Question about Post Break-Up Activities

[guiltyflood]

Hey all

 

I've been in NC for almost 2 months now. I've found that the best way to move on for me is to be in social settings. I've been to parties, invites, exchanges... the whole thing. I've made conscious efforts to not hook up with anybody. But I look to just have a damn good time wherever or whenever I go.

 

On the contrary, I don't want to do anything that would piss off / hurt my ex, and I'm getting the feeling that she's getting word about my activities in terms of going out, and not taking a liking to it. Obviously, since I'm single, I'm fair game. But the last thing I want to do is hurt her. Note, the only thing I'm doing is just having a few drinks and dancing with people (I'm in college) and just establishing connections maybe for the future. I'm bettering myself, but it's almost negated by my fears for how she would react to it.

 

One reason for this is my close friend, who is also a close mutual friend of my ex and wasn't in favor of me dating her (another long story), has openly told me that I need to go "get some" as a means for getting over her. For that reason, I feel like he's telling my ex about all my recent social activities and is actively pushing her away from me for his own selfish reasons.

 

Is there any way that I can get better, without this crap about angering her, or pushing her away from me? When I'm out, I have a blast. But when a friend of mine tells me I need to actively seek out a one night stand, it hurts me. I don't know how I should handle this....

[Diagonal]

You need to enjoy yourself but seriously your friend is way off in his advice, it will just make you feel worse and ruin your chances if she hears about it.

 

I don't know your story but as well as enjoying yourself, are you working the issues that caused the split?

 

I'm guessing the split is still fresh so you need to keep active to stop those negative and depressive thoughts creeping in. Things get better and you need to do this kind of stuff less and less. Eventually your drive to go out and party will be converted into doing things to get her back.

 

That's what happened to me anyway. At first I tried to keep busy (I didn't got out really, I hit the gym, spent time with family etc). Now I'm putting my energy into getting her back and also helping out people on here.

[furiouspsych]

You are single, so do whatever makes YOU feel better. It's nice that you care about your ex's feelings, but don't put them second to yours. Why does this friend sound shady..

[guiltyflood]

You need to enjoy yourself but seriously your friend is way off in his advice, it will just make you feel worse and ruin your chances if she hears about it.

 

I don't know your story but as well as enjoying yourself, are you working the issues that caused the split?

 

I'm guessing the split is still fresh so you need to keep active to stop those negative and depressive thoughts creeping in. Things get better and you need to do this kind of stuff less and less. Eventually your drive to go out and party will be converted into doing things to get her back.

 

That's what happened to me anyway. At first I tried to keep busy (I didn't got out really, I hit the gym, spent time with family etc). Now I'm putting my energy into getting her back and also helping out people on here.

 

Diagonal, Thanks for the response. I enjoy reading all your posts and it somehow always brings up my mood.

 

We have been in NC for almost 2 months. The breakup isn't exactly fresh in my mind. Obviously, since I still think about her thoughts, I'm not completely over her. I texted her about a week after our breakup just to make sure she was okay, and that turned out to be a very bad idea (with a very nasty response). Because of that, the ball is in her court in terms of contact.

 

After my BU, my confidence and self-esteem were shot. Being social is the best way for me to get out of that funk. Getting a girl's number is a big confidence boost, despite me having absolutely no intention to be in a relationship (and don't worry, I'm not leading them on...).

 

I do want to maintain some sort of friendship/relationship with her. During these past 2 months, I've learned a lot about myself and how I would have / should have done things differently. In addition to my social life, I have taken on a ton of new hobbies, and I feel more confident in myself than ever. If she ever got word of this, I think it would push me more to the good side in her heart.

 

My friend, though, is a great guy but is kind of spoiled. For a variety of reasons, he just did not like me and my ex dating, but was good friends with both. No, it was no a love triangle (he is in a good relationship, himself). I'm pretty sure he's trying to drive her away from me. Afterall, he just said that "she just hates you" in addition to the encouraging me to take part in sex with other people. I don't know how to deal with him, and I'm afraid that he's actively using my lifestyle to drive her to the point of absolutely hating me. Yeah, it's pretty complex.

 

Thanks for the insight.

[guiltyflood]

You are single, so do whatever makes YOU feel better. It's nice that you care about your ex's feelings, but don't put them second to yours. Why does this friend sound shady..

 

My ex and I were inseparable for 3 years. The morning we broke up, she told me that she loved me and came over to my house (like an hour away). I have a hard time believing that she really does hate me now, and would never ever want to do anything with me ever again. If I could prove to her that I changed some of my lifestyles (for MY own benefit), she would probably find me attractive, again.

 

I just hope my friend isn't driving her to that direction, though I feel like he definitely is. Don't worry, I've elected to completely shut down anything about my recovery to him. He's a good friend for socializing, but terrible for personal advice.

[bungalo]

I don't think you shoud give a flying what your ex thinks of your social activities post-b/u. Seriously..it sounds wussy to be concerned about HER feelings when SHE was the one who dumped you. If you're looking to get back with her, you are more attractive as a guy who is moving on and having fun, as opposed to a guy who is tippy-toeing around thinking about the feelings of the woman who tore your heart out..granted I don't have all the details..this friend sounds gossipy and more like a nuicance.

[guiltyflood]

I don't think you shoud give a flying what your ex thinks of your social activities post-b/u. Seriously..it sounds wussy to be concerned about HER feelings when SHE was the one who dumped you. If you're looking to get back with her, you are more attractive as a guy who is moving on and having fun, as opposed to a guy who is tippy-toeing around thinking about the feelings of the woman who tore your heart out..granted I don't have all the details..this friend sounds gossipy and more like a nuicance.

 

No, I totally agree. It's a catch 22, because I feel like my friend will just report it in a way that's completely favorable to what he wants, if I'm doing stuff that I'm doing for myself. I guess the easy answer is to just cut him off from everything that's related to that portion of my life.

[Leon91]

yeah deffo dont give out too much info to your friend!

 

seems like he could be the evil middle man! watch out!

 

take care buddy. keep us posted on your journey to health and hapiness

[catfeeder]

Censoring your life for ex is not only unnecessary, it's not wise. Censoring this particular friendship IS wise.

 

If someone won't keep your confidence, he's not a friend, he's a user. You don't need to burn bridges, but I'd avoid discussion of anything private with him, and I'd cultivate new friendships beyond him. I'd also pointedly tell him that you would feel betrayed if you were to find out that he's speaking of you to your ex, and if he denies it, let it go. You'll have done your part to establish where you stand, and your gut will direct you after that.

 

However your ex interprets your actions after breaking up with you isn't your responsibility. You don't need to hold her up as a reason for not doing things you don't want to do. The fact alone that you don't want to do them is a perfectly valid reason to stand firm on your choices, and nobody else is entitled to an explanation.

 

In your corner.

[minou]

Do not speak to this friend at all about anything related to your ex. Do not. He is bad news for you. Go out if it feels good. Whether or not you get back together will not depend on whether or not you stay home twiddling your thumbs. Be healthy for yourself. If going out helps you feel that way, go for it.

[tina-rocks]

I agree totally be wary around this friend. Sounds like more trouble then true friendship, keep your wits around them and trust your gut instinct and you won't go far wrong.

 

 

 

I totally agree with this... What you do and don't do now you are single is your business alone. Your ex moved on, so don't sit there worrying yourself about how she might feel if you were to do something she might not approve of.. Live your life to the full, you only get one chance so make the most of it. Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

[guiltyflood]

So the general consensus is to keep doing what I think is better for myself (instill more self-confidence), and keep this business away from my friend.

 

In the long run, I do plan on establishing a friendship/relationship with my ex. After I'm fully confident and ready, I will respond to her call (whenever that may be). Hopefully, it's not too late...

[Diagonal]

Thanks for the kind comments GuiltyFlood

 

I would tell him to back off or at least keep him out of the loop of your personal life.

 

It sounds like you're doing well and working on yourself, which can only aid your chances. Like Minou said do things for you and to keep you healthy and positive and I'm sure you'll get your chance.