gaga920 Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 well I have been with my bf for four years and we have been living together a little over 6 months. since I have moved in with him, I have been very cool and understanding about him going out and hanging with his friends. I do like my quiet, private time. I don't want him to feel trapped. so I have been pretty ok with anytime he wants to go out. this past week he was home one nite. the other nites he has been at his friend's house. we just got in a fight over the phone because I asked him this morning if he would be home tonite and he said yes. but then he went to his friend's and now he is going to be there for the nite. he acted like I Was being a baby for wanting to spend time with him. he said we live together and see each other all the time (which is a LIE) I work 4:30am-4pm he gets home late and I go to bed early..... if he even comes home before I go to bed! I am so frusturated I don't know what to do or say to him anymore. I Am so sick of this battle. I just wanted to spend some time with him tonite... tomorrow, and monday he has plans so there goes two more days. I asked him if he doesn't want to hang with me, if I am doing something wrong. he said "no way I just like being outside it is nice out" I am allowed to go along to these friend's houses but that gets real old. they just sit around and drink and say the same dumb jokes/things over and over. am I being a baby? HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE YOUR BF/GF IF YOU ARE LIVING TOGETHER? p.s. I do have friends who I hang with. I just like to stay home alot because I work alot thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 By night do you mean he sleeps over there? Or does he just get home late? I have never lived with a boyfriend, but most couples I know who are in serious relationships (and me when I was in one), spend at least one week night together and a big part of the week-end. It sounds like he's basically a ghost. I think he's being unreasonable, and it's a big issue if he doesn't realize that it's a problem that he spends no time with you. If I were you I would "reserve" an evening with him for next week, and go out and also try to address this with him at the same time. This has to be an in-person convo, but it's also a really important one to have, and soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 Gaga: It sounds lethally boring! I don't know what else to say. Ask yourself: what is so wonderful about this relationship? Hermes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 To me it sounds like he is treating you like a roomate not a gf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belgian girl Posted April 10, 2010 Share Posted April 10, 2010 About twice a week. Once near the end of the week days, I guess to prepare mentally to * * * * at the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreedomRing Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 We don't live together and live about 25 mins apart. We see each other about once during the work week(he'll come over for dinner and spend the night at my place since I work full time and have an internship) and we spend Fri-Sun together. When I lived with my exbf, he spent every night at home, and most evenings we would prepare dinner together or go to movies together after work....but different bed times(I was very early, and he was a late night person).. Tbh, your bf's outlook and behavior regarding your relationship now that you're living together, is one the big reasons cited for not living together prior to marriage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanesoul Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 To me it sounds like he is treating you like a roomate not a gf. This is my take too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 I don't like living with anyone for just this reason. If you want to go hang out with your friends, you're hurting someone you care for. Every time this has happened and they complained I felt like I was trapped in a prison. I know you have a right to be upset, he probably should be home more often, but push it, and you will be living solo real soon. You are not wrong, he is not wrong, you guys just aren't compatible in this area. Either compromise or go back to having separate residences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misssmithviii Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 I have been living with my bf for over a year now and we spend almost every minute together - you'd think we'd get sick of eachother but it helps being bestfriends (having a common interest for kicking back or whatnot). I think he should compromise with you bc it looks like it's just you trying and he's not. I do however say spend at least one night a week with his friends - perhaps that will incline him to spend time with you. Or go out with your gfs. Either which way he really is treating you like a roommate instead of a gf (quoting) and you should definitely talk to him about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaga920 Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 I don't like living with anyone for just this reason. If you want to go hang out with your friends, you're hurting someone you care for. Every time this has happened and they complained I felt like I was trapped in a prison. I know you have a right to be upset, he probably should be home more often, but push it, and you will be living solo real soon. You are not wrong, he is not wrong, you guys just aren't compatible in this area. Either compromise or go back to having separate residences. do you think I am making a big deal out of nothing? I usually don't mind him being out but this week it was every nite. and sometimes I feel it is ok to have that space because we are ok as a couple, but then I read something or someone says something to make me think that it is not normal and it is a bad thing we spend so much time apart. we have been together almost 5 years. I am comfortable with not seeing him every second of the day. I wanted to know if it is normal for couples to not see each other all the time when living together. it bothers me today, but usually I am ok with it. sometimes he will spend the nite at his friends because I refuse to get up in the middle of the nite to get him and he has been drinking and he won't drive. *I used to do it but it became too frequent, and I get up at 4am in the morning. we have cabs in the town so he is never without a ride in the end, and he always has a place to stay* I really love him, we have been thru so much. I know he cares about me. we are best friends as well like one poster commented. I wanted to know what was normal and what isn't. thanks for all the helpful answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 "Normal" is what works for both of you as a couple. That arrangement certainly would not work for me in any aspect. If it works for you that is great, at the same time though I think if he is going out excessively and it bothers you, you should say something before resentment builds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misssmithviii Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Best friends will listen to each other's concerns (at least I should hope so) and lovers who are also best friends should be willing to compromise as well. Have you told him how you feel? Have you extensively explained your needs? Either he doesn't understand or he doesn't have the will anymore to try. Which ever it is, I suggest you discuss it with him as soon as you have your thoughts together (so you won't get too flustered) otherwise this will continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Asti_ Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 For the most part, I'd say daily. But its his work schedule that prevents us from spending time together, if he's on nights..it may be 5 days before we see each other because we're coming at going at the same time and don't connect. And as a result, we've always made spending time together when he's not on nights the focus of our downtime. But if its normal day shift, for the most part, we spend our evenings together, going out doing things, going out with other couples, or just a quiet evening indoors. We coordinate our schedules, so that if I have a social thing, he will make one as well, w've always been that way. We want to maximize time together, but also keep other things going in our lives, that we communicate our plans to each other and coordinate accordingly. But we're also really best friends essentially, we have a blast together doing nothing, and just enjoy being around the other person and try and do so as much as possible. We've never had issues with balancing personal time, social things, and hobbies. We've been together 6 years, living together almost 9 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TropicalParadise Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 My fiance and I live together. He works 12 hour shifts and gets home at 8 pm at night. I work 3-11pm usually three to four nights a week and then I work every other weekend. So we don't get to spend a ton of time together as much as I would like. On my nights off we always spend the evening together. And once a week we have date night, where we get out of the hosue and do something fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 My b/f and I are not living together (we've only been dating four months), but we usually see each other 2-3 times a week for sleepovers. We usually go out for a date at least once a week -- concerts, plays, movies, dinner, etc. OP, it's good that you're staying busy with other things and that you value your own down time. But I can see why you would be upset. It sounds like he is treating you like an afterthought and that he's overly focused on his nightlife and buddies. Was he always like this, even before you moved in together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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