If you're incurably ill, hold onto the partner or send away?

[tiredofvampires]

And I certainly do believe the marriage vows cover this. The reality of hardship doesn't make it unendurable, it's part of commitment and love.

[BriarRose]

And I certainly do believe the marriage vows cover this. The reality of hardship doesn't make it unendurable, it's part of commitment and love.

I agree. I know for fact, that I wouldn't leave someone I loved because of a terminal or lifelong disabling condition. I'm no saint, I'm not saying it would be easy, just that I would not leave them. And it would be because I love them.

[Cognitive_Canine]

And I certainly do believe the marriage vows cover this. The reality of hardship doesn't make it unendurable, it's part of commitment and love.

 

I don't think you know how you'll feel or react to this kind of situation until you're in this kind of situation.

 

While I have nothing but respect for those that stick with their partners, I do not condemn those who cannot handle it and didn't understand what they were committing to when they were bright eyed and bushy tailed and very much in love.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it can be easy to say, "I would just let my partner go" if they have never actually faced the prospect of living a whole life alone, even with love and good things to give in a relationship.

 

It's not that easy to let one of the most profound types of intimacy go, when you experience the complexities for yourself. And start to ask questions like "Is the sum total of me and what I have to give, this illness?"

 

It's too easy to just say, "I'd tell my partner to leave" and choose a life of celibacy and being alone. Well, if you're a passionate person who values relationships...then you are headed for suicidal depression with that predicament.

[hexaemeron]

I've been with my partner for almost 5 years now. And if I found out I was going to be sick long term, need special care or would die soon, he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

For his own good, and mine. An illness shouldn't ruin two lives.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think you know how you'll feel or react to this kind of situation until you're in this kind of situation.

 

Interesting, we both made this point, just from different sides of the fence.

 

I think it's impossible to know how you'd react to ANYTHING in life until you cross that bridge.

 

But I think it's fairly safe to say, speaking for myself, that some things I have a good idea of, based on precedent, how I'd react. And I do believe that this is one of those where I could predict that I'd stick around. If he became mentally abusive or lost all will to do anything and became apathetic but didn't want therapy for it, because he was so depressed about his condition, that might change things, but if he just needed extra care and accomodations, I know what my priorities are.

 

I would hope to find someone who feels the same...life is unpredicatable. I'd be looking for someone who factors that in when they take vows.

[tiredofvampires]

I've been with my partner for almost 5 years now. And if I found out I was going to be sick long term, need special care or would die soon, he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

For his own good, and mine. An illness shouldn't ruin two lives.

 

So this is just a fair-weather relationship?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Interesting, we both made this point, just from different sides of the fence.

 

I think it's impossible to know how you'd react to ANYTHING in life until you cross that bridge.

 

But I think it's fairly safe to say, speaking for myself, that some things I have a good idea of, based on precedent, how I'd react. And I do believe that this is one of those where I could predict that I'd stick around. If he became mentally abusive, because he was so depressed about his condition, that might change things, but if he just needed extra care and accomodations, I know what my priorities are.

 

I would hope to find someone who feels the same...life is unpredicatable. I'd be looking for someone who factors that in when they take vows.

 

I feel the same as you. But it is very situational.

 

At what point is your partner still your partner? It's not just a physical change. I could handle that I believe. But, if they become severely depressed, negative, lost their blossom....how unbelievably crushing it must be to watch your partner's soul just die a little each day.

 

You just never know what kind of complications can arise so I cannot give an absolute as to what should be done/I could do. I do believe in trying. But to what extent is up to the individual and I will not judge those who have breaking points.

[vertigoxo]

]

 

Wow. That OP's husband is just plain heartless.

 

I'm sorry, but if someone I love, whether it's a boyfriend or a husband, I would stay by his side and take care of him. Yes, it will hurt if he doesn't make it and dies someday, but at least I could say I was there for him when he needed someone the most.

 

This reminds me of another ENA member I've became friends with here. She had a tumor in her body and her ex broke up with her and never said one word to her 6+ months later. He even went out with another girl. It was as if the illness didn't make him even blink. Some people are just not cut out to feel love in their hearts, I guess.

 

If I were sick, it would be up to my partner if he wanted to stay by my side or not. If he left, I'd feel incredibly hurt, I won't lie. If he stayed, I'd be ectastic.

[tiredofvampires]

At what point is your partner still your partner? It's not just a physical change. I could handle that I believe. But, if they become severely depressed, negative, lost their blossom....how unbelievably crushing it must be to watch your partner's soul just die a little each day.

 

This is valid, and as I said before, I'd understand people who can't handle these kinds of rigors. I think staying with someone who is chronically depressed, or has any kind of chronic condition, will bring psychological challenges as well. And I'd consider that part of the "thick and thin" of weathering it. But as long as they are making efforts and trying to make this work, I'd stay. All the same rules apply as in any relationship -- I won't take abuse, but someone else's despair over a despairing situation, that I can handle. I have my own inner resources, and as long as we are both fighting together, and not giving up, I'm there.

 

I saw a program about the vets that come back profoundly brain injured, to wives that don't have medical insurance (with our problems nationally there) to get the right kind of help, and have to quit their jobs to help their spouses in rehab. One story showed a woman who said her in-laws told her they'd understand if she divorced her husband. He was a marine, and had been so gravely injured, he couldn't even speak, could only blink on a good day. She said leaving when he needed her the most...when he could feel her love even though he couldn't communicate it back (though that was a therapeutic goal)...would have been unthinkable. I don't know how I'd react to that situation once put in it, so I won't pretend to know. But I would hope to do exactly what she did -- stay and cheer him on and be there for the longhaul.

 

They are a young couple, so time might change things. But that's the sort of love I would want to have in a relationship, should it be needed.

 

I don't think she considers it in her best interests to leave, that it would be for "her sake". That is why she chooses to stay. One's choice to stay and not leave is just as much a decision made in one's "best interests", after evaluating the ALTERNATIVES, as any other.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am prepared for dealing with dementia. I've dealt with family members suffering from it and it doesn't faze me. They are none the wiser and it doesn't affect their personality all that much. They are blissfully unaware of it.

 

I could also deal with a stroke leading to being paralyzed. My cousin was born with cerebral palsy. She cannot talk but only moan to communicate. Although she has the intelligence and maturity of a young adult, most people just dismiss her. They just see the drooling (she can't feel her mouth, so she doesn't involuntarily swallow), the limping (half of her body is paralyzed), the nonsense moaning (after a while, you do hear words), and the disconnection.

 

Those, I could handle. I know I could handle. I've done it before. Others, I would like to believe I could handle. But, I just don't know. I'll try my best but everyone has a breaking point.

[sophie274]

An illness shouldn't ruin two lives.

 

Living with an illness doesn't necessarily mean a ruined life.

I am incredibly grateful for my (so far) good health, and should I become sick, I know I would be angry and upset and would mourn the "normal" life I'd never lead. But my life would still go forward. I know a number of people who've had accidents that led to terrible injuries, or have contracted debilitating illnesses. They're still going, and they are surprisingly resilient and happy. You have to adjust, but life does go on.

 

I have a family member who is in a bit of a similar situation, with an ill wife. He is trying to distance himself from her as he is worn out by her illness (he doesn't have to giver her any medical care nor is she in critical condition, but her company is no longer very stimulating). I am personally quite disappointed by what he is doing and feel that he is not fulfilling his promise to her, now that the going is rough. (Of course I haven't told him this nor would I ever - it's probably not my place to judge what he can and cannot withstand, but that's my observation.) I find it quite sad for her.

[FarthestEdge]

People though who have no plans to stay in the hard times should not be getting married. It is a lifetime agreement.

 

Agreed.

 

I would never leave my husband, my children's father to fend for himself at a time like that. And given how I've seen him handle other issues (miscarriages/childbirth etc), I fully believe he would be there for me.

 

Having said that, depending on the condition, and other variables, I could see me telling him to put me in a care home, if I felt caring for me would compromise his ability to car for our children. Come and visit me regularly, call me, and continue to love me and make sure I am well cared for, but take care of our kids first.

 

I also would be ok with him taking a lover if I was unable to meet that need on a permanent basis. Not everyone would be ok with this, but in that circumstance, I know he could do that, and continue to love me.

 

It sounds like a simple question, but it's really quite complicated depending on the issue and how it changes the quality of life for everyone involved, and what the alternative options are...

 

It's not as simple as stay and sacrifice everything, or go and leave me to die alone....there are a million points in between those ends of the spectrum.

[G-Snap]

This question is in response to another thread. If you contracted or was diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating, chronic condition, where you knew you'd be 100% dependent on the other person for everything...

 

Would you feel justified in accepting that assistance, knowing that the entire nature of the relationship has now irrevocably shifted? Or, would you not want the other person to sacrifice so much for you and send them away to find someone who could be more equal in a relationship?

 

I thought about my answer on this one by thinking if my partner were the one with the chronic illness whom I loved dearly. I would be so hurt if they pushed me away to not let me be there for them in their most dire time of need. Let your loved one choose what sacrifices he or she will make. When we love someone truly it is unconditionally and we want to be there for them in their most critical time of need.

[DN]

Well the problem is that looking on vows as a sort of smörgåsbord where you get to pick and choose which ones you want to keep retrospectively means that your partner can't trust that you will keep any of them. If one person finds it difficult to keep the one about 'in sickness and in health' when faced with that actuality another might use the same reasoning to break the ones about fidelity.

[G-Snap]

Well the problem is that looking on vows as a sort of smörgåsbord where you get to pick and choose which ones you want to keep retrospectively means that your partner can't trust that you will keep any of them. If one person finds it difficult to keep the one about 'in sickness and in health' when faced with that actuality another might use the same reasoning to break the ones about fidelity.

 

I absolutely agree. Let's face it, we are mortal, and when we are in an exclusive relationship PARTICULARLY if married things like this CAN happen. When we enter a relationship with someone we adore and love, we can't ever say that something chronic like an illness will never come up and if it does we have an 'out clause'. I for one don't think we cut and run. Will it be easy? Most likely NOT.

 

Life isn't always easy.

[greywolf]

I don't think you can really send someone away unless they want to be gone. I believe in personal choice and responsibility and that everyone should get to do what makes them happy. It's not my job to decide what's best for my partner. It's their job.

 

In that situation, I would probably encourage my partner to start dating other people, but I don't really think I'd send them away if they wanted to stay.

[greywolf]

I guess it might be, possibly. But even still, I don't think *I* could handle the guilt of that.

 

That is understandable, but then I think you need to realize that that would only be thinking about yourself and not really about your partner.

[BriarRose]

Hex, you sound so certain he would leave you. Perhaps he would not want to.

[journeynow]

I thought about my answer on this one by thinking if my partner were the one with the chronic illness whom I loved dearly. I would be so hurt if they pushed me away to not let me be there for them in their most dire time of need. Let your loved one choose what sacrifices he or she will make. When we love someone truly it is unconditionally and we want to be there for them in their most critical time of need.

 

I feel the same way.

 

You know, we ARE humans, with bodies that break down eventually. It's part of life. Why does that have to be separate from our meaningful relationships?

[Night Pumpkin]

There is a reason why marriage vows traditionally included a line "in sickness and in health."

 

Love is unconditional acceptance. It can be hard to accept help from a partner. It has been hard for me to be unemployed while my girlfriend has work. But that cannot be allowed to affect the quality of our relationship.

 

Just because a person has a disability, that doesn't mean they are no longer useful to society. I remember watching a program about a man with no legs who climbs up onto roofs to install mini satelitte dishes. His tentacity makes me feel strong. If he can do that without legs, then what can I accomplish?

 

I watched another program about a guy born with neither legs nor arms. Yet he has become a motivational speaker, and he uses the stories of how he has overcome his challenges as a way to inspire others.

 

I remembe when I used to do volunteer work in a nursing home. My church group would go to bless the elderly people, including those suffering from dimentia. However, we were always the ones who walked away blessed.

 

My point is that even people with many hardships have value they can contribute to the world. And love is unconditional, and can survive an illness.

 

 

 

This question is in response to another thread. If you contracted or was diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating, chronic condition, where you knew you'd be 100% dependent on the other person for everything...

 

Would you feel justified in accepting that assistance, knowing that the entire nature of the relationship has now irrevocably shifted? Or, would you not want the other person to sacrifice so much for you and send them away to find someone who could be more equal in a relationship?

[Miss Firecracker]

I would hang onto my husband like velcro. He could make up for the past by cleaning bathrooms for me.

[hexaemeron]

Hex, you sound so certain he would leave you. Perhaps he would not want to.

 

Oh, no. I'm certain he would fight me tooth and nail about it, but that's just how I am. I do for myself and I wouldn't want ever to need to ruin someone else's life just to get by day to day.

[FarthestEdge]

Oh, no. I'm certain he would fight me tooth and nail about it, but that's just how I am. I do for myself and I wouldn't want ever to need to ruin someone else's life just to get by day to day.

 

But Hex, because I love my partner, because he's given SO much to me, nothing would ruin my life more, than knowing I'd abandoned him when he needed my love and comfort the most. I think you're missing that point. I wouldn't leave him. I couldn't for my own sanity, integrity and self respect- not just out of love for him.

 

A friend of mine nursed her husband through years of an illness that slowly robbed him of his mobility, continence, mind and eventually his soul before he finally slipped away. But he had been the love of her life, and they had shared so many good years together, they would face this together. It never occurred to her to do it any other way. He's gone now, and she can move on in peace knowing she kept her committment to him, and as such, is free to make that committment again to someone else...knowing she truly knows herself capable of keeping such commitments.

 

It's why "in sickness and in health" is in most marriage vows. This is one of the reasons, marriage is not something to enter into lightly. It is one of the prices you hope to never have to pay, but are prepared to pay if need be, for the benefits of having a lifelong partner.

[hexaemeron]

I see what you're saying and I even understand it, but for myself, I can't agree. Whatever I had to do, I'd make sure he was away, and able to move on in life. And then I'd see to myself and hopefully getting better. I am not about to sit idly by and let someone watch me die by inches.