Online dating, is it just me??

[bebeblondie]

So, I'm trying to take this online dating thing more serious than I have in the past.

 

The thing is I find that guys online tend to come on very strong, by making plans for the future (doing things people in relationships do) when we haven't even met yet! This tends to freak me out and I usually just stop talking to them.

 

I just recently started talking to this guy who is quite a bit older than me, he is divorced and has custody of his young daughter (I'm not sure how old she is, but I'm pretty sure she's a toddler). Now this guy is completely out of my comfort zone (I'm trying something new), he's in a band, blue collar and has quite a bit of tatoos. I usually go for clean cut guys, but anyway he seems also to be coming on a bit strong, however I understand his situation he's not only looking for a partner but also a mother for his daughter (from what I can tell) so I can understand the urgency. However I am not sure if I'm prepared for this and he keeps asking me if I'd like to pursue this further, and I'm not quite sure what we're pursuing since we haven't even met yet.

 

I mean am i crazy for thinking it's kind of pushy to be talking about future plans when you have never even seen each other in person?

[Momake]

I too would be scared of such approaches... why don't you just be honest with the guy(s) rather than cut them off? Tell them they are coming on a bit strong with some comments and you would like to meet first before establishing that there is "something".

 

Sorry if my comment seems naive - I haven't done the online dating thing before.

[DylanNotorious]

Yes. Some people automatically assume that since your using a dating site that you will be keen to date/and should date them. They make the mistake of forgetting that you might not even like them yet!

[CaptainNapalm]

Yeah you have to stay away from those type of characters. My advice to you is try to minimize the amount of time you spend getting to know these guys on the net and make some in person constructive dates ASAP. Some guys just try to "secure" a woman on there by being overly pushy since they haven't even met her so they want some commitment from you in an effort to minimize the chances of you getting snatched up by someone else. Once you meet many of them in person they cool off quite a bit.

[shuttlefish]

The odds are in the favour of women on these sites...sometimes overwhealmingly so (ie; there are more men than women).

What happens is guys who finally DO manage to get the attention of a woman tend to come on very strong in order to not lose them to the considerable competition.

 

That said though, I'd be wary of someone who is coming on too strong. The last thing you need is some super needy guy!

[pinkelephant]

lots of desperate guys on those sites.

[CaptainNapalm]

I tried internet dating in the past and you can't just label guys this way. It was the opposite for me actually, I found there to be numerous women on there who were pursuing me relentlessy in a scary way. It's not just guys that get this way.

[DylanNotorious]

I second that CaptainNapalm

 

My original comment comes from expericence - there are some scary woman out there!

[jengh]

I would write this guy off. I wouldn't be looking to play mommy to someone else's kid, but that's just me

[Keyman]

I too would be scared of such approaches... why don't you just be honest with the guy(s) rather than cut them off? Tell them they are coming on a bit strong with some comments and you would like to meet first before establishing that there is "something".

.

 

Hit the nail on the head there. What's wrong with holding up the hand and saying..."Hang on a minute... I'd like to get to know you a bit first..."

 

lots of desperate guys on those sites.

 

Pink trunked one, yes lots, but not all. I'm currently on a dating site, although am getting bored of it, I like to email back and forward first and it's often the girl, after an email or two, that is asking to meet for a coffee.

[BriarRose]

What type of comments about "the future"?

[aTeeOhSee]

I wouldn't be looking to play mommy to someone else's kid=

 

Especially considering they don't know each other at all really.

[bebeblondie]

I would write this guy off. I wouldn't be looking to play mommy to someone else's kid, but that's just me

 

I mean he hasn't come write out and said it, but he refers to her a lot and his profile he basically makes it sounds like a 2 for 1 deal. While I know it's not an ideal situation, I've been very picky in the past and would hate to miss out on a great guy (if he is one) just because he has a child. He's in his mid thirties and I'm in my late twenties, but if I was in my early twenties I probably wouldn't even consider this guy, so I understand where you're coming from.

[BriarRose]

I mean he hasn't come write out and said it, but he refers to her a lot and his profile he basically makes it sounds like a 2 for 1 deal. While I know it's not an ideal situation, I've been very picky in the past and would hate to miss out on a great guy (if he is one) just because he has a child. He's in his mid thirties and I'm in my late twenties, but if I was in my early twenties I probably wouldn't even consider this guy, so I understand where you're coming from.

This guy is looking for the real deal, that's all. He isn't looking for a hook-up. He wants someone he can bring around to his daughter.

[shuttlefish]

This guy is looking for the real deal, that's all. He isn't looking for a hook-up. He wants someone he can bring around to his daughter.

 

It interesting how many women complain that men are looking for quickie hook ups on on line dating sites and yet here is a guy who seems to be looking for a relationship...what's wrong with that?!

 

To the OP, you are approaching that age group where alot of the men are divorced/have kids/alimony etc. It's the nature of that age group. If you find a guy in his 30s who hasn't committed to anyone ever then great but then you have to ask yourself ...why?

[Casperlady]

Ya i have found that too i like to meet sooner rather than later because you can get attached chattin online but then have nothing when you meet in person which is such a let down and sucks. I had one guy recently text me at 3 in the morning to chat and continuously ask me if i would do long distance etc he kept asking the same questions and freaked me out. I thought i was needy lol

[bebeblondie]

It interesting how many women complain that men are looking for quickie hook ups on on line dating sites and yet here is a guy who seems to be looking for a relationship...what's wrong with that?!

 

To the OP, you are approaching that age group where alot of the men are divorced/have kids/alimony etc. It's the nature of that age group. If you find a guy in his 30s who hasn't committed to anyone ever then great but then you have to ask yourself ...why?

 

I really don't have a problem with him being divorced, and if we meet and like each other then great, and I'm game for getting serious. However, I think it's a bit premature to be making future plans when we only started emailing each other a couple of days ago and haven't met in person yet. Also while we live in the same state, he lives almost 4 hours away, however he says he will be moving much closer soon, but I don't know how soon and I've hinted that I am not game for having an LDR.

 

Another thing I don't understand is, he is in a band and quite nice looking from his pics, it doesn't seem like he'd have a problem meeting a woman, so I'm having a hard time understanding why he's on the internet.

[Brisby]

I too would be scared of such approaches... why don't you just be honest with the guy(s) rather than cut them off? Tell them they are coming on a bit strong with some comments and you would like to meet first before establishing that there is "something".

 

Sorry if my comment seems naive - I haven't done the online dating thing before.

 

It's not that I disagree with you but some guys just don't take no for answer no matter how much you explain your position to them. I have talked to a few guys online before and I wasn't even looking for a date and they began to come on really strongly (and I'm not even talking about meeting guys from dating sites either). I would tell them, "No thanks, I'm not looking to date anyone right now." I might as well have said, "Ignore everything I just told you and try HARDER to annoy the piss outta me." So, if she really feels like explaining it to them, fine...but if they're not friends from the beginning, I don't see how it's wrong to just ignore someone when they start jumping on her case like that.

[bebeblondie]

It's not that I disagree with you but some guys just don't take no for answer no matter how much you explain your position to them. I have talked to a few guys online before and I wasn't even looking for a date and they began to come on really strongly (and I'm not even talking about meeting guys from dating sites either). I would tell them, "No thanks, I'm not looking to date anyone right now." I might as well have said, "Ignore everything I just told you and try HARDER to annoy the piss outta me." So, if she really feels like explaining it to them, fine...but if they're not friends from the beginning, I don't see how it's wrong to just ignore someone when they start jumping on her case like that.

 

I like to move slowly so guys who come on too strong are a big turn off for me (online, or in person), I am just not attracted to that type of personality, so while I can tell them to slow down, the attraction for me is already gone and most probably won't come back.

[kaboom1218]

Yah, I was dealing with a guy recently who just seemed so smitten with me right away and would always talk bout the things we could do if we hit it off and everything was always in reference to a possible relationship when we had never met! I told him about it a couple times and he would say he'd stop, but the comments kept creeping back up.

 

From his picture, I couldn't really tell how attractive he was cuz he wore shades in a couple. The one close up did look like something was wrong with his eyes or something. He said nothing was wrong with them, but I'm not convinced. And clearly I'm not that superficial, cuz I was still willing to give him a chance, just wanted to know what he was workin with.

 

So I asked him for more pics and he didn't have any. So I think something is up with the looks, cuz when I asked again for another pic, he stopped replying. I think he wanted me to be as smitten with him when we met so maybe I'd overlook his appearance or I wasn't buying the lines as much as he wanted. He was always braggin bout how good he looked and how much attention he got, but still didn't have many pics. Fishy...Better to know now than later when he grew on me. I'd say you should beware of guys tryin' to make life plans before you meet cuz they could be full of it or there could be no spark when you do finally meet. That's what I woulda seen if we met, lol.

[newwave]

My red flags go out when someone gets that attached (or appears to) before meeting. I had that happen several years ago. This guy kept talking about about our future dates, and other future events. He even mentioned something like "when I propose to you". I just thought he was falling for me because of speaking and my photo. Then we met and I was so sure he was the one. That is until we had our second date (or rather first since the first meeting was casual) an his wife showed up. He was married! His talking about our future was to try to make me think he wanted a future, but in reality he didn't.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you find a guy in his 30s who hasn't committed to anyone ever then great but then you have to ask yourself ...why?

 

Another thing I don't understand is, he is in a band and quite nice looking from his pics, it doesn't seem like he'd have a problem meeting a woman, so I'm having a hard time understanding why he's on the internet.

 

Judgements not grounded in fact...just assumptions. Someone who has never been married in their thirties maybe just have never met the right person. One can be equally skeptical about the character of someone who has been divorced or who has had several live-in relationships which failed.

 

With regards to this guy..maybe the fact that he is good looking and in a band means that the type of women going after him are the groupie types, not the ones interested in a serious relationship. Maybe he is pushing the fact that he is a child so that he can weed out the ones who aren't serious about a relationship or who don't want to date someone who has a child. He is making it clear "love me, love my child...don't love my child then don't bother". I don't blame him.