Another "break": I am so confused

[CAgirl]

The day before our 5 month anniversary my boyfriend R said that we need to take a "break". It was really out of the blue. I just don't really know what to do or how to feel about it. We haven't spoken since Sunday but we've exchanged a few text messages.

 

 

Why it feels like a breakup

-He told me that we aren't "meant to be together"

-And that he has given me so many chances

-He didn't explain exactly why he wanted to break up except that we fight too much

-He said he didn't come to this decision lightly

-He doesn't want to talk on the phone

-He said to stop taking my birth control unless I want to have sex with someone else

-He doesn't want to see me this weekend.

-He said we could still be "friends"

 

Why it doesn't feel like a breakup

-We both agreed not to see other people

-He said we need to put the relationship on "pause"

-He said he doesn't want to cut me out of his life

-He said that we shouldn't be together "right now" but there is a chance in the future

-He said we shouldn't talk for a while but still texts me

 

 

I have no idea what is going on. I have been getting advice to be more aggressive and confront him. I have been told to give him time and space. I have no idea what to do. I really care about him and I want him to be happy but I just don't know how to show that. Despite our rough past, he makes me happy. I see myself with him long-term and I really want to make it work. Please keep that in mind.

 

Advice, opinions, and comments are appreciated. Be kind. I am in highly emotional state right now.

[dangletsbang]

Hasn't he done this several times before?

[CAgirl]

Just once but we ended up getting back together after a week and a half of not talking.

[abitbroken]

I have been there.. It sounds like he is a bit controlling. He is controlling the contact you have with him, he doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't want you to be with anyone else either. For whatever reasons, you are taking column B as a glint of hope. I am not blaming you for feeling that way, but he has you where he wants you. Personally, at the emotional place I am at now, I would not want to be with anyone who didn't want to be with me.

 

I was in a relationship like that - where someone gave me so many "chances" etc. and treated me like I was broken/didn't have a clue about life. I really got to feel like I was a stupid idiot or just not worthwhile. Well, guess what? I found someone who thinks I am just the right fit for him. If I were in your shoes, I would try not to dwell on the day he wants you back and don't sit by the phone. Focus on your own healing as if this were a clean break.

 

In my case, I got very weary. It happened so much that after the third time he did something like this to me and after we got back together, I broke up with him. I couldn't stand it anymore. He was surprised and "wanted me in his life" - but he shouldn't have been surprised because he dumped me 3 times but apparently "he didn't mean it" - i wanted me gone but wanted the option open.

[CAgirl]

Thank you for the advice. So do you think that I should stop contact with him?

[abitbroken]

Thank you for the advice. So do you think that I should stop contact with him?

 

On one hand, I think that you shouldnt stay away just because he says so, but for your own sake, I just might just do the no contact thing because you might get embroiled in a game. If he calls you back, don't be so available. Instead of sitting by the phone, go out with friends, make plans, take a walk on the park. You won't be under his thumb anymore if you live life.

[uncomfynumb]

He told me that we aren't "meant to be together"

 

If someone said that to me after five short months, I would turn around and say "Ok, see ya!" I would be cordial after that and nothing more...

 

Let me tell you something, this "I need a break" is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. People are either vested or they aren't, it really is that simple.

 

Now tell me, do you want to continue to invest your time and energy and emotion and gamble your heart over someone that is investing less than 50% of their time, energy and emotion into you?

 

And what is this comment about birth control? When he isn't with you, what you do with your body is your business.

 

Don't ever be friends with an ex, ever until AFTER you have completely moved on. If that person is a real friend, not just some person in your life for a season, they will respect your need for NC and will be there later on when you have completely healed.

[thejigsup]

If you want to be the pitiful "I will wait for you and do whatever you say" girl, wait for him to call and decide he has "punished" you enough. If you are a true Cali girl, you go trolling for new fish! Date on girlfriend!

[CAgirl]

Thanks you do make a very convincing point and I see that. I just don't know if I am strong enough right now do make that step.

[SunniDee]

I agree uncomfynumb. I could see if maybe this was 5 years of dating and he needed a break (although I say maybe because like was said above, breaks are crap), but 5 short months and it's happening for the 2nd time?

 

Nah. This man doesn't respect your feelings and he's on a power trip. Go NC, and when he comes back, tell him you've actually moved on and he's no longer got a place in your life. See ya!

[uncomfynumb]

Thanks you do make a very convincing point and I see that. I just don't know if I am strong enough right now do make that step.

 

That is a poor excuse. You are as strong as you tell yourself you are, and as strong as you want to be. Can't never could...

 

If you want to be a doormat and have people walk all over you, then by all means! Its your life, live it as you choose! But don't expect people to feel sorry for you later on after they told you so.

[DylanNotorious]

Give him the space he's asking for. Ask yourself some questions too. And be honest! Figure out whether you guys do argue too much and why, do you feel needy, do you want to continue to get dumped, are you exhibiting behaviour to get dumped, etc etc.

 

Then go deeper. Ask yourself "Am I behaving in a way that dosn't warrant getting dumped" "No! I'm a great girlfriend and I don't deserve to be treated this way!" Ask yourself all these questions. You have the answers within you.

 

If he continually keeps dumping you for no specific reason forget him. But if he genuinally has some legit points you can work on them, he hasn't shut the door forever.

 

And while your thinking about what you want, you might decide you don't want HIM BACK!

[mumto2]

Wow this fella's done this twice in 5 months?? Sweetheart save your dignity and move on from him - if a guy is asking for a "break" he hasn't got the backbone to tell you what he really wants to do and is saying this so you'll be left to do the inevitable. You're smart enough to have picked up on all the signs, I would have a serious think about if you want this guy to continuously leave you in limbo about where you stand etc.

 

I know the old cynical saying is 'plenty more fish' but believe me, I bet you there'll be someone far more interested in you than this guy will ever be.

 

By the way, the list you've provided initially is a very controlling list....and it's all demands from him... Don't let yourself get into an abusive controlling relationship. Thats enough in my book to walk away.

[CAgirl]

That is a poor excuse. You are as strong as you tell yourself you are, and as strong as you want to be. Can't never could...

 

If you want to be a doormat and have people walk all over you, then by all means! Its your life, live it as you choose! But don't expect people to feel sorry for you later on after they told you so.

 

I am not a doormat thank you very much. Just to prove that I am going to disagree with you. I am not emotionally strong or I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. It is not an excuse. I am not ready yet to say goodbye or make a decision. It just happened YESTERDAY. I need time to think and contemplate. Don't walk all over me or my posts. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me least of all you.

[CAgirl]

Give him the space he's asking for. Ask yourself some questions too. And be honest! Figure out whether you guys do argue too much and why, do you feel needy, do you want to continue to get dumped, are you exhibiting behaviour to get dumped, etc etc.

 

Then go deeper. Ask yourself "Am I behaving in a way that dosn't warrant getting dumped" "No! I'm a great girlfriend and I don't deserve to be treated this way!" Ask yourself all these questions. You have the answers within you.

 

If he continually keeps dumping you for no specific reason forget him. But if he genuinally has some legit points you can work on them, he hasn't shut the door forever.

 

And while your thinking about what you want, you might decide you don't want HIM BACK!

 

Thank you very much. This is helpful.

[abitbroken]

I am not a doormat thank you very much. Just to prove that I am going to disagree with you. I am not emotionally strong or I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. It is not an excuse. I am not ready yet to say goodbye or make a decision. It just happened YESTERDAY. I need time to think and contemplate. Don't walk all over me or my posts. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me least of all you.

 

We didn't say you were a doormat. I was able to speak my mind to anyone, but somehow with my ex, because he was emotionally manipulative, I did a lot of things that weren't so bold or *thought* I was but I was placated by him. Sometimes decisions are either made for us, or we are forced to react - in a perfect world, you would have been consulted on whether you wanted to be with your boyfriend or not but you weren't. In my marriage, I was forced to react because he walked out the door. There was no sitting down and hashing it out, etc. I had to base my future decisions on what just happened.

 

I think the boldest move you can make right now is to do nothing. If you get the urge to call him, call a friend. If he calls you in a few days, let him leave a message and take your time calling him back (not minutes, but until you feel ready whether its the next day or in a few days or never). It will give you control back. It will be a "game changer" if you ultimately get back together but I feel from the statements of him saying you are "not right for him" - well that is a pretty bold thing to say and either he truly feels that way (then why would he want you back) or is saying it to be mean and hurtful (he loves you but wants a reaction out of you( and you deserve better than that.

[uncomfynumb]

I am not a doormat thank you very much. Just to prove that I am going to disagree with you. I am not emotionally strong or I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. It is not an excuse. I am not ready yet to say goodbye or make a decision. It just happened YESTERDAY. I need time to think and contemplate. Don't walk all over me or my posts. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me least of all you.

 

It just happened yesterday AND for the second time in five months...

 

If you don't believe that you are an emotionally strong person, what are you doing to change that?

 

I'm not trying to walk all over you, I am trying to motivate you to empower yourself and to change your self defeating attitude so that you don't let this man walk all over you.

[uncomfynumb]

It will be a "game changer" if you ultimately get back together but I feel from the statements of him saying you are "not right for him" - well that is a pretty bold thing to say and either he truly feels that way (then why would he want you back) or is saying it to be mean and hurtful (he loves you but wants a reaction out of you( and you deserve better than that.

 

I second that!

[No1]

You are a blanket, you are a comfort zone to him, you are hit net if he falls. He wants to pause for some reason or another and its not fair to you. So I ask you what is it you want?

You said something on your post. You said despite your past, he makes you happy. That sounds like you have a little co-dependency going on. Realize that you you dont need someone to make you happy. A partner is to only enhance or compliment you. Not to make you happy but only to amplify your happiness. So what you must do it just let him go.

He wants you only when he wants you. He wants you to give love to you without him giving any in return or he wants to have a relationship with boundries and limitations and that is not what love it. Love is not about that.

So what is you want?

[thejigsup]

You are both young. Take your time. You are strong, just not right now. You will be. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Whenever you feel ready and strong, you will know what to do. He is young and confused, that is part of it. Just don't wait around for him, live your life and try to enjoy it. If he wants to be a part of it, he knows where you are.