I got played, how can I deal?

[candle23]

Ofcourse I can't change what happened. I want revenge. Yes, this kind of thinking is self-destructive and hopefully I'll calm down in a while but as of this moment, I want nothing more than for him to suffer for what he did.

[ramsickle1369]

I have no intentions of dating his friend, I never even knew about this friend until after he cut me off.

That really is wrong of him. He's a loser. Who does that? I can only imagine the things he's saying... soooo immature.

Ofcourse I can't change what happened. I want revenge. Yes, this kind of thinking is self-destructive and hopefully I'll calm down in a while but as of this moment, I want nothing more than for him to suffer for what he did.

Yeah, that's natural. Try to take the high road. Nothing you do will make him act any different anyway. Trust me. I know VERY well that no amount of love or hate will change this type of person. They simply are indifferent--which hurts. I know...

[Undyinglova]

a quick note to when you asked us "why do i keep getting pushed around". you want to be pushed around. well not "want", but you inherently put yourself in situations of vulnerability and abuse. you dont stop people from abusing you basically. they see this girl who is okay with taking any amount of abuse, abuse her and see that it works out fine.

 

from what i understand, your culture values virginity quite a lot. if you have "lost" that to a person that you cant commit to (which i believe might've taken more time), and that person leaves since he is not getting commitment, then you have no reason to blame anyone but yourself. I am not saying your dear brian is such a guy. he truly, in all probability, is a jerk. but what happened overall is not just his fault, you let him do that to you. as others have stated, consider it to be a learning lesson and improve yourself. Its not a learning lesson on how evil the world is (which is what others may have intended). You probably already know how the world is, you just need to learn to adapt to it. You clearly havent yet.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the future. I know it must hurt, but without that you wouldn't be forced to learn either.

 

As a side note, the best way to get over someone is do things you truly enjoy and be involved in those. I somehow read somewhere that you are quite busy with life? Thats a good start. As for right now, you just have to figure out what works best for you. If its talking to your mom about random stuff, any other family members, hanging out with friends, eating out etc, feel free to do them and distract yourself.

 

Also, I doubt talking to him will do anything. So just cut your losses and build yourself more instead of wondering why someone is the way he is.

[candle23]

Yes, I probably do attract abusers and let it happen to myself. How can I stop?

[ramsickle1369]

Yes, I probably do attract abusers and let it happen to myself. How can I stop?

 

Empower yourself with knowledge and learn how to recognize these creeps before you fall for them. Trust your gut and don't be afraid to run for the hills if anything feels not right. It's hard, but you eventually learn to recognize it a mile away...

[Anotherday]

Ofcourse I can't change what happened. I want revenge. Yes, this kind of thinking is self-destructive and hopefully I'll calm down in a while but as of this moment, I want nothing more than for him to suffer for what he did.

 

I've read this entire thread. Candle, it sounds like this guy DID want a commitment and you were the one who said no. Based on this, why do you want revenge? For what? For all you know (or I know or anyone knows), his abrupt change in behavior could have been to protect himself - his own version of NO CONTACT. At ENA we are always saying go NC, well, maybe this guy did just that for his own sake. I'm not saying he handled things well and that you should not be angry, but it doesn't look like you were played as much as you wanted something different than he did and now you two are not together.

 

As to his friends, who knows? I tend to think they are lying to you to get on your good side (read have a chance with you).

 

All of this anger is hurting you. I know it's hard, but can you take some satisfaction knowing that he DID ask you to commit and you made the decision to say no?

[Undyinglova]

While its easy to say "recognize these creeps before you fall for them", "trust your gut" and "run for the hills". I will go ahead, disagree and say:

Let your relationship develop non-sexually and sexually at a similar rate. i.e. if you're new to the relationship, start off slower, and by the time you're fully committed to each other then you can have sex. It works differently for different ppl. For you, it may be someone introducing you to their family/extended family and also in the relationship for a year. It could be after you are married. I am the type of person who believes that sexual stuff should only progress as fast as the slowest participant. That usually is the girl (which is you). So you have to put your foot down and say "no" just to be able to protect yourself, just in case. Its not that complicated, just make a set of rules that you wont deviate from and stick to them. If a guy really does love you, (assuming that your rules are within reasonable expectations, you can verify in these forums and if even 30% say "go for it", then thats fine) then the guy will stick with those rules and enjoy other aspects of the relationship. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but not the only part. Once you grow the other parts of a relationship, I've been led to believe that sex also gets much better. Sex is a highly mental thing, especially for girls.

 

So yeah, just follow those. The key point is to have some ground rules of your own. If you are willing to let anything happen to you, then there is a chance that something bad may happen.

 

I know that it may be hard for you to have these rules of your own, since you have been abused in the past and your brother and whoever else, by abusing you have essentially taken the "power" from you. But its something that you need to work on. You need to try to be more sure of yourself. If you are in doubt, you can always ask someone (and definitely here, there are tons of ppl just waiting to share their knowledge and experience).

 

Basically, just dont give other people a huge chunk of power in your life, the decisions you make etc. And also make sure the decisions you make wont end up getting you hurt in the end. For eg. I really find your decision of having sex with a guy who you are not committed to you EXTREMELY absurd. you're 26 and lost your virginity after all this time. The least you could make sure was that you were both committed to each other.

 

Okay so new theory, you need to ask us and we'll help you figure out what you want. Thats not how its supposed to be, but since you really dont know how its supposed to be, just ask us and eventually you'll learn.

[candle23]

He brought up the commitment part many months ago, a lot had changed since then. I spoke to him daily, introduced him to my siblings and friends, even hinted marriage a few years down the line. If this did not sound like I had already committed to him what could? If he still wasn't convinced, why didn't he say anything before cutting me off? And why would he give his friends my number?

[candle23]

What rules? Like not giving it up before commitment? What's an appropriate time to wait? I dated this guy for about 2 months before being intimate with him. The reason I did not commit before sleeping with him was because I was afraid of sex, I was afraid it would bring up memories of my childhood abuse and leave me a mess. Because of my culture and because of these fears, I waited till this age.

[annie24]

i think it's super important not to ASSUME anything (because you know what they say!) just because you are spending every weekend together, introducing your family, etc.... some people may not think this means you want to commit. especially since you said earlier that was not what you wanted. No offense to the men, but you can't HINT with a guy, you basically just have to tell them straight out, like hitting them on the head. don't expect a guy to read your mind or know what you want if you don't say the words straight out.

[candle23]

i think it's super important not to ASSUME anything (because you know what they say!) just because you are spending every weekend together, introducing your family, etc.... some people may not think this means you want to commit. especially since you said earlier that was not what you wanted. No offense to the men, but you can't HINT with a guy, you basically just have to tell them straight out, like hitting them on the head. don't expect a guy to read your mind or know what you want if you don't say the words straight out.

 

Lesson learned.

[Undyinglova]

i understand that your culture asks you to be a virgin and pure before marriage, and hence you waited this long. What i dont understand is... you started being initimate with him by the 2 month mark and by the 3 month mark you had sex with him already? that one month seems absurd to me.

 

I also dont get the "The reason I did not commit before sleeping with him was because I was afraid of sex". Shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldnt you be very comfortable with him (since you would be in a committed relationship) and only then be able to have sex? Maybe i am not reading it right, some clarification would help.

[DN]

He claims he gave your number to no one - and that is possible. I was in the services and know how hard it is to maintain privacy. It isn't at all impossible that someone looked through his phone when he was in the showers or something similar.

 

I just think that people are leaping all over this guy without seeing it from what might be his perspective and are assuming he is a player, a liar and who knows what else.

 

But the fact remains that he did ask for a commitment and was refused.

[DN]

He brought up the commitment part many months ago, a lot had changed since then. I spoke to him daily, introduced him to my siblings and friends, even hinted marriage a few years down the line. If this did not sound like I had already committed to him what could?

 

What could? How about "I would like to accept your offer of commitment because I am now ready"

 

You say that in your culture you don't introduce people to family unless there is a sign of commitment - but how is he supposed to know that if it isn't what happens in his culture.

 

What does 'hint of marriage' mean. Hints are elusive things and can go 'whooosh' over the head of the intended recipient. And remember that he didn't hint with you - he asked for a commitment upfront and face to face. Why could you not have paid him the same compliment and been as directly honest?

 

Like I said - he may have been using you. But I think you should look at the other possibilities as well because he asked and you hinted.

[candle23]

edit. double post

[candle23]

He claims he gave your number to no one - and that is possible. I was in the services and know how hard it is to maintain privacy. It isn't at all impossible that someone looked through his phone when he was in the showers or something similar.

 

I just think that people are leaping all over this guy without seeing it from what might be his perspective and are assuming he is a player, a liar and who knows what else.

 

But the fact remains that he did ask for a commitment and was refused.

 

That could be true, I don't know.

[annie24]

but did you really want to be with a guy who was being deployed to iraq for 15 months? you seemed against it at first.

[candle23]

but did you really want to be with a guy who was being deployed to iraq for 15 months? you seemed against it at first.

 

At the beginning, yes. My behavior changed with time though. Is the whole thing my fault? Did I deserve it?

[DN]

At the beginning, yes. My behavior changed with time though. Is the whole thing my fault? Did I deserve it?

Try not to look at this as a question of fault and who deserved what because that won't serve you.

 

Look at it as a lesson about clear communication.

[candle23]

Try not to look at this as a question of fault and who deserved what because that won't serve you.

 

Look at it as a lesson about clear communication.

 

That's a positive way of looking at it, thanks.

[Newbie2010]

You're right, I do need to let it go but I don't know how I can do that. The guy took my virginity and threw me away when he was done, how can I just let it go? He once jokingly said he had tainted me, looking back at that now he probably wasn't joking, it was the only thing he wanted. I feel that he has used me and discarded me, I don't know how to stop dwelling on this.

 

Hi candle, I’ve read the whole thread and thought I need to let you know that you are not an isolated case. I too withheld myself from relationship much longer than you had. Then I fell in love and gave myself away only to have my heart broken immediately like a week afterward. A little bit different to you on some level, me and my Ex parted in a much more civil term, but it still hurts and took sometimes before I can think straight again.

 

My advice is don’t let disappointment beats you down and don’t let hatred covered your perception. We are not perfect, therefore are bond to make some mistakes in our life. But that’s what enhance our experience, make us wiser and hopefully will learn to value the good things, whenever it will come. I’m not a heavily religious person, but base on my understanding in Buddhism. It states everything happened for a reason. People who hurting you now, properly because you had hurt them in a similar way some lives ago. I hope you don’t bury yourself in revenge thoughts because it will be harder for you to move on. Accepted that thing happened the way you didn’t plan for. Think of it as another chapter in life, believe in yourself, be confidence and move on with whatever waiting ahead for you.

 

You can spend all your time, debating if what’s your ex done to you is right or not? But we can’t change what already happened. However you will have control of your future again as of now.

 

Good luck…

[ramsickle1369]

While its easy to say "recognize these creeps before you fall for them", "trust your gut" and "run for the hills". I will go ahead, disagree

The cliche's exist for a reason. They may seem silly, but in the end, it all boils down to this. You can't play by some book of rules others set for themselves. What you do have to do is set your own set of rules and try hard to adhere to them.

 

He brought up the commitment part many months ago, a lot had changed since then. I spoke to him daily, introduced him to my siblings and friends, even hinted marriage a few years down the line. If this did not sound like I had already committed to him what could? If he still wasn't convinced, why didn't he say anything before cutting me off? And why would he give his friends my number?

Candle, this directly contradicts what your original posts state. I think you are just trying to rationalize the fact that you did have sex with him earlier than you were ready to do. It stinks that he is suddenly cutting you off, but honestly, it really seems that you are just having a hard time accepting that he didn't "try" to win you over after the fact. It's best you let him go and learn for yourself. The communication factor seems large here. You really DO have to be able to articulate yourself directly with men. They can't read our minds any better than we can read theirs!

At the beginning, yes. My behavior changed with time though. Is the whole thing my fault? Did I deserve it?

Don't go there babe. There's really never any blame to be had (in most normal relationships). Sometimes they simply aren't right.

Accepted that thing happened the way you didn’t plan for. Think of it as another chapter in life, believe in yourself, be confidence and move on with whatever waiting ahead for you.

Newbie, good post... I think things do happen for a reason, and although we don't know the reason and may never know it, it changes us. We learn about OURSELVES. We learn about what things make US TICK. It's not about them, it's about knowing ourselves well enough to make the decisions that are best for us.

[candle23]

I'm getting sick of talking about him, so I'll let this thread die. Thanks to everyone who posted, you guys have helped me a lot. I'm glad I found this forum.