Not Sure What I Should Do

[teroa]

My wife and I have been married for 4.5 years, and I have been contemplating divorce for at least a year now.

 

We rushed into marriage for various reasons (no children), and at first the amount of physical passion we had overshadowed all the other compatibility issues. We don't share the same values, the same religion, tastes for the same music, books, or even the same first language.

 

Recently I gave up a great job of 5 years to move out the west coast because she wanted a change of scenery, and I did it because I thought that it might help our relationship.

 

We have been out here just over a month and I *really* hate this place. I have gotten a job, but I don't have any friends here, nor do I enjoy anything about the place.

 

I think we both have the realization (as it comes out in arguments sometimes) that we made a mistake in getting married, but I am not sure what I should do to end it. Our families are close (I absolutely adore her's) and there seems to be this "perfect couple" perception of us. Even though I know it is about *our* happiness, I can't help but feel the weight of those expectations. Also, we have a dog that was her's, but that I grew close to (funny how not being able to see the dog invokes more of an emotional response than the idea of being seperated).

 

I do still love her as a person (as a friend), but I don't think there is even a remote possibility of reconciling our differences. We have tried counselling in the past, but stopped going after a few sessions (at her request); though admittedly it didn't seem to be going anywhere.

 

Ideally I would leave her here (this is where she wants to be), leave her the car, most of the savings (since I make a lot more $), just take my clothes and some things and get out. Move back to where we started from and start living for me.

 

I don't know, I guess I am just hoping to get some input / comments.

 

Thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are in such a tough situation. Why would you have to leave her your savings? Can't she save on her own?

[DN]

I understand that sometimes you feel you just want to drop everything and leave but that really would not be in your best interests so think things through rationally first. If you do decide to leave then be fair but don't strip yourself of everything - that would not be wise.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How long were you together before you got married? Why did you two get married...what was the glue that brought you together and made you feel that you were an ideal couple? The bottom line is that if there is no common ground and both of you are miserable, it is no point hanging on to a marriage that just isn't working.

[teroa]

I just think I would leave it to her, because I do care for her and don't want her to worry about money; especially since I make like 4x as much as her. The money doesn't matter, I could save up the approximately 60K again over the next few years.

 

I guess I am just not sure about the compatibility issues, we are so incredibly different that it seems like a no-brainer that we shouldn't be together, but of course it is never that easy just to be done with it.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

 

[teroa]

How long were you together before you got married? Why did you two get married...what was the glue that brought you together and made you feel that you were an ideal couple? The bottom line is that if there is no common ground and both of you are miserable, it is no point hanging on to a marriage that just isn't working.

 

We were together (on and off) for approximately 5 years before getting married. We were on an "off" period before meeting back up and deciding to get married, so I think it was just one of those periods of "infatuation" that made us think that it would work.

 

We aren't "miserable" (we don't argue a lot, or shout obscenities at each other) but my thoughts drift away every single day to living a different life, without her.

[lavenderdove]

I think if you don't have kids and feel this way about her, it is best to leave now, before you have kids and it gets more complicated.

 

Sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out. And now if you know you are really unhappy with a move to somewhere you can't stand, and she loves, it is more confirmation that it is time to go.

 

So i'd just tell her the same you told us... that you just aren't happy where you are, and need to move out and get divorced.

 

I suggest though that you don't give her ALL the money, since you will need to relocate back home and get another job. Take enough out of that money to pay your moving costs plus six months of expenses while you look for another job. I understand your desire to be generous since you are the one to ask for the divorce, but make sure you have enough money to live and move you to where you want to be.

 

You will also need money to pay a lawyer for the divorce, unless she is willing to agree to an amicable divorce where you only need to do the paperwork.

[Spawn]

"but I don't have any friends here, nor do I enjoy anything about the place."

 

What is it that is exactly bothering you? is the above the only reason you want to get out??

[teroa]

"but I don't have any friends here, nor do I enjoy anything about the place."

 

What is it that is exactly bothering you? is the above the only reason you want to get out??

 

That isn't the main reason that I want to end the relationship, but it has somewhat contributed towards me feeling that way recently.

 

I don't want to get into it too much, mainly to satisfy my desire (or paranoia) to stay anonymous.

[Spawn]

teroa, just remember its always "easy" to feel ending everything will be better for both of you when things are really going hard for you.

 

Go with your GUT!!!!, whatever you do don't regret or look back....move forward.

[almondtomato]

I know the feeling. You are not alone, but I have no answer for you (or me). Makes you sick. Don't know what to do. I have not known for 2 years. I am just going to go for it.

[Brenda222]

What I cant understand about this is why is it so easy for people to divorce. People everyday are taking marriage vows then find a reason to divorce. Can you work it out for sake of the institution of marriage. People get married and divorced at the drop of a hat. Why do people want to divorce because things are going bad. Marriage is a committment. If there has been no adultry I think anything can be worked out.

[XwishingX]

You sound like you feel so much like I do!

 

I have fallen out of love with my husband (no kids, no shared large bills). We, too, rushed into marriage. We just recently moved to the West Coast, but the difference is that he is the one who gave up so much for me (job, friends, etc.) when we moved. We have so many differences, and so few similarities, and I, too, daydream of living a different life, without him. I am all he has here, and I can't live up to that expectation. We don't fight, and though we have had some tumultuous times in the past, we just sort of... exist these days.

 

It's really sad, and it sucks, and I feel like I am a failure from wanting to give up, but I also don't see how I can expect it to get better when I have been feeling the same close-to-indifference for more than six months now. I feel like it would be better and more honest for everyone involved just to leave before things get any more deeply extricated.

 

I love his family -- and I *like* them more than my own, and we have shared pets, that I will hate to split up, but it seems like in the long run we're kind of doomed, despite how convenient it would be to stay together.

 

I don't know if I can offer you any advice, but I do want to let you know that you're not alone...

[aleksandr]

I feel you pain man. I am in a similar situation. I think my wife's family is great, they think I'm great, Heck everyone thinks we are the greatest couple ever but we are not.

 

I feel hollow and am in the process of trying to get out. It is so difficult though. You sound like a decent fella, you sound like me, I like my wife a lot, I don't want to hurt her but I know, really know I need out. How to do it however is the problem.

 

The advice I have for you is this. Be honest with yourself, do you want to wake up in 25 years realizing that you have been unhappy for that time, you owe it to yourself and I believe to her to be honest. If that means a horrible, painful, messy break up, so be it, its better than the alternative.

 

The advice above is sincere, I of course, now have to follow my own advice, not easy man, not easy but we have to be strong. Much love and respect, I wish you all the best.

[swlilbit84]

What I cant understand about this is why is it so easy for people to divorce. People everyday are taking marriage vows then find a reason to divorce. Can you work it out for sake of the institution of marriage. People get married and divorced at the drop of a hat. Why do people want to divorce because things are going bad. Marriage is a committment. If there has been no adultry I think anything can be worked out.

 

i agree with every word you said. marriage takes work. you have to talk about problems and stop expecting marriage to be happy and exciting all the time. people go through rough patches but in the end it can only make you stronger inside and out. it is nice to hear someone else who think slike me.