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His temper... but not with me.


youcancallmeJ

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I've been dating a guy for about 7 months or so, and in the last 2 months I really feel like I could be falling in love with him. He's very attentive and kind to me. We have an amazing sex life and he seems to be responsible. Once he graduates college I know he'll get a good job, and we've even talked about starting a family.

 

Here is what concerns me... his temper is a little out of control. We'll be driving, and he has to curse at every single person that cuts him off or drives too slow in front of him. It's very unattractive. When he gets a call from work, I'll see his mood do a 180. He won't yell, but he'll talk very harshly to the person on the other end. This temper has only come out towards me once, and again, he didn't yell, but he gave me this piercing look, and I could tell he was enraged but was holding back. I dropped the topic, then about 10 minutes later he apologized. It didn't scare me, but it concerned me for our future. I was so bothered by this that I actually confronted him and he said his temper can get a lot worse than what I've seen but that he has been better since he's been with me. He even admitted to being insecure, which is where he thinks the anger comes from.

 

So... What do I do? Wait it out? He's only 26 so maybe he'll grow out of it. I just don't want to fall in love then have this harsh reality that he is psycho. He tells me that he will never hurt me and that he's crazy about me. I know he is, but I'm not sure if this is something I should overlook.

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If someone treats other people badly then that is a very good indication of the way that person will treat you once the honeymoon period is over. Once he gets more comfortable with you his anger and hostility will come out in full force if you do something that he decides is annoying. I would get out now..he has already shown you his character and it isn't pretty.

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Don't overlook it. Here's the simple test...tell him you have concerns about his temper and that you insist he go to a counseling session with you. If he agrees to go, that's a good sign. It signifies humility and a willingness to work on something that's obviously a problem. If he hesitates in going or refuses, then it signifies an unwillingness to change and a lack of humility. This is the last red flag you should avail yourself to...at that point, just leave.

 

Lots of people plow right on past the red flags and it never ends well. Just read some of the stories on this forum.

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This temper has only come out towards me once

 

so far

I could tell he was enraged but was holding back.

 

this time...

 

Sweetheart, you know the answer. I'll say it if you want.

 

MASSIVE red flag, he WON'T grow out of it, you have HEARD your intuition - now act on it.

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No offense, but this sounds like it could be a major problem in the future. He is holding back right now because he knows if he unleashes it on you, you are not going to want to be with him any more. If he has a horrible temper with everyone, what makes you think you are the exception ?..In time, there will be moments where you will be on the other end of it, and you have to ask yourself if that is worth it. This kind of thing always escalates. Considering you already think its unattractive now, you should keep that in mind.

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Hmmm... honestly this is really something you should be VERY concerned about. He hasn't directed his anger toward you yet because you've only been together 7 months. If he has this much trouble with his anger, it's only a matter of time before it is directed at you. There is no reason why he would be capable of being so angry at everyone else but not you, once this relationship is no longer a novelty. It WILL happen. Only 26??? Yeah, he's not going to outgrow this. He should really see a therapist about this. And if he doesn't, I highly suggest that you end this relationship now because it is about to get very volatile, probably within 6 months to a year. I would give him that ultimatum. See a therapist NOW or you are leaving.

 

Does he ever get in physical fights with people? If he does, he may very well become physical with you in the future. And if he doesn't get help, do you really want to sit around & see how long it takes for that to happen?

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If someone treats other people badly then that is a very good indication of the way that person will treat you once the honeymoon period is over. Once he gets more comfortable with you his anger and hostility will come out in full force if you do something that he decides is annoying. I would get out now..he has already shown you his character and it isn't pretty.

 

I agree completely!

This guy will not change,and you should get out now.

Please don't think it's something you can fix.

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I haven't been here long, but I've noticed that if there's something wrong with someone then the advice often given is the other person should leave the relationship.

 

Doesn't mean to say he's violent. Maybe he could get some help to deal with his temper.

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When you've been here longer you will have read more threads about abusive partners...

 

You're right that a knee-jerk reaction isn't always good, but in matters of physical abuse, there isn't always a second chance to get it right. Somebody has just linked to a story on another thread, about a woman who has died after her partner was released after his 'first offence' (she didn't admit to any more). He came back, found her and killed her. Her kids had to deal with the scene and the aftermath.

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Please...

 

Councelling? Therapists? Ultimatums?

 

All this because he curses at bad drivers, or gets annoyed with subordinates calling him, or gives 'a look'?!

 

I know, it's silly.

 

Don't most men swear and get angry at times? I know I do, most of my mates do, most other men I've worked with swear and get irritated at times. Far as I know, none of them beat or rape women, I know I sure as hell don't

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When you've been here longer you will have read more threads about abusive partners...

 

You're right that a knee-jerk reaction isn't always good, but in matters of physical abuse, there isn't always a second chance to get it right. Somebody has just linked to a story on another thread, about a woman who has died after her partner was released after his 'first offence' (she didn't admit to any more). He came back, found her and killed her. Her kids had to deal with the scene and the aftermath.

 

So basically a guy isn't allowed to get angry now? Some of the standards of the women on here are blimmin high, let me tell you.

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So basically a guy isn't allowed to get angry now? Some of the standards of the women on here are blimmin high, let me tell you.

 

Yeah, god damn them asking advice on going out with someone whose temper is enough to scare them.

 

It's not about the temper, it's about the degree of temper.

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There is getting angry at the occasional irritation and then there is having clear anger management issues, where everyone and every even causes the person to throw a tantrum. This is what the red flags are in this case...he is easily angered and lashes out at everyone no matter what. Someone who has that much rage in them is not a good bet for a partner. Even if it doesn't lead to physical violence, ultimately it leaves the partner feeling uncomfortable and like they are walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow-up.

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Yeah, god damn them asking advice on going out with someone whose temper is enough to scare them.

 

It's not about the temper, it's about the degree of temper.

 

She never said she was scared of his temper. If it is about the degree of temper then he doesn't really have a bad temper. Maybe road rage, that's what it seems more like.

 

There is getting angry at the occasional irritation and then there is having clear anger management issues, where everyone and every even causes the person to throw a tantrum. This is what the red flags are in this case...he is easily angered and lashes out at everyone no matter what. Someone who has that much rage in them is not a good bet for a partner. Even if it doesn't lead to physical violence, ultimately it leaves the partner feeling uncomfortable and like they are walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow-up.

 

So hang on, the guy abuses other people when he's driving and talks harshly to co-workers? That to you constitutes major anger issues? Are you serious?

 

If the guy was involved in fights, smashing the house up or threatening to kill, now that's anger problems.

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She never said she was scared of his temper. If it is about the degree of temper then he doesn't really have a bad temper. Maybe road rage, that's what it seems more like.

 

 

 

So hang on, the guy abuses other people when he's driving and talks harshly to co-workers? That to you constitutes major anger issues? Are you serious?

 

If the guy was involved in fights, smashing the house up or threatening to kill, now that's anger problems.

 

There has been an article that has been linked to here on ENA about how to recognize a jerk..and one of the telltale signs is how they treat others..because that is a sign of their character. A person who is constantly rude to people and angry at people has character issues that will not make a good partner.

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Please...

 

Councelling? Therapists? Ultimatums?

 

All this because he curses at bad drivers, or gets annoyed with subordinates calling him, or gives 'a look'?!

 

Well, it's hard to judge whether or not his anger exceeds what is considered normal because we haven't seen him in real life. If he expressed about the same amount of anger as the typical person would in a typical situation, I doubt the OP would have posted this topic in the first place. She may not have been frightened by him, but she is obviously concerned or else she wouldn't have come here. And she did say he was "enraged" about some topic she brought up. In the 2 years we've been together, I can honestly say I've never seen my bf enraged. Even I have a bit of a temper at times but I wouldn't say I was enraged either. At the very least, I would call this a "red flag".

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Let me elaborate a bit more. He is a fairly naive person in general, hasn't had a lot of life experience, so this is why I think he may grow out of it. In other words, he seems a bit mailable, especially when it comes to accommodating me.

 

What really caused me to post this was an incident that happened last night. We were talking about his old job he had about a year ago, and I know there was an "issue" that occurred causing him to walk out and quit. When I asked him about it he basically said, "I can't talk about it." This sparked my curiosity, so I pried a bit more and he basically told me that this incident caused him so much turmoil that he was scared to even think back or talk about it. Then he said, "I've never been so mad in my life, I was literally shaking."

 

His temper is a few notches above what you see from the average pissed off person. I'm not trying to fix him, but it's hard for me to say, "oh, I'm done with him", when he's still the guy that will drop everything for me when I need him. So I'm still stumped despite all the good advice.

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Thanks for the additional info. I can see why you wouldn't want to throw everything away before anything actually bad has happened. I still think anger management classes would be a good thing for him. Even if they don't think he has much of a problem, it's not like it's going to do any harm.

 

I would definitely let him know his anger is a concern to you & you wish he would do his best to control it, perhaps seeing someone for it. I would also set yourself some... I don't know, "rules" so you know if his anger has gotten out of control with you. When you're in a relationship for a while, it can get hard to see if things are truly normal & okay, or if they have gone completely off the wire & you just can't see it because you are in the middle of it. I would make a list of specific instances when things have gone too far, for example:

 

The first time he raises his voice and demeans me.

The first time he breaks something with the intention of intimidating me

The first time he yells within inches of my face

The first time he threatens me, physically or otherwise

The first time I fear him

 

You don't have to actually give him the list, just spell out for yourself some specific instances that you should remember for the future to make sure you don't get wrapped up in the middle of it so much that you can't see what's happening. You can just tell him that you are concerned about his anger and you would like to help him, but if this intense, above-normal range anger is ever directed at you, you will have to leave the relationship. You can certainly try to help him with this, but remember it is not your JOB to fix him and you are not obligated to do so.

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He is a fairly naive person in general, hasn't had a lot of life experience, so this is why I think he may grow out of it.

 

Anger management issues have to do with a person's characater, not how much life experience they have. Plenty of people with lots of life experience have anger management issues because that is their character. You don't grow out of it, you have to work on yourself to fix the problem. He is the one that needs to fix it...you can't fix it for him.

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