Vacation Chaos: VERY LONG but want Feedback

[sayer7]

Read the bold text for the abbreviated version.

 

My bf and I went to Florida for a vacation with another couple and another friend (3 guys and 2 women altogether), everything was alright until the last 24 hours when everything went to pot.

 

On our last day and night together, around 5pm all the guys suddenly disappeared on us women for over 2 hours without telling us where they were going. We ladies were pissed. Around 6:30pm, we ladies decide it's time for dinner- the guys still aren't back. So we go to the restaurant and make a reservation for all of us at 7pm and leave a note on the door where we are and that if the guys get back by 7pm to come join us- otherwise they couldn't (the restaurant doesn't seat incomplete tables- so it was either all of us, or just the two of us).

 

At 7pm they still didn't show up so we sit down just the two of us and begin our meal. Around 7:30 they guys finally show up at the table. I told my bf that I felt it was really disrespectful of him not to even tell us where they were going, or that they were going to leave the resort property. They apologize and say they won't do it again. The issue becomes water under the bridge and we all enjoy the rest of our dinner together.

 

After dinner we walk to town from the resort and at a bar we meet an intoxicated stranger that invites us to a jazz bar he knows... we go- it was okay but we decide the stranger is really weird in the head and very intoxicated and we girls and the other friend don't like him at all and want him to go away. Our bf's decide they like him because the stranger turns out to be wealthy and when the stranger invites us all to go to his yacht, we turn him down, but the bf's invite him back to the resort to have a beer at our room. This gets us ladies and the single friend pretty angry.

 

1:30AM we walk to the stranger's car to go back to the resort. I realize that the drunk stranger was offering us a ride back to the resort (the drunk stranger driving). I turn the offer down hoping that the others would do the same, but instead they all get into his car. So I start walking back to the resort by myself pretty pissed (a 20minute walk). My bf gets angry that I'm being a "stick-in-the-mud" but decides to walk back with me and runs to catch up. All the while he is angry with me for not just getting in the car of the drunk stranger. I'm angry at my bf for even considering doing something so stupid. The rest of the group drives back in the car with the drunk stranger. We find out later that although they get back to the resort safely the drunk stranger driver ran stop signs and drove too fast, was drinking hard liquer the whole time, and everyone felt very unsafe and wished they had walked like I had.

 

On the walk back I made it crystal clear to my bf I did not like the drunk stranger, that getting in a drunk stranger's car was stupid and that I wasn't raised by my parents to do stupid things like that.

 

After my bf and I get back everyone is sitting outside having a beer except for me- I was so angry with everyone, especially my bf who gave me the third degree about walking back rather than taking the ride- I didn't feel like being social so I started watching a movie inside the room.

 

After about two hours, the drunk stranger still doesn't leave despite the fact we have all decided he's weird and want him to leave. Unbeknown to the rest of the group, he invites the two bf's out to his yacht and the two bf's accept. While us ladies and the friend are inside getting refills on drinks and munchies the two bf's suddenly disappear with the drunk stranger without telling any of us where they were going. All three of us become VERY worried when we realize the stranger's car is gone and that the drunk stranger is probably driving. At this time it is about 3:30AM.

 

Around 5:30 AM and after searching the town for the boys the three of us decide we have to go to bed. My bf and I had to drive home that day (a 6 hour drive). We go back to the resort and try to get some sleep. Around 6:30 AM the bf's and the drunk stranger are back and very shaken up. Apparently at the yacht some hoodlums tried to beat up the drunken stranger and the bf's were scared and couldn't contact us because they didn't take their cell phones and the drunken stranger refused to drive them back before a good fight with the hoodlums.

 

At this point I'm royally pissed at my bf for doing the same disappearing stunt twice in a 12 hour period and putting himself in so much danger despite knowing how I felt about the drunk stranger.

 

No one got sleep because we were all worried about where the two bf's were and we had to do a 6 hour drive. The other girlfriend is throwing up in the bathroom she's so worried. I'm livid when the three finally get back and go out to tell the drunk stranger to go home. Instead the drunk stranger asks for a beer and a rum and coke, which my bf actually supplies him which makes me even angrier with my bf. (At this point it is about 7AM.)

 

The drunk stranger doesn't leave until 9:30AM because he's trying to be Dr. Phil, explain why the bf's were gone so long and about the fight with the hoodlums and to try to patch things up between the bf's and the gf's.

 

I told my bf on the drive home that I was seriously considering breaking up with him and that the only way I'd consider staying with him was if he learned to be more respectful to others, be a lot less selffish, and be more communicative about issues that he'd refused to talk about over a 2 year period. He says it's a shame to waste such a good relationship.

 

Am I over reacting? I really don't want to be with him if he's going to be the person he's been for the 2 years I've known him - inconsiderate of others' feelings, utterly selffish, and doing stupid things to spite me.

 

Anyway, I'm venting and really have made up my mind that I don't want him as a bf if he's going to continue to act and be that way without trying to change for the better. Would love your input on the situation though.

[Beec]

You write out a big story on how he acted on one night and then say you don't want him if he acts like how he has acted over the last two years. But you say nohting baout how he has acted over the two years.

 

If he did something repeatedly for two years and you said nothing, then you have only yourself to blame for repeated occurrences. If someone doing "A" bothers you, and they don't know it, how can you blame them for doing "A" again and again. So, I am not sure about your complaints over two years.

 

Did he do something you did not want to on that night? Yes. Was it stupid? Probably? Is it a dumping offense? I'm not sure about that.

[johnagent1911]

Uh... This to me sounds like you might be over reacting about the stranger thing. I mean, he's just another person and you told your boyfriend that he can't "play" with him because you didn't like him? I mean he just wanted to hang out with the guy. Is that so bad?

 

Now for him leaving without telling you what's up is kind of messed up but still isn't something to give up someone you love over it. At least not in my mind. On another level using the "I gonna' break up with you" as a weapon isn't such a classy move either.

 

I say work this out but don't let it get out control. Why fight?

-1911

[sayer7]

I've been posting about him on here for about two years now... just go back through my posting history if you want to learn more about him. I've tried to talk with him about all the issues, he either rolls over and says he's too tired or says he doesn't want to talk about it and leaves the room.

 

He's done this kind of thing more than once and more then just this vacation. And he never tries to resolve our issues but prefers to sweep things under the rug.

[johnagent1911]

Well, then it time to see where you stand with him... Do you want a relationship with him? I'd think about this on my own.

 

-1911

[sisterlynch]

He definitely wasn't being a very responsible person or using good judgement. You are going to have to deal with this type of situation over and over. He is really a little boy at heart and can't seem to say no.

 

Here is the big picture, he will do this over and over until the consequences of his action over ride the fun that he had at being bad.

 

I would seriously consider counseling over this, you aren't going to change him on your own. If you consider seriously going to a counselor he may realize that he hasn't been very considerate to you in general and try and make it up to you.

 

If you succeed in getting him to go, he may tell you the secrets that he had been holding on to. If he can't tell you his secrets and won't go to the counselor, I would say good bye to him.

 

In the end it really isn't worth it. If you break up with him -- that may be the catelist to allow him to change and grow up. Make rules and limits, and stick to your guns. You have my support and many of the other women on this sight too!

[Beec]

Well, I am not going to review your history, but will take your word on it and accept it as true.

 

The next thing I'd want to know is what do you want and would like to see. If he has lost all his chances, then dump him. If you want to give him one more, then set him up for it and walk out. That might work, or it might not. He may repent for a short while, only to fall back in. It's up to you.

[johnagent1911]

You can't change a person... Don't play these cards or it's going to back fire...

[dikaia880]

If this is a more than one time thing, he needs to learn to respect your feelings and concerns...While going off with a stranger is one thing, just ditching you is another...it shows no class and no respect... If like you said this is going on for two years, you need to say to him...'heres the deal either we work these things out and find some common ground now, or I'm done with this relationship...' because it doesn't seem like your happy with it, so why stay in it? Give him the chance to work it out, but if he backs away from discussion like you said he's done before then he's not willing to try so why should you?

Good luck...

[sisterlynch]

You can't change a person... Don't play these cards or it's going to back fire...

 

 

What are you referring to? People change as they mature. It is very unhealthy to believe that a person never will change.

[Beec]

People can change. Do they often? No.

 

But if you have been in a relationship for two years, I'd guess the guy is pretty ok is most ways. Something's wrong. Cna he change this behavior sure, as much or easier than someone can quit drinking or smoking, etc. He has to want to do it, which means there needs to be some motivation.

 

I would pretty much tell him something like what dikaia said, I would just set him up for it to be a long fall. I'd make him feel great and wonderful and loved, then I would leave with words like dikaia's. If he chases, tell him to make his choice and then it is all his choice. No regrets allowed.

[LonelyGirl]

I'm in a bad relationship currently and want out. You just need to say goodbye. I know I shouldn't talk but if you don't live with him, you're not married and don't have kids...Get out before it's too late. You'll just get more and more attached and more hurt. I'm going through it all and have been going through it for years. My boyfriend sounds similar to yours. It hurts you and I know that! Him not wanting to talk about it is something he won't change. He won't change anyways. I've learned. A person won't change unless they want to and sometimes that doesn't even make it happen. Go out and leave this guy. I want to to do the same but have a few loose ends to tie up unfortunately.

Remember a good relationship takes two. He doesn't seem to be thinking about your feelings and you're part of the relationship. If he can't see past his own shoes then he's never going to. Leave 'em.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[johnagent1911]

I said you can't change a person... They can change them selves but you can not change them.

 

Being mature is on their part and not anyone else's.

 

-1911