Virginity

[Seraphim]

You sound ok to me. Every person who has been a teenager goes through this struggle in some form or another. I know none of you believe it when we tell you and Lord knows I didn't believe my mom about SQUAT when I was 17, but it is true. It is part of growing up and becoming an adult and realising that you are a unique person independent of everyone else and that is very daunting.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This thread should give you the info you want;

 

]

 

The only useless thing about you is your lack of confidence

Insecurity and self hatred will always be useless to you.

[Unknown1607307972]

The OP is only 17...I think he has a perfect right to not want to be with some 16 year old who has already had sex. I don't think that is immature...often the ones out there having sex are the immature ones who are completely self-involved..because they are out there chasing an orgasm rather than a human being with feelings and a personality.

 

I agree.

 

As I said, I was not at all going to accept losing my virginity to someone who was a non virgin. Not because I wanted to control them, but because I have very low confidence and wouldn't feel comfortable feeling that I could be compared. Also I found the idea a bit patronising, I didn't want to be guided by someone who'd done it before, I wanted to make the new step with someone sharing the experience along the way. I never was judgemental to those who were not virgins, I just personally wouldn't be with them at that stage in my life.

 

I'm not still with that guy, but we did last two and a half years, and I don't regret that I was waiting for my first time to be with another virgin. I don't wait for virgins now because I feel that the sexual experience I had in that two and a half year relationship put me on a more equal footing, however for your first time it can be a whole different matter.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The OP is only 17...I think he has a perfect right to not want to be with some 16 year old who has already had sex. I don't think that is immature...often the ones out there having sex are the immature ones who are completely self-involved..because they are out there chasing an orgasm rather than a human being with feelings and a personality.

 

I want to clarify because this is not at all what I meant. I never insinuated that not wanting to "chase an orgasm" is immature, my point is that the insecurity (which we now see is just a general lack of confidence) about being with someone who has been with someone before, at any age, was.

 

Say a young girl realized sleeping with someone was a mistake and wanted to do things differently next time. To still feel that icky feeling about her past is a show of not quite feeling right about yourself imo.

 

Part of being a human being with feeling and a personality is being as stable, confident and healthy as possible. The OP shouldn't feel useless. That's the issue to me, not the sex and relationships.

[UnknownSoldier]

Well, I obviously don't deserve the girl if I can't change my mindset and lack of confidence, so at 'least I'm doing the right thing and "letting her go", for lack of better words.

 

Say a young girl realized sleeping with someone was a mistake and wanted to do things differently next time. To still feel that icky feeling about her past is a show of not quite feeling right about yourself imo.

 

In that case I wouldn't be concerned at all. I'm concerned about if she didn't think it was a mistake and/or she wasn't bothered. I doubt it would be a mistake anyway, she loved the guy.

[FathomFear]

I suspect this mindset will lapse as you get out of your teenage years. Virginity (or lack thereof) tends to be a big area of focus around this time. So much so that we see movies based on it (American Pie, anyone)?

 

But once you start getting into your 20s it will likely subside.

[MD Geist]

I would have liked to lose my virginity to another virgin but dispite my spritial beliefs and such I honestly do not see that happening.

 

The place I live in consists of mainly divorced women b/c they are out making stupid choices at an early age and when they finally become a struggling single mother then they want to be with the good guy like me.

 

I say screw them.

 

I don't think I will ever have sex or date in my life time. I'm 23 going to be 24 soon and haven't dated let alone had sex. Its pretty much to late for me, most girls aren't virgins my age and they will see virginity as a signifgant turn off.

[Cognitive_Canine]

OP, you are defeating yourself.

 

You don't want to have sex with a virgin because you want it to be special...you just think you won't measure up if the woman has been with a guy before.

 

You really need to work on your self esteem.

[Bartok]

I would have liked to lose my virginity to another virgin but dispite my spritial beliefs and such I honestly do not see that happening.

 

The place I live in consists of mainly divorced women b/c they are out making stupid choices at an early age and when they finally become a struggling single mother then they want to be with the good guy like me.

 

I say screw them.

 

I don't think I will ever have sex or date in my life time. I'm 23 going to be 24 soon and haven't dated let alone had sex. Its pretty much to late for me, most girls aren't virgins my age and they will see virginity as a signifgant turn off.

I recently lost my virginity to my virgin girlfriend after having never dated, kissed, or anything before meeting her. And I'm 25.

 

Not that you should dwell on it - you shouldn't. Just don't think it will NEVER happen. Focus on other, more important things right now. That's what I was doing for years when I suddenly stumbled upon a girl who introduced me to this other girl who I am now madly in love with.

[Organs]

I'll say this, to whoever's interested.

 

When I was in college, I'd often have a good hour or so in between classes, so I found a nearby computer lab and killed a couple hours online. Sometimes I'd do crosswords, look up goofy sites and webcomics, etc. And sometimes I'd think about sex and my virginity and so on. And I'd think about women and how their bodies worked. So often, I'd look up where the g-spot is, how to perform cunnilingus, other erogenous zones, how to last longer in bed, anything an adept lover would know and use to improve his performance.

 

So when I finally did lose my virginity, I managed to make the girl come four times. I think I waited until she did at least twice before I allowed myself to give in and enjoy the release.

 

Botttom line, just because someone has had sex before doesn't mean that person is good in bed. You can have a track record like Gene Simmons and still be a lousy lover; it'd just mean you've had a lot of sex in your life.

 

No, what makes one good in bed is how one approaches sex. If a person goes out of his way to please his partner, then he'll be better at sex. If that person gets to know the other person and knows what THAT person likes and doesn't like, and how sensitive that person is here and there, then that guy will be GREAT in bed...with that person.

 

So if you lose your inhibitions and make the most of it without worrying about it, then you'll do fine.

[Organs]

OP, you are defeating yourself.

 

You don't want to have sex with a virgin because you want it to be special...you just think you won't measure up if the woman has been with a guy before.

 

You really need to work on your self esteem.

 

This doesn't help his self esteem.

 

OP, consider my last post and don't let experience/inexperience get to you. Let's say she has sex with......someone. And let's say the sex is bad. It's just as likely that the guy is really selfish and doesn't care if his partner gets off, or is a denying homosexual and hasn't figured it out yet, as it is that he's inexperienced.

 

Like George Carlin said, "F--- it!".

[Sparkly Eyes]

The OP is only 17...I think he has a perfect right to not want to be with some 16 year old who has already had sex. I don't think that is immature...often the ones out there having sex are the immature ones who are completely self-involved..because they are out there chasing an orgasm rather than a human being with feelings and a personality.

 

I agree. I don't think he has to work on it and change what he wants. That would be a big challenge anyway and I doubt he can ever get over it.

[Foxfire21]

I'm Sorry for saying this but the you worded this it sound like you wouldn't date a non-virgin because their now "damaged goods".

 

Who cares if their a virgin or not, As long as you love and trust them with all your heart it doesn't even matter.

 

And there's no need to ask such a personal question like "Are you A virgin?" It goes for everybody. If the openly say "I'm/I'm not a virgin" That's fine, that's their own free will to say that.

 

Get over this virgin thing or else you're going to miss out on a lot of nice people.

 

BTW having sex with someone you really like can be the same or even better than having sex with a virgin.

[velvette]

it only matters because you yourself are a virgin. when I was a virgin (uhh a couple months ago! hahaha) I couldn't possibly imagine myself with an "experienced" dude. I'm sure if I fell in love hard enough virginity or not wouldn't matter, but lucky for me I fell for another virgin, and it worked out for the better since I wasn't ready to have sex yet so we dated for 3 years before we finally did it. if I had dated a non-virgin, I'm sure he would've been put off that I couldn't have sex with him for so long, or even kiss him for a couple months! it's just that since you're inexperienced, you'd want to go slowly with someone of the same experience. I completely understand. makes sense!

[KittyKat99]

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to date a virgin when you are a virgin. I'm in the same place as you. My boyfriend and I are both virgins and I'm very happy about that. Neither of us have anyone to compare each other to and we don't have to worry about sexual baggage. I'm not saying you shouldn't date non virgins, I'm just saying wanting to find a virgin makes sense and I support your decision. Don't give up on yourself! Someone will come along. And believe it or not, virgins are more common than this thread has made it seem. Its just something that a lot of virgins don't talk about. I mean, how many times has someone come right out in a conversation and said "hey! I'm a virgin!" probably not as many times as someone who is not a virgin might bring up their past sexual relationships. Do you see what I'm saying?

 

As for how to ask someone about their sexual history....I say be upfront about it. Don't ask them accusingly but just tell them about your limited sexual past and ask about theres. If you are looking at a potential relationship you are going to have to be open with them anyway, right?

 

Good luck and try not to be discouraged

[dragon lady]

I've never had any reason to feel the need to value virginity for myself or for anyone else. I think that even when I was one I preferred the idea of sleeping with someone more experienced. Now that I've been having sex for over 8 years, I would be a little freaked out if someone told me they hadn't had sex before me. I have found a pretty strong correlation between performance and experience. I'm sure it's not always the case, but it has been for me so far. Then again, for some people, the quality of the sex is nowhere near as important as being "pure" or whatever it is they say. I guess I'll never understand that.

[coco chanel]

Hi unknownsoilder I use to be in your shoes lol I lost my virginity two years ago and I'm 27 today lol. My boyfriend was in no way shape or form a virgin when we met however I definitely took us both down to the health clinic to get tested for HIV and STD's because I didn't want my first time to be a statistic luckily our test came back negative and we got busy soon after lol. I would suggest first and foremost that when you find that special person to give it to make sure you two get tested and get protection.

 

As you get older and mature finding a virgin is hard! I waited for 25 long years to have sex and sure didn't find one. But I sorta wanted someone experienced and when we made love it wasn't painful at all it actually felt sooo good however it did take a couple of weeks for him to get me open down there lol!! But I will tell you the down side of being with someone who has had sex before, sooner or later they will talk to you about their previous relationships or sexual experiences. Sometimes you may want to hear about them other times you may get a little jealous and become suspcious wondering it he/she still may have feelings for any of their previous sexual partners. Being that you are still a virgin I would say wait!!! Enjoy your virginity masturbate don't be in a hurry love will come. If I could turn back the hands of time I think I would've waited longer although I love the one I'm with I think I would've wanted to enjoy that period in my life a little longer, living with the parents no worries and no cares lol now look at me. I'm a nut case Good Luck! to you!!!

[Theblueman123]

Look if you find a virgin then just do it and get it over with. Once that's done you won't have to worry about the "event" that much at all afterwards. Or if you really want to get over it just don't put any weight on it and treat it only as an act. That'll definitely work.

[MD Geist]

OP, you are defeating yourself.

 

You don't want to have sex with a virgin because you want it to be special...you just think you won't measure up if the woman has been with a guy before.

 

You really need to work on your self esteem.

 

How can you walk into a situation with zero experience and be confident? Especially when she's already had sex.

 

Remember the last time you started a new job? I'm pretty sure you where shy and wasn't super confident the first time you had to perform.

 

The same could be said about this situation.

 

You can't fake it and walk right in and perform like a season vet!. lol.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've never had any reason to feel the need to value virginity for myself or for anyone else. I think that even when I was one I preferred the idea of sleeping with someone more experienced. Now that I've been having sex for over 8 years, I would be a little freaked out if someone told me they hadn't had sex before me. I have found a pretty strong correlation between performance and experience. I'm sure it's not always the case, but it has been for me so far. Then again, for some people, the quality of the sex is nowhere near as important as being "pure" or whatever it is they say. I guess I'll never understand that.

 

Why would that be an issue to freak you out? I can think of other much bigger issues in life that are more worthy of a freak out!

[Cognitive_Canine]

How can you walk into a situation with zero experience and be confident? Especially when she's already had sex.

 

Remember the last time you started a new job? I'm pretty sure you where shy and wasn't super confident the first time you had to perform.

 

The same could be said about this situation.

 

You can't fake it and walk right in and perform like a season vet!. lol.

 

I didn't walk into my last job thinking "I bet this employer has had better waitresses!"LOL.

 

Sex is a pretty natural thing.

 

It's not healthy to worry about measuring up to exes when going into new relationships, whether in the sex department or any other part of the relationship.

[MD Geist]

It's not healthy to worry about measuring up to exes when going into new relationships, whether in the sex department or any other part of the relationship.

 

But it is natural.

 

Especially if its his first time.

[dragon lady]

Why would that be an issue to freak you out? I can think of other much bigger issues in life that are more worthy of a freak out!

 

The are a lot of issues worthy of a freak out. This is just one of many.

 

It would bother me because I don't have the patience to train a beginner. I want someone who can find their way around a female body without needing much direction. The more experience a person has with this, the easier it is to transfer skills.

 

It would freak me out because the majority of reasons for remaining a virgin well into one's 20s or 30s wouldn't gel with me. I would go into them, but the last time I did I think the thread got closed. It came down to social reasons and differences in values.

[Sparkly Eyes]

The are a lot of issues worthy of a freak out. This is just one of many.

 

It would bother me because I don't have the patience to train a beginner. I want someone who can find their way around a female body without needing much direction. The more experience a person has with this, the easier it is to transfer skills.

 

It would freak me out because the majority of reasons for remaining a virgin well into one's 20s or 30s wouldn't gel with me. I would go into them, but the last time I did I think the thread got closed. It came down to social reasons and differences in values.

 

That's not very true. My first partner had very little experience before me, yet he was easily able to please me manually and with oral. The second one had way more experience and every time he touched me down there, it hurt and it took a while for him to learn how to please me with oral. I'm not saying experience doesn't mean anything but what's important in sex in my experience, is enthusiasm and openness to try new things. I mean come on, it's not rocket science, it's very easy to learn if you want to learn!

[dragon lady]

That's not very true. My first partner had very little experience before me, yet he was easily able to please me manually and with oral. The second one had way more experience and every time he touched me down there, it hurt and it took a while for him to learn how to please me with oral. I'm not saying experience doesn't mean anything but what's important in sex in my experience, is enthusiasm and openness to try new things. I mean come on, it's not rocket science, it's very easy to learn if you want to learn!

 

It has been the case in my experience, which is quite a bit compared to most people my age on ENA, or so it seems. I'll gladly change my opinion if I ever find it to be otherwise.

 

Enthusiasm and openness certainly help, but takes time to develop skills. That's not to say that every experienced person is great in bed either, because I'm sure they're not. All I'm saying is that I believe there is a correlation there. Hearing about how an inexperienced person was better than an experienced one and the sample size was 2 doesn't really hold much weight for me.

 

Again, plenty of people don't care about skills, so what I'm saying probably means nothing. It's just something that I value and a reason why I would be turned off at the idea of sleeping with a virgin.