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Read her my journal entry & it pushed her away..


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Let me start off by saying, I only met this girl three weeks ago. It has been a fast paced, yet slow, whirlwind of a romance between us. It has been terrifying, because for the first time in my life I was enjoying being single and got used to the prospect of it, especially because I know that I am damaged goods. As much as I realized that I wanted so much to meet a wonderful person, I was afraid that I would not recognize sunshine, but when I met her I thought I did and I was doing my best not to damage this, but inevitably I did.

 

From the beginning (3 weeks ago), we have been honest and forthright with each other. We both weren't looking for a relationship. We were actually still taking it slow and even though we are in love with each other, we haven't titled it "a relationship" yet, because we are in two different States. She came to visit me a week ago and I was planning to visit her next week. This should be / is a very healthy situation so far.

 

The problem is, this romance came at bad timing because just a few weeks before I met her, I started falling into a depression, then the week that I met her, I found out my cousin had a heart attack and a few days later she passed away. This was harder on me than I could imagine and this sweet woman was there for me, making sure I smiled, making sure I cried, and even her family got into it by all performing a funny song/dance through skype. This woman is more wonderful than I can explain.

 

But since I've met her, my depression has only gotten worse. I don't blame her for it, because essentially this has nothing to do with her. I am going through mood swings, anxiety/fear, apprehensions, and I feared that it was going to affect our romance which I value a lot. I mean, I really saw (even through the clouds) that she is a ray of sunshine and someone I could have a future with.

 

But yesterday was a hard day.. I realized that I loved her so much.. it scared me and it showed. I became the person I was afraid to become.. the old me. I became possessive, insecure, desperate, overwhelming, compulsive, etc. I was afraid that if I let my heart show too much that this part of me would surface and it did. I was super excited about us early in the day, then in the evening I crashed and burned. I came home and wrote in my journal, then I got online and she was in such a great mood that I was afraid my mood would * * * * it up, but I wanted to see her, chat with her on skype, get some of her energy as a pick me up.

 

However, she saw me depressed and she asked me a question, "do you need to be single?" So I told her I don't know and I don't want to lose her because I love her and love where this is going, but I also have soo much going on in my mind that I am petrified. So I read her my journal, which wasn't a bad thing, but there was some stuff in there about whether or not I should be single and have this successful life that I am in now, or settle down for true love and have a family-- as if I can't have both success and happiness.

 

She politely and compassionately told me that she is going to back away from this because she doesn't want to get hurt in the long run and she sees that this is where it is going. She said she loves me and cares about me a lot and realizes I need a friend more than a lover/partner at this time. She said in two weeks she'd be back and she'd be okay and we will be friends forever because if nothing else, she is a damn good friend.

 

](*,)

 

I didn't want this to happen. I knew my depression stuff was gonna push her away. It was my fear and it came true and I honestly wanted her to stay in my life. I tried my best to keep things slow and healthy on my end, even to the point where I realized I need help, so I was about to start celexa, a depression medication. She is the best! I fought for her. She wouldn't sign out even though she kept saying she would and I kept trying to explain, even though really there was nothing much I could explain, other than being desperate.

 

After going back and forth for an hour (which everything she was saying to me was true and she is a very bright woman who I don't blame for wanting to protect herself, especially since she has a son who is at an impressionable age), I finally couldn't take it anymore and I told her I had to go to sleep because I was crying and shaking (which was true). She told me she talks a good talk, but she doesn't think she can walk away either. But she said it hurts to be told in the morning that I'm in love with her and then in the evening that she's a burden.

 

But the truth is, she is not a burden. She is a wonderful, amazing, loving, spectactular person. I have even been keeping a journal about our ongoing process because she inspires me and shows me more love than anyone else has ever. I have an ongoing list of everything I love about her. I cry because I think I found a true love and I am scared because I don't want to hurt, lose, or damage this beautiful chemistry. I want to be able to have an autonomous love.. to mix the old naive yet faithful/hopeful me, with the new logical/mature/independent me and have something real.. for once.

 

It's not often that we are presented with a chance at true love with someone who we have amazing chemistry with and things just flow, easy, effortlessly. I want to hold onto this. I woke up this morning looking for her. Hoping to see her. I don't. I know I have to slow down a bit and let things just flow and really work on me, but still maintain my love for her, just slower. I hope that this can work out between us. What do you think?

 

P.s. thank you for reading.. I know this is long, but I hope you will find it interesting, as I do and I am truly grateful to have this forum to vent and hear other people's viewpoints.

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I only met this girl three weeks ago

 

This is the part that really struck me. In just three weeks of knowing this person you are imagining the sun rises and sets on her and you are so in love with her. How much of that is really love (you have only known her 3 weeks so you don't really know enough about her to really know if it is a deep love or just infatuation) and how much is a sense of relief of finding someone to save you from yourself, from your issues and depression?

 

You say you are damaged goods...what do you mean by that? It is not the illness and death of your cousin which has caused you to be clingy and needy and all over the map. These were issues you probably had before and never addressed and sorted out properly so they just got brought into this dating relationship.

 

I think she was wise to back away because you need time to address some of the issues which are now playing out in this relationship.

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It's possible that GF fears being positioned as your therapist and lifeline instead of a lover. This could be a matter of bad timing, since you're not in a place in your life where you feel comfortable allowing yourself to relax and enjoy another without fear of taking down your mask. GF likely understands this and is willing to back off to give you time and space to work on your own healing. Two weeks may not be enough time, especially if you're too distracted by making her your whole world.

 

You might consider as a number one goal to stop viewing yourself as damaged goods. We ALL suffer, and we all choose various ways of working through it. Have you considered working with a therapist? It can be helpful to have someone who trained to offer you new coping skills to try out. This would allow you to let a lover be a lover, and a therapist to operate as your therapist. It might take some pressure off of GF and allow her to feel better about resuming a relationship with you.

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Are you seeing a counselor for your depression/anxiety? Your moods are swinging all over the place- up and down several times a day! I suggest talk therapy to go along with your meds, and perhaps some balancing or changing of the meds to handle the moods swings. If you don't address these issues, you'll be sabotaging your relationships forever.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went to visit her in her city and this week she came back to visit me. I got really overwhelmed and I just told her and basically let it all out. She is so upset.. she said she doesn't have respect for anymore. She doesn't understand why I came to visit her and brought her out here to visit me after all this and knowing this is what I was going to do to her. She isn't supposed to leave until Sat, but I told her tonight b/c I wanted to talk to her heart to heart.. I feel that if I would have waited to tell her, it would have been worse.

 

I've never broken up with someone before. I mean well.. I really do, but my fear & apprehension lets me know that I am not ready and it could only hurt worse later. I'm in such pain right now.. I don't even know what to do or how to feel.. I don't want her to leave.. I want her to stay, as my friend. I know she is hurting though, and I have to let her go.

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