Making a vow to abstain from sex.

[newwave]

I will admit that in my 20's I was a little more open minded about sex. I had a few casual fwb's and often made the mistake of thinking if I slept with a guy right away he was a boyfriend. It caused a lot of heartbreak. In many cases it became more about the sex and less about the dating.

 

Because of this I made a vow a few years ago. I will wait to sleep with someone until we either live together or become engaged. I'd really like to wait to sleep with someone until I marry them, but don't think I could do this. I'll be honest, when I date guys and the topic of sex comes up, I tell them this to mixed opinions. Some guys think it's cool and they like it because we can really get to know each other better. The current guy I like feels like this and has told me. We have never discussed it in depth, but I think I've had more sexual experience than him because he's only slept with a couple of longterm girfriends. He told me that he's careful because he doesn't want to get anyone pregnant (he believes that marriage is automatic once a pregnancy occurs). Many guys drop me once I tell them this, but I assume they were just looking for sex anyway.

[Pompea]

Well in a lot of relationships sex is an important part of intimacy, so I think it's not necessarily the case that they were looking solely for sex.

 

If I may ask, why wait until engagement or living together? Why not just until you feel comfortable enough with them to where you trust thats not all they're interested in? Just curious.

[newwave]

Well in a lot of relationships sex is an important part of intimacy, so I think it's not necessarily the case that they were looking solely for sex.

 

If I may ask, why wait until engagement or living together? Why not just until you feel comfortable enough with them to where you trust thats not all they're interested in? Just curious.

 

I want to know that they actually love me before we do it. Sounds weird, but in my past I've slept with a few guys before we really could be intimate. Is it possible I'll have sex before engaged or living together? Certainly, but I need to know the relationship is heading that way. I get sad when I read about someone dating a month and already sleeping together. I've done that and it's way too early.

[abitbroken]

Well in a lot of relationships sex is an important part of intimacy, so I think it's not necessarily the case that they were looking solely for sex.

 

If I may ask, why wait until engagement or living together? Why not just until you feel comfortable enough with them to where you trust thats not all they're interested in? Just curious.

 

I don't think its a litmus test to say she is waiting for marriage or engagement or etc. and to drop the requirement just because his reaction is good. I think it shows that they are really really interested in her and are willing to abide by the boundaries she set. Kinda takes the pressure off in some ways. I don't think anyone has to defend their decision to abstain from sex (well - unless they are married but thats a different story).

 

Also - its kind of a myth that sex is necessary for intimacy in a relationship. Sure, there is intimacy in sex but you can become deeply emotionally intimate without it.

[rosephase]

I want to know that they actually love me before we do it. Sounds weird, but in my past I've slept with a few guys before we really could be intimate. Is it possible I'll have sex before engaged or living together? Certainly, but I need to know the relationship is heading that way. I get sad when I read about someone dating a month and already sleeping together. I've done that and it's way too early.

 

I don't agree with you but I'm glad you are finding a way to make sex and relationships work for you.

 

My current loving almost 5 year relationship started with sex on the first date. I can't personally imagine wanting to move in with or marry someone who I could pass on sleeping with for a few months, years, whatever.

 

Don't feel sad for the way other people choose to find relationships and meet there needs and desires.

[Pompea]

I don't think its a litmus test to say she is waiting for marriage or engagement or etc. and to drop the requirement just because his reaction is good. I think it shows that they are really really interested in her and are willing to abide by the boundaries she set. Kinda takes the pressure off in some ways. I don't think anyone has to defend their decision to abstain from sex (well - unless they are married but thats a different story).

 

Also - its kind of a myth that sex is necessary for intimacy in a relationship. Sure, there is intimacy in sex but you can become deeply emotionally intimate without it.

 

Just for clarifications sake:

I was not asking her to defend herself, I was just asking for her reasoning. Because I was curious.

 

And I never said sex was required for intimacy. I just said it's part of many relationships.

 

I think abstaining is perfectly fine.

 

 

[Jd1983]

If this is truly want you want, then more power to you.

[newwave]

Another reason is pregnancy. Even the safest birth controls aren't 100%. What if I was to get pregnant? Some guys will do the honorable thing but others won't.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd dump a guy if he wanted to wait until marriage or even engagement to have sex. It's like telling me they don't want to discuss whether or not they want kids or future goals until marriage.

 

And no, I'm definitely not just after sex.

[itsallgrand]

Well sometimes caution and not wanting to repeat the past can turn to fear. That would be the one thing I'd watch for. That you swing from one side of the pendulum to the other; usually the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle.

 

Do you have bad feelings left over from past experiences, bad experiences once you had sex?

 

It can be kinda tricky figuring out what is right for oneself sometimes I guess. I found my sweet spot is in asking myself "if I had sex with this person now, and it all went to crap, would I regret my choice". I've not regretted a single person I've slept with, have no bad feelings about that, even though some did not work out as I would have liked. There is always a risk, always, so it's just a matter of weighing.

[newwave]

 

Do you have bad feelings left over from past experiences, bad experiences once you had sex?

 

Yes, I've had guys leave me once they got what they wanted. I cried myself to sleep one too many times because I thought he was a boyfriend and then he dumped me. Others I thought were exclusive relationships,and then finding out they weren't looking for an exclusive relationship. Others were amicable breakups.

 

Btw, I've had strictly fwb relationships where we both knew we just wanted sex. These ended fine because neither one of us wanted anything else

[itsallgrand]

Do you feel like you have made it easier for you to get to know and meet men who have similar values and want what you want since you've made this choice?

 

If it's working for you, and it doesn't hurt anybody - well, that's what matters.

[hexaemeron]

It's not what I would do. At all. Ever. Under any circumstances. However, if it's working for you, and you still feel positive and strongly about it, hey, more power to you. The only person you have to please in this life is yourself.