigger fish to fry. Focus on your goal--and go there, instead.

[lostandhurt]

I am not sure how you told him "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce" if you can't tell him to move out. You are the one that decided the marriage is really over no matter the reasons so it is time to finish this.

I am afraid this not wanting the guilt trips and be made to feel selfish is just starting for you. Divorce is a nasty business in the best of cases with a great many hurt feelings. You might as well get used to the way you feel right now as it will continue for some time until the divorce is final.

If it isn't your house either then just go find your own place so when your parents return they will have their house back. He will have to leave if you leave. The only other way is to have the owners remove him. Are your parents willing to do it?

 

Lost

[Baily]

reality is he doesn't have to go looking for a place. As long as he's married and nothing has been split he has every right to the home as you do.

If you really want out...you have to leave.

 

I'm in the middle of a separation and while I wanted the home she was not going to leave under any circumstance...so I left and am living in a junk hole...but it's better than living with her.

 

You'll be happier living elsewhere than living with him.....note that he doesn't win by getting the house for now....it'll all be split in the divorce.

 

File for separation so it's legal and they can't fine you with abadonment. File for divorce and have the papers ready to be signed.