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Deciding what to do with the "relationship" which isn't one


dr_styles

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I've tried to figure this one out on my own as well as giving it time but as you can tell I just can't seem to make a decision so here we go to the floor

 

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months. As you can gather from some of my posts/threads, I've still yet to kiss her, and only been able to hug her a few times. With this thread still on my mind, I had a talk with her about similar thing and to be sadness (though rather predictable I have to say) she gave a rather similar response as what my acquaintance got.

 

The current pluses are that she fits a lot of the general personality traits. Nothing exceptional but point is I get along with her well enough. Another one is that she does like me, something pretty rare for me so I have to consider it.

 

The minuses from me is that she just doesn't seem very compatible. Pretty asexual, no interest in affection, not very girly or dressy, and well while I'm at it someone a littler thinner (this itself isn't a dealbreaker something that comes up all the same) . As you can tell these "minuses" are more typical of preferences than bad points.

 

Now the confusing clarifications. There is nothing bad about the "relationship" (I personally just can't call it that without any romantic affection) and have ok times together. She is also not in the way of me going out with other girls. And well, beggars can't be choosers. I have a feeling the guys here who have trouble getting a date (of which I was and sort of still am) will know what I mean when I say it just seems silly of me to throw something like this away.

Don't take this analogy too seriously but it feels like a relationship version of a sexless marriage ... (no bad bits, just all missing)

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  • 2 weeks later...

There's nothing saying you can't keep dating her and still look around... you're not official, so you're still free to date around (just don't tell her you're dating around haha).

 

Holding on to her might actually help you. You have a girl who's at least somewhat interested (interested enough to date you), so use the good feelings that generates to give yourself confidence, and pursue other women. This girl doesn't seem super into you, so you probably won't hurt her badly when the breakup would eventually happen. And you don't seem overly attached to her, either, so...

 

Just don't settle, okay? It feels good to have a girl interested, but if you don't really like her, the novelty will probably wear off eventually and you won't be happy. And then she won't be happy. And then you'll both be miserable together... not a happy picture. Still, if all this turns around and she starts acting more like the girl you really want, by all means keep her!

 

Best of luck!

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It sounds like there is a lack of interest either on your part, hers, or both. Go with your gut feeling on this. If you feel she is not very affectionate then don't waste your time. And don't worry about "throwing this away". You have to go by her actions, not words. You will KNOW if someone is into you, when they really are.

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Thanks for the posts. I've still been reading, just not posting for the last couple of weeks.

 

What's her reason for not kissing? Bless ur patience!

 

Not having ever been kissed, and still never has helped if you can call it help anyway. But not even my patience is limitless.

 

Compatibility is one of the main elements of a successful relationship. If it's not there, it's just not there.

 

I have put this to her in the time past, and what came from that very serious conversation was that (apparently) I am wrong about her, e.g. she claims she does like physical affection and finally said she wasn't ready to do that with me. yes, just a kiss, jeez! She at least told me why; she didn't trust me. In my words, I am not clingy enough. Ironic because she's hardly quick on the contact either and I'm still the one initiating all the physical meets (ironic there's no actual physical bit hey

 

There's nothing saying you can't keep dating her and still look around... you're not official, so you're still free to date around (just don't tell her you're dating around haha).

In my mind I struggle to call her my girlfriend; I just can't to someone I haven't even kissed, hold their hand (private or otherwise), or regular hugs. Based on some tips from friends, she looked like one of the girls who was taught to only do these things with someone who was official with them, so followed their advice and asked her about it. I did make clear the reason I was asking about or status was because this physical side was lacking. So from that, she thinks we are official and being a loyal person I will also follow that.

I should clarify that if I got hit (lol) by an attractive girl I'd take the date, because ultimately I am after my own happiness, but since that rarely happens I don't think that's a problem haha. Anyway so no, I don't really have it in me to actively chase a new date, not anymore. She isn't giving me much confidence anymore either; that phase of it coming from a dateless person has passed unfortunately. (?)

 

Just don't settle, okay?

 

Best of luck!

 

Thanks Knight. Good to see you travelling really well too (better than me? haha). For sure I won't settle even though it looks like that now. You could say ever since "the talk" I've been willing to give her more time, and other parts of my life are pretty busy/fluctuating at the moment anyway so no real harm in doing that.

 

It sounds like there is a lack of interest either on your part, hers, or both. Go with your gut feeling on this. If you feel she is not very affectionate then don't waste your time. And don't worry about "throwing this away". You have to go by her actions, not words. You will KNOW if someone is into you, when they really are.

 

This isn't specifically at ur post but updates on the points you've posted. I've had inside information like through her relatives that in the couple days after when I almost "broke up" with her, she was pretty unhappy. I have followed my instincts which match your point though; I have also previously put forward to her that she, deep down, is attracted to me. And again, her response was that she just didn't see the importance of physical affection. I have kept it up a bit though; like holding her shoulders at times, contact during conversations and so on.

but when walking along the street you see girls/wives happily take their partners hand/arm, I do get a bit cynical.

 

When I'm really doubting this "relationship", it still does fit the analogy of a sexless marriage.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Perhaps a mini-update is due for those who may be following (on that note good luck to those I keep an eye and hope for others here ).

 

She seems to be warming up with the affection part though take this with a grain of salt because still yet to be a kiss. As usual I am aware of the duration of things so I won't wait forever. I guess my point here is I've still yet to see how much affection she is willing to give fully, to distinguish between holding back vs. just not being an affectionate person.

 

One lingering concern though is the shallow point of her feminism looks wise. "There's always someone better than you" (well, your girlfriend) may be true, but the occurrence this is being true is way too much. OK put bluntly, far to often I see a girl and just think she is much more attractive, not that I'm out flirt or anything given my attraction to women overall is still largely 0. Maybe if she was thinner ...

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If, after all this time, you don't like her looks, her weight, or are questioning her attractiveness, then you should let her go so she can find someone who does value her. This mentality you are taking of "beggars can't be choosers" and settling with someone that, deep in your heart you're not satisfied with, is wrong and not fair to her. You have every right to not find her attractive and want someone else, but at least let this girl go. Also, the pendulum swings both ways. How do you know she is not holding off affection because she's not sure of YOUR attractiveness to her? Maybe she thinks you're too "fat" or "thin". Or maybe she feels you're not "handsome" or "tan" enough? How do you know? If you are not attracted, then go for someone else pal.

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hey then she's guilty of the same thing lol. ok serious again. One strange thing is she knows I like prettier girls (thinner, dressier), and seems to be a staunch "take me as I am" person, yet in previous times looks completely sad and shocked when there's something I apparently do not like about her, even little things.

 

Back just to me, she's not ugly or anything just not sexually attractive (and she seems a very non-sexual person too). It feels pretty bad to find all these other more attractive girls around me all the time, not that I have a chance with any.

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Back just to me, she's not ugly or anything just not sexually attractive (and she seems a very non-sexual person too). It feels pretty bad to find all these other more attractive girls around me all the time, not that I have a chance with any.

 

Then I would say let her go and find someone that you find sexually attractive. You have every right to find someone you'd actually want to get in bed with. But not at the expense of leading her on. There's plenty of sexy girls out there, I don't understand what's preventing you from doing so. I don't get why you are with someone you don't find attractive, that's a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Sexual compatibility is huge. Especially if you're thinking long-term relationship or marriage in the future. I assume you guys have not had sex yet?

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No sex and never can (religious so that's no good. Haven't even kissed yet - wow I can almost hear the shock reaction now!

 

She almost seems too innocent/nice/religious to even flirt with but that's my fault. But it is at a duration where if it was to end I would lay everything out. The previous time when I brought it up I will admit mincing my words a bit to not sound completely shallow. It may not be when I say it here but imagine being on the receiving end in 1-to-1 convo, that is what you will believe.

 

Now as for the whole why not, it's because I haven't really "lost" anything either. Me acting exclusive has not cost me any new dates; granted being a guy that's to be expected when I stop actively looking (like OLD for instance) but, as is my life, I'm not exactly getting much look ins anyway. She's not as Plan-B-ish as this paragraph might sound though. Just saying why I haven't really been pressured as much into making a decision.

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she...seems to be a staunch "take me as I am" person, yet in previous times looks completely sad and shocked when there's something I apparently do not like about her, even little things.

 

I think the "take me as I am" statement says it all. She can't really change how she is lookswise, sizewise etc (or can't change immediately), and nor can she change much in terms of how physically affectionate she is. She can pretend but if her heart's not in it, it will feel fake.

 

Also, an important part of dating someone is that we feel sexually attracted to them, if you don't feel something, it's not fair to string the other person along, and it's unlikely to work out long term.

 

I had little experience dating and didn't start dating my first proper (and he still is) boyfriend til my early 30s, we took things slowly with regards to holding hands and kissing. But I knew I liked him and fancied him. It was fantastic when we first decided to hold hands (we discussed doing so beforehand) and we do so all the time now. So I understand that you want to be part of those couples who you see walking down the street holding hands or being affectionate. It's a great feeling.

 

It sounds like you're just not compatible.

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Well from my increased posting here I'm obviously reaching that threshold point now where something is going to happen soon ...

 

I have to say the religious part is also seemingly playing a big part in this; she's clearly a pretty religious person (way more than just Sunday church) and is using a belief that everything will somehow magically be OK without her doing anything - could probably quote a few of those cliches about now. She pretty much doesn't/didn't know anything dating: like how to dress for a date or attract a date, talking to guys, she didn't even know the meaning of a guy asking a girl for her number! ... and has never bothered learning it because "hey, it will work out if I stay myself"

 

I'd like to think I'm not stringing her along too much because I've mentioned a couple times how I believe we aren't compatible because of how she's projecting herself. Well known or not, I suppose another crossroads moment is coming.

 

On the physical side of things like I said she's not as thin as I'd like but what would "be enough" is a desire to be thinner (which is already there in most girls even if they do nothing about it), and the big one, just seemingly more physical/sexual. I asked myself what would I do with a really thin pretty girl but still came off as very asexual, and the outcome would probably be similar as to now.

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