Girlfriend cheated

[trekbuddy]

I am sure this is a topic that has been covered but I am new here and feel really alone, sad, scared, and angry. I guess I just need to get it out and see what people think my chances are.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years now. When we started seeing each other she had just begun her life sober. She was a "party girl". She had gotten 3 DUI's and was facing some hard challenges in her life. We started just talking and emailing but eventually we made the decision to start seeing each other. Then decided to move in together. Her AA program tells her not to date for the first year but her sponsor and AA girls all feel that I am good for her.

So they gave their blessing.

 

Our sex life was great at first. We took our time before we were intimate. We have both been burned in the past in relationships. The problem started about 6 months into our relationship. She had some discomfort when we were having sex. She has a condition called Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Basically she has a super low collagen count and her skin is fragile. She is prone to cuts, bruises, and burst blood vessels all of the time.

 

She went and saw her gyno and basically she said she had a tear in her vaginal wall and we just needed to not have sex for a few days and it would be fine. Then she went to court for her second DUI charge and they put her in jail for 30 days. I stood by her, bought minutes on the states phone plan and paid all of her bills for the 30 days. I went and saw her every week and just tried to be as supportive as I could be. When she got out I took the day off work so we could spend the whole day together and I figured we would be fine. That was when the decline began. She started pulling away. Our sex life dropped to once a week if that. We had conversations about it and she says she doesn't know why she just didn't want to have sex with me but that she loves me very much. My being naive I thought with time she would figure out what she needed and we would be ok.

 

Some time passes where we are not having sex as often as I would like but we are still having sex. We elected to move into a bigger place together just over a year ago. Since that happened I can count on one hand the times we have had sex.

 

She has pulled back all intimacy. We never cuddled, we barely kissed. In conversations about it she has told me that this has been the pattern she has done with all of her relationships, the difference between them and me is that eventually they cheated on her and she left them. She also has problems having an orgasm as well. She has told me that I am the best sex she has ever had and she got really close but it just never happened.

 

Then the 2nd of February happened. I take my dog home from the shop I own just out of the blue. When I get there I see her brother-in-law's truck parked in the parking lot. He is her half-sister's husband. For some reason I knew then and there. It wouldn't be unusual for him to be there because she is just now in the process of getting her license back so she doesn't drive and he may have been there to give her a ride to work. But for some reason I knew. The deadbolt was locked. As I go in to the apartment the door to my bedroom closes. I see his shoes and her clothes all over the floor. She comes out and acts like nothing is going on. His work shirt is on the bed.

 

I confront her about it. I was in more of a state of shock than anything. He was hidden in the master bathroom. I tell him to get dressed and come out. This was the worst possible thing to happen to me. I confronted them about it and they say it has only been going on for about a month. He says he is having issues in his marriage. It was devastating. I don't know what to do. I truly love her. I am willing to give her anything. I just want us to be normal and happy.

 

This was the catalyst for her to get into therapy. She says she wants to try to fix what she has damaged and that she doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose her either. I haven't made any rash decisions. My first instinct was to cut and run but she is a very extraordinary person. I just think she sabotages herself. She says she never felt like she deserves me. She has some deep rooted self-esteem issues that I hope she can fix. The therapy seems to be helping. We talked the other day and she says that she is starting to feel closer to me than she did before. I am trying to let this go, because I do think she is a good person she just makes bad decisions sometimes. I don't know if I am fooling myself or what. We have always talked and gotten along extremely well. She is my best friend too.

 

I just want some intimacy with her. Even after the infidelity. We have started cuddling more but I still feel like the intimacy is being initiated by me. Not her. It is like she is willing to share intimate things with everyone but me. I need to get into seeing a counselor as well after all of this. The problem is I just bought a business and it is struggling just to get by so there is no way I will be able to afford to pay for therapy. I want us to go together and she agrees I just don't know if I can pay for it.

 

I don't know. I guess I just need to know that I am not alone in all of this. Right now I have never felt as alone as I do. It doesn't help that her infidelity was with someone that I was becoming really close with too. I considered him one of my best friends.

 

I'm sorry about the long winded post this all just hurts so much......

[ohdammm]

Cheating to me is a line you don't pass. But this is all your decision. To be honest with you, if my boyfriend cheated, i say now that i wouldn't take him back, but i honestly wouldn't know what i would do unless i was in that situation. But one thing is for sure, you cant forgive her fully until you let it go. Until then, you aren't being fair to yourself or to her, because that thought will be in the back of your mind. Continuing this relationship could cause big trust issues on your part and big self esteem issues on her part. Usually, when one cheats, they will feel guilty later and then press the blame on the other person. Love is a powerful thing and it will make you do things that doesn't make sense. But don't put in all of this effort to make things better, if she isn't willing to as well. A relationship is a two way street and from what you said in your post- it seems like its been a one-way for a while. Sometimes its best to start focusing on yourself.

[AlphaFemme]

i know you are hurting... boy, do i know. but the best thing for you long term is probably the thing that will hurt you the most right now: walk away.

 

addicts are told in AA to avoid relationships for the first year for a reason (and it's not just so they can concentrate on themselves): they consume their partners alive with destructive and outrageous behavior. the thing is, once they start doing this, it won't likely stop until they are well into recovery; and it won't stop until they form a new relationship without the baggage of old mistakes.

 

i know you love her... but you need to love yourself more. i also know you won't listen to this, and you'll keep working at the relationship until it's been dead for years and you feel like you've wasted your life trying... so here's what i would like to tell you then:

 

it will get better. you will find someone who loves you and is good for you. and you will be happy.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Dude...you should just RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK! this women is a total mess.

[TechResQ]

Hi trek...first of all welcome to eNA!

 

Secondly, you are correct, this IS a subject covered here all of the time, unfortunately...(it's why I came here in the first place too)...however, it doesn't mean that people won't be sympathetic, if not empathetic with you.

 

I'm so sorry she has treated you this way. She has acted in a very selfish way toward someone she owes the world to and quite frankly should be cherishing you for what you have done and gone through for her. You said something in your post about her feeling like she doesn't deserve you. To be brutally honest, she's correct! Anyone that would do what she did, has some major issues and deep seated problems.

 

I won't tell you not to give her another chance, but I will tell you that 9 times out of 10, it doesn't work out if you do. The trust is VERY VERY hard to rebuild. (yes, I speak from my own experience). You need to think long and hard as to what all you have sacrificed and done for her, just for her to throw it all in the garbage to have a fling with a married man (AND HER BROTHER-IN-LAW to boot!!!) I find this completely unacceptable.

 

Does her half sister know what's going on?

 

Sorry if I seem blunt, just my two cents. Another one who gives VERY solid and sound advice is "LostandHurt" I am sure he will respond to you too. Listen to him, he's a good one! As are MANY MANY others here.

 

God Bless...and again,. welcome.

[ohdammm]

Dude...you should just RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK! this women is a total mess.

 

I dont think thats the advice he is looking for..

[Sparkly Eyes]

I dont think thats the advice he is looking for..

 

Actually I think this very much IS the advice he is looking for! This woman sounds like very bad news, repeatedly gets DUIs, cheats with her SISTER'S HUSBAND while she doesn't give intimacy to her own boyfriend. Do you really think this relationship is worth putting any more effort in? I HIGHLY doubt it. I think he needs to hear the truth even if it sounds harsh!

[ohdammm]

Yes, she may be someone who has gotten in some trouble in her past--but has been going to AA to fix that--And she also found someone (trek) who has obviously found her to be beautiful inside and out-- loved her and helped her. WHen giving advice you cant just straight out say "shes crazy and has problems, leave her".

 

Everybody has problems and we are all a little bit crazy. Its just a matter of how we express ourselves.

[fragmint]

im so sorry you are in this position. i have been through this and worked it out successfully a few times. what you have to keep in mind is that just because you get through it THIS time doesnt mean she wont do this again in the future. basically get some quiet time to yourself and decide

 

1. do you really want this that much

2. are you willing to ACCEPT this FOREVER if you guys get past this (some people work things out, then become resentful later in the relationship)

and 3 . can you ACCEPT that you might have to go through this again with her. and yes it will hurt multiple times worse if she does it again.

 

 

if you dont think you can handle that or dont want to risk being hurt again i would seriously consider breaking things off. it might sound selfish but you really need to think about yourself first - what do you want, what you know you can or cannot handle, what can you accept, what you cannot accept. you might not be happy with some of your own answers but sometimes its better to let ourselves hurt more in the short term if it means being happier in the long term with someone else.

[fLuiD]

Both need to step away from the relationship. If she really cares for you, she will do what it takes to re establish your trust and repair the damage her infidelity has caused. I hope you understand the idea that the only reason she is doing this now is because she got caught. Had she not been caught, she would not have apologized or told you anything. And this has been going on for a month...

 

The odds are against you in a positive result for you, but don't think about the distant future right now. You need to first address your trust issues and to heal from what has happened. Whether she is there or not after you have healed is up to her. Leave her, and make sure she understands that you cant be with her until she straightens herself out. Its for the better, as painful as it might be

[trekbuddy]

I am not afraid to put in the work to get the relationship back on track. I wrote her a letter just so I could get everything out there. Here is what I said.

 

I don't want to have this email upset you at all. I am just still having a hard time at times with my own brain. Nights like last night where I can't sleep makes me think way too much. I just still have questions that are unanswered and I don't know who to talk to about them. I am struggling really hard with us and I feel like the shop is tanking and all I really want to do is curl up and die.

My struggle with us isn't all of the time. I feel we are starting to connect better than we were before. I do agree with your statement that we are starting to get a little closer. My struggle is when you are lying next to me and I know you don't want me to touch you. Even if we completely drop the emotional connection, I do still have a need that we are not fulfilling. I guess I need to know a few things. Do I smother you? Do you just not have the desire for sex with me at all? Part of me really understands why we got disconnected. But another part of me has taken huge blows to my self esteem. I want to be there for you and be able to wait for the counseling to work because I do feel like it will. It is just so hard! I'm almost in tears typing this.

You are one of the most stimulating people that I have ever met. You are beautiful, smart, creative, witty, and one of the sexiest people that I know. Even if I hadn't fallen for you I would still want to hook up with you! Do you even think about sex with me? I do know there are things that I want to change about the times we do make love. I think it needs to be more about your pleasure. I feel like the last few times it has been the same old same old. I get more pleasure from knowing you are enjoying yourself. That is why the last couple of times we just got to a certain point and I stopped. I know you have never orgasmed with me. You have stated that it just doesn't happen for you. But I also feel like because of that, subconsiously, you have thought what is the point of sex at all? I know you have gotten a toy. Have you been using it? I think a natural exploration is good for anybody. I encourage you to masterbate. As a matter of fact I think it is sexy as hell! If you don't know how to give yourself pleasure, how can I make it worth while for you to let me give you pleasure? I also think that you subconsiously feel like you are undeserving of the pleasure that making love gives you. I do get it. I do understand I just want to try to make things better for us. But in the same token a part of me doesn't understand how if you love someone you still don't want them to touch you. I don't want to feel rejected and I don't want you to feel pressured either. I'm struggling. I just want it to be better.

Have you talked to Will? I understand if you have, I just would like to know what direction that relationship is going. I also need to know that the affair is over. I have not talked to him since Mandi picked up their stuff. I know at some point I will have to, especially if he doesn't tell Mandi that he cheated but at this point I just can't. I want to ask if you enjoyed having sex with him more than you enjoy it with me but I know that is a loaded question. It was new and exciting and dangerous. It is only natural. It is just hard on my self esteem to think that you want to share things with someone else. I guess in a way I felt replaced.

I don't want you to feel like you are obligated to stay with me. I want to know that you are staying with me because you love me for me and not because I am a good guy. I am trying really hard to be supportive and give you the time that you need. I just also need you too. I need some sense of normalsy. I don't need us to start being intimate every single night. I totally get the need to take it slow. We did that when we started seeing each other. I want to do that again. I want to look at this as a rebirth of us as a couple.

I know this is a lot to take in. Especially since it may feel like it is coming out of the blue. I just also don't want to be dependent on sleeping pills to get me to not think about things. That is what happened last night. I was hoping we could maybe make love so I didn't take anything. Then I fell asleep right after you but the dogs got me up at 1:45 and I was up pretty much till shortly before your alarm went off. The side effect of taking the pills that my Mom gave me kind of suck. The upside is that it makes me a little indifferent to how I am feeling. The downside is that it doesn't decrease my desire to be with you but it makes it so that if we were together I wouldn't be able to climax either. Gotta love being able to find out what pills do on the internet!

I'm sorry about this whole thing. I don't want you to get upset. I just gotta talk to somebody.

 

I do appreciate all of the words of encouragement. I also appreciate the harsh advice as much as positive advice too.

 

All of the advice is what I have heard from my guy friends. Mostly it has been that I should drop her. Being in this situation has really changed how I look at things.

[iBroken]

Uh, I would drop her.

 

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? What is SHE giving to you. She is not affectionate, she has some issues, she doesnt orgasm through sex. It doesnt seem like you are losing much if you let her go?

 

I would leave this one be........let her go.

Oh and tell Mandi what her husband is doing - its only fair.

[TechResQ]

trekbuddy...I know this is going to sound harsh, but you don't even sound the least bit angry at her in the letter???? You kind of sound like you are just completely rolling over and letting her walk all over you.

 

What she did to you is completely wrong and despicable...let alone what she did to her own half-sister!

 

 

I'm sorry, like I said, I don't mean to sound harsh.

[trekbuddy]

Uh, I would drop her.

 

What are YOU getting out of this relationship? What is SHE giving to you. She is not affectionate, she has some issues, she doesnt orgasm through sex. It doesnt seem like you are losing much if you let her go?

 

I would leave this one be........let her go.

Oh and tell Mandi what her husband is doing - its only fair.

 

 

Yeah I totally understand what you are saying. I do get a lot of emotional support from her. It is the intimacy issue that has caused this.

 

I have thought long and hard about telling Mandi. I just know that as soon as I tell her who he was cheating with it will tear apart their whole family. Mandi's Mom (my girls step-mom) will disown her and her other (full blood) sister will side with my girl. It will be a mess.

 

The last thing that I said to the guy was that he needed to tell his wife and that she deserved to at least know what he was doing if not with whom.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that you need to address the issue of her cheating, and the amount of trust you can have in her, rather than the lack of sex you're having together.

[trekbuddy]

trekbuddy...I know this is going to sound harsh, but you don't even sound the least bit angry at her in the letter???? You kind of sound like you are just completely rolling over and letting her walk all over you.

 

What she did to you is completely wrong and despicable...let alone what she did to her own half-sister!

 

 

I'm sorry, like I said, I don't mean to sound harsh.

 

You are right that letter doesn't convey the anger that I have. I do have my moments of anger but more than that is the sadness. Don't worry about sounding harsh. I appreciate all of it.

 

The problem with me (well probably one of them) is that in past relationships when I was younger I wasn't the most faithful. Then I was in the relationship before this one that just didn't work out and I felt like the one burned. So in a twisted way I can understand why she did what she did because I have been there. I just thought I was done with all of that crap!

[trekbuddy]

I think that you need to address the issue of her cheating, and the amount of trust you can have in her, rather than the lack of sex you're having together.

 

It is not the lack of sex. That is just the byproduct. The issue is the lack of intimacy.

[lostandhurt]

trek,

I only have a moment before I log off.

Being an alcoholic, a cheater, a liar and a someone that users others is a lot to fix and it isn't your job to even try. You supported her, didn't judge her past and was more than patient with her.

How were you repaid? You were betrayed by not only her but the loser brother in law!

You are enabling her behavoir and you know it. This must stop right now. The only way this has any chance of working some time in the future is for you to step away and allow her to find her own way with out you around. Her free will is what will tell you what she is willing and capable of doing.

I know alcoholism very well as both my parents drank heavily and my wife of 20 years cheated on me so unfortunately I know of the betrayal you feel. This is something you must realize you have NO CONTROL over. It isn't your fault and really isn't your to fix. There is something I like to call love goggles that keep us from seeing clearly. You have a pair on right now as I did in the beginning. Keep posting anf PM me if you like. There are many here that can and will help you.

 

I will keep an eye out for you later.

 

Lost

[trekbuddy]

Thank you Lost. I do appreciate the support. And you are probably right. I'm sure I do have the "goggles" on. I do love her and she really does have the potential to be a wonderful person.

 

At every time in her life where she has tested her relationship with people who say they love her they have bailed on her. From her parents to past relationships. I guess at this point I want to see her through getting some therapy so I can see if I can forgive.

 

I do love her. This is the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

[fxer82]

it sounds like she is bi-polar, there is no way of telling but by doctor. but what you need to see is she * * * * on you and your relationship in the worst way, she cheated, she lied, she doesnt deserve you and more important is you dont deserve her or any other woman who would do that to there relationship. really think only of yourself and not of her, that is what she did to you ... run for the hills... you or anyone else may never meen anything to her, so i guess you have to ask yourself can you deal with a lier, cheater. you make up your mind it is your life. she is gaming you on her past relationships and family... dont get anymore involved in her problems you have your own and you deserve to find someone with respect, honor, trust, and NOT PLAY GAMES ( testing someone in her past relationships) thats a game, not devotion... with no honor of love to it. shes gaming with your emotions, sympathys, your good heart, monie so on so on.... we are here for you. stay strong brother it does come into view for a reason and your lesson is seeing things are not right with her NOT YOUR FOUGHT or RESPONCEABILITY to FIX her she has already broken it apart with no way to repair it.. HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH... GIRLS THAT LIKE YOU.... WOULD NEVER DO TO YOU WHAT SHE CHOOSE TO DO.

[Ms Darcy]

At every time in her life where she has tested her relationship with people who say they love her they have bailed on her. From her parents to past relationships. I guess at this point I want to see her through getting some therapy so I can see if I can forgive.

 

I do love her. This is the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

A few things stick out to me in your posts. One, she is an alcoholic. It is entirely possible that she has an addictive personality and has moved from one drug (alchohol) to another drug (cheating) to feel same chemical excitement in her brain.

 

Two, you are a fully co-dependent enabler. I suggest you buy the book "Co-Dependent No More." You show that you are an enabler by doing things for her that she is capable of (and should be) taking responsibility for doing on her own such as paying her bills while she's in jail. You describe her life as challenging without directly stating that the challenges are ones that she created. I get the sense from your posts that you do not put much responsibility on her to seek help, nor do you communicate an urgency for her to do so.

 

Your letter is actually very sad, not because of the clear emotion that's there but the fact that it shows how winnowed away your self-esteem has become. You are begging her for love. I think that whatever you do, you need to seek help for yourself primarily because relationships don't get this sick without the participation of two people.

[trekbuddy]

You make some very profound observations. I definitely think I need to get into some kind of therapy. I have told her that there was no way we were ever going to even try to be together if she didn't get some therapy for herself. And I need to do the same thing.

 

I do feel like my self-esteem has been torn down. You pretty much hit the nail right on the head.

[lostandhurt]

trek,

Looking back on her life and all those DUI's must make you think doesn't it? First off to get that many DUI's she must have been extremely unlucky, stupid or she must have been driving drunk quite a lot. I think it was the latter. You say that everytime she tested a relationship the people bailed on her. I wonder just how far she pushed/tested these relationships before the others bailed? Personally I do not believe they bailed, I think they realized that they were enabling her behavior and cut her off until she straightened out.

She is very selfish as has been proven by her actions. Drunk driving is a selfish act. Using others while she continues her bad behavior is a selfish act. Cheating on you was a selfish act. I bet if you were to go back to all these people from her past that "bailed" you would hear a much different story from them.

 

The only way you two could ever have a good relationship is for you to let her go and allow her to stay clean and sober and self sufficient and honest all by herself. Which is why when they are in the program they aren't supposed to have romantic relationships. For her it is time for a do over and go back to the first step and do this thing right without you there.

I can see her drinking again in the near future and you making excuses for her. I hope you do not allow yourself to be drug that deep......

 

Best wishes

Lost

[tekno]

Ok, this is gonna be hard for you to grasp but i know im older and wiser. Party girl, someone dumb enough to get popped that many times is red flag. I partied Fkn hard since i was 14... drinking, then drugs for years. I have one dwi after almost 12 or so YEARS of hard core partying. I also completed my degree, and am a productive sober human.

I just dumped an ex * * * * up. They will ALWAYS * * * * up. She will 190% cheat again in future sometime. Ditch her now. Tell her family to come pick her * * * * up and do it fast and cut her off.... It is like gravity. my recent ex acted like a * * * * * when she drank. i made good decision for my sobriety and my * * * * by ditching her. Find a good sober chick that shares you morels, with NO JAIL TIME. Drama is what she sounds like

[tekno]

i drank copious amounts from 14 to 17 and * * * * loads of drugs till i got sober 2 years ago ... i have one charge because i learned my lesson, and im not fking stupid. * * * * ups like party girls cheat, drunks do dumb * * * * . Dump her. Screw thearpy now, dump her THEN GET cousiling