Girlfriend went out to the bar last night...

[smiles21]

GF is 22, I'm 26. (Dating almost 3 years)

 

One of her friends (Who cant keep a boyfriend and is sketchy to begin with) that she used to be very close with asked her to go to a local college bar last night with some of her girlfriends. GF asked If I cared, I said no and she ended up going out around 11:00pm. I told her I didn't want her getting hammered because I couldn't pick her up as I have to work at 6:30am, she is in college and works at night. And that she be home at a decent hour so it wouldn't wake me. So I get a call from her friend at 2:30am that says she is drunk because her friend bought her a ton of shots. Great. She wants to know If I mind if she brings her back to her house as she is semi-sober. I said fine, (I was kind of aggitated by this as is... my GF never doesn't sleep home). GF comes rolling in the house at 4am clearly tipsy. She drove home like a moron because the friend said "I sounded mad on the phone". I was aggitated it was 3am and you were calling me with this.

 

Now I know this is what girls do, and she didn't have to get up till 11am or so. She doesn't go out often without me so I cant get mad about that. (Few times a year) I'm just really pissed off this morning because she did all the things I asked her not to. Also if this becomes a constant thing with her friend I cant see the relationship lasting because I wont deal with it. Do I have a right to be mad about this? Maybe I'm just cranky that I got 3 hours of sleep and now have to work all day.

[hockeyboy]

I wouldn't really mind her going out with her friends and having a good time.

 

What I would be angry about is her calling you at those hours and driving home drunk. She should have stayed at her friends house.

[hexaemeron]

While I can understand where you're coming from, I think you're overreacting just a touch. You said yourself she only goes out without you a few times a year, and giving her a laundry list of what to do and not to do when going out seems a bit... well, controlling, imho.

 

No one likes to lose sleep, and yeah, it's frustrating. If anything, I'd be mad at your cracker girlfriend from driving home drunk. That would be the thing that really bothered/angered me.

[HouseKitten]

Sounds like it was her friend that called you? Perhaps she did so without your girlfriend's consent, and then when your girlfriend heard that you had 'sounded mad' she decided it would be better to go home and see you.

 

Maybe if you have to be up early, a better compromise if she wants to go out would be for her to stay with her friend. I mean, if she went out at 11pm, what are the chances she's going to be back at a reasonable hour when you have to be up at 6:30am? She'd only get maybe an hour and a half out of the night then, which hardly seems worth going out for.

 

It sounds like this was a one time thing, and you're probably more worked up about it than normal because you had to be up for work. It seems a bit of an overreaction to consider ending the entire relationship just because she got a bit drunk one night and didn't use all her common sense. Just work out a compromise for the future and let it go.

[smiles21]

Thanks for the insight ladies and gent's.

 

Yes it was her friend who called, I know a portion of it is my frustrations and high stress at work lately. We are clearly in two different places professionaly. I dont want to act like her parents, but I was really aggitated by this. And I trust her. It's not about that. Her friend is a bit sketchy but I would hope she wouldn't be that way.

 

She should of just stayed with her friend, but when she said she would be home at 2am, and not hammered I was angry. Not to mention it's hard for me to sleep when she's not there. I worry.

[HouseKitten]

Not to mention it's hard for me to sleep when she's not there. I worry.

 

I think you'll need to work on this, because she will probably want to go out with her friends without you again at some point in the future, and if you keep giving her grief about when she has to be home and where she should sleep, it might backfire and lead to her rebelling against you.

 

I understand you like to have her there but perhaps she could just send you a text to let you know she's safe at her friends house or something. Then it might not even wake you, but if you do wake up you've got confirmation she's okay.

[smiles21]

I think you'll need to work on this, because she will probably want to go out with her friends without you again at some point in the future, and if you keep giving her grief about when she has to be home and where she should sleep, it might backfire and lead to her rebelling against you.

 

I understand you like to have her there but perhaps she could just send you a text to let you know she's safe at her friends house or something. Then it might not even wake you, but if you do wake up you've got confirmation she's okay.

 

 

I know I need to work on this. It's just some odd instinct. I dont want to sound like a pest. How much is acceptable going to the bars with your friends without your BF/GF or spouse? I dont go to the bars with my friends alone typically either. Thanks HK.

[HouseKitten]

How much is acceptable going to the bars with your friends without your BF/GF or spouse? I dont go to the bars with my friends alone typically either.

 

Depends on the relationship and the friends.

 

If you have several different friends rather than one big group of mutual friends then it's more likely that every now and then, she is going to want to go out with a girl friend who you either don't like or just don't know. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

If this were happening all the time I'd be worried but you say yourself she only goes out without you a couple of times a year.

[smiles21]

Depends on the relationship and the friends.

 

If you have several different friends rather than one big group of mutual friends then it's more likely that every now and then, she is going to want to go out with a girl friend who you either don't like or just don't know. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

If this were happening all the time I'd be worried but you say yourself she only goes out without you a couple of times a year.

 

 

Yea, she went out for her work party on a sunday night in December. I want her to have a more diverse group of friends as we have mutual friends. It was nice of her friend to call me last night, but damn it was late. My body cant take the wednesday night partying anymore.

 

 

If the frequency of this were to go up I dont think I could take it.

[DaVinci]

The only thing what isn't right in this story is the drinking & driving ... for the rest she behaves like a normal 22 year old! Probably it's better that she spend the night somewhere else if you have difficulty getting sleep.

[HouseKitten]

If the frequency of this were to go up I dont think I could take it.

 

You say that but again, this doesn't sound like regular behaviour from her, and if you have a conversation with her about how you can both compromise in the future then it needn't be an issue.

 

If the main problem is that her staying out disrupts you then you just need to agree on when it is okay for her to come home and at what time it would be better for her to stay with a friend. If it makes you nervous, then like I said before maybe she can agree to sending you a quick text just to let you know she is safe.

 

This doesn't need to be an issue, you just have to talk to each other about it.

[hexaemeron]

Dude, no offense, but you sound insecure and needy/controlling. You should work on that.

[smiles21]

Thanks for the reality check. If it's me, then it's me. I dont care that she goes out with her friends. I will talk with her this morning I'm sure.

[hexaemeron]

Thanks for the reality check. If it's me, then it's me. I dont care that she goes out with her friends. I will talk with her this morning I'm sure.

 

Hey man, there's nothing wrong with loving someone, wanting them around and be concerned for them. Nothing at all. But you also have to let them breathe a bit too. Your gf knowing you trust her and want her to have a good time will honestly inspire her to respect your wishes even more, rather than being told this and that, coming accross like a parent.

 

Your heart's in the right place. You just need to work on the delivery, that's all.

[smiles21]

Hey man, there's nothing wrong with loving someone, wanting them around and be concerned for them. Nothing at all. But you also have to let them breathe a bit too. Your gf knowing you trust her and want her to have a good time will honestly inspire her to respect your wishes even more, rather than being told this and that, coming accross like a parent.

 

Your heart's in the right place. You just need to work on the delivery, that's all.

 

I know. She breathes quite a bit. I dont want it to sound like all we do is hang out with eachother. We basically have opposite schedules and I see her late at night or weekend mornings. The last thing I want to do is come accross as a parent.

[Tanzi]

It never works to put conditions on a partner's night out. It didn't work for you because you were mad at her for not doing as you requested and it certainly didn't work for her because she ended up driving home after having a "ton of shots". And to be honest, it just isn't fair or necessary if she only goes out a few times a year.

 

I agree with HouseKitten, if you are worried about being woken up then it is probably best she stays at her friends in future. Better to be safe than sorry.

[drewciouS281]

i am going throught he exact same thing smiles21. My girl too has a best friend that is a horrible influence over her and manipulates the hell out of my girl. My girl also lives with me and rarely goes out without me but it seems when she does, she takes it to the next level. I can see your frustration but at the same time we need to look at it that sometimes they need a release since they are with us all the time. Only difference is that my girl has made more than afew bad decisions while out with this friend so thats what makes me a bit more sketch but i see where you comin from. My girl did this the other night but she came home at a decent hour. i was mad at first but after a while i realised that she needs her girl time too. just be cool with her and tell her how you feel but at the same time you want her to have fun. just to pace it and come home when she says she is. thats what i tell my girl.

[george237]

Wow I am the complete opposite. If the person I am dating doesn't go out and do her own thing I start to get worried. Let her go and make her own decisions.

[drewciouS281]

Wow I am the complete opposite. If the person I am dating doesn't go out and do her own thing I start to get worried. Let her go and make her own decisions.

 

george, im all for my girl going out and having her girl time but it changes when they have lied or decieved you afew times in the relationship. yes it was last year but some of it still does damage. Before, i was all for her going out and doing her own thing as i enjoy to do mine here and there. It really just depends on the situation. The thing that blows is that when she goes out or is doing something, sometimes im just sittin at home with a thumb up my butt waitin on her but when i decide to do my own thing, she wont sit at home waitin for me. Its like if im not at home, she wont be at home. I think its immature and BS.

[george237]

george, im all for my girl going out and having her girl time but it changes when they have lied or decieved you afew times in the relationship. yes it was last year but some of it still does damage. Before, i was all for her going out and doing her own thing as i enjoy to do mine here and there.

 

I agree with you that lies make it difficult to trust in the future but don't you think you should figure out a way to get over it or just end it? For me trust is everything. I have a lot better things to worry about then what a gf is doing at a club.

 

But then again I don't know what your situation is or what this guys is.

[regular joe]

I was in this situation with my now ex, I know this is going to be a kind of worst case situation. Her so called friend at the time has left more destruction in her path than a tornado in a trailer park. There has to be trust, but at the same time there has to be respect in any relationship. I love it when there is an issue about some body's concern about their SO that they are trying to controlling. I never cared about my ex going out with her friends except this one. The girl had a bad habit of putting herself in real bad situations. Even though I trusted my ex and her judgement, it just why put yourself in that situation. It would be like getting a ride from a friend and they ask if you mind if they stop on the way to rob a bank, do you sit in the car and wait for them? I mean your just getting a ride so your not doing anything wrong? I saw what this girl was doing, she was married to and destroying my now ex friends life, so I asked my ex to limit this girl in our lives. Unfortunately, it wasn't until the so called friend damaged our lives so badly that she finally was able to understand what I was talking about. By that time the damage was done and so far I have been unable to undo it. It is the reason we are not together anymore. I have a friend that's a lot of fun when he is sober. You go out with him drinking, proceed at your own risk, as anything may happen. You will end up banned from bars like he is and that's a good night, on up to a possible night in jail or anywhere in between. If my SO expressed concerns about me going out with him would that be controlling or caring?

[drewciouS281]

dude what you typed especially in bold is exactly the same situation as me. My girl has limited her contact big time but the damage is still there. time to time when i have flash backs of things she done (she didnt cheat or anything, just lies and bad decisions) she tells me its the past and to let it go. i told her sometimes the past leaves that big of a scar it takes more time than you think. i have to remind her that she is the one that caused this. Her friend is a pro at manipulation and in the beginning put my girl in so many bad situations. I used to blame the friend 100% but i realized that its actually my girl the one that makes the final decision to partake in these events. On and off the past 6 months she has been a sweet heart and trying to salvage what she has done but more and more lately im starting to get numb and just not feel anything anymore. I love her to death and want her to keep trying but at the same time, i dont know what im feeling as much anymore.

 

and for the last part in bold. if my girl voiced her concern over a friend of mine like that in a calm nice way, i would totally be respectful and compromise. Last night we got into a bit of a fight cause the past few days she has been so stressed about certain things and she has taken them out on me. My aproach to these things are to to tell her to relax and enjoy things cause lately she has been too up tight and forgeting why we fell in love in the first place. she takes things too seriously. not to mention she hung with that friend the other night which didnt bother me but the part that bothered me was she said she would be home at 8pm. she called me at 9 saying she was leaving. no biggie. than 20 mins texts me saying she is going to stay a bit longer. Now to me, when you tell me your coming at a certain time, you come at that time. I always stick to what i say. She told me last night that sometimes plans or things change and i told her if thats what i have to deal with, than ill pass. Its about respect and holding to what you say. Not changing things up and disrespecting your partner to fulfill your own needs. BS!!!!!

[fishburn7]

I agree with the whole being worried if my girl is hanging out with a manipulative person. My girlfriend used to be best friends with this girl who was just simply a bad person, there wasn't anything good about her. but somehow I eased her most of the way out of that relationship with said friend.

 

now about the getting home a little late thing i don't really care. I mean the difference between 8 and 10 is just a little bit of worrying for me. I worry that she's ok basically. but if she was to come home at 4 and wake me up i'd be furious. Also i'm ok with my girl going out with friends sometimes. I draw the line when she's drinking on weekdays. that makes me angry. granted we don't live together but I still get very angry if she gives up time she throws all responsibilities away to go out.

[monkeygirl12]

she said she would be home at 8pm. she called me at 9 saying she was leaving. no biggie. than 20 mins texts me saying she is going to stay a bit longer. Now to me, when you tell me your coming at a certain time, you come at that time.

 

WOW!! is this your child or your girlfriend? Ridiculous!! I personally wouldn't date anyone who tries to control what time I come home NOR who I am with, wether the friend is toxic or not because I'm sure I can make MY OWN decisions... One thing is letting you know where he/she is at, or telling you not to wait up for them.. But GROWN ADULTS, should make their ADULT decisions without worrying if their bf/gf (not yet husband/wife) is going to approve or not & even when people are married they have their liberty as a human to make decisions they want like coming home when they want and being friends with whom they want!!.. trying to keep tabs and control your partner may seem ok now, but OH BOY! wait til that partner of yours gets fed up.. he/she will drop you like lightnin'....(speaking from experience)

 

 

 

 

I agree with the whole being worried if my girl is hanging out with a manipulative person. My girlfriend used to be best friends with this girl who was just simply a bad person, there wasn't anything good about her. but somehow I eased her most of the way out of that relationship with said friend.

 

Who are you to be the judge of your partners friend? unless that friend is robbing banks or killin people it shouldnt be up to you, to "SWAY YOUR GIRL AWAY FROM THIS FRIEND" GEEZ!!!! I find that if this FRIEND is SOOO HORRIBLE and BAD, why would your girl be her friend?? BECAUSE SHE DOESNT FIND HER SO BAD AND SHE WANTS TO... Cant she make decisions on her own???? If the friend is trully bad your girl will find out on her own and will make the decision thats best for her.

 

 

 

thank goodness my bf doesnt intervene with issues relating my friends!!! I can vent to him about it, and the guy doesnt even give his opinion because he knows its my friendship my situation he would only put his two cents if it involved him somehow....

[annie24]

While I can understand where you're coming from, I think you're overreacting just a touch. You said yourself she only goes out without you a few times a year, and giving her a laundry list of what to do and not to do when going out seems a bit... well, controlling, imho.

 

No one likes to lose sleep, and yeah, it's frustrating. If anything, I'd be mad at your cracker girlfriend from driving home drunk. That would be the thing that really bothered/angered me.

 

yes, i totally agree.