I'm free at last!!

[TN-Walker]

I don't know if any of you remember me or what I was going through. It's been about seven months since I posted here about my controlling, emotionally and physically abusive husband. (Click on my profile and find my original posts or do a search for them if you want the whole story.)

 

I just wanted to share with you that I am finally free. I moved into my own beautiful apartment last week. I'm no longer a prisoner in my own home, and I'm never going back!

 

The relief at being away from him is almost overwhelming. My first day here in my apartment, I stood in the kitchen and cried, not because I was sad, but because I'm free. I don't have to deal with having him constantly monitoring where I am and what I'm doing. I don't have to deal with the crazy mind games he would play by taking something I innocently said and twisting it to make me confused and upset. I don't have to deal with being criticized for everything I do, or being told my feet or my hair are ugly or that my own kids don't love me and that I should be thankful that he loves me because no one else ever could. I don't have to deal with him calling me clumsy or dummy when I drop things or run into things or almost fall (I have MS.) I don't have to deal with him going to my doctor with me and then sitting there during MY appointment talking to the doctor about his physical problems and totally ignoring mine. And I don't have to deal with being shoved and slapped and punched anymore.

 

At the time I posted back in June, I was unsure if the physical altercations that had occurred between us were abuse or not. At that time, he would walk up to me and shove me out of the way when I was in the kitchen. He also elbowed me in the back, and once had slapped me on the arm when he was frustrated. And one afternoon, he shoved his fist against my face while he was lecturing me because I bought something that wasn't on the grocery list he had told me to follow.

 

After I posted (and was wisely advised to leave, though I couldn't at that time because I wasn't working), the physical abuse escalated. He started suddenly grabbing me and "groping" me (his term) by squeezing and twisting my breasts very hard, which really hurt. I'd beg him to stop, but he wouldn't. During one of these times, he was kind of shoving me around while he grabbed me, and he slapped my face. On another occasion, while he was holding on to me and groping me, he started hitting me on the hip with his fist, which was very painful. Again, I was begging him to stop, but he wouldn't. I finally was able to get away from him. At other times, he would suddenly just punch me hard on the arm or the shoulder. He was never angry during these times. According to him, he was "just playing around" and I was too sensitive because I got upset when he wouldn't stop or let me go.

 

There was one time though when he did get physical while angry. We had gone to Dollywood for the weekend and were staying in a motel. One night I was sitting on the bed and he was on the sofa when we got into an argument over something (I can't remember what.) I told him to just leave me alone. That made him angry and he got up and come over to where I was on the bed and started poking me with his fingers all over my body and pinching me hard. I was asking him to stop and trying to push him away. I finally managed to roll off the bed and ran into the bathroom (he didn't follow me). A few minutes later, he asked me if I was okay. I said yes, and he apologized. I just mumbled something to appease him, but the incident finally showed me that if I stayed, things were only going to get worse, and I could end up getting hurt. (He's 6' 4" and weighs almost 400 lbs. I'm only 5' 3" and weigh about half of what he does.)

 

I want to tell those of you who are married, engaged, or dating someone who tries to control you, or emotionally abuses you, or who pushes you around or hits you to get out while you can. They will NOT change. They are only telling you what you want to hear so you'll stay. Someone who is abusive will tell you exactly what you want to hear. They may even go to counseling with you, but they're only doing it so that they can keep you under their control. Don't be fooled by them. They can't and won't change (most of the time.) Leave as soon as you can.

 

I left my husband three times. The first two times, he told me he would change, which he did for a few months, but he always went back to being who he was. I'm not going back ever again because I know now that he can't change. I know that if I go back this time, things will only get worse, I'll be a prisoner in my own home once again, and he'll "punish" me for leaving even worse than he did before. I deserve better than to live like that, and so do you!

 

Hugs to all,

 

Lisa

[Capricorn3]

OMG, your story is shocking to read. I can only say you did the right thing and I am soooooo happy for you that you have a place of your own now!! I hope and pray that every day gets better for you and that you find the strength to stay strong and never ever go back to him. I can't even begin to imagine how shocking this must have been for you all these years.

 

I wish you all the very very best!! ~Hugs~

 

P.S. Have you ever had any counselling for all the abuse you went through?

[metrogirl]

Very glad to hear that you found the strength and courage to leave. Sadly some women can't/don't and end up paying a bigger price.

 

I wish you luck and happiness in your new found freedom.

[TN-Walker]

 

P.S. Have you ever had any counselling for all the abuse you went through?

 

No, I haven't had counseling, though I do think I need it. I know that what I went through was very traumatic and has left an impact on who I am. I used to laugh a lot and had a wacky sense of humor, but I seem to have lost that, along with other things that made me who I was. (He didn't appreciate my sense of humor and would put me down for it.) I don't know if it will ever come back. I am also very afraid of ever having another relationship because I am terrified that this will happen again. And I'm also dealing with a lot of guilt over causing his family, especially his 73-year-old mother (who lives in our home) to have to move (my husband can't afford to live in the house and is having to sell it). And I feel horrible about hurting my husband by leaving him, even though he made my life miserable.

 

One of my students (I teach college classes) who is also going through a divorce gave me the phone number of her therapist. I think maybe I should give it a try.

[Capricorn3]

No, I haven't had counseling, though I do think I need it. I know that what I went through was very traumatic and has left an impact on who I am. miserable.

 

One of my students (I teach college classes) who is also going through a divorce gave me the phone number of her therapist. I think maybe I should give it a try.

I have no doubt at all that the abuse you went through would leave an impact and that's whay I asked if you had sought any counselling as I don't think you can deal with this all on your own. Good to hear you have been given a number and I hope you can get an appointment.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty about any of this. You have to take care of yourself and you didn't do anything wrong (imo). YOU were the victim here. Time to look after yourself now.

 

All the best.

[avman]

I'm really glad you got out of there and are safe. I do indeed remember you when you first posted and I was really concerned for your safety.

 

I second the counseling recommendation. You've got a lot to sort through and come to grips with. The trauma from all that is something I can only imagine.

 

Take your time and let the healing happen. It's good to see you back and in a much better place now.