Virginity

[UnknownSoldier]

Does it matter to you whether a girl/boy is a virgin or not?

 

Say you met someone you got on well with, and you were thinking of pursuing a relationship with them...would the fact that they'd lost their virginity be difficult for you to accept, or would it not matter so long as you loved each other?

 

For me, I'm unsure. I'd really love my first-time to be with a virgin, as I want it to be a special moment for both of us. I find it difficult to imagine myself being with someone who's already had sex. I'm not bothered about being compared, there's just a part of me that really hates the idea of dating a non-virgin.

 

Also, an awkward question, what's the best way of finding out if someone has already had sex? Assume the situation is that you're just good friends with them, nothing more.

[HouseKitten]

Even if I had a preference for virgins, which I very much don't, it would be difficult for me to find a man who was one now that I'm into my twenties.

 

I really don't see the big deal regarding virginity. You say you don't worry about being compared, so what is your reasoning? I'm assuming you're a virgin yourself since it'd be hypocritical to expect something you couldn't provide yourself.

[Seraphim]

I do not see why it would be an issue, everyone was one at one time. Although at my age finding one at my age would be comparable to finding space aliens. I would say though the whole "first time" thing for most people is very overrated.

[lila...]

I could imagine that at your age it might be a little more difficult to accept, but I'm a bit older and...I'd actually he rather NOT be inexperienced. A virgin guy would scare me a bit, and anyways at my age it would be really difficult to come accross one!

 

But I used to feel the same way as you, when I met someone I really liked, I was really bothered by the fact that he had been with another or other girls previous to me. It happens when you meet someone you really like, you can't help but feel a bit jealous and hurt when you think about their past experiences. But you have to learn to accept that the past is the past and what happened in your partner's life prior to you cannot hurt you (within reason of course), what matters is now and how he/she treats you.

[Kratta]

I do not see why it would be an issue, everyone was one at one time. Although at my age finding one at my age would be comparable to finding space aliens. I would say though the whole "first time" thing for most people is very overrated.

 

I agree with this one, it's a great thrill, but not all that magical one may think.

Besides, more "experienced" people are bound to be better in bed

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I would say though the whole "first time" thing for most people is very overrated.

 

It is so true. Really, there is nothing special about losing your virginity except it will probably be the worst sex you'll ever have.

 

 

But if you don't want someone who has had sex, don't. I'm not sure how you'd ask a friend about it though without being rude.

[Seraphim]

Not that I have ever gone around asking, but, most people recount their first time with a paper bag on their head and say "well that was the most embarrassing moment of my life, glad THAT is over" Maybe 1 in 100 finds it to be anything wildly romantic or glorious.

[Unknown1607307972]

I lost my virginity the day after my 18th birthday, and it was with another virgin, I was worried about being compared though so I strictly wanted to be with another virgin. I just like to be with someone of equal experience than me, I could handle a virgin (although not many guys are virgins in their twenties) but not someone who'd been with several people. It's all a matter of individual confidence, mine is very low.

[UnknownSoldier]

I really don't see the big deal regarding virginity. You say you don't worry about being compared, so what is your reasoning?

 

Yes, I am a virgin myself.

 

I don't really know myself. There's just a part of me which dislikes wanting to be with a non-virgin.

 

I do not see why it would be an issue, everyone was one at one time.

 

I understand, but it's still something I find difficult to accept.

 

I'd actually he rather NOT be inexperienced.

 

Why though? Does your partner have to be experienced/good in bed? Would it matter if they were the opposite? Personally I wouldn't care if the girl I was dating was bad in bed/inexperienced.

 

I guess it comes down to preference.

 

It happens when you meet someone you really like, you can't help but feel a bit jealous and hurt when you think about their past experiences. But you have to learn to accept that the past is the past and what happened in your partner's life prior to you cannot hurt you (within reason of course), what matters is now and how he/she treats you.

 

Hmm, I agree. Still find it difficult to accept it. Well, at the moment anyway, don't know about how I'll feel about this in the future.

 

 

The reason why I posted this is because I know a very nice girl, but I don't think she's a virgin. It just pains me to think of her having been with someone else and having sex with him. I know it's in the past but, still, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it if we did end up dating. I know it's selfish of me, but it's just the way I feel.

 

 

Thanks for the replies.

[Seraphim]

When you can not accept that a person had a past though you are not accepting the person that they are and you there for can not love them. You can not deny someone the right to have existed before you walked into their life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Virgin or not virgin...sadly sexually experienced people place a high importance on making sure the other person is NOT a virgin....and some sexually inexperienced people place a high importance on the partner BEING a virgin while other sexually inexperienced people place a high importance on the partner NOT being a virgin. It is like a person's value suddenly seems to be solely tied in on whether or not they had SEX!!! I am reminded of children in elementary school who taunt classmates in the school yard or won't be friends with them based on one single solitary facet of that person they take issue with, be it their height, their pimples, their red socks...whatever.

 

Having said all that, I can understand the poster's point of view because at 17 if someone is not a virgin it means they have been sexually active at an early age..so it has to do with a values thing. 17 is not the same as 20. Not all teens are out there having sex.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The reason why I posted this is because I know a very nice girl, but I don't think she's a virgin. It just pains me to think of her having been with someone else and having sex with him. I know it's in the past but, still, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it if we did end up dating. I know it's selfish of me, but it's just the way I feel.

 

This reflects a level of emotional immaturity you will have to work on in order to experience a healthy relationship. You long for someone who essentially doesn't have a past romantically and physically which is controlling.

 

This is a common fear-based reaction and I will tell you, if you stick to virgins simply because you don't want someone with a past, you will eventually find something else about her that makes you insecure.

 

Focus on that selfish, panicky feeling first before you consider a sexual relationship.

 

 

Edit I had neglected to notice your age, which does change things. I agree that a person at 17 with a great deal of sexual experience would not likely be someone you share values with. Still, I sense that your reasoning is less to do with the girl sharing your values and more to do with insecurity, which will only hurt you in the end.

[Seraphim]

Virgin or not virgin...sadly sexually experienced people place a high importance on making sure the other person is NOT a virgin....and some sexually inexperienced people place a high importance on the partner BEING a virgin while other sexually inexperienced people place a high importance on the partner NOT being a virgin. It is like a person's value suddenly seems to be solely tied in on whether or not they had SEX!!! I am reminded of children in elementary school who taunt classmates in the school yard or won't be friends with them based on one single solitary facet of that person they take issue with, be it their height, their pimples, their red socks...whatever.

 

There is that too.

 

I think a lot of it is a matter of ego. I can not take that you have any right to exist before I came into your life and you should have popped out of the ground exactly as I wanted you to be the moment I walked by. Life does not work this way. A person is who they are BECAUSE of what they have lived NOT because of you.

[UnknownSoldier]

Last few replies seemed quite critical of my issue, which don't help my low self-esteem. I can't help feel this way.

 

When you can not accept that a person had a past though you are not accepting the person that they are and you there for can not love them. You can not deny someone the right to have existed before you walked into their life.

 

I'm not denying someone the right to have existed before me walking into their life, I just find it difficult to accept that someone that I love (and hopefully, vice versa) has had sex with someone already.

 

Though this could just be because of my inexperience with women (never had a GF etc).

 

Having said all that, I can understand the poster's point of view because at 17 if someone is not a virgin it means they have been sexually active at an early age..so it has to do with a values thing. 17 is not the same as 20. Not all teens are out there having sex.

 

I understand what you've said, and I thank you for understanding my point-of-view as well.

 

Edit I had neglected to notice your age, which does change things. I agree that a person at 17 with a great deal of sexual experience would not likely be someone you share values with. Still, I sense that your reasoning is less to do with the girl sharing your values and more to do with insecurity, which will only hurt you in the end.

 

I don't long for someone who doesn't have a past romantically, so I believe you've taken my posts out of context. I don't see how this reflects immaturity either. Insecurity, yes, but not immaturity.

 

I can not take that you have any right to exist before I came into your life and you should have popped out of the ground exactly as I wanted you to be the moment I walked by.

 

That is not the way I feel.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is that too.

 

I think a lot of it is a matter of ego. I can not take that you have any right to exist before I came into your life and you should have popped out of the ground exactly as I wanted you to be the moment I walked by. Life does not work this way. A person is who they are BECAUSE of what they have lived NOT because of you.

 

I agree...however I also get irritated when people use the whole sex thing and having many partners as "it made me who I am today". Having many partners is a choice people make....it is down to their personality and value system....people choose to rack up numbers because that is who they are...it is not the racking up numbers which made them who they are...it is who they are that made them rack up the numbers. There is too much emphasis on sex being the be all and end all of everything...too much, too little whatever....it is like the sun rises and sets on sex.

[Seraphim]

I agree...however I also get irritated when people use the whole sex thing and having many partners as "it made me who I am today". Having many partners is a choice people make....it is down to their personality and value system....people choose to rack up numbers because that is who they are...it is not the racking up numbers which made them who they are...it is who they are that made them rack up the numbers. There is too much emphasis on sex being the be all and end all of everything...too much, too little whatever....it is like the sun rises and sets on sex.

 

Oh I agree with you fully. I personally don't have racks of numbers either and never wanted to.

 

OP what I am saying IS....you are going to make your life harder if you can not accept that someone had sex before meeting you, especially as you get older. It IS telling someone, you have to have had my standards for you before I even met you. If you want to say that then you yourself have to be beyond reproach as well.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I don't long for someone who doesn't have a past romantically, so I believe you've taken my posts out of context. I don't see how this reflects immaturity either. Insecurity, yes, but not immaturity.

 

Insecurity is a result of immaturity. It reflects selfish prioritizing and obsessions that more emotionally mature people don't engage in. I know this from past personal experience.

 

You yourself admitted your mindset wasn't correct (saying it was selfish), why not take some time to sort that out? It will help you in the long run.

[UnknownSoldier]

Ah, forget it. Just been thinking, and I ain't capable of being in a successful relationship anyway. She deserves better than me, I'm useless. xD

 

Thanks for the advice. I shall leave the thread here in-case it helps someone else.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Ah, forget it. Just been thinking, and I ain't capable of being in a successful relationship anyway. She deserves better than me, I'm useless. xD

 

Thanks for the advice. I shall leave the thread here in-case it helps someone else.

 

Well that is certainly not the way to think about it... why do you say that?

[Seraphim]

I never met a hopeless 17 yr old. Hopeless is when you get to 40 and STILL act the same way. You have a long way to grow and mature as far as relationships go, just let it flow. Life isnt a race, you do not have to achieve everything on a time line.

[Night Pumpkin]

Just because you have saved yourself that doesn't mean you should have expected your partner to have saved themselves. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

Besides, the point of being a virgin until marriage is that you don't get hurt by giving yourself over to someone who won't appreciate your for life. Giving your virginity to someone who later abandons you is like working passionately for a job and then being fired suddenly without explanation. It really hurts. It's not about the other person; it is about protecting yourself from being hurt.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The OP is only 17...I think he has a perfect right to not want to be with some 16 year old who has already had sex. I don't think that is immature...often the ones out there having sex are the immature ones who are completely self-involved..because they are out there chasing an orgasm rather than a human being with feelings and a personality.

[UnknownSoldier]

Well that is certainly not the way to think about it... why do you say that?

 

Because I'm useless.

 

I never met a hopeless 17 yr old.

 

You have now.

 

Just because you have saved yourself that doesn't mean you should have expected your partner to have saved themselves. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

I understand that, I just find it difficult to accept it. I'm not saying I would never date someone who isn't a virgin, it would just be something that I wouldn't be able to get over.

 

The OP is only 17...I think he has a perfect right to not want to be with some 16 year old who has already had sex. I don't think that is immature...often the ones out there having sex are the immature ones who are completely self-involved..because they are out there chasing an orgasm rather than a human being with feelings and a personality.

 

I believe the girl I like lost it to a previous BF. Whether it was just for pleasure or for love I don't know. Whenever I look at her it just pains me to think of her doing stuff with another man.

 

That is, of course, if she isn't a virgin. Hence why I asked the other question.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Because I'm useless.

 

I'm asking which of your specific attributes deem you useless in your opinion.

[UnknownSoldier]

I'm asking which of your specific attributes deem you useless in your opinion.

 

This thread should give you the info you want;