I got played, how can I deal?

[candle23]

I was with this guy Brian for 3 months, he took my virginity, told me he wanted to commit to me but i did not want to so soon since he's leaving the country in a few months( he's in the army). We continued to see each other, he was the only guy i was with during this time frame and from what i know, he wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

Things seemed to be going well, i had developed feelings for him but all of a sudden he canceled our plans to meet one day and stopped calling me after that. I called him many times but he did not pick up. Finally after a week he texted me that he doesn't want to see me anymore because I won't commit to him. I called him many times afterwards, asking for a chance to explain but he refuses to pick up. Today I got a message from a guy claiming to be Brian's friend, saying Brian often showed off my texts/pictures in a laughing manner. He also said that he's available if I ever need to talk. I called the guy, told him that it seems Brian is trying to pass me off to his friend now like i'm a leftover. He denied it but that's what it seems like to me. At this point I was pretty hurt by Brian's actions and decided to drive to his place to talk to him in person and basically tell him to stop passing my number to his friends. His car wasn't there, I knocked at his door but no one answered so I came back.

 

I feel like this guy used me and threw me away when he had his fun, now he wants his friends to have a piece of me too so he's passing them my number. I've called him but he refuses to pick up. What do I do now? Should I just let it go and ignore messages from his "friends" and just move on? I'm really wounded by the way I've been treated and want to see Brian atleast once in person and tell him to stop hurting me, just to get things off my chest and get some closure. He has hurt me pretty bad, am I supposed to just take it and move on? What's the best thing I can do at this point, please advice.

 

Edit: I don't know if it matters but I'll let you guys know our ages, I'm 26 and he's 31. I'm East Indain and he's Caucasian. Maybe I was a fetish to him..

[sidehop]

Well I'm sure your race has nothing to do with the situation but it does sound like he wasn't really serious with you to begin with. As hard as it may be, you need to move on and stop all contact with him as well as his friend.

[flow2000]

that's right. Go to NC mode. Also don't always hate the player, hate the game

[ramsickle1369]

sounds like a classic player. He's a creep, hon. Some men are just plain jerks (and yes, women do it, too). I'm sorry you lost your virginity to a man like this. It was probably a game to him and he's acting a fool. He has no character and you didn't do anything wrong.

 

I do wonder something, giving this man your virginity after only a short term relationship and then not wanting to commit to him, what were your thoughts in all that?

[ramsickle1369]

that's right. Go to NC mode. Also don't always hate the player, hate the game

 

why can't you hate the player?

[DN]

I am not seeing why he is a player - you are the one who didn't want to commit to him.

 

As to what his friend said - I would want to be sure his story is true.

[candle23]

I texted him telling him to stop giving my number to his friends. He texted back saying he didn't give anyone my number, and that I need to stop texting him. He has treated me like trash, am I supposed to just let it go? I never even got closure. I really want to drive over to his place tomorrow and see him in person. Bad idea?

[candle23]

sounds like a classic player. He's a creep, hon. Some men are just plain jerks (and yes, women do it, too). I'm sorry you lost your virginity to a man like this. It was probably a game to him and he's acting a fool. He has no character and you didn't do anything wrong.

 

I do wonder something, giving this man your virginity after only a short term relationship and then not wanting to commit to him, what were your thoughts in all that?

 

I'd been single all my life and only started dating a few months before I met him. I was single because of my culture, mostly. The reason I didn't want to commit so soon was because I wasn't sure if I was ready for a commitment after being alone all my life. Plus my mom was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, the doctors have told us she has about a year, so I was spending majority of my time taking care of her and didn't prioritize the possibility of a relationship. But I always made sure I made time for him and saw him a few times every week. He never even hinted he was unhappy with me.

[candle23]

I am not seeing why he is a player - you are the one who didn't want to commit to him.

 

As to what his friend said - I would want to be sure his story is true.

 

See my reply above about the commitment thing. The friend knows too much about the situation, only someone close to Brian could know the details.

[nicnicnic]

No, no, and no. Do not contact this guy. He is obviously enjoying you treating yourself like a door mat for him. Don't put yourself down like that. He is a jerk. Do not contact him again.

[ramsickle1369]

First, so sorry about your mother. Best wishes in dealing with that

I texted him telling him to stop giving my number to his friends. He texted back saying he didn't give anyone my number, and that I need to stop texting him. He has treated me like trash, am I supposed to just let it go? I never even got closure. I really want to drive over to his place tomorrow and see him in person. Bad idea?

YES BAD BAD IDEA. You barely really know this guy and regardless of how anyone got your number or who's saying what, the best thing you can do is cut your losses and not get dragged into all kinds of he said she said drama. It's just not worth the wasted time and energy and it will likely never get you closure, anyway. I'd not talk to the friend either. You will just get more and more confused and aggravated. Remember, there's always three sides to a story, his, his friends and the truth. Stay clear of the drama.

I am not seeing why he is a player - you are the one who didn't want to commit to him. As to what his friend said - I would want to be sure his story is true.

DN has a good point. Maybe his feelings were hurt so to hide his hurt he is trash talking? I don't really know since I'm not involved, but people do strange things when rejected.

I wasn't sure if I was ready for a commitment after being alone all my life. Plus my mom was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, the doctors have told us she has about a year, so I was spending majority of my time taking care of her and didn't prioritize the possibility of a relationship. But I always made sure I made time for him and saw him a few times every week. He never even hinted he was unhappy with me.

Since you essentially denied him the relationship he was wanting, but wanted to be with him still, you kinda sent a mixed message even though you were up front with him. My guess is he may just not have been able to be with you knowing he wasn't your one and only. IDK, tho...

 

Either way, I highly suggest you just let it be. I've been sucked into that crap recently and it got REALLY ugly and I regret a few things (but not so much b/c he was truly a sociopath!) But I did allow someone to take me down to their level--which is not something I would normally have done. Stay clear of the drama and take the high road.

[arcadefire]

I think he's a classic player. Just completely ignore this creep. He's a scumbag who doesn't deserve any more of your precious time.

 

Don't think of this as a regret. You could have never known this could happen. I know you are hurting right now, but take this as an experience in what you seek and not seek from your future partner.

 

I got played pretty bad too, and because of it I've definitely became stronger and more wise in future relationships. My advice is to not hold a grudge and just let it go. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and learn to let go of this hurt. My other piece of advice is to completely ignore this piece of trash.

[ramsickle1369]

I think he's a classic player. Just completely ignore this creep. He's a scumbag who doesn't deserve any more of your precious time.

 

Don't think of this as a regret. You could have never known this could happen. I know you are hurting right now, but take this as an experience in what you seek and not seek from your future partner.

 

I got played pretty bad too, and because of it I've definitely became stronger and more wise in future relationships. My advice is to not hold a grudge and just let it go. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and learn to let go of this hurt. My other piece of advice is to completely ignore this piece of trash.

 

Touche. Wish we were all stronger than we are sometimes....

[candle23]

I admit I was scared of committing in the beginning, but I was slowly warming up to the idea. Recently I introduced him to my siblings and friends, I even mentioned introducing him to my Dad a few years down the line. [in my culture, you're only supposed to introduce your partner to your parents when you're sure you want to get married.] I'm sure he could tell I was falling for him. I never expected him to discard me like this.

[enzarto]

if you want closure, you can tell him not to go around showing feeling for them and then walking off like that its immature because its misleading, if he knows anything about relationships, he would know that he needs to speak his mind instead of go off not saying a word about how he feels about you. he pulled a bad move on you, and i quite sincerely detest that kind of behaviour because it has no worth besides hurting someone's feelings. well like any other experience i suppose there is a lesson involved in this, keener observation to the person you're interested in, look for signs, and maybe take time before making any moves to heighten the relationship. the ethnic background and ages in this respect and in my view are totally irrelevant.

[DN]

[in my culture, you're only supposed to introduce your partner to your parents when you're sure you want to get married.]

Is he aware of that?

 

if he knows anything about relationships, he would know that he needs to speak his mind instead of go off not saying a word about how he feels about you.

I understood that he did tell you why he was breaking up with you - that you would not commit to him.

[candle23]

I have thought about changing my number, but I'm the primary caretaker of my mom; and all doctors, pretty much everyone at the hospital she's being treated at have my number. I'm the one they always call, my mom doesn't speak English. It would a complete hassle to call everyone there and make sure they have my new number, but it might be just what I'll have to do..

[ramsickle1369]

I admit I was scared of committing in the beginning, but I was slowly warming up to the idea. Recently I introduced him to my siblings and friends, I even mentioned introducing him to my Dad a few years down the line. [in my culture, you're only supposed to introduce your partner to your parents when you're sure you want to get married.] I'm sure he could tell I was falling for him. I never expected him to discard me like this.

 

Yeah, it's unfortunate. But people show you their true colors early on. At least this way you haven't invested TOO much into him. It's natural to want what you can't have. You may be just dealing with the IDEA of not getting him instead of the man himself. His ability to discard you (as you put it) may have many reasons, but in the end, only time will tell. To me, the fact that things seem to have gotten ugly in such a short period of time make me think that he's simply not a quality guy. I know it's hard to deal with a loss, even when it was only a short term thing. Sometimes it doesn't have to be a long time in order to fall for someone. Cut your losses and recognize the red flags. Regardless if he really is giving out your number or not, it appears that his friends are getting more involved than they should. Step away from their drama. It will only drag you down.

[candle23]

Is he aware of that?

 

 

I understood that he did tell you why he was breaking up with you - that you would not commit to him.

 

Yes, he was aware of that.

 

With the abrupt manner that he left me, refusing to even speak to me on the phone, the reason doesn't make sense. Maybe he found someone else. Or just got tired of me. I feel like discarded trash right now.

[ramsickle1369]

I have thought about changing my number, but I'm the primary caretaker of my mom; and all doctors, pretty much everyone at the hospital she's being treated at have my number. I'm the one they always call, my mom doesn't speak English. It would a complete hassle to call everyone there and make sure they have my new number, but it might be just what I'll have to do..

 

If it's a cell phone, just block thier numbers so you don't get anything. Most carriers have this option these days. I've done the block and I tell ya, it's a relief to hear the phone ring or get a message and KNOW it's not any of them.

[ramsickle1369]

Yes, he was aware of that.

 

With the abrupt manner that he left me, refusing to even speak to me on the phone, the reason doesn't make sense. Maybe he found someone else. Or just got tired of me. I feel like discarded trash right now.

 

which is not a person you need in your life. ZERO respect. He's being selfish and not giving a crap about your feelings. That's NOT OK. NOT EVER... A lesson I've learned the hard way...

 

A respectable person will at least hear you out and tell you they just want to move on...

[candle23]

Thanks, I've decided to not contact him any further. Maybe I should change my number to ensure I don't hear from his "friends"..

[ramsickle1369]

Thanks, I've decided to not contact him any further. Maybe I should change my number to ensure I don't hear from his "friends"..

 

Good. You are stronger than I was... Probably not necessary to change your number. Just don't pick up. Don't talk to them. Eventually they'll go away...

[candle23]

which is not a person you need in your life. ZERO respect. He's being selfish and not giving a crap about your feelings. That's NOT OK. NOT EVER... A lesson I've learned the hard way...

 

A respectable person will at least hear you out and tell you they just want to move on...

 

I'm so confused and hurt. Is this a cultural thing? Is this how all white guys are? I shouldn't be making crass generalizations but how can I figure out I'm not just some fetish for them..

[enzarto]

Is he aware of that?

 

 

I understood that he did tell you why he was breaking up with you - that you would not commit to him.

 

actually, i did read that detail, but that seems somewhat suspect to me, and if he's such an advocate of commitment, why would he not give his partner a chance to explain?

 

HE IS RIDICULOUS! sorry that kind of attitude angers me