I got played, how can I deal?

[Guest]

I'm so confused and hurt. Is this a cultural thing? Is this how all white guys are? I shouldn't be making crass generalizations but how can I figure out I'm not just some fetish for them..

 

no its not a cultural thing unless it is cultural to be disrespectful and foolish. the fetish questions quite honestly need to stop to be blunt with you, i think he just has a problem like certain men who are trying to run away but can't just say they are no longer interested. he doesn't have the guts

[DN]

actually, i did read that detail, but that seems somewhat suspect to me, and if he's such an advocate commitment, why would he not give his partner a chance to explain?

HE IS RIDICULOUS! sorry that kind of attitude angers me

 

Well, sometimes people just get tired of being the one to chase, put their emotions on the line and feel that they aren't getting anything in return. Finally, they just understand that the relationship is way out of balance, that the person doesn't love them and they feel angry and somewhat humiliated.

[ramsickle1369]

I'm so confused and hurt. Is this a cultural thing? Is this how all white guys are? I shouldn't be making crass generalizations but how can I figure out I'm not just some fetish for them..

the fettish comment is just your feelings being hurt. It's not a white guy thing, it's a disrespectful thing--and sadly, that comes in all creeds and colors. He's just a jerk.

actually, i did read that detail, but that seems somewhat suspect to me, and if he's such an advocate of commitment, why would he not give his partner a chance to explain?

 

HE IS RIDICULOUS! sorry that kind of attitude angers me

He Kinda sounds commitment phobic to some degree to me. Either he didn't really want to be with the OP or he's incapable of handling a healthy relationship. And yes, that really pisses me off too. It's disrespectful and selfish. GOOD people don't disappear and offer no opportunity to discuss the breakup. He's a bad person.

no its not a cultural thing unless it is cultural to be disrespectful and foolish. the fetish questions quite honestly need to stop to be blunt with you, i think he just has a problem like certain men who are trying to run away but can't just say they are no longer interested. he doesn't have the guts

guts wasn't the word I would have used ;-)

Well, sometimes people just get tired of being the one to chase, put their emotions on the line and feel that they aren't getting anything in return. Finally, they just understand that the relationship is way out of balance, that the person doesn't love them and they feel angry and somewhat humiliated.

 

DN--it sucks to be the chaser all the time and not get anything back. Now it might turn into some childish game... "you did it to me so I'm going to do it to you" kind of thing. Immature.

 

I think in the end, he just wasn't ok with the kind of boundaries the OP set so he took off. What bothers me is the "friends" who are relaying info back to the OP. That's just as childish and immature.

[annie24]

I don't know - this guy could be a creep who played you, or he could have been a genuine guy who was looking for a relationship and walked away when he wasn't getting what he wanted. the bottom line is that the relationship is over, he's not interested in rekindling it. so, it's best to accept that and walk away.

 

the other bottom line is that there is no reason for you to talk to his 'friends' no matter what their motivation is. besides, it's kind of gross to date your ex's best friend. ick. it's not cool and it's just all drama.

 

i wouldn't change your phone number, but i would screen calls. if Brian's friends call you again, tell them you are not interested and to stop calling you. if they continue, screen your calls. but since your mom's medical stuff comes to you, i wouldn't change your number just yet.

 

good luck to you.

[DN]

You said that you didn't want to commit because he's in the Army and would be leaving the country - do you know where he is going and when that deployment takes place?

[candle23]

You said that you didn't want to commit because he's in the Army and would be leaving the country - do you know where he is going and when that deployment takes place?

 

He's leaving for Iraq for 15 months, he's a national guard.

[DN]

Well, (just speculating here) perhaps he felt that if you could not commit to him now the chances of a relationship lasting while he was in Iraq for that long were pretty slim.

 

Too many soldiers get dumped by their wives and girlfriends (or husbands and boyfriends) while serving for extended periods overseas, especially in a war-zone. He must know that and didn't want to take that risk of having his heart broken while over there. There have been cases of soldiers being dumped who have deliberately put themselves in harms way. he could just have wanted to avoid that and get it over with and healed before he left.

[hater13]

oh hun...this is horrible.

 

tu koi indian munda lab lai LOL seriously. they wouldn't do that to you

[candle23]

Well, (just speculating here) perhaps he felt that if you could not commit to him now the chances of a relationship lasting while he was in Iraq for that long were pretty slim.

 

Too many soldiers get dumped by their wives and girlfriends (or husbands and boyfriends) while serving for extended periods overseas, especially in a war-zone. He must know that and didn't want to take that risk of having his heart broken while over there. There have been cases of soldiers being dumped who have deliberately put themselves in harms way. he could just have wanted to avoid that and get it over with and healed before he left.

 

That makes sense, but why did he have to suddenly cut me off? He never even hinted he was unhappy. I'd like to delude myself into thinking he was a good guy, but the way he has ended things doesn't support the idea. Plus I've been getting texts from this guy who claims to be his friend, this guy could only have known the details of our relationship if he was close to Brian. What kind of guy dumps a girl and then passes her number to his friends to harass her? Not a good one.

[DN]

That makes sense, but why did he have to suddenly cut me off? He never even hinted he was unhappy. I'd like to delude myself into thinking he was a good guy, but the way he has ended things doesn't support the idea. Plus I've been getting texts from this guy who claims to be his friend, this guy could only have known the details of our relationship if he was close to Brian. What kind of guy dumps a girl and then passes her number to his friends to harass her? Not a good one.

Well, you don't know that he did - the 'friend' could have seen his phone and lifted the messages.

[candle23]

Well, you don't know that he did - the 'friend' could have seen his phone and lifted the messages.

 

That still doesn't explain Brian's behavior. He suddenly cut me out of his life, there were no warnings.

[candle23]

Good. You are stronger than I was... Probably not necessary to change your number. Just don't pick up. Don't talk to them. Eventually they'll go away...

 

Not strong at all, I'm physically sick now, I've been vomiting all day.. I'm in pretty bad shape right now, I don't know if I will drive to his place tomorrow or not

[shessofly]

there's really not much you can do about this person's behavior. it is something you will have to take a lesson from and try not to repeat the same mistake in the future. if you are not sure about committing to someone, you may want to hold off on becoming physically intimate with them. some people can do that and not care about the outcome, but you clearly are not that person.

 

if you were starting to feel more for him you should have told him when you were still talking. never expect anyone to read your mind. you must learn to communicate your feelings and not assume that someone can just tell. i'm not justifying this guy's behavior. honestly to me it kind of sounds like a bunch of bull. maybe the commitment story was a ploy to get into your pants (did he say all this before or after you gave yourself to him?).

 

either way, you should walk away from the situation and his friend. i wouldn't go through any great lengths to confront him. it's really not going to make you feel any better.

[shessofly]

another thought -

 

he's about to leave for iraq in a few months. that's a heavy burden. you don't know what he's going through emotionally. maybe he's looking for a lady that will support him while he's over there. since you were unwilling to commit to him due to his deployment, he may not see the point in continuing on with you.

 

he's about to be put in the line of fire and there's a lady he's seeing who is unwilling to commit to him. therefore, he can't count on her to be there for him while he's gone. he's hoping for letters, emails, phone calls, etc., and you can't count on someone who is not committed to you to do those things regularly. not that you did anything wrong, it was your choice, but it's just another possibility to consider.

[candle23]

which is not a person you need in your life. ZERO respect. He's being selfish and not giving a crap about your feelings. That's NOT OK. NOT EVER... A lesson I've learned the hard way...

 

A respectable person will at least hear you out and tell you they just want to move on...

 

A part of me wants him to suffer for what he did. I know I should just move on but how do I let go of the vindictive feelings. I feel that he has done me wrong and he should be punished for it, but they always get away. Maybe I feel this way because of my past. The guy who sexually abused be in my childhood roams free, he never paid for what he did. My brother is physically abusive towards me sometimes, and has shown no remorse about it. I've taken abuse all my life without fighting back, why am I still continuing to do it? I'm not trying to take my anger out on Brian, I'm just sick of being pushed around.

[ramsickle1369]

That makes sense, but why did he have to suddenly cut me off? He never even hinted he was unhappy. I'd like to delude myself into thinking he was a good guy, but the way he has ended things doesn't support the idea. Plus I've been getting texts from this guy who claims to be his friend, this guy could only have known the details of our relationship if he was close to Brian. What kind of guy dumps a girl and then passes her number to his friends to harass her? Not a good one.

 

I'm just going to venture to say that your decision to NOT be totally committed probably made him a little unhappy, hon.

[candle23]

another thought -

 

he's about to leave for iraq in a few months. that's a heavy burden. you don't know what he's going through emotionally. maybe he's looking for a lady that will support him while he's over there. since you were unwilling to commit to him due to his deployment, he may not see the point in continuing on with you.

 

he's about to be put in the line of fire and there's a lady he's seeing who is unwilling to commit to him. therefore, he can't count on her to be there for him while he's gone. he's hoping for letters, emails, phone calls, etc., and you can't count on someone who is not committed to you to do those things regularly. not that you did anything wrong, it was your choice, but it's just another possibility to consider.

 

All of that makes sense, but couldn't he atleast hear my side. I was falling for him and would've given the relationship thing a try if he only brought it up before cutting me off. He refuses to even talk to me like I've done something awful. This leads me to believe he simply wanted to have some fun before he left, I'm probably not the only girl he has done this to.

[ramsickle1369]

A part of me wants him to suffer for what he did. I know I should just move on but how do I let go of the vindictive feelings. I feel that he has done me wrong and he should be punished for it, but they always get away. Maybe I feel this way because of my past. The guy who sexually abused be in my childhood roams free, he never paid for what he did. My brother is physically abusive towards me sometimes, and has shown no remorse about it. I've taken abuse all my life without fighting back, why am I still continuing to do it? I'm not trying to take my anger out on Brian, I'm just sick of being pushed around.

 

OKAY... Now I am understanding a little more. I kept thinking there has to be more to this story than he wanted a commitment and then left because you didn't want to commit.

 

It really seems like there's some serious underlying issue that you have and this man has pushed your buttons. I get the vindictive response, I really do. DON'T DO IT. Trust me. You don't want to live with the knowledge that anyone can push you to such a depth. I'm sorry for your past, yes, it clearly is having an impact on you now. I suspect there's a whole lot more going on that what we have heard here.

 

Have you ever communicated to him about your past? Has he got a clue? Men are kinda clueless (no offense to those that aren't) but most haven't got a CLUE what's really bothering us ladies when something is and they are TERRIBLE at reading what we believe to be "clear signs". If you aren't direct and to the point with him, he's probably got no clue what's going on.

 

Why are his friends talking to you at all? Did you know them? Were you friends with them? Maybe if you provide some more background we can help get to the root of the problem...

[candle23]

He told me to just go with the flow, after we were physically intimate he asked if i wanted commitment.

 

I want to be able to let it go and not confront him, but I don't know if I can be.

[kaylap899]

DO NOT CONTACT HIM...listen I know its hard...I was seeing a guy, he was so sweet in the beginning, called me everyday then all of a sudden it stopped...I bugged him , messaged him, called him, I wanted answers...he ignored me..I let it get to me, and I must have msged him 5 times...I made a complete a** out of myself, cuz then I found out he was talkin to many girls, and he could careless about my feelings. Ever see the movie hes just not that into you? If a guy wants to be with you, nothing will stop him from being with you bottom line this guy is a jerk, move on, keep ya head up and dont DONT let him see that he hurt you...I wish I would have done this...

[ramsickle1369]

He told me to just go with the flow, after we were physically intimate he asked if i wanted commitment.

 

I want to be able to let it go and not confront him, but I don't know if I can be.

 

here's a little secret i've recently learned. Lines like "just go with the flow" and "have fun" are CLEAR signs that there's an agenda and he's being a user. Asking if YOU wanted a committment was his way of telling you that he DOESN'T want one. That was really crappy of him to do and I'm very sorry that you have to go thru this. I spent 4 years in a mess like that, all the while believing the lies. Get the eff out NOW before he causes you MORE pain. It will really mess you up.... RUN FOR THE HILLS. Cut it off completely. Spare yourself the trauma.

[candle23]

Yes, he knows about my childhood. He knows my brother hits me. He knows that I'm having a hard time dealing with my mother's illness.

 

I don't know his friends, I've only recently started to get messages from his friend who claims he wants to help me through the breakup, that's probably a ploy to try to get me to sleep with him..

[ramsickle1369]

DO NOT CONTACT HIM...listen I know its hard...I was seeing a guy, he was so sweet in the beginning, called me everyday then all of a sudden it stopped...I bugged him , messaged him, called him, I wanted answers...he ignored me..I let it get to me, and I must have msged him 5 times...I made a complete a** out of myself, cuz then I found out he was talkin to many girls, and he could careless about my feelings. Ever see the movie hes just not that into you? If a guy wants to be with you, nothing will stop him from being with you bottom line this guy is a jerk, move on, keep ya head up and dont DONT let him see that he hurt you...I wish I would have done this...

 

Kay---I think I know the man you speak of! LOL.... gosh it's terrible how many pathological sociopaths are really out there.... I was in the same boat, only I really fell off my rocker. I admit that I went nuts. I really did. And did he EVER give a $hit? Not for a second. Hate isn't a strong enough word for the crap that man did to me. BUT--I allowed it. I saw the signs early on and would have done ANYTHING to keep him in my life. Fast forward 4 years... I'm lucky I don't have a disease. A broken heart is hard enough.

[candle23]

DO NOT CONTACT HIM...listen I know its hard...I was seeing a guy, he was so sweet in the beginning, called me everyday then all of a sudden it stopped...I bugged him , messaged him, called him, I wanted answers...he ignored me..I let it get to me, and I must have msged him 5 times...I made a complete a** out of myself, cuz then I found out he was talkin to many girls, and he could careless about my feelings. Ever see the movie hes just not that into you? If a guy wants to be with you, nothing will stop him from being with you bottom line this guy is a jerk, move on, keep ya head up and dont DONT let him see that he hurt you...I wish I would have done this...

 

I have texted him that he has really hurt me with the way he's acting,, no response..

[ramsickle1369]

Yes, he knows about my childhood. He knows my brother hits me. He knows that I'm having a hard time dealing with my mother's illness.

 

I don't know his friends, I've only recently started to get messages from his friend who claims he wants to help me through the breakup, that's probably a ploy to try to get me to sleep with him..

 

So your history of abuse is the reason you want to get answers from him. Because you know you can't get the answers from the ones that really did harm you. What he did sucks, but it wasn't nearly as bad as what you've been thru. It's just a vessle right now and you want to get closure. I'm sorry you have to deal with all that crap hon.