Any Suggestions? How to lauch myself into the Angry Phase?

[jenna-is-here]

I am 39yo, my bf and I broke up after a 4+ year relationship of which 2 years we lived together. He finally announced that he didnt want to get married (after leading me to believe that is what he wanted).

 

He did some lousy things during the relationship. We worked on things and the last year was really great.

 

It has been 5 weeks w/ NC. And for some reason, I cant get mad. I only remember the last year (and not all the crappy things he did before).

 

*PLEASE* help me get into the angry phase. I am sick of being sad.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I'm almost 7 months in and I'm just starting to feel anger towards him, for the past 6 months ive been idealizing him and wondering what *I* did wrong... but I'm now realizing that it wasn't me.

 

Everyone handles grief differently. Not everyone experiences the same stages in order or during a certain time in their healing. You may never feel anger. You may feel anger months from now. You may enter the anger stage and then go back into the depression/sadness phase. It all just depends.

[shessofly]

i am really sorry that happened to you. you can't force the angry phase. believe me, it's not any more easier than the grief phase. anger can really eat you up. that was the stage which i found hardest to maintain NC, because i really wanted to tell him off. count yourself blessed if you can make it through the healing process without seeping in anger. if it is to happen, it will happen without anyone's help.

[OccultFigurine]

Haha I totally understand shessofly. The one and only time I broke NC, I rang my exes buzzer...he came round next day thinking I wanted to get back together, when in actual fact all I wanted to do was shout at him!

 

To the OP, you can't force any of the feelings that come after a break-up, it will probably be a bumpy ride, but keep posting, this forum has been a godsend to me at times during my breakup

[Brigadoon]

Took me about 9ish months to get there; don't try to force it. You obviously still have stuff to work through so the only thing that will speed it up is to make sure that you're not fighting whatever wants to come out.

Pushing yourself to be further on will mean that the healing will not be "authentic" and although we'd like to get there quicker, in the long run doing it once and doing it properly is much faster than forcing it and finding yourself constantly returning because you didn't process it all.

 

This is a good example that I read in a Paul Mckenna book (I can mend your broken heart):

 

"An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If the message is urgent, it knocks loudly. If it is very urgent it knocks very loudly. If you don't answer the door, it knocks louder and louder and louder. It keeps knocking until you open the door. Then it delivers its message."

 

I worked with this and I have to say that thinking of all the sadness and swirling emotions simply as messages helped me to stand back a little and view them as things that just had to be accepted and processed.

I would also say that it probably took me as long as it did to heal because my life had been on a downward spiral for a good ten to fifteen years so I had a lot to work through on top of the breakup; things that I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge and so had built up and in hindsight put so much stress on my partner and I that it destroyed our relationship.

So if you can diligently open yourself up and accept that it takes as long as it takes then it will probably end up speeding up the process, good luck

[peanutbutterandjelly]

ive been wanting to break nc to tell him off too... ug... really not a fun feeling to have.

[jenna-is-here]

All of you - THANK YOU - for taking the time to write your responses. I read them all and will probably log in each day for the next few days and re-read them.

 

Brigadoon - I will look that book up...sounds like one I have to add to my collection.

 

It sounds like I see a common thread in here in that everyone says ANGER phase can not be rushed (and may never come)...I will try to be genuine with my feelings. Your responses made me realize, I just have to patient with the process.

 

I thought by reading and researching, I could go through it faster but I hear you all! Thank you

[AutumnBorn]

*PLEASE* help me get into the angry phase. I am sick of being sad.

 

 

I'm a sucker for a plea for help.

 

Here's what you need to do to accelerate things a bit. If anger is what you long for, get a notebook and write down every transgression, every crappy, cruel, thoughtless act he did in your relationship and every character flaw or quirk that drove you crazy. Write down every little item, doesn't matter how insignificant it may seem.

 

When you're done, sit down and read them. Look at them, written in your own hand, and ask yourself if that's what you deserved.

[lavenderdove]

Everybody's personality is different.... Are you an angry person by nature, who comes to anger easily? If not, you may be someone who spends more time in the sad phase than the angry phase. And someone who does tend towards easy anger, may spend a LOT of time, or ALL their time being angry.

 

I'm a person who is very slow to anger, and when i do get angry, it is more is short intense spurts. When grieving, i spend more time in the 'sad' phase.

 

And some people exist in the denial phase for a long long time (witness the getting back together threads), and the only anger they feel is when someone else tells them perhaps they should let go and move on, and then they only feel anger at the person telling them it is time to let go of the denial and move on with their lives. They point their anger at other people rather than their ex, because they don't want to let go and are stuck in denial.

 

So everyone grieves differently, and spends more or less time in some stages than others.

 

When i divorced my husband, i actually didn't spend too much time angry at all, was just really sad that he turned out to be a different person than i thought/hoped he was, then moved into acceptance the relationship was over. But i spent a lot of years sad in that marriage working up to accepting it was not working and leaving.

 

So i wouldn't worry too much if you are not following some textbook case of grieving. You might find you only spend a few days on and off angry, then move into acceptance. So much depends on your personality and how the relationship played out.