Question for the men - what is his thought process about marriage?

[happygal]

My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We met each other families, he is very involved with my children as I am with his. We pretty much do everything together.

We have been talking about marriage (this would be 2nd time for both of us), well I am feeling ready for the next step, a commitment...marriage is important to me. And he says he can see being married to me, but that he has a few of his own things he needs to resolve. I know he wants to pay off his debts etc. but we both have good jobs.

What is the waiting here? What is the thought process?

I am starting to loose little of my self worth, I know sounds crazy, but I don't understand what he needs to resolve?

 

For the men out there: What do you think, how should I handle this? I don't want to pressure, but it seems as we don't get any further talking about this.

[DN]

Your self-worth should come from within not from whether this man wants to marry you later rather than sooner.

 

Other than him wanting to clear his debts (which makes sense to me) has he told you of the other things he wants to settle first?

[Sunny1607307996]

I think you need to ask him to define the issues he needs to resolve first, and to give you a rough time line of how long he thinks he'll need to resolve them.

 

If he has debts he wants to pay off before buying you a ring, helping to pay for a wedding (even small ceremonies cost money!), and just generally merging finances, I think he's being perfectly reasonable. More than just being reasonable, it's being responsible and caring. Who wants to jump into a marriage with debts and force your partner to help you pay them when you can start off with a clean slate?

 

Besides that, I think it's generally harder to jump into a second marriage than a first one, since you both have been burned before.

[Batya33]

Since you've both been married before and he is now involved with your children (and kids as you know get attached pretty quickly) don't you think you should ask him directly rather than trying to guess? If he doesn't want to marry you how long would you stay with him?

[Gath]

Weddings in particular, and marriage to a lesser extent, is fricking terrifying.

 

Just because he doesn't want to go through that nightmare doesn't mean he doesn't value and love you. Would you be willing to elope with him rather than have a big, expensive, and drama filled wedding?

 

If not, then you should think about why the wedding is more important to you than he is. Because if he's really honestly ready to be married to you, but hasn't proposed, then its probably because he doesn't want to do the wedding part. I know I and most every guy I know hate the very idea and only go through with it because it makes women happy.

 

I can't think of a single guy I've ever met who wouldn't have rather ran off to vegas and gotten married by elvis.

[happygal]

I am not talkingabout a wedding, I can care less about a party. It is about the commitment for me, marriage.

 

No he has not told me what else he needs to settle and I have asked him to the point, I am not getting a clear answer other than he has some of his own issues he needs to deal with. It is frustrating because I don't know what that means or they are - he can't answer that directly.

 

I guess i feel as I am loosing self worth because he says he wants to be withe me since years now, but I feel we are stuck and not growing. and I am getting frustrated - I don't want to pressure him but it is bothering me.

[Dako]

If he can't open up and share his thought process, I sure can't.

After 4 years you should ask him for his inner thoughts.

[annie24]

If he can't open up and share his thought process, I sure can't.

After 4 years you should ask him for his inner thoughts.

 

i agree. i think you just need to ask him directly what are all the things he wants to resolve.

[Sunny1607307996]

Maybe you could let it go for for a few weeks, and give him some time and space to figure out his own thought process. Then bring it up again, and if he can't give you a real answer then you'll have to have a serious conversation about how him dragging his feet is making you are losing self-worth, and you are confused and frustrated. Don't blame him, obviously, but you'll need to get everything out on the table and have one of those dreaded "Where are we going?" conversations.

 

I think then you'll have your answer.

[citymouse]

What age range are you, Happygal? I think age plays a role in the answer to your question.

 

As a general rule, I think it's a good idea for young people -- say in their 20s -- to date for several years before taking the plunge.

 

But once you reach a certain point of maturity and adulthood and you know yourself better, know what you want, etc., I think it's OK to speed things up a little.

 

Since you both have kids and were previously married, it sounds like you both have that level of maturity.

 

I can see why you would be feeling antsy about the subject after four years. I would feel that way too...I am in my late 40s, have been dating a wonderful guy for for four months now, am head over heels and feel 99% certain he is the one I've been waiting for my whole life. Only four months in, and I am already getting antsy. I know this is premature of me to even be thinking this way, but I'm already hoping and fantasizing that he will propose within the next year. Better yet by the end of this year.

 

As much as I love him, I don't think I could date him indefinitely without us having a plan of some sort. I think if we were dating a year and a half or so, and he hadn't popped the question, I would raise the subject and find out what he wanted.

 

You have the right to get answers to your questions. If marriage is not in his plans, you need to know that so you can re-evaluate, as painful as that may be.

 

Best of luck to you, and I hope it all works out for the best.