My confusing, frustrating and devastating breakup

[stu1973]

Folks,

 

Here's my story, your take would be very much appreciated.

 

Here's my story, tis a long one!

 

Well folks I'm sitting here, unable to eat as my stomach is in knots, unable to sleep, and unable to stop thinking about her, and what went wrong.

 

We met early December via an online dating site, and from the off, there was obvious chemistry, attraction, without any of the "playing hard to get" BS.

 

Everything was brilliant until the beginning of February when she went away for a weeks ski-ing. Beforehand, she used to text me ( with kisses at the end ), come round 3 or so nights a week, stay over etc. Everything seemed natural, didn't even have to ask her to stay, didn't even have to ask her back after the cinema, it always just happened. If I was away overnight she'd text to say I wish I was with you etc. The night before she went away, she called just to say hello, and texted to say she'd miss our nights in while away.

 

The night before she went away, she texted "What're you up to?" basically to see if she could come round and see me. I was up at my dads helping him out with stuff, she was obviously wanting to see me before she went, but I couldn't make it, I'd seen her the night before though. Next day, before her flight, she texted to ask if she could call me, I said, sure, so she did, and we chatted just before she left. When we hung up, I texted her to say, "When you come back, I'll cook a 3 course dinner for you, have a fantastic trip x". No reply, but I didn't expect one. So a few days into her trip, I text her to say hi, how's your trip, and a few texts go back and forward, but then she doesn't reply. Again, I'm not bothered, as she's on holiday, and I don't want to pester her.

 

Anyway, she comes back from holiday, and we arrange that she'll come round that night, she cancels, saying she's tired. Next night she comes round, and only stays an hour, doesn't say much, I walk her home, and she says sorry for not staying long.

 

The night before Valentines Day, we go to the cinema, and afterwards she just wants dropped at hers, no kiss. I get back home and text "are you sure you're ok?" No reply, so I phone, no answer. Valentines Day comes, I've taken the day off to plan and cook her dinner, so I wait for her to return the text/call, nothing, so I figure she's blown me off. Forward to Wednesday, I call her to see whats going on, and she goes off on a rant about how all her friends while on holiday asked whether she's been getting texts from her new man ( me) and she felt sad I hadn't been in touch more. She goes crazy about Valentines too.

 

Anyway, I buy her flowers with a card "You are the best thing to happen to me in a long time, I don't want to lose you" and have them delivered to her work. She invites me round later. We chat, she says "I think we could have had something but might've lost it/missed it". So we hug, I say ok, and make for the door, she shouts out my name, calls me back and says "don't leave it this way". We have a good kiss and she says I can thank her sister, as she says I should get another try.

 

I drop round the next day as it's her birthday and I have a small gift for her, We arrange to do something on sunday together.

Saturday evening comes and she phones to ask if i want to go skiing the next day as her sister has had to pull out with a sore back. I say yes of course. Next morning she's too hungover to go after a birthday night out, so we arrange I'll pick her up for a walk with my dog later, which we do.

 

So fast forward to last week when I phone her to ask her to my brothers wedding, and although she doesn't come right out and say it, it's over, she says she thinks we've missed the window, she says we've so much in common she wants to keep in contact. She says she'll probably regret this when she's still all alone at night. She says we didn't make it work, and that it shouldn't have been so hard so soon.

 

I email her sister to ask if we can chat, she tells my ex, so my ex emails me to say "we don't have a future together", asks for a dvd back, so I go round drop it off and say bye! And that's it! 11 days NC and they've been the hardest of my life.

[Aviatormy]

Well based off this story, it seems all one sided. Her.

 

Did you really not do anything to provolk this kind of behavior from her? It does not sound like you smothered her but her behavior suggests that you did.

 

Give us some details. How old are you? How old is she?

[troubleis]

man i'm sorry to hear about how much pain this is causing you.

 

the lynchpin in my feedback is based that she went on the rant *when you called her*...i think all of her excuses/rationalizations for why 'it couldn't work' were all completely disingenuous, and just something for her to say to try to get rid of you. in short i think she treated you like crap.

 

but i'm now going to tell you a condensed view of why i think your particular situation didn't work out, beyond the specifics of what you've written with this one particular girl...

 

online dating is having a devastating effect on male-female relationships. i speak from extensive first hand experience. my past self-criticism here extends to you now: it takes a lot less courage to start something on a dating site, as opposed to meeting/approaching in the real world. it allows men to be too wimpy in the process, and takes that edge away. this is bad on every level.

 

for the women, it's like a candy store offering constant validation as well as the erroneous belief that there must be somebody better, the grass is always greener...women typically get 10 to 20 times more messages than guys. therefore she finds a good guy, but renders him expendable, since there are 100 other messages in her inbox...and she's likely come to the dating site because it offered her the fantasy that there was some guy infinitely 'better' than the hundreds of guys she runs accross at work/school/bars/clubs - who, in light of this fantasy, now all become summarily disposable in her eyes.

 

what she doesn't realize is that the 'right guy for her', for whom she will feel *attraction*, is probably not on a dating site at all. because he probably has enough courage to constantly risk the failure of getting shot down in a very public way in a real world approach scenario, time after time. and she'll probably treat good guys like crap, do the cowardly indirect flaking or disappearing act, and eventually come to the false conclusion that there's "nobody out there", while guys become embittered at this horrible treatment.

 

please don't do anymore online dating. in this girl's mind, she 'found someone better'. and she hasn't. but you can - it just takes more courage than you've been living with. you can find it within yourself. and man to man, i don't wanna hear any excuses. just knock off the online dating, ok?

[stu1973]

I genuinely have told everything as it is, no cheating, or anything.

 

After Valentines Day she said she'd rather be alone than in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, even though I'd planned to ask her to my brothers wedding, take her away for the weekend etc. She seemed to think I was a bit indifferent, although I just didn't want to scare her away. She's 29 I'm 36. She says she's been close to "the one" twice before, first time for me, so she's way more experienced relationship wise.

 

We initially had a connection I've never felt before. We have a ridiculous amount in common. Our flats are 250 yards away, even though we met online, we went to the same school, have identical knee injuries(!), have pets who are our best pals etc.

 

I think I became too comfortable, and instead of doing things, planned to do things.

[troubleis]

We initially had a connection I've never felt before. We have a ridiculous amount in common. Our flats are 250 yards away, even though we met online, we went to the same school, have identical knee injuries(!), have pets who are our best pals etc.

 

my point exactly. it sounds like it was a great match. which only feeds the online dater's delusion that there's gotta be someone 'even better' out there. if she found a guy with this much in common, surely she's getting close to 'the perfect one'. get back on that elevator and head up to that ideal paradise - the empty top floor, where no human being actually exists!

 

it is a losing battle and as a man, you will probably not find someone through online dating. but you will get your heart ripped out of your chest, time and again. online daters tend to have a macchiavellian cruelty about them, and will say or do anything to dispose of you in the easiest way possible.

[stu1973]

Thanks for your replies guys,

 

I certainly didn't smother her, her complaint was that she thought our relationship should be moving on, but didn't seem to be. Strange as this was less than 2 months into it.

 

Troubleis, I'd never thought of the angle you put on it before, but it makes more sense than any other opinion I've heard. It seemed we were an awesome match, almost identical personalities, interests,hopes for the future, and outlooks on life. As well as having so many other commonalities, and initially such physical attraction ( she genuinely couldn't keep her hands off me, far more touchy than anyone else I've met ).

 

And just when it reached the point where it should've been moving on...she started to drift away.

 

I know many on here will say the same, and maybe I'm blinded to some aspects of our relationship, but for something that seemed to well matched, to last not even 3 months, I just can't get my head round. I'm convinced she's made the wrong call, utterly convinced, and yet only time will tell. Of course, if she really did want to be with me, she would be, and she's not. So I must have it all wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you think she met another guy on her vacation?

[stu1973]

Well, I did consider that she may have met someone while on vacation. It was my initial thought when she was behaving differently when she came home. But then she said she was disappointed I didn't call her/text her more while she was away, so I then thought that was the reason for her acting differently.

 

But honestly, I just don't know. I genuinely cannot tell whether she really felt we had something too ( she said we did ), and it kind of went off the rails a bit for whatever reason, or whether I'm just the latest in a long line, and I mean nothing to her.

[Smythe]

Sorry to hear that. Was she in a relationship just prior to meeting you? If so, was she over him?

 

Well, I did consider that she may have met someone while on vacation. It was my initial thought when she was behaving differently when she came home. But then she said she was disappointed I didn't call her/text her more while she was away, so I then thought that was the reason for her acting differently.

 

But honestly, I just don't know. I genuinely cannot tell whether she really felt we had something too ( she said we did ), and it kind of went off the rails a bit for whatever reason, or whether I'm just the latest in a long line, and I mean nothing to her.

[stu1973]

We met mid December and said her last relationship finished in the summer. I let her know I wasn't very experienced relationship-wise, and was hoping she'd factor this in! Thing is I didn't do anything drastically wrong, and the connection was there, so where the hell did it all go wrong!?!?

 

Ah well, here's to another frustrating 20 years looking for my soul mate....

[quirky]

I think in a strange way she perceived you as passive. She's probably more bubbly and excitable than you.

 

See.., often passive comes with being nice and respectful but to many women it's "he's not that interested". It has happened to me that guys rave about how unique I am (compliments coming back to me even from mutual friends) but because I am quite warm and expressive they forget that I am still a woman that needs to be pursued. It's like they relax too much because I have no attitude. I don't know if that was the issue. It is also possible that she just got overexcited at the beginning. Have you had any contact since the breakup?

[Smythe]

Sometimes people are still feeling for their ex's. I don't know about your case. Maybe it was something else, but it could be the reason. If it is, I don't think you did anything wrong. If it is, she's the one with issues.

 

I wish you luck out there, amigo.

 

We met mid December and said her last relationship finished in the summer. I let her know I wasn't very experienced relationship-wise, and was hoping she'd factor this in! Thing is I didn't do anything drastically wrong, and the connection was there, so where the hell did it all go wrong!?!?

 

Ah well, here's to another frustrating 20 years looking for my soul mate....

[Smythe]

Why would she not return back his messages?

 

I think in a strange way she perceived you as passive. She's probably more bubbly and excitable than you.

 

See.., often passive comes with being nice and respectful but to many women it's "he's not that interested". It has happened to me that guys rave about how unique I am (compliments coming back to me even from mutual friends) but because I am quite warm and expressive they forget that I am still a woman that needs to be pursued. It's like they relax too much because I have no attitude. I don't know if that was the issue. It is also possible that she just got overexcited at the beginning. Have you had any contact since the breakup?

[stu1973]

Maybe I did come accross as a bit passive.

 

I stupidly forked out for one of these "get your ex back" e-books and it says that relationships often end when one party becomes a different person to when they first met.

 

When we first met, she saw me as an adventurous active type, and I suppose lately, all we've done is lie on the couch watching DVDs, so maybe she fell for one guy and I turned into another guy in her eyes. Maybe this is it. Although I had all kinds of adventurous plans.

 

She also mentioned after her holiday that she was considering taking a career break and doing a next ski season in the Alps.

 

Have had no contact in 11 days, I have nothing to contact her about. Have nailed my colours firmly to the mast, and she says we have no future.

[ElChup]

We met mid December and said her last relationship finished in the summer. I let her know I wasn't very experienced relationship-wise, and was hoping she'd factor this in! Thing is I didn't do anything drastically wrong, and the connection was there, so where the hell did it all go wrong!?!?

 

Ah well, here's to another frustrating 20 years looking for my soul mate....

 

I don't agree that you should avoid dating websites. Not all the women on there are fruitcakes who are looking for the perfect person.

 

But, at the same time, I do agree with the advice that you should try asking women out who you meet on regular occasions.

 

Failures are merely stepping stones to success.

[stu1973]

I don't agree that you should avoid dating websites. Not all the women on there are fruitcakes who are looking for the perfect person.

 

But, at the same time, I do agree with the advice that you should try asking women out who you meet on regular occasions.

 

Failures are merely stepping stones to success.

 

I was having this discussion today with someone, I meet women all the time who show interest ( please don't think I'm being cocky here, i'm far from that! ). I was at a wedding at the weekend, a girl passed her contact details onto me, and a girl I met a while back on a night out, who knew I was seeing someone, texted me to ask me out when she knew I was knewly single.

 

I met 4 women from a reputable online dating site in the space of 10 days in early december, all professional ladies. The 4th one I met, I thought was very different from the word go, we hit it off big time and we really fancied each other, now she's dumped me!

 

In all my years of dating ( 20 or so ), I've never had a connection like this before, so WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG, especially since initially she seemed even more keen than me.

 

My point really is that I do meet women on a regular basis, but rarely do I meet people with whom I feel any romance with, and never before this level of connection/attraction. Maybe I'm very picky, and I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not head-over-heels with. Which is why I can't understand serial daters.

 

Oh, and failures are a stepping stone to success, but I felt that 20 years of failures led to this one, now it's gone too.

[troubleis]

well man, if you're hell-bent on pursuing this girl, then nothing we say will stop you...and ultimately you have to follow your own heart.

 

however if you do decide to 'not give up' (and i think it's a mistake to not give up....) - at least wait a FULL MONTH and collect your thoughts, maybe write them down and do some journaling, then call her and ask to meet, and if she obliges, tell her face to face what you've told us here.

 

but again, i would NOT advise this, except as the "least-bad" way of continuing to pursue her if you absolutely must.

[stu1973]

I've no intention of getting in touch with her, as I've let her know how I feel, and wouldn't dream of further making a nuisance of myself, in the unlikely event she wants to speak, she knows where to find me.

 

In a way, I don't want to let go and move on, I have fallen for her, and after so many years of looking, it's maybe nice to know I'm not some unfeeling dinosaur, and can actually fall for someone! ( having met so many people and connected with none. )

 

I know I won't find anyone else like her in a hurry, so I'm not really in a hurry to push her out of my mind!

 

Plus, there's no way of pushing her out of my mind, memories of her are everywhere, and I can't escape them, movies, music, my sofa, my bed, work, and most importantly the fact that whenever I drive out of my car park, I have to sit at red lights looking directly at her flat 100 metres away until they turn to green.

 

So I'm going to let them fade, rather than try and push them out. I'm tired of fighting. So many years of searching, then a brief ecstatic period of time, the happiest of my life. And this is where I end up. Just so tired of giving my all, and happiness eluding me, except for a short period of time. I just want to hold her, have her hold me, and tell me everything is going to be alright.

[troubleis]

happiness eluding me

 

from what you've written, i'm quite confident that you are an extremely intelligent, deep and thoughtful individual. i hope you'll keep posting as much as you need to - to get through this mournful period.

 

now i have to say this, big picture:

 

you see it as 'happiness eluding me' if you don't find your 'soulmate' and..... you'll be 'waiting 20 years' because you incorrigibly cling to the notion that your elusive 'soulmate' will bring you the 'happiness that eludes you'....

 

the ecstatic, overwhelmingly joyful experiences that you had for 2 months with this girl would NOT have lasted much longer. there is an animosity at the core of every romantic relationship, however unusually healthy and loving it otherwise is - although you never got to that stage with this girl. in my mind, the fact that you 2 are so incredibly similar only adds to the likelihood that you were certainly going to clash eventually.

 

this is at the heart of your suffering, i believe.

[stu1973]

I realise that the honeymoon period was coming to an end, and in a way, I was looking forward to the next phase beginning, indeed it kind of was already, we were starting to open up to each other, she asked about my mums death and whether my mum would've liked her. Quite emotional stuff, really creating a bond.

 

It felt great connecting to someone this way, like I was starting to share my life with someone already, I no longer felt alone. Which is why it was so hard when it all came crashing down, this wasn't just a few dates.

 

When you say animosity is at the core of every romantic relationship, what do you mean?

 

And if 2 people so incredibly similar are doomed, how come there are so many successful happy relationships out there? How do they come about?

 

Could you expand on what is at the heart of my suffering?

[troubleis]

this is getting deep into it, but the questions about your mother may have had as much to do with evaluating your past and evaluating her likeness to that of your mother. the whole 'men marry someone like their dear old mum' type of stuff. she may have been looking into the future and trying to picture herself in it. or, she may have love-addict tendencies and fall in love fast, but then she meets some other guy on her vacation or simply wants that rush all over again with one of the 100 other dudes who messages her on the dating site and catches her eye, and after all that 'honeymoon period' stuff subsides, her interest for you wanes. that may be who she is.

 

i believe that there is a bitterness and a breaking point for every romantic relationship. one of my best lifelong friends just died (in his 20s), and my brother and i were talking about how the love of a parent for a child - unconditional love - is leaps and bounds beyond what even longtime spouses feel for each other. think about it.

 

i don't agree that there are 'so many successful happy relationships out there'. i think they are unbelievably rare. what's the divorce rate in the u.k.? in the states i think it's upwards of 60%. with many people being married 3+ times, what are the percentage of folks who get married to one person and stay together until death? very, very low. and even most lifelong married couples hold a list of bitter grievances that they learn to tolerate, which buttons not to push, etc.

 

your suffering, i believe, stems from:

 

"you see it as 'happiness eluding me' if you don't find your 'soulmate' and..... you'll be 'waiting 20 years' because you incorrigibly cling to the notion that your elusive 'soulmate' will bring you the 'happiness that eludes you'...."

 

if you cannot be happy alone, you will never find authentic happiness in a relationship. but you will never feel the short-lived intensity of 'happiness' alone.

 

i'll dock myself 'man-points' and disclose that i love the band evanescence. they have a song 'you' with the line 'now that you love me, i love myself...' this is so close to being true, and FEELS so true, that it's heartbreaking to stare objectively at the reality that it is impossible to derive self-love or happiness from anyone else.

[stu1973]

I think her asking about my mother was an attempt to open me up as she initially described me as a closed book. But you may well be right. And she may well be a love addict. As to whether she is still doing it online? I'm not so sure. I'm back on the website we met on, not because I'm interested, but because I'm plain bored, and looking at the girls on it, I don't think I'll ever have any interest in contacting them. But the point is, she's not been logged in for over 3 weeks, so I don't think she'd doing that.

 

All my instincts are now pointing towards a fling on holiday, she is going back there next week ( this has been planned for about a year ). And she says she's going there for the whole next winter season. Maybe she doesn't want me in the way and doesn't want to settle. She did ask on the second date whether I wanted kids. And during pillow talk she asked what school I'd send my kids to ( if I had any ). I said our old school of course!

 

Sorry to hear about your friend, hope you are coping okay with it. I agree with parent to child love though. Nothing surpases it.

 

I don't know the divorce statistics, but I know very few divorces/break ups. But many, many successful marriages, guess that doesn't help.

 

I can be happy alone, perfectly, but where my problem stems from is I no longer want to be alone, having be alone for so many years. I want a soul-mate, to holiday with, to be there when I come back from work, to spoil, to cook for.

 

Oh, and I love evanescence too, don't worry!