How do I not break his heart

[alex21]

I'm going out with the guy girls dream of meeting. We're both 23. In our supposed prime. He's totally unaware he's gorgeous, drops everything when I'm sick, is one of the funniest people you'll meet, is an absolute genius with the brightest future ahead of him, yet is still totally cool (absolute opposite of a nerd). Plus more, but I won't bore you.

 

He's my best friend. Only problem is, he's absolutely passionately in love with me, and loves sex, but I feel completely cheated by life because I just don't like sex at all. We've been going out for 2 and a half years. We both keep hoping that I'll change. Like one morning I'll wake up and decide I like it or something. Still hasn't happened.

We're like a 60 year old couple, who are best friends, and have everything that it takes to make the relationship last but we never have sex (even though he tries all the time, and I feel guilty 100% of the time). I feel like I'm a prison sentence. He doesn't want to break up with me, because he loves me, but gets incredibly frustrated that I can't be intimate with him.

 

I don't want to be with anyone else, but I can't see how this relationship can last with this massive gap in it. I kept hoping that he would find another girl (even though it would hurt like no tomorrow) so that at least he'd be getting some, but he doesn't have eyes for anyone else. The guy must be made of patience! I don't understand why he's still with me.

 

So basically, I know I'm going to feel absolutely horrible, but how do I (for lack of a better phrase) set him free? without breaking his heart? I almost don't mind being a casualty in this because I just feel so bad, every day he's with me.

 

I guess I'm also worried that if we did break up, who would I end up with? Some other poor man who gets ensnared by my rad personality and then gets too deep before realising my distaste for sex?

 

I am aware I sound like a total sook. my apologies!

But I need the help. How does one break up with Prince Charming? the man who is obviously going to grow up to be the successful and perfect husband and father? who I'll feel so hopelessly jealous of what I could have had.

Oh dear!

[misssmithviii]

This might be a bit personal, but have you ever had truly enjoyable sex? An orgasm is a very pleasurable feeling, literally down to all the feel-good feelings in your brain, so it makes me wonder if you've ever experienced it with another man.

That, and why not at least give it a shot? He's so amazing and wonderful, why let him go?

[ForumGuy]

I'm surprised to hear this because I am a guy, who feels like you do and always has.

 

Then reading misssmithviii response above, is even more ironic. I have had many sexual encounters through a couple of marriages and 3 children, but still don't long for sex and am completely OK without it.

 

You should take heed to what misssmithviii is saying though, you maybe have just not had "good sex" yet, maybe I haven't either. Good Luck. Still can't believe I read your post.

[RedDress]

You know... I actually have a girl friend who had the exact same problem. I didn't know what to tell her either. She broke up with him (much to his dismay) and he eventually found someone else, got married and now has 3 kids. My friend? Single.

 

I think maybe you should talk to someone (professional) about this. You are right that it will come up over and over again until you figure out why. Most relationships involve sex. I know my friend has a deep-seated ummm... mistrust? of men. She's just very skeptical. Even though she knew that THIS guy was a saint, I suspect there was some 'blockage' there.

 

I guess I just wanted to write to tell you that you are not alone.

[waveseer]

Have you considered sex therapy for couples?

[alex21]

wow. I actually got some good responses!

We haven't tried sex therapy for couples.. would be worth spending the money on if it would actually help.. But then like RedDress suggested just me talking to a professional could be the way, because the problem does lie with me. I mean, I don't even like kissing him (shock! I know!). What kind of 23 year old doesn't like to kiss? haha.

RedDress that story is my absolute worst fear! But at the same time, yeah it does feel good to not be the only weird one..

it did spark a small amount of comfort that there is a man out there who is happy living without sex, only I'm not so sure my boyfriend would quite feel the same.. unless he grew into this? Surely I would be the most frowned upon woman to turn a passionate sex loving male into a man who is just content to enjoy my company?

Thanks for taking the time to read an reply. This is good, helping me lean towards fixing the problem instead of abandoning it... I hope!

[Ms Darcy]

You know... I actually have a girl friend who had the exact same problem. I didn't know what to tell her either. She broke up with him (much to his dismay) and he eventually found someone else, got married and now has 3 kids. My friend? Single.

 

I think the only options are to leave him so he can find someone else like above or you can get some therapy (sex therapy or whatnot). Good luck.

[alcide]

are you a vagin?

[orchidrose]

I went through a similar situation and stuck it out. For a very long time, sex was just not enjoyable to me, and I think it came down to two things: 1) I was a virgin until age 21, so I constantly felt like I was less experienced than my partner and worried about pleasing him; and 2) I had a lot of trouble with infections and such when we first started sleeping together, which led to a fear of pain during sex.

 

Is this your first sex partner? Did you lose your virginity at a later than average age? Have you ever at least had an interest in sex with anyone other than him?

 

Do a little research into asexuality. It may very well not be what's plaguing you, but it could give you some insight.