[vent] dad-in-law-to-be...

[misssmithviii]

I may seem rather composed on the outside, but I'm so far beyond irritated right now I just need to vent.

 

My man's dad is here in Malibu for maybe only one more day (thankfully) and then he's leaving to go back to Lake Tahoe - where he lives all by himself and goes skiing and drives one of his many cars. The mom is happier down here in this beautiful mansion that we all live in now, but it kills me to see her like this... tortured every single minute (and no that's not an exaggeration) by her estranged husband. Every moment there's another negative statement, sarcastic remark or belittling insult coming out of his mouth directed at anybody he wants - especially his wife.

 

It's so hard for my man especially to have to keep his mouth shut and swallow his anger every time his dad starts talking smack, but we all just sit back and watch (ugh) and wait for him to leave.

 

I'm handling it well on the outside, but one thing just slipped right out of my mouth a few minutes ago - he was yelling about how my man (his son) was eating some of the meatballs that my man's grandma was making. My man says, "Ask the cook, she offered them to us all" (referring to himself, me and our friends). But no, he keeps yelling.

Once the grandma hears it she says "I wanted them to have some meatballs" and finally the dad shuts up.

 

My man offered me the meatball that was supposed to be mine and all I said was "No thank you, I don't want to get my a** yelled at for no reason" right in front of the already angry dad who of course said nothing because he knows he can only victimize his wife - and if he even says anything messed up to me, my man will step in.

 

After that, the dad starts walking around yelling again. My man and our friends are unloading the moving truck that his dad drove down from Tahoe and at first his dad said "Just take everything out by tonight" and then he starts yelling at how everything must be arranged right now! He starts yelling at his wife saying she's not doing anything right, how she's this-and-that... I'm sitting in our room with my daughter playing with her, hearing this b/s and just thankful that in a few days - he'll be gone.

 

If I weren't so respectful of this mansion not being mine, I would give that man a piece of my mind and say something to the effect of...

"Interesting, how egotistically selfish an insecure man can be to laugh while his wife is crying. I'm glad you lost your mind at this age instead of any earlier, and that your son will be a better husband and is already a better father."

 

How a great man can one day just slowly start snapping, turning so selfish, mean and such a constant grouch is beyond me.

[DN]

Has he had a physical recently?

[misssmithviii]

Um Idk but I do know he's very athletic - that's why he's staying in Tahoe to ski.

 

You think he may be acting this way because if a physical problem...?

[DN]

It's possible. Either that or some sort of emotional/mental problem. Usually, when people radically change there is some sort of cause for it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he wasn't always this aggressive and bullying I wonder if there is something emotional going on. Personality changes are sometimes a sign of early onset alzheimers. Of course there are other symptoms as well.

[annie24]

what does your bf say? was he like this when your bf was growing up?

[misssmithviii]

My man told me he wasn't always like this, and that growing up his father was very supportive and loving and just fun all around.

 

He says it really got weird when his dad retired, and he began this cruel sarcastic tone in everything he said as if anything that came out of somebody else's mouth was worthless.

Once my man got really into cars and racing, my man thought he'd get even closer to his father but instead his dad directed this mean-nature toward him! That hurt my bf even more because it felt like his dad didn't care about him now too - wouldn't talk to my bf unless the he was insulting him... that's when we figured he very well could've gotten jealous.

 

My man also said that the one thing he KNEW his dad never was able to accept was his age. He refuses to accept he can't do the things he used to, and while that keeps him healthy and active - it's turned him incredibly defensive, and always playing this "ONE-UP" game. My man will say "Hey Dad! I got new tires for the Evo [my man's race car]" and his dad will say "So...? I'm restoring my old Porsche and it looks amazing... blah blah" It's like his father's become more competitive with his own son rather than anything, and he acts superior to his wife.

 

Dinner just finished, and it went well luckily The one I really feel bad for is my man's mother... she takes the most insult - even to the point of tears, it enrages me and my man...

 

Mental problems...? I wouldn't doubt it at all... but it seems quite immature IMO to have a mental issue and take it out on your family rather than get the treatment needed and be open with your family. Too bad his ego is so big now, he can't give anybody else the time of day.

[Miss Firecracker]

It's possible he feels that he is just a bag of money to everyone. Maybe he thinks no one really cares about him and he's tired of it. I know a lot of men at his age begin to feel used. Maybe this is his rebellion to that situation, who knows?

[annie24]

well, i imagine if it's a mental issue, he may not think it is.

 

i wonder if this would be a good question for our guest author this week, who talks about 'male menopause.'

[misssmithviii]

This does sound like perhaps it could be a good question for that guest author next week!

 

I don't think he could feel like a bag of money because his wife and him have the same bank account and always have - their money is one big lump sum.

He's never just given out money to his son (my man), his son's always paid him back and his dad never showed any hostility or uneasiness towards that. My man would say "He's just not used to making millions anymore and doesn't know what to do with the rest of the millions he has..."

 

Some new info into the picture, his dad has recently started gambling... a lot. He was bragging about losing sleep over it, how he was up, then down, then even all night and through a second day. I've been to outpatient rehab facilities and it's been found that gambling sets off the same pleasure-sensors in the brain as cocaine. In fact, it's identical to the rush of cocaine in the brain, hence it has that capability of becoming increasingly addictive.

 

That just sounds bad... and I know addicts start to push their families away at one point or another whether directly or indirectly.

Which leads me to something else - I remember in the beginning of my relationship with my man, I asked him if his dad used cocaine specifically and my man was like "No, not that I know of, why?" and I said it's because he acted like it a lot, staying up until nearly 3am, waking up ridiculously early then this whole up and down defensive/excited nature - it was hectic. I know it was no grounds to suggest he was using drugs, but it was more of a casual inquiry than anything as awkward as it sounds.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder if a family intervention is in order. Something has snapped in his mind and maybe your bf should start getting some information from a mental health clinic and get some advice on what to do with his father. How old is his father?

[misssmithviii]

The dad is 59....

 

A family intervention would work if only the family thought there was hope of any kind. He's become so unthoughtful and snobby - it's comparable to a 16 yr old whining about his parents and how "nobody understands me" ugh... They have all accepted his behavior and could care less about him anymore. It's sad really...

He will be living in another state so the family is more "out of sight out of mind" because it's been this way for years now.

 

Just so sad my man's parents have been together and married since they were 18. They've been fighting over "another woman" from what my man has overheard - this woman lives in Carson, NV (right next to Tahoe) which makes it seem like he mightn't moved for her... especially since he spends all his time in Carson

I know it's no grounds for assumptions, but it's awfully coincidental.

[annie24]

to be honest, when my dad was going through chemotherapy, he started acting bratty. well, i think that the intense chemicals and the hospitals were making him upset. who wouldn't be? i think it does sound like he has something going on with someone else (i know i've said that before). but, it's not really your place to do anything, except for giving your MIL and your bf a shoulder to cry on. hopefully your BF and MIL can talk to his dad and urge him to open up about what is going on.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think he has a lover and the family is now in his way.

 

But that is no ones problem but his and his wife's. If his son is frustrated, then he should get out of the home and let his parents figure it out. She's probably going to stay around no matter what, and that is her choice.

[misssmithviii]

I think he has a lover and the family is now in his way.

 

But that is no ones problem but his and his wife's. If his son is frustrated, then he should get out of the home and let his parents figure it out. She's probably going to stay around no matter what, and that is her choice.

 

The father's leaving in a couple days to go back to Lake Tahoe. We and the family live here in southern CA. It's not like we'll be dealing with him any longer, and getting out of the home is quite drastic considering he's not staying here.

 

That other woman lives in Carson (20 min.s from Tahoe), and trust me, I just know there's something going on - although once again, it is none of my business. It's just a thought, trying to further understand his behavior

[Miss Firecracker]

The more you say, the more I believe this comes down to a new woman. It's discouraging to see someone do this after living a normal life. It really makes you wonder if you can ever trust anyone. I'm sure I would have been shocked beyond belief if my father had done something so horrid. But there is really no way to understand humans. They are just weird sometimes. I'm just down to worrying about my own behavior, and that's a full-time job these days.